Tag Archives: monsters

The Bookshelf Battle Rap was Snubbed by the Grammys

Hey 3.5 music fans.

BQB here.

I’ve been carrying some disappointment for a week or so now but have been waiting to comment until I process my emotions.

Now that I’ve had time to calm down, I must say the Grammys were quite remiss in not offering a nomination to the Bookshelf Battle Rap.

Honestly, if there was a better rap song about a fat ass yeti getting roundhouse kicked in the face by a magic bookshelf caretaker offered up in 2017, I did not hear it.  Did you?

Now that I’ve had some time to process my disappointment, I must say the #GRAMMYs were remiss in not offering a nomination to the Bookshelf Battle Rap.

#rap #rappers #music #youtube

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Bookshelf Battle Log #5 – Searching for the Loch Ness Monster


Hey 3.5 readers.

The job of a professional badass is never done and today I’m in Scotland, investigating rumors that the Loch Ness monster was not only seen, but she was seen using a hula hoop, playing a saxophone and ingesting large amounts of a white, powdery substance.  I’m going to assume it as pixy stix dust and not, well, you know, cocaine.  It’s been my experience that monsters really love cocaine though so you never know.

I don’t recommend taking cocaine, 3.5 readers and I also don’t recommend taking Bookshelfitol, but you should still read the commercial for it by clicking here.

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Bookshelf Battle Log #4 – Masterbating Goblins Are the Worst


3.5 readers, I have to let you in on a piece of information that’s well known to the monster fighting community but is a virtual secret to the general public.

Goblins are chronic masterbaters.  Seriously, they are never NOT tossing the monkey, slapping the salami, bopping the baloney or what have you.

You know what’s worse?  They have these bright yellow, beady little eyes and while you’re trying to sleep, they just stare at you and fap, fap, fap away, tugging at their tiny, syphillis ridden goblin dongers.  Their faces are usually like, one to two inches away from yours.

You ask them to move, they just sort of go, “Ungh” and then fap faster.  And there’s never a release.  Like, what’s the point?

I know.  Disgusting.  I’m telling you this because I’m currently babysitting and/or protecting one such masterbating goblin.  Why would I want to do that?  I really don’t want to, but he’s a witness in a case being brought in an underground world.  He saw one masterbating goblin murder another masterbating goblin.  The masterbating goblin mafia was involved.

You know what?  I’ve said too much.  Long story short, the Council of Masterbating Goblin Justice asked me to protect the little guy until he can give his testimony…while masterbating.

Oddly enough, I’m honored to have been asked…though I really wish the little guy would stop masterbating…and also to stop staring at me with his face an inch away from mine.

Did I mention that if you do eventually succumb to exhaustion and fall asleep, the little asshole will start licking your toes?  Last night I feel asleep and when I woke up, my toes were like prunes…covered in spit.

God, I hope that was only spit.  I might have to double check and make sure they don’t release.  Stupid masterbating goblins.

Hey reader, this is the worst segway ever, but while I’m busy keeping an eye on this masterbating goblin, keep yourself entertained by checking out my movie reviews.  I watch more movies than I read books.  Ironically, I should have named myself “Moviescreen Q. Watcher” but I don’t have the energy to change my name now.

Down, masterbating goblin!  Down!  You’re bad masterbating goblin!  Bad, bad!

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Bookshelf Battlelog #3 – I Must Murder 1,000 Chupacabras

3.5 readers, it isn’t easy being BQB.  I have to murder vampires, zombies, werewolves, all of that.

But I must all destroy the lesser known freaks, like chupacabras.  Yes, chupacabras.  Have you heard of them?  Maybe yes, maybe no.

They aren’t as popular.  They literally suck the skin off goats, so you know, there’s not going to be a Twilight for chupacabras.  No one’s writing a chupacabra love story.  I mean, I could, because I’m that good a writer (and humble) but I’m busy.

Look, you don’t need the details.  Suffice to say, an evil warlock has threatened to magically turn the wife of every man in the greater Tri-state area into a clone of Sarah Jessica Parker.

