Tag Archives: health

I Paid Money for This Too…

…so watch it, you nerds.  I have to get my money’s worth:

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Stop Sucking with Vinny Baggadouchio – Why Do I Suck at Weight Loss?


World Renowned Motivational Speaker/Anti-Suck Expert Vinny Baggadouchio

I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and I’m anti-suck ninja using my fists of fury to knock the suck out of big fat suckers the world over.

Do you suck?  You know, you don’t have to suck anymore, especially when you can buy one of my many fine anti-suck books, guaranteed to help you mend your sucky ways:

You Don’t Have To Suck Anymore

You Don’t Have to Go Home and Suck, But You Can’t Suck Here

Bring in Da Noise, Bring Out Da Suck

Who Let the Suck Out?

Coming to Terms with Your Inner Suck

I Cast You Out, Suck!

Everyone Sucks But Me

I Suck, You Suck, He Sucks, We Suck

Beyond the Valley of the Suck

The Anti-Suck Workbook

101 Ways You Suck

How to Stop Sucking in Twelve Easy Steps

3.5 readers, when it comes to food, there’s a big old suck/anti-suck paradox.  In moderation, good food does not suck.  Nope, it doesn’t suck at all.  In fact, it’s really delicious.

Alas, if you eat too much food, it’s easy to get fat and in doing so, suck up your health and suck up your life.  Just look at this letter that a big old sucker sent to me:

Dear Vinny B,

I’m a big fat sucker.  I don’t like to admit it but I am.  It started innocently enough.  An extra helping at dinner.  An extra slice of pizza.  An extra glass of soda.  Pretty soon I was busting out of my pants and buying extra sizes.  Worse, whenever I try to stop, it’s difficult.  My body has become so used to all the fat and sugar that when I try to drop it, I feel like a big fat werewolf that needs to be locked in a cage just to keep me from devouring a pint of ice cream.

I’m so fat that everyone hates me now.  Whenever I walk down the street, people go out of their way to walk up to me and say things like, “I hate you because you’re fat” and “You’re a bad person because you’re fat” and “You’re dreams will never come true because you’re a big dumb fat person.”  And that’s just my family.  You don’t want to hear what strangers say to me.

I try to exercise but I get winded just walking out of my car to the front door of the gym.  I try to eat less but by the end of the day I’m sucking down a bag of barbecue chips like they’re the last bag in the world.

What can I do, Vinny?  This sucks.


A Big Fat Sucker in Milwaukee

Hey Big Fat Sucker.  I’m sorry to hear about your problem.  It sounds like your life really sucks, so let me do my best to help you un-suck it posthaste.

First, let me point this out – fat people are literally the last group where it is acceptable for literally everyone to discriminate against with reckless abandon.

No word of a lie.  Go back and watch movies that are even ten years old and you’ll find jokes about race, jokes about sexual orientation, jokes about gender.  Obviously, I’m not saying those jokes didn’t suck but since then, we a society have begun to suck less at hurting feelings and so those jokes have been purged from the public square.

Meanwhile, on the rare occasion a fat guy is still allowed on TV, it’s never without stereotypes.  Fat people fart a lot.  Fat people hide sandwiches all over the place and they run to the bathroom and pull a hoagie out of the toilet tank and eat it and cry.  (Not gonna lie, I did that once during my darker, suckier days.)

You never see just like, a nice fat person in a movie who, despite his fatness, manages to help people.

Outside of the media, fat people face all sorts of sucky discrimination.  It’s hard for a fatty to get employed.  After all, no one likes a fatty.  Some of that is valid.  I mean, if you’re too fat too run, you can’t expect to be hired as a firefighter or a policeman.  On the other hand, if you’re a competent, intelligent fatty, there’s no reason why you can’t be hired for say, a receptionist job, except that the boss will probably prefer his clients to be greeted by a hot skinny chick than someone who looks like they free base whipped cream before they get out of the bed in the morning.

Fat people get all sorts of sucky comments when they walk around all day.  There’s a social stigma that has worked to prevent people from saying all sorts of hateful, discriminatory comments, yet literally no one ever thinks twice about shouting, “Hey fatty!”  whenever a fatty walks onto a bus.

