Category Archives: Toilet Gator

I have edited 100,000 words of Toilet Gator

I think this thing actually has a legit chance of making it’s way to your Amazon Kindle.  God bless you, Jeff Bezos:

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Toilet Gator Second Draft Edits Resume – AGAIN

I hate it when you lose work and have to do it all over again.  I just feel like your first gut feeling is always the best, it’s impossible to recreate.

But try, I must, for the world needs, nay, DESERVES…TOILET GATOR!

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I’m So Proud of the Toilet Gator Covers

TOILET GATOR:

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Book 2 – Son of Toilet Gator:

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Book 3 – Toilet Gator in Space:

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I Paid Money for This Too…

…so watch it, you nerds.  I have to get my money’s worth:

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In Case You Were Wondering…

…where Book Three of the Toilet Gator series is going:

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Toilet Gator Second Draft Production Begins

3.5 readers, I am so excited to tell you that I have begun the long, hard slog toward finishing a second draft of my beloved novel, “Toilet Gator,” which really and truly is the best novel ever written about toilets, gators, or toilet gators.

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My goodness, 3.5 readers.  Isn’t that a wonderful cover?  Anyway, this is the first time I have begun a second novel draft.  It seems like it will be a long, arduous process.  The novel is approximately 140,000 words and so far I have rewritten 7,000 of them.  It is nice to be able to start solving problems I saw as I wrote the first draft but felt it would just slow me down to fix them, so now the time to fix them has come.

I hope when this book comes out, you will all support it and tell your friends, because if Toilet Gator is a success, then I can really bank some cash on the sequel, Son of Toilet Gator:

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You don’t even want to see what the cover of Book 3 will look like.

3.5 readers, I’ll be honest.  I’m no spring chicken and the older I get, the more I just want to stop and smell the daisies, then lie down in the dirt and wawit for the moss to grow over me.

So, if this blog makes you happy, and you think that being able to read wonderful books like Toilet Gator and Son of Toilet Gator would bring joy to your life, then please, do what you can to support my little enterprise here.

Read this fine blog.  Tell your friends.  Help get me some traffic.  If I can make money off this, then I can put more time into entertaining you, my beloved 3.5 readers, who I would never want to see be eaten by a toilet gator.

Do watch out for toilet gators, 3.5 readers.  They’re everywhere and in greater numbers than you’d think.  Frankly, I have taken my life into my hands by publishing their secret, so much so that I get scared every time I sit on the throne to poop now, and not just because I’m a burrito fan.

Stay tuned, 3.5 readers.

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Toilet Gator is the Best Novel Ever

I just breezed through reading the full first draft and I’d forgotten a lot of what I wrote.  Yeah, this book is funny as all get out.  I should win like a thousand awards for this thing.  Surely, if there is a “Best Book Ever Written About Toilet Gators” then that award should be mine.

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An Open Letter to All Big Time Hollywood Directors

Dear Big Time Hollywood Directors,

I know life is hard for you, what with having a job most men dream of and banging supermodels on top of big piles of cash, all while promising them a gig in your next movie (you aren’t going to give it to them are you, you sly dog) but I’d love it if you could take a moment to consider my book, “Toilet Gator” for your next project:

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Toilet Gator.  Yes, toilet gator.

It’s got heart.  It’s got soul.  It’s got people being eaten by a giant lizard while they’re trying to take a dump.

It’s a comedic romp, a heartwarming drama, a baffling mystery, an epic horror story, a romance and a summer blockbuster action tale all wrapped up into one big scaly package.  I have no doubt that the alligator chosen to play the toilet gator will become the next big celebrity unless, of course, you choose to go the CGI route.  It’s up to you.  Who am I to stifle your creative process?

For the hero gator hunter Cole Walker, I see someone like Jon Hamm, a bit up there in years though he has still retained his handsome features.  Maybe his estranged wife Sharon Walker could be played by someone like Kim Dickens, that chick the plays the mom on “Fear the Walking Dead.”  I’m not telling you how to make your casting decisions.  I’m just saying that we need a hot babe after forty who has fought the forces of gravity to still keep it tight, someone who has withstood the ravages of time and come out the other side with the ability to still pop all the boners in her general vicinity.

Is this the best novel ever written about toilets, gators, or toilet gators?  Yes.  But don’t take my word for it.  Check out this quote:

Toilet Gator is the best novel ever written about toilets, gators, or toilet gators.”

– No One Ever

There’s no arguing with that.  Did I mention that Dame Judi Dench would be an excellent choice for elderly spitfire Maude?  As for Rusty, we just need a famous redheaded man.  What about that guy that played Brodi on “Homeland.”  He’s not doing anything important these days is he?