Now, yeah, I’ll admit, for some dudes with hideous wives, that’ll be an improvement.  Plus, you might be like, “SJP is hot!” and like yeah, if you look at her from one angle, I’ll give you that, but then if you look at her from another angle, she’s got a horse face.  Like, she looks like a horse lady.  Like, I wouldn’t know whether to kiss or click my tongue three times and give her an apple and brush her coat.  It’s confusing.  Men don’t need that problem.

So, fear not.  I will murder 1,000 chupacabras and then the warlock will be on his way.

While you’re waiting for me to finish besting this goat suckers, why not read some of Search Engine Optimized Poet’s SEO Optimized Poetry?  Full of buzz words that are sure to rack up the clicks!


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Universal’s Dark Universe Series

Hey 3.5 readers.

Did you all hear about this?  I did not until I caught the Mummy today.  Check out my review if you haven’t already.

Apparently, Universal is trying to bring its treasure trove of monster flicks back into the modern age, kicking it off with “The Mummy” with Dracula, Frankenstein, Creature from the Black Lagoon, Bride of Frankenstein, Phantom of the Opera, the Wolfman and so on  to come later.

One can only assume they’re trying to compete with Disney’s Marvel universe and Warner Brothers attempt to recreate the Disney/Marvel success with their Justice League films.

Do you think “Dark Universe” will be a hit for Universal?  Will other studios try to cash in on the expanded universe phenomenon?

My one caveat might be that while Marvel and DC appeal to kids, i.e., the viewers that will most likely nag their parents into buying Marvel and DC merchandise, I’m not sure there’s a huge market for a Mummy lunch box.  Then again, maybe Universal can pave the way for cinematic universe films for a more sophisticated audience.  The Mummy was actually a good, solid first installment.  It didn’t knock my socks off but it didn’t disappoint me either.  It left me curious as to what Universal has in store for us next.

Discuss, 3.5 readers.

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BQB vs. Monsters – The Best Way to Start Your Day is to Punch a Shark in the Face


You see a shark.  I see a punchable face.

Hey 3.5 readers.

You all know that I’m a champion yeti fighter, but did you also know that I am an accomplished shark face puncher?

There’s nothing quite like it really.  Very exhilarating.

Every morning I wake up and before I shower or shave or even have a cup of coffee, I leave BQB HQ, swim out into the middle of East Random Lake (East Random Town’s largest body of water) and I punch anywhere between five and seven sharks right in the face.

I’d recommend it, but I can’t, because my attorney advises me not to, you know, because of the 101% virtual certainty that this activity will lead to you being eaten by a shark and being turned into shark poop.

So you know what?  Don’t punch a shark in the face.  Just live vicariously through me, knowing that I’m starting my days by punching many sharks in their respective faces.

Look, I’m putting myself at great personal risk by even telling you this.  Sharks have Internet.  You think they don’t because they’re underwater but they do.  They eat like a hundred people a day so if you do the math, that means they have thousands and thousands of cell phones.

And because the owners of those phones have been turned into shark poop, the sharks are able to use their phones and not pay any Wi-Fi bills until the owners’ plans run out.

I know I only get 3.5 readers but you never know, a shark could see that I am bragging about punching them in their stupid faces and they could get mad and have themselves shipped into big water tanks all the way to BQB HQ for the sole purpose of eating me and turning me into shark poop.

Do you know how hard it would be for me to blog as a BQB shaped piece of poop?

It would not be easy, let me tell you.

So anyway.  That’s how I start every day, 3.5 readers.

How do you start your days?  (Again, hopefully not by punching sharks.  Leave that to a professional, like yours truly.  This blog and its proprietor will not be held liable if you try to punch and/or do anything with or go anywhere near a damn shark).

But seriously, what normal, non-shark punching related things do you do to start your day?

Tell me all about it in the comments.

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I Have Fought Many Gremlins

You know, 3.5 readers.  I have fought many monsters in my day.  At some point, I shall have to delve deeper into this subject, for it isn’t often that a monster fighter of my expertise and acumen is willing to talk to the public, even if his public consists of a paltry sum of 3.5 readers.

At any rate, yes, I speak mostly about my archenemy, The Yeti, and also zombies as these foes have given me the most trouble as of late, but in truth, I have fought many gremlins.

Let me tell you.  These guys are total butt monkeys.  They’re much smaller than as portrayed in the infamous 1980s movie.  Also, they’re very profane.  They swear like sailors, consume copious amount of alcohol and I’m pretty sure I caught one of them snorting a line of coke once.