Sadly, few people trust a fatty.  Old ladies have been known to clutch their grocery bags just a little tighter whenever there’s a fatty around.  I mean, sure, that fat person is fat, but they aren’t going to steal your groceries.  They’re going to go buy their own food and eat it and then be sad.

Often, for a fatty, it’s a vicious cycle.  They eat too much.  They feel bad.  They want to lose weight.  They’ll work real hard on it for a week only to see like two pounds tick off the scale when maybe they have a hundred or more to go.

They can literally feel the world giving them the shaft and life passing them by and so it becomes difficult to not just reach out for the only thing that doesn’t say no, the only thing that never denies them comfort, i.e. – food.

You laugh, but if you’ve had any kind of addiction, you’re doing the same thing.  Alcoholics, smokers and sex addicts are also putting their bodies at risk, it’s just that, you know, you can’t look at a person and realize right away that they’re an alcoholic or a smoker or a sex fiend.  Alas, the fatty’s problem is plain for the world to see.

In short, you can hide an alcohol problem, but if you’re fat, the whole world knows you eat too many donuts.

Big Fat Sucker, there’s probably no advice I can give you that you already don’t know, but I’ll try.

#1 – Forgive yourself.

Hard, but necessary.  You hate yourself for ruining your life with food.  You can see how good life has been for skinny people and you want in.  You’re mad you’ve missed out on it for so long.  Stop beating yourself up…you have to.  The more down you get, the more likely you’ll reach for the fridge.

# 2 – Exercise

Not easy and maybe at first you won’t be able to do much, but a little everyday builds up and eventually you’ll be able to exercise a lot.

#3 – Eat less and better.

A no brainer.  I feel like I’m insulting your intelligence by saying this.

#4 – Recognize You’re an Addict

Recovering alcoholics stay out of bars.  Recovering fatties should stay out of pizza parlors, candy stores, places that could trigger a fatty relapse.

#5 – Stay Away from Negative People

For some reason, people like to get into each others’ business.  If you’re a recovering alcoholic, no one will ever shove a beer at you, but if you’re a recovering fatty, everyone shoves food at you and they act like you’re a dick if you don’t take it.  The average person just sees food as a nice thing.  They don’t understand what it does to you.

Thus, you’ll go to a friend’s party to be polite.  You’ll sit there and try to sip a glass of water and enjoy a light snack but guaranteed, every asshole at the party will shove hot dogs, hamburgers, cookies, cake, Aunt Gertie’s casserole and so on at you and they’ll act like you’re Hitler if you say no.

You’ll never succeed at trying to explain to these folks your point of view.  Just smile politely, take the food, drop it in the trash when they aren’t looking.

#6 – Imagine How Happy You’ll Be

Do you sometimes think that if you had just begun your weight loss journey a year ago, you’d be much happier today?  Don’t worry.  Just start today because next year will be here before you know it.

#7 – Consider Other Options

Bariatric surgery and other weight loss surgeries might be something you’d want to look into.  I can’t really advise you on that.  You’d have to talk to your doctor and really you should consult your doctor on any weight loss plan.  In fact, BQB’s lawyer reminds you that I’m just talking out of my ass here, so you shouldn’t follow anything I say in this column but rather do  your own research.


Being fat sucks and like any addiction, it’s not easily beaten.  However, it can be overcome and all of you Big Fat Suckers can do it.  Just know that your old pal Vinny B believes in you, so drop that pizza, pick up a celery stalk and get on the treadmill.

Most importantly, stop sulking over the years you’ve lost to fatness.  Start looking forward to a life as a skinny, non-fat sucker.  It’s a life that’s just a few good, non-sucky decisions away.

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The Male Biological Clock is Real

Hey 3.5 readers.

My best buddy, “The Alleged Man” or the person everyone thinks is me but isn’t, has been pretty bummed as of late.

See, he’s 38, and since 35 the realization has been a slow trickle, now turning into a busted water faucet of a realization that his window to father children is getting narrower and narrower.

In theory, yes, if you can squeeze out some joy juice out of a one hundred year old man, you might be able to use it to knock up a chick.  However, that 100 year old still needs to get the go ahead from a young, fertile chick…because, you know, otherwise he’d be a centenarian rapist.

