Dear Big Time Hollywood Directors,
I know life is hard for you, what with having a job most men dream of and banging supermodels on top of big piles of cash, all while promising them a gig in your next movie (you aren’t going to give it to them are you, you sly dog) but I’d love it if you could take a moment to consider my book, “Toilet Gator” for your next project:
Toilet Gator. Yes, toilet gator.
It’s got heart. It’s got soul. It’s got people being eaten by a giant lizard while they’re trying to take a dump.
It’s a comedic romp, a heartwarming drama, a baffling mystery, an epic horror story, a romance and a summer blockbuster action tale all wrapped up into one big scaly package. I have no doubt that the alligator chosen to play the toilet gator will become the next big celebrity unless, of course, you choose to go the CGI route. It’s up to you. Who am I to stifle your creative process?
For the hero gator hunter Cole Walker, I see someone like Jon Hamm, a bit up there in years though he has still retained his handsome features. Maybe his estranged wife Sharon Walker could be played by someone like Kim Dickens, that chick the plays the mom on “Fear the Walking Dead.” I’m not telling you how to make your casting decisions. I’m just saying that we need a hot babe after forty who has fought the forces of gravity to still keep it tight, someone who has withstood the ravages of time and come out the other side with the ability to still pop all the boners in her general vicinity.
Is this the best novel ever written about toilets, gators, or toilet gators? Yes. But don’t take my word for it. Check out this quote:
“Toilet Gator is the best novel ever written about toilets, gators, or toilet gators.”
– No One Ever
There’s no arguing with that. Did I mention that Dame Judi Dench would be an excellent choice for elderly spitfire Maude? As for Rusty, we just need a famous redheaded man. What about that guy that played Brodi on “Homeland.” He’s not doing anything important these days is he?
Look directors, I’m telling, this one is a winner. So let’s make a deal. Have your people call my people. We’ll get the crooked lawyers to draw up the paperwork and I’ll tell you where to back up the Brinks truck full of my gold ingot bars as my compensation for allowing you to put the fruits of my genius mind on screen.
J.J. Abrams, you could add a sci-flare with an edge to this.
Tarantino, you could feel free to start the story with a victim getting pooped out by the gator then work your way to the beginning when the victim is eaten.
Scorcese, you could turn this into an Italian gangster flick with the toilet gator as the boss.
Ron Howard, you could hire Tom Hanks to play the toilet gator. Just put him in some green makeup and then have him steal our hearts for the umpteenth million time.
Wes Anderson, you could turn this into an eccentric comedy, one where people who read the New Yorker and sit around their chic Manhattan apartments and sniff their own farts find it hilarious while the rest of us don’t find it funny at all but feel bad about ourselves for not laughing, like if we’d just paid a little more attention in school we’d get your jokes.
Christopher Nolan, you could make the toilet gator really dark and brooding and leave us completely unsure of what we just saw.
M. Knight Shyamalan, you could end the story with the toilet gator unzipping himself to reveal that he is actually a toilet elephant. What a twist!
George Lucas, you could present the toilet gator with some fabulous special effects and then sell out twenty years later and add in a bunch of bullshit that no one wants just because CGI gives you the ability to do so.
Steven Spielberg…eh, I’m not messing with you, Spielberg. You’d make a fantastic toilet gator flick.
Patiently Awaiting Your Answer,
Bookshelf Q. Battler