I’m not entirely sure but I stepped out of the bathroom one night to find this little schmuck on top of my coffee table, white powder all over the table, a rolled up dollar bill pointed between the substance and his nose.  The dollar bill was taller than he was.

They’re nasty little twerps, let me tell you.  They have sharp teeth so you don’t want to get your fingers anywhere near them.  The good news is that you can easily suck them up in your dust buster.  In fact, if you want to be humane and do a catch and release, you can suck them up in your dust buster, then drive to a wooded area and empty your dust buster’s dust bin.

Personally, I don’t have time for that shit so I just drop them in the toilet and flush.  Don’t worry.  They can breathe underwater…I think.  Actually, now that I think of it, I might have made that up.  Oh well.  The important part is that I am not inconvenienced.




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Droppin’ Monsters (A Bookshelf Q. Battle Rap)

Oh my God, 3.5 readers.  Oh my God.

Sit all 3.5 of your butts down for this.

So, as you know, back in the day I was one half of the rap duo known as The Funky Hunks.  My partner MC Plotz and I were a hit with the late 1990s/early 2000s soccer moms what with our squeaky clean lyrics.

Alas, time moved on and my rhyme spinning days are long behind me, but my lyric writing game is still pretty sweet, so I found a rapper on artist who goes by the handle I_Will_Rap.  He’s got mad crazy skills and he’ll rap whatever you want for a reasonable price.

Anyway.  Without further ado, I present to you the debut of the new hit single, sure to take the hip hop world by storm and it’s so good that it may even unite East and West Coast rappers together in a new era of peace, love and understanding: Droppin’ Monsters.

DROPPIN’ MONSTERS (A Bookshelf Q. Battle Rap)

Lyrics by: Bookshelf Q. Battler

Beats Dropped and Rhymes Rapped by I_Will_Rap

Yo. 2017. Time to make the green.
Bookshelf Q. Battler droppin monsters like a bad habit.
Let’s do this thing. Time to get paid, ya dig?

You roll up to your crib and there’s a vampire inside.
Call on BQB to do the wooden stake slide.
But oh my god a zombie wants my brains!
Better get BQB to make it rain the pain.
What’s that in my yard? A chupacabra goat sucker?
BQB grab your nine, pop a cap in that mother (bleep).

When it comes to fighting evil, BQB is the best.
Forces of darkness don’t even try it, this is a nerd you do not want to test.

East Randomtown is the dope ass hood where this bespectacled pimp resides.
He’s chillin in his headquarters, the fly ass hunnies won’t be denied.
BQB is a badass monster hunter, you know that is a fact.
So if you’re a demon straight outta hell, he’ll put you on your back.

One day while BQB was writing,
On his blog called bookshelfbattle.com
There was a sound that was oh so frightening
So he said, “what’s going on?”
He ran downstairs to his living room and what oh what did he see?
A fat ass yeti sitting on his couch, eating his food and watching TV.

“I live in your house forever now,” the Yeti said.
“I’m taking over this fabulous place.”
But that idea filled BQB with dread
So he round house kicked the Yeti right in the face.

Yeah, BQB is droppin monsters.
Ghosts and goblins and werewolves too.
That nerd is gonna do a drive by.
On anything that dares to shout, “boo!”

But when BQB’s not dropping a monstrous reprobate,
He’s writing a dope ass story.
He’s gonna save the world from the Mighty Potentate,
And get his ass some glory.

So don’t forget to check bookshelfbattle.com
For news of BQB’s daring do.
And if you are a monster,
BQB is coming for you.

Damn. That was some sweet ass shit.
3.5 readers my ass. Bookshelf Q. Battler should have all the (bleep) readers.

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Movie Review – Colossal (2017)

Hey 3.5 readers.

I caught a glimpse of this trailer today and it looks pretty cool.

Anne Hathaway is upset that a giant monster has started destroying the city.  After awhile, she realizes, for some bizarre, unexplained reason, that the monster mimics her movements and is essentially under her control.

What say you, 3.5?