NOTE TO SELF:  “Centenarian Rapist” would be an awesome title for my next book.  TAGLINE: He raped his way through the Great Depression and two world wars, now he’s raping his way into the grave.  Begin plans for a 99 Design cover contest posthaste.

Back to the point.  Do things look grim for this stud muffin?  Should he just slap himself for not working harder to impregnate a chick in his early days, then forgive himself an accept his spawn-less existence?

I mean, our own 45th POTUS managed to knock up a hot younger woman at age 60 but, you know, he’s super rich and famous and also the POTUS and also has fantastic hair and I have heard rumors that he is often talked about on the news for some reason.

But do keep in mind AM not rich or famous or the POTUS.  That probably won’t happen until I release “Son of Toilet Gator” and then everyone will be all like “Oh AM you’re so super awesome, please impregnate all the women, yay.”

Yeah, yeah, forget pity and condolences about “Hey, Alleged Man, maybe you can adopt or maybe you’ll meet a babe with kids of her own and the Dad has skipped town.”

The Alleged Man is wondering about his chances of actually getting his swimmers past the fallopian goal line.

Sadly, the “Sell a Billion Copies of Toilet Gator and impregnate a gold digging supermodel” looks like it is still years away from coming to fruition.

Plus, AM recently read something about how the older you get, the worse your sperm gets.  AM is now highly concerned that a microscopic slide of his jism would bear a striking resemblance to a bunch of tiny tadpoles slapping each other around like the Three Stooges.  Nyuk nyuk.


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BQB’s Glasses Dilemma

Hey 3.5.

Your old pal BQB here.

So, I hate when bloggers talk about their personal problems on their blogs.  The readers came from entertainment and insightful conversation and…

3.5 READERS: We come for not of that BQB.  We have literally gotten none of that here.

Oh ok then.

So here’s the deal, and I figure since you are all nerds, you too have had problems with glasses:

  • About midway through last year, maybe 6 months ago, I started noticing that when I sit a certain distance away from a computer monitor, I had trouble seeing it.  It didn’t look in focus.  Now, to explain, well I don’t want to say my life story, but once a week I find myself at one desk in particular.  It’s kind of large.  The computer is positioned kind of far away, yet not so far away that it should be a problem.  It worried me but I never experienced the problem anywhere else so I didn’t worry about it and when I’m at that particular desk (I’m only at this desk once a week so it didn’t seem like a big deal) I just scooch myself closer.  Still, when I’m on a desktop, I’ve always prefer to lean back in my chair like a fat, bloated lounge lizard and I used to be able to do that with no problem but now I have to sit up and lean in to see the screen.
  • I’ve been going to the same optometrist since childhood, literally the same man who gave me my first set of glasses as a little boy nerd.  So, since I’m no spring chicken myself, you can imagine this guy is an old timer.
  • I always stuck with the guy because I never really cared for places like Pearl Vision or Lens Crafters or shit like that because I never really liked the idea of turning health issues into a franchise.  I’ll go to a franchise for pizza, chicken and burgers, but I wouldn’t go to a franchise for assistance with any of my body parts so why go to one for my eyes?
  • Well anyway, long story short, one of those franchises opened in town and I’m not sure what happened but my long serving optometrist closed his office and went to work for those corporate franchise bastards.  I don’t want to cast aspersions.  He seemed happy enough.
  • So, I tend to let eye appointments go a long time.  I know you should go once a year but if I’m not having any problems I tend to let it go a long time.  Last time I went in was 2013 and the old timer still had his office.  So, give or take some months, its been three and some change years.
  • I also don’t like going because I don’t like the idea that my prescription might change.  Since childhood, it has always amazed, and frightened me, that there are all sorts of precision tests (X-rays, lab work, procedures) to help a doctor determine what is wrong with certain parts of your body, yet all of optometry revolves around the optometrist putting a damn metal mask that contains like a zillion lenses inside and then he starts flipping them and going, “1 or 2, 1 or 2, 1 or 2…” Shit, I don’t know!
  • Literally, most of the time I can’t tell a difference between “1 or 2.”  So I hate to go to appointments because I fear he’ll up my prescription to the point where he’ll have me wearing a pair of goddamn hubble telescope fucking Mr. Magoo like glasses on my face.  My glasses are pretty thin and I’d like to keep it that way.  I’m sorry, but it’s hard enough to get chicks with thin glasses and its virtually impossible to get it with coke bottle glasses.
  • So, it having been a long time and it worrying me about my screen issue, I finally bit the bullet and followed the old timer to his new home in the evil franchise.
  • He does the “1 or 2” bullshit with me.  I don’t blame him.  I’m sure at optometry school there is a giant room with a thousand aspiring eye doctors who sit in front of a thousand mannequins with their faces stuffed into eye glass machines and they spend all day peppering the mannequins with, “1 or 2, 1 or 2…”
  • If I can’t tell a legit difference or even if its close, I always say, “same.”  Again, I don’t want to go up if I don’t have to.  If there’s like a real, “Holy shit that’s so much better” moment then OK, I won’t deny myself the comfort but I’ve never had it.  It’s just always “1 or 2” and they both look close so I just go with same.
  • This time I let the dude kind of bully me.  On one try, he kept going 1 or 2 and I kept saying same and then eventually he was like, “Come on you must be able to see a difference” so I caved and picked one and shit, he upped one lense just a bit.  The other stayed the same.
  • I didn’t contest it.  I’d had the problem with the screen so I figured maybe I was having a problem.  Maybe an adjustment would help.
  • OK here’s where it gets interesting.  I let his eyeglass saleswoman talk me into getting anti-glare coating on my glasses.  I usually never let sales people talk me into add ons.  When I buy a car, I tell the salesman trying to sell me undercarriage wax to go pound sand.  When I buy a video game, I tell the cashier trying to sell me scratch protection for the game disk to shove it where the sun don’t shine.  But here, I thought I was in a medical establishment.  Anti-glare?  Yes.  Shield my eyes from UV rays.  A small price to pay for eye protection.
  • I’ve had these new specs close to 2 weeks.  For the first week, I didn’t notice a problem.  Then starting Monday, I noticed I’m having the problem of not being able to see computer screens clearly…on every screen.  Lap top.  All other desk tops, not just the one I had the problem with once a week.
  • I wondered if it was the anti-glare coating.  Computer screens give off light, maybe that doesn’t sit well with the anti glare.  But then I put on my old glasses and I didn’t notice a difference.  I still had a problem staring at screens.  Yes, I also have a problem staring at my cell phone.
  • So I don’t know what to do.  Let’s review:

A)  I should go in and since I’ve got a month to change the glasses with no extra charge, tell them the anti-glare coat smokes pole and that I’d like a new pair without the glare.  I have talked to a few nerds who have gone to the same store and they too tell me they hated the anti glare.

B)  But if I experienced the problem with the old glasses, this is likely a sign of some bigger problem with my eyes that the anti glare removal may not fix.  Perhaps I should see the doctor and ask him to test me again.  I did mention the screen issue when I saw him and he said ok and proceeded to test me and that’s all that came of it at the time.

C) If I ask him to test me again, I’m not sure what he’d find since it has only been two weeks.  I’ll feel like an asshole explaining this to him.  I’ll go through the same test.  Most likely it will have the same result.  I’ll go through a bunch of shit and get rid of the anti glare glasses for regular glasses and I’ll still have screen problems.

D)  There’s literally a part of me that wants to lie and go in with a story about a hobo who punched me in the face on a subway and my eyes haven’t felt right since just so I have a better story as to why I want him to look at my eyes again after seeing him 2 weeks ago.

E)  On top of that, I have been

Advise me, 3.5 readers.  What should I do?

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Top Ten Reasons Why Your Breath Stinks


Ahh, the face hole – the best and the worst of human body cavities.  It lets us talk and eat, but at times, it can also smell like a butt, aka the worst of body cavities.

Does your breath stink?  I’m not a dentist but I play one on this blog.  From BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Reasons Why Your Breath Stinks:

#10 – Throat Gremlins

Sad, but true, tiny creatures have been known to set up shop in a human throat and party hearty.  Soon, they start to stink and that stink comes out of your pie hole.  Ten out of ten scientists who attended science school in Barbados will agree with me on this.

#9 – Demonic Possession

It happens.  You’re taking a nap, minding you business and without realizing it, a damn demon has set up shop in your body.  It makes you scream, swear, belch, fart, projectile vomit on everyone, it’s a whole mess.  Even worse, they make your breath stink.  Consult your local Catholic priest for assistance.