Look directors, I’m telling, this one is a winner.  So let’s make a deal.  Have your people call my people.  We’ll get the crooked lawyers to draw up the paperwork and I’ll tell you where to back up the Brinks truck full of my gold ingot bars as my compensation for allowing you to put the fruits of my genius mind on screen.

J.J. Abrams, you could add a sci-flare with an edge to this.

Tarantino, you could feel free to start the story with a victim getting pooped out by the gator then work your way to the beginning when the victim is eaten.

Scorcese, you could turn this into an Italian gangster flick with the toilet gator as the boss.

Ron Howard, you could hire Tom Hanks to play the toilet gator.  Just put him in some green makeup and then have him steal our hearts for the umpteenth million time.

Wes Anderson, you could turn this into an eccentric comedy, one where people who read the New Yorker and sit around their chic Manhattan apartments and sniff their own farts find it hilarious while the rest of us don’t find it funny at all but feel bad about ourselves for not laughing, like if we’d just paid a little more attention in school we’d get your jokes.

Christopher Nolan, you could make the toilet gator really dark and brooding and leave us completely unsure of what we just saw.

M. Knight Shyamalan, you could end the story with the toilet gator unzipping himself to reveal that he is actually a toilet elephant.  What a twist!

George Lucas, you could present the toilet gator with some fabulous special effects and then sell out twenty years later and add in a bunch of bullshit that no one wants just because CGI gives you the ability to do so.

Steven Spielberg…eh, I’m not messing with you, Spielberg.  You’d make a fantastic toilet gator flick.

Patiently Awaiting Your Answer,

Bookshelf Q. Battler

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Toilet Gator First Draft Complete!

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5 months.  147,373 words.

And now, the first draft of Toilet Gator is complete.

I learned from the mistake I made last year.  I wrote a great first draft of “How the West Was Zombed” but that story turned into a multi-volume series and right now, I just need to get a few one and dones up onto Amazon just to start building that fan base.

As you can see from the Epilogue, the door is open for a Toilet Gator sequel, but also, shut just enough in case there isn’t a resounding demand for Toilet Gator 2.

I learned a lot.  Specifically, comedy is my best stuff, because it keeps me interested, makes me laugh, have fun, and most importantly, I can break the rules, rules that can never be broken in other genres.

Now all I have to do is get it polished up and edited.  Thanks for reading, 3.5 readers.

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Toilet Gator – Epilogue

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Flanked by the secret service, President Stugotz entered a top secret government lab. There, he found Professor Lambert standing over a table covered with Skippy’s tail and a bunch of disgusting alligator chunks.

“Well,” President Stugotz said. “Can we rebuild him? Do we have the tech…”

Professor Lambert raised his pointer finger and pressed it over the President’s lips. “Shh! Don’t finish that sentence. It’s most likely a copyright violation. Or maybe it isn’t. I don’t know. All I know is that no one has ever pissed off Lee Majors and lived to tell the tale.”

“Blech,” President Stugotz said. “Don’t put your dirty finger on my pristine lips. I don’t know where that finger has been.”

The Professor sniffed his finger and shook his head. “Come to think of it, neither do I.”

“So what’s the good word, Professor?” the President asked.

“Mr. President,” Professor Lambert said. “I was honored when you asked me to participate in this project. Really, I was, but now that I have had the time to learn the end result you’re hoping to achieve here, I have to say, this initiative goes against everything I’ve spent my entire life fighting against.”

“I’ll add three more zeros to your check,” President Stugotz.

“And my morals just went out the window,” Professor Lambert said.

The professor lit up a doobie and puffed on it.

“Should you be smoking around the samples?” President Stugotz said.

“The samples?” Professor Lambert asked. “Oh, you mean all these gator chunks? No, yuck. We can throw them away. They’re useless.”

“What the hell, man?” President Stugotz asked. “I thought you were just going to sew all these gator chunks back together and make me a great big beautiful Frankengator, you know, a monster of my very own that will obey all my commands and pop out of the toilets of my enemies to devour them hole.”

“With the CIA’s help, I found something much better, Mr. President,” Professor Lambert said.

The professor punched a combination into the door of a refrigerated vault, then pulled out a small vile filled with a frozen liquid.

“Is that what I think it is?” President Stugotz asked.

“Indeed it is, Mr. President,” Professor Lambert answered.
The two men laughed in a profoundly evil manner. “Muah ha…muah ha…muah ha ha!”

When they were done laughing, the President turned to the Professor. “I’m starving. The First Lady has me on a new diet. Nothing but kale cauliflower. I’ve never been more regular. Believe me, there’s no one as regular as I am now. But screw it, I’m hungry, want to get something to eat?”

“On the way here, wherever ‘here’ is, I saw a fried chicken stand next to a titty bar out of a tiny slit in the bag the CIA put on my head,” Professor Lambert said.

“Professor,” the President replied. “You had me at chicken and titties.”

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