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The Illiad Rebooted – Chapter 11


And so, Tyndareus sent his finest messengers to spread word all throughout Greece that his daughter, the voluptuous and vivacious Helen of Sparta, inspirer of boners the world over, was available for marriage and all interested suitors must make their way to the king’s palace in order to plead their case.

After a few weeks, the old king, his sons, and his smooth talking houseguest found themselves standing on the steps of the palace, looking out at a sea of eligible bachelors that stretched out for miles.

“Perhaps we should put a cap on this,” Castor said.

“Only the first one thousand suitors to get to through the door will be considered?” Pollux asked.

“Gods no,” Castor said. “That would turn into a bloodbath quick.”

“Great Zeus’s beard, Odysseus,” Tyndareus said. “I couldn’t possibly interview all of these perverts.”

Odysseus observed the crowd. Sure, there were plenty of kings, princes, warriors and other men of noble stock or great accomplishment, and of course, they’d all brought their own contingents of servants and underlings with them.

A man decked out in a velvety red robe shouted over everyone around him.

“Pick me, King Tyndareus, for I am Amphimachus, the greatest mac daddy in all of Greece!”

Amphimachus snapped his fingers and his servant held up an open chest filled with gold coins.

“I bring you riches to compliment your wisdom, good king, and there’s more where that came from!”

The Daddy of All Greek Macs was about to continue his plea when he was cut off by a man in a clean, white toga.

“Nay, my king! Select me, Polyxenus the Proud, and I shall deliver unto you a hundred fertile brood mares to supply the mighty Spartan army with as many horses as they need.”

“Shit,” Castor said. “Gold and horses.”

“We might get rich off this,” Pollux said.

Tyndareus grew tired of the spectacle and stared at Odysseus with exhausted eyes. “Do something.”

Odysseus nodded then raised his hands up in the air. “Hey!”

No one was paying attention. Everyone was too busy shouting their bribes offered in exchange for the right to acquire Helen’s splendiferous vag.

“A thousand goats!”

“Fuck those goats! I’ll give you all the sapphires you can carry!”

“Fuck those goats and those sapphires! I’ll give you your own island!”

Odysseus stuck his pointer into the right side of his mouth and his middle finger into the left. This allowed him to make an ear splitting whistle.

“Yo!” the adventurer said. “Shut your suck holes, ass bags! This is a classy affair!”

The sea of suitors calmed down and paid the speaker their full, rapt attention.

“That’s better,” Odysseus said. “Alright, check it. Thank you all for turning out to court Helen of Sparta, the most beautiful princess in all the world.”

And that ended the calm. Cat calls. Whistles. Hooting. Hollering.

“Shut it!” Odysseus barked.

The crowd was silent again.

“Now, we’ve got some rules here,” Odysseus said. “First of all, everyone needs to chill the fuck out and stop acting like a bunch of animals. You’re trying to impress the King of Sparta, idiots, so behave yourselves and stop tossing your bribes out willy nilly as if Tyndareus is some type of common reprobate.”

Tyndareus leaned over to whisper into Odysseus’s ear. “I mean, I’m not totally against it if they’re offering…”

Odysseus nodded. “Instead, be gentlemen about it and slip the king your bribes when no one is looking. Really, people, this is all common sense.”

The adventurer strutted about the steps as he selected his words. “On that note, if you are a broke ass loser, a pathetic weakling, or a man who has accomplished nothing of import in his life, begone!”

The rabble grew restless as angry words were thrown Odysseus’s way.

“Oh get off it,” Odysseus said. “I’m not saying that Helen is a gold digging freak, but she ain’t messin’ with no broke ass Greeks, ya feel me? If you can’t take care of yourself, then you surely cannot take care of the most beautiful woman in the world.”

An old man with three teeth in his mouth hobbled up on his cane. “I agree! Kick out all these peasants and pick me, Hercules!”

A look of befuddlement came over Odysseus’s face. He squinted at the old man. “You’re not Hercules!”

“Yes I am!” the old man said as he flexed his arm and made the teeniest, tiniest muscle.

“You’re Hercules?” Odysseus asked.

“I sure am,” the old man said.

“The legendary warrior favored by the gods?” Odysseus asked.

“You know it, bitch,” the old man answered.

“The strongest man in all of Greece?” Odysseus asked.

“Damn skippy, son,” the old man said. “Now make with the poon already.”