#8 – A Small Animal Crawled Into Your Mouth and Died

People often say, “Yeesh!  What crawled into your mouth and died?” to a person with stank breath.  Little do these people know that this often happens.  Mice, rats, bats, porcupines, armadillos, frogs, lizards.  It doesn’t even have to me a small animal.  I knew a dude who once fell asleep and a damn emu crawled into his mouth and bought the farm.  Always post signs around your sleeping area to notify animals on their last legs to go find another mouth to crawl into and die in because yours is off limits.

#7 – Oniony, Garlicky Foods

Truly, a Sophie’s choice.  Do I want to eat something delicious or do I want to avoid stink breath?  Eh, just be honest.  If you look like a butt, then you might as well eat something delicious and smell like a butt.  Having minty fresh breath won’t make you look less like a butt.

#6 – Butt Pranks

If you’re a member of a frat, chances are one of your frat brothers has placed a butt on your face while you are sleeping.  Remember, always lock your door and wear a catcher’s mask while sleeping to avoid butt pranks.  We here at the Bookshelf Battle Blog do not condone butt pranks or any other type of inappropriate butt related behavior of a butt like nature.

#5 – You Licked the Toilet Seat Again, Didn’t You?

How many times must I tell you to stop doing that?  Bad reader.  Bad, bad!  Get some help.

#4 – You Don’t Brush

There’s no magic cure for weight loss or to fix a variety of health problems, but sticking that brush in your face hole and wiggling it around for a while a few times a day can do wonders for your tooth health.  Take advantage of one of the few things that people can do to improve there lives that actually works.

#3 – You Don’t Floss

Your job isn’t done after brushing.  Brushing doesn’t get all the shit left between your teeth.  One time I didn’t floss my teeth for an entire year and learned that in the interim, the mob had started using the spaces between my choppers as a dumping ground for whacked snitches.  When I finally began flossing again, each time I’d stick the floss between my teeth and boom!  Hey, it’s Vinny Boombotz!  :::Floss::: Hey! It’s Mickey the Squirrel!  :::Floss:::  Oh my God, it’s Sal the Tuna!

#2 – You Don’t Use Mouth Wash

Brush, floss, then finish up the trifecta.  Get mouthwash.  The stronger the better.  I prefer Listerine.  Don’t just do one swish and spit it out.  Let it sit there in your mouth as you imagine the mouthwash molecules all look like a young Robert Duvall in Apocalypse Now.  Picture each molecule as a helicopter pilot coming in to drop minty fresh napalm on all of the germs in your suck hole.  “Oh, how I love the smell of minty fresh napalm in the morning.”

Um…if one of my 3.5 readers is Vietnamese I apologize for that metaphor.  I didn’t even write it.  It was the Yeti.

#1 – You Never See the Dentist

I know.  No one enjoys going to see the dentist.  But these fine tooth doctors can clean up your choppers, shine them up good and help you combat any suck hole related problems you may be suffering from.  Stop avoiding your dentist.  Your suck hole will thank you, as will the people who have to breathe the air in the vicinity of your suck hole.

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Top Ten Reasons Why Your Butt Hurts


Hello 3.5 readers.

Many of you may be unaware of this, but in my spare time, I dabble in the fine arts of proctology and have even been named an Amateur Proctologist by a noted correspondence school.

Does your butt hurt?  If it does, you’ve got to get on that.  A hurt butt left to chance is a disaster, not only for you but for anyone unlucky enough to be standing within your blast radius when it goes off.

Note that I’m talking about “hurt butts” and not “butt hurt.”  Butt hurt is when you experience emotional pain so deep that you end up feeling it in your butt.

I’m talking about actual hurting butts.  From BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, here are the top ten reasons why your butt might be hurting:

#10 – Alien Probes

Alien Jones informs me that this experimental method of human butt research has been banned, but there are aliens who have been known to go rogue all over human butts.  If your butt hurts, it may be because aliens snuck into your room and inserted all kinds of devices filled with bells, lights and whistles.

If you think it is possible that you have been probed by aliens, I would suggest that you set up surveillance cameras.  If, in the morning, your butt hurts, check the footage to see if any aliens were in your room.  Note that some aliens have Predator style cloaking devices, so you will have to look at the footage closely for the tell tale shimmer.