Castor looked at the old man. “Impostor! This is not Hercules!”

Pollux also looked at the old man. “This is Lycus the Lecher, the most delinquent louse in all of Sparta!”

“And a pauper,” Castor said.

“Bah!” the old man said. “Eat a dick, Dioscuri!”

“OK the jig’s up you old bastard,” Odysseus said. “Take a hike.”

“I’m going, I’m going,” the old man said as he hobbled away. “Shit. Old ass man tries to get himself some magic cooch and y’all gotta make a federal case about it, bunch of wack ass punk ass trick ass marks.”

“And that goes for the rest of you,” Odysseus said. “If you’ve got no dough, then it is time to go!”

The ranks thinned as the penniless departed. Still, it was not enough.

“Next,” Odysseus said. “If you are a damn cyclops, a minotaur, or a monster of any kind, get to steppin’ because Helen don’t do no beasts, ya’ dig?”

Lagos, King of the Cyclopses, happened to be in attendance with five hundred of his one-eyed warriors.

“Bullshit, Odysseus!” Lagos said. “The cyclopses were here long before humans and we will be here long after your bones turn to dust!”

“Oh spare me the drama, Lagos,” Odysseus said. “Time for you and your one-eye to go bye-bye.”

Lagos beat his chest with his fist. “This is an outrage! I dragged out my one-eyed warriors, polished their helmets, and even made them stand at attention!”

Castor, Pollux, and Odysseus turned red face as they stifled their laughter.

“I’m sorry,” Odysseus said. “What did you say?”

“I said that I dragged out my one-eyed warriors and polished their helmets and…what? Why are you laughing?!”

Odysseus was doubled over. “Your…your…one-eyed warriors…look very stiff…and rigid! Bah ha ha!”

“Oh, damn you humans!” Lagos said as he turned his back and marched away. “One-eyed warriors, retreat!”

A loud hissing sound reverberated through everyone’s ears. The crowd separated to allow a gigantic beast through. It was well over ten feet tall, had the body of a long, slimy, snake, but instead of one reptilian head, it had nine.

“Hisssss,” the first head said.

“Fuck you and your no beast proclamation,” the second head said.

“We will have Helen’s glorious snapper!” the third head declared.

“Oh shut all of your stupid mouths, Hydra!” Odysseus said.

“No!” the fourth head said. “YOU shut YOUR mouth, dick cheese!”

Odysseus thumped his chest. “Why don’t you make me?”

“Hisssss,” the fifth head said. “Don’t think that we won’t!”

“Honestly Hydra,” Odysseus said. “What is this? A mid-millennium crisis?”

“What are you talking about?” the sixth head asked.

“We are confident as ever!” the seventh head cried.

“Are you now?” Odysseus asked. “Because it seems to me if you guys could still get it up, you’d be back in your cave going to town on a foxy ass she-hydra.”

“Hisssss,” the eighth head said. “We are the last hydra!”

“Yeah,” the ninth head said. “Way to open up old wounds, you insensitive prick!”

“Well,” Odysseus said. “Maybe if you’d been taking care of business your species wouldn’t be nearly extinct now and you’d be knee deep in hydra snatch, wouldn’t you?”

All nine heads hanged low as they started to cry.

The first head sniffed. “You’re…you’re right.”

“We didn’t believe in ourselves!” the second head said.

“We didn’t make the she-hydras happy!” the third head said.

“And now we are doomed to jerk off in our cave until the end of days!” the fourth head said.

“Yeesh,” Odysseus said. “Well, good luck with that.”

The heads lifted up.

“Give us the woman!” the fifth head said.

“Or meet your doom!” the sixth head said.

Odysseus drew his sword, threw himself into the crowd and lopped off the first hydra head before making a perfect landing.

The crowd looked on in amazement. The remaining hydra hands cried out in pain, then smiled and laughed as another head grew in the first head’s place.

The seventh head looked at the adventurer. “Cut off one of our heads…”

“…and another will grow in its place,” the eighth head said.

The ninth head looked glum as it stared down at the dead head lying on the ground.

“Yeah…but…I kind of fancied Steve.”

“Right, right,” the second head said. “Steve was a right friendly old bloke.”

“Who knows what this new dingus will be like?” the third head asked.

The new head, or rather, the replacement first head, look at his compatriots.

“Hey guys,” the new head said. “Want to go get some gluten free, non-dairy soy milk lattes and artisanal vegan scones?”

“Aww fuck me in the hydra ass,” the fourth head said.

“A bloody hipster!” the fifth head said.

“Damn you, Odysseus!” the sixth head griped. “You’ve saddled us with a lousy hipster!”

“I didn’t saddle you with a hipster,” Odysseus said. “You dipshits saddled yourselves with a hipster when you refused to leave.”

“Come on, guys,” the new head said. “Let’s go see a play. I bet I’ve already read the scroll its based on so I’ll whisper to you all throughout the performance how the scroll is so much better and how much smarter I am than all of you because I read the scroll and you all didn’t.”

“Ugh!” the seventh head said. “Do us a solid and cut him off, Odysseus!”

“Yes,” the eighth head said. “Maybe the next head will not be such an unmitigated chode gargler.”

“Well,” Odysseus said as he raised his sword. “If you insist…”

“Stop!” the ninth head said.

Odysseus backed off.

“What are you doing?” the second head asked.

“We cannot allow our heads to be chopped off simply because we don’t like one of them,” the ninth head said. “He is ours till he is lost in battle. ’Tis the hydra way.”

“Bollocks!” the third hydra said.

“He’s insufferable,” the fourth hydra said.

“Maybe he won’t be so bad once we get to know him,” the fifth hydra head said.

“Check your hydra privilege, bros,” the new head said. “These micro-aggressions are really triggering my anxiety and making me feel like I need to retreat into my safe space.”

Eight of of nine heads winced.

“Lets just go,” the fifth head said.

“Yeah,” the sixth head said. “Before we lose another head and it gets replaced with something even worse than a hipster.”

The hydra shifted its massive weight around and slithered away from the palace.

“What could be worse than a hipster?” the seventh head asked.

“I don’t know,” the eighth head said. “Door-to-door salesman trying to sell us shit that we’d just pay for with our own money?”

“Seems counterproductive,” the ninth head said.

“And he’d always try to sell us shit during dinner too I bet,” the second head said.

“Hey guys,” the new head said. “I think I’m going to grow a dirt beard and get a fedora.”

The other heads groaned.

“Shut up, new guy!” the third head said.

“Yeah!” the fourth head added. “Shut your gob!”

“Maybe I’ll get a tattoo of a Chinese symbol,” the new head said. “Something like ‘faith’ or ‘believe’ you know? People will see it and think I’m deep.”

“Oh gods,” the fifth head said. “Someone cut my head off so I don’t have to listen to this drivel any longer!”

Odysseus waited a minute for the hydra to slither away then continued his spiel.

“Right, now that all the monsters are gone…”

The adventurer spotted a nine-foot tall hulking figure wearing a cloak that was pulled down over its face.

“Hey…you there!”

“Raargh?” the figure asked.

“Yes, rarrgh!” Odysseus said. “Who are you?”

The figure shook its head and looked down. “Blarga raargh.”

Odysseus walked right up to the figure, leaned up his tippy toes and yanked its hood off to reveal noneother than the bullish head of the minotaur himself.

“Raaarga raarga rahhhh!”

“Don’t you ‘raarga raarrga rahh me, minotaur!” Odysseus said as he wagged his finger at the beast’s gold ring pierced snout.

“Arrgh flargha jaarga jaarga barrga barrga pppbbbhhht!”

“What?” Odysseus asked incredulously.

“Arrga slarga!” the minotaur shouted.

“That’s preposterous,” Odysseus said. “You don’t even know my mother.

The Dioscuri joined their friend.

“I knew it was a mistake letting you live, minotaur!” Castor said.

“Yes,” Pollux said. “Go back to your maze at once!”

The minotaur stomped his hoof. “Errgsa florgas!”

Odysseus gasped. “Minotaur! You kiss your mother with that mouth?”

The half-man/half-bull trudged away, defeated.

“Yeah!” Castor shouted.

“You better walk away!” Pollux added.

Without turning around, the minotaur flipped the Dioscuri the bird then continued to trudge off.

“Right then,” Odysseus said. “Now that the riffraff is gone, let’s get down to business.”

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