#9 – Wrong Toilet Paper

Take a look at your supermarket’s butt wipe aisle and you’ll find a smorgasbord of toilet paper.  Butts are like Goldilocks – sometimes they’ll find a paper to be too soft or too hard.  Your butt needs to keep looking until it finds the paper that is just right.  If you are using coarse sandpaper on your butt, you’re doing it wrong.

#8 – Parasites 

I told you not to drink that rain puddle water and/or to not make out with your dog but you just didn’t listen, did you?  Report to your doctor for immediate tapeworm removal.  Don’t look at me.  I’m just an amateur.

#7 – Getting Your Butt Kicked

Did you hit on someone else’s girlfriend?  Did you stick your nose some place where it didn’t belong?  Did you insult someone?  Then problem solved.  That giant shoe that connected with your butt is the reason why your butt hurts.  Put some ice on your butt and learn some manners.

#6 – Wiping Revisited

You might be doing it wrong.  Maybe you have the right toilet paper but the wrong technique.  Your butt is very sensitive so you must gently caress your butt as if you are touching it with the wings of an angel.  Don’t just stick a wad of toilet paper up your butt and go all jackhammer style.  That’s a good way to end up with a bad case of roids.

 #5 – Lightning Infused Toaster Pastry Toilet Death

Totally happened to me.  If you shoot a lightning bolt out of your butt, you will destroy your toilet, your life, and your butt.  Beware breakfast foods that have absorbed lightning, hurricanes, tornadoes or other catastrophic weather events.

#4 – Olympic Flatulence Competitions

Pictured above is East Randomtown Mayor Harvey Smotchenbocker.  Though he is a world class athlete who is able to shoot fire out of his butt, he has undergone years of training, thus allowing him to flex his butt muscles so as to shoot fire out of his butt without causing himself any damage.  I advise you to leave such flatulence theatrics to the professionals and to not try this at home.

#3 – Ingrown Butt Hairs

It happens.  Sometimes a butt hair grows rogue and causes all kinds of damage.  My best advice is to find a trustworthy friend who is willing to do you a solid and keep your butt hair trimmed.

#2 – Brazilian Wax 

Ah, the Brazilians.  They have given us so much.  Restaurants where they serve meat on swords AND super clean nether region waxing.  It’ll hurt today, but your butt will be totally smooth tomorrow…or the next day…or the day after that…whenever the swelling goes down.

#1 – Botched Colonoscopies

You don’t get to eat for a day before, you’ve got to take all kinds of laxatives or do whatever your doctor instructs you.  Then a giant camera attached to what can only be described as a leather octopus tentacle is shoved up your butt.  Done just right, it won’t hurt at all.  However, if your butt doctor just jams it up there and wiggles it around like he’s beating a bowl full of cake batter, then it will probably hurt.  Luckily, butt doctors go to school to practice their butt inspection techniques to avoid this problem.


I’m just an amateur so don’t take my advice.  If your butt hurts, seek the wise counsel of a professional butt doctor.  Women, you never know what’s going in your butts and the men staring at them can only tell you what’s going on outside of your pants.  Men, you’ve got those prostrates so get them checked before the Big C sets up shop.

A good butt doctor can save your life and keep you being one of my 3.5 readers for many years to come.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – I Hate Being Sick

I’m sick, 3.5 readers.  I know, all 3.5 of you admire and look up to me so much that it is difficult to comprehend me as a human being with human problems, but there you go.  It happens.

The weird part is that I would do anything for a glass of cold 7-Up right now.  Whenever I am sick, that’s what I desire the most.  I usually wait awhile until the coast is clear and it looks like I can drink some without shooting it out of my top and bottom like that little girl in the Exorcist.

However, I don’t have any, so when I feel better, I’ll have to haul my butt out to get some.  This reminds me of something I’ve always said during past bouts with the flu, namely, that I would create a stockpile of 7-Up in BQB HQ and have it at the ready in the event I get sick.

Easier said than done though because, come on, 7-Up is delicious and I would just drink up my theoretical stockpile even when I’m feeling good.

Maybe if I keep a bottle under glass and smash the glass only when I’m sick but really, who wants to clean up smashed glass?  Not me.  I’m sick.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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Daily Discussion with BQB – What Can We Learn From Buddhism?

If I’m understanding Buddhism correctly, and I probably am not, life and in particular, all of the material and greedy pursuits that we tend to seek are fleeting and impermanent, therefore they can never make us truly happy so we should either stop chasing them or if we do chase them we should not feel bad if we fail because had we succeeded we were eventually going to lose whatever it was that we were pursuing anyway.

The big house, the fancy car, the supermodel girlfriend with the giant fake boobs – these will all be lost sooner or later so rather than beat yourself up for not achieving them, focus on calmness of mind and spirit and meditate.

If your mind starts to dwell on mistakes you made in the past, mistakes you made that cause you to hate yourself because you feel they prevented you from getting the big house, the fancy car and the girlfriend with the big fake boobs, then close your eyes and mediate.  Focus on your breathing, focus your mind on thinking about nothing, repeat a mantra and chant it over and over again, essentially distract your mind.  You will only feel bad if you keep rehashing all of your failures in your mind.  Focus instead on meditation.

It’s basically like those shirts – “Keep calm and…”  Well, instead of “and drink beer” or whatever, it’s “Keep Calm and Meditate.”

Anyway, I’m sure there are better buddhists out there who could explain this better.  I tend to research subjects related to novels I am working on at the moment so don’t mind me, I’ll be researching something else in the next five minutes.

Also, in theory, I feel like the girlfriend with the big fake boobs would be a calming influence but only if you could have access to the big fake boobs without the ensuing problems that go with them but let’s keep it real.  She’d probably bring a lot of drama into your life, want all your money, leave you broke, cheat on you with the pool boy and so on.

Until they invent robot girlfriends with big fake boobs, meditation may be our only hope for staying calm.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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I’m Thinking About Becoming Amish


Hello 3.5 Englishes,

Your old pal BQB here.

So check it out.

I’m thinking about becoming Amish for the following reasons:

#1 – Too much stress.  Too much technology.

That’s two reasons. Too much stressful technology? OK now it is one.

Cell phones were a great invention but really never should have evolved other than you have a device you can use to call someone and ask for help if you find yourself in a jam.

YES – “I’ve run my car off the road and need help!”

NO – “Hello this is your boss. I know you are on vacation but I need to talk to you on the phone right now while you are sitting on the toilet in the bathroom of a Tijuana Señor Frog’s.”

3.5 READERS: But BQB what about your blog?

Good riddance, infernal blog! Who needs you? Always pestering me to update you just to entertain 3.5 readers.

NOTE: I’m just kidding. I love you blog and 3.5 readers.

#2 – Health – Diet and Exercise

Have you ever seen a fat Amish guy? No!

Why? First they’re always exercising. But they’re not going to gym like assholes and running around on a treadmill like a goddamn hamster on a wheel are they?

No. They are not. They are raising barns and churning butter and planting crops and so on.

Shit actually happens when they exercise.

Wait. You know what? Up until like 1950 people didn’t even think to call strenuous activity “exercise.” They just called it “doing shit.”

Here’s what people were like:

CHESTER: Hey Bob! You doing some shit on your farm?

BOB: Sure am, Chester. I’m doing all this shit on my farm, then later I’m going to pickup some heavy shit and move some shit and dig up some shit and plant some shit. You off to do some shit of your own?

CHESTER: Of course. Gotta get to my farm where I will also do a ton of shit. In fact, I got a long ass fuckin’ walk to my farm and I’ll tell you even that wears the shit out of me. But once I walk to my farm I’m going to do a lot of shit.

BOB: Boy howdy, doing shit sure does keep you from becoming a fat fuck doesn’t it?

CHESTER: What’s a fat fuck, Bob? I’ve never seen or heard of one before.

BOB: I think I saw one in a picture book once. Some egghead scientist theorized that if people ever stop doing shit they’ll get really fat.

CHESTER: Aint that some shit?


But now we’ve got cars and computers and gadgets and shit so a lot of the heavy lifting is gone.

Second reason why you never see a fat Amish guy – they’ve got good diets.

Seriously. They don’t have Amish McDonalds. They no quiero Taco Bell. They don’t have processed foods.

You know what their food process is? They pull a damn carrot out of the ground and shove it in their suck hole and then if they want a steak they cut it off the ass of the cow that has been their family friend for years.

That in and of itself would get me to stop eating meat and become a vegetarian.

I love steak and burgers, but only as long as some nameless butcher in some factory somewhere is hacking the cow to pieces somewhere far, far away where I never see it.

If I have to hack the cow up then I’ll just eat carrots instead. I’m not going to bond with Bossy the cow and then be all like, “I’m hungry so time to die, Bossy.”

And I love chicken, especially chicken tenders and chicken nuggets…but not enough to wrap my hands around a chicken’s neck and strangle the ever loving shit out of it until I watch all of that chicken’s hopes and dreams fade from its eyes as the last bit of its life force exits its feathery carcass.

No thank you. Fuck that. Pass the broccoli.  And no matter how many reports I get that broccoli is good for you, I will never forego red meat and chicken meat in the name of broccoli unless I’m Amish.

#3 – Romance Simplified

Oh my God.  Dating is such bullshit.

Just arrange my marriage when I’m five.  Or you know what? Just let me choose.  The one in the bonnet or the other one in the bonnet.

And let her choose too. This isn’t Communist Russia.  Let her choose between me, the one in the beard and the hat or the other one in the beard and the hat.

I’m sure there is a modicum of bullshit that enters into Amish dating.

“Oh, I was going to marry Ezekiel but Jedediah has raised far more many barns!”

But that’s fine. I’ll just raise a lot of barns. At least then I know what to do. Here in the modern world women get mad at you and you never know why and even they don’t know why.

But in Amish world its simple. You just haven’t raised enough barns and you need to raise some more and then you will be able to get your hands on an Amish babe’s sweet, sweet ankle.


So that’s it.

Those are my three reasons.

I want to be Amish so I can kick technology to the curb, exercise more, eat less and eat more nutritious food and impress women by raising barns.

What say you, 3.5 readers? Am I on to something here? Do you want to become Amish with me?

Who’s down?


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BQB’s Quitting Soda Journal

I’ve got a problem, 3.5 readers.Gerald-G-Fast-Food-Drinks-FF-Menu-4

Some people toke the ganja.

Others pop the pills.

There are people who even fill their nostrils with Bolivian Nose Candy.

Me? I chase a fizzy, bubbly dragon known as diet soda.

Sure, the love affair started out simply enough.

So many years ago, I needed to stay awake longer so I could study harder.

I thought all the studying would lead me to become a great man.

Had I known the height of my achievement would be to become the proprietor of a blog with 3.5 readers my responses would have been “What’s a blog?” and “Oh, I guess I’ll study less and sleep more then.”

Anyway, as the years went on, I became thoroughly hooked on the fizz.

It’s a vicious cycle.  I feel like I need it to stay awake.  But then because I’m jacked up on the caffeine, I can’t sleep.  And then because I didn’t sleep enough, I’m tired during the day, so I reach for a soda.

Oh and the diet soda isn’t always enough.  Sometimes I go for the hard stuff. Full on calorie laden regular cola.

And you know, if it were just me, I’d give in to the fizzy dragon.  I’d let the aspartame and sodium and caffeine and god knows what else course through my veins until I keep over in a pool of carbonated brown sugar water.

But its not me anymore.  Its me and my 3.5 readers and damn it, my 3.5 readers need me.

Who will entertain my 3.5 readers but me?

Who will feed the minds of my 3.5 readers but me?

Who will make my 3.5 readers feel better about themselves because at least they have accomplished more than starting a blog with 3.5 readers but me?

My 3.5 readers need me and I must live a long, happy, healthy life in order to entertain them.

Thus, I’m doing this for you, 3.5 readers.

Today, I will suck down my last soda.

Tomorrow, I begin the long walk to soda fiend recovery.

That’s right.  No soda pills. No soda patches. No soda 12-step programs.  No soda rehab centers.

I’m going cold turkey baby.

And I’ll update you once in awhile on how the soda quitting efforts are going.

I hope this will inspire you to drop your bad habits, 3.5 readers.  Or if you don’t have any, to not develop any.

Thanks for reading, 3.5.  As usual, you’re a trio and a half of good eggs.


Eduardo Ricardo Papageorgio Von Finklestein (Better known to his 3.5 readers as Bookshelf Q. Battler or BQB)

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