World Renowned Motivational Speaker/Anti-Suck Expert Vinny Baggadouchio
I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and I’m anti-suck ninja using my fists of fury to knock the suck out of big fat suckers the world over.
Do you suck? You know, you don’t have to suck anymore, especially when you can buy one of my many fine anti-suck books, guaranteed to help you mend your sucky ways:
You Don’t Have To Suck Anymore
You Don’t Have to Go Home and Suck, But You Can’t Suck Here
Bring in Da Noise, Bring Out Da Suck
Who Let the Suck Out?
Coming to Terms with Your Inner Suck
I Cast You Out, Suck!
Everyone Sucks But Me
I Suck, You Suck, He Sucks, We Suck
Beyond the Valley of the Suck
The Anti-Suck Workbook
101 Ways You Suck
How to Stop Sucking in Twelve Easy Steps
3.5 readers, when it comes to food, there’s a big old suck/anti-suck paradox. In moderation, good food does not suck. Nope, it doesn’t suck at all. In fact, it’s really delicious.
Alas, if you eat too much food, it’s easy to get fat and in doing so, suck up your health and suck up your life. Just look at this letter that a big old sucker sent to me:
Dear Vinny B,
I’m a big fat sucker. I don’t like to admit it but I am. It started innocently enough. An extra helping at dinner. An extra slice of pizza. An extra glass of soda. Pretty soon I was busting out of my pants and buying extra sizes. Worse, whenever I try to stop, it’s difficult. My body has become so used to all the fat and sugar that when I try to drop it, I feel like a big fat werewolf that needs to be locked in a cage just to keep me from devouring a pint of ice cream.
I’m so fat that everyone hates me now. Whenever I walk down the street, people go out of their way to walk up to me and say things like, “I hate you because you’re fat” and “You’re a bad person because you’re fat” and “You’re dreams will never come true because you’re a big dumb fat person.” And that’s just my family. You don’t want to hear what strangers say to me.
I try to exercise but I get winded just walking out of my car to the front door of the gym. I try to eat less but by the end of the day I’m sucking down a bag of barbecue chips like they’re the last bag in the world.
What can I do, Vinny? This sucks.
A Big Fat Sucker in Milwaukee
Hey Big Fat Sucker. I’m sorry to hear about your problem. It sounds like your life really sucks, so let me do my best to help you un-suck it posthaste.
First, let me point this out – fat people are literally the last group where it is acceptable for literally everyone to discriminate against with reckless abandon.
No word of a lie. Go back and watch movies that are even ten years old and you’ll find jokes about race, jokes about sexual orientation, jokes about gender. Obviously, I’m not saying those jokes didn’t suck but since then, we a society have begun to suck less at hurting feelings and so those jokes have been purged from the public square.
Meanwhile, on the rare occasion a fat guy is still allowed on TV, it’s never without stereotypes. Fat people fart a lot. Fat people hide sandwiches all over the place and they run to the bathroom and pull a hoagie out of the toilet tank and eat it and cry. (Not gonna lie, I did that once during my darker, suckier days.)
You never see just like, a nice fat person in a movie who, despite his fatness, manages to help people.
Outside of the media, fat people face all sorts of sucky discrimination. It’s hard for a fatty to get employed. After all, no one likes a fatty. Some of that is valid. I mean, if you’re too fat too run, you can’t expect to be hired as a firefighter or a policeman. On the other hand, if you’re a competent, intelligent fatty, there’s no reason why you can’t be hired for say, a receptionist job, except that the boss will probably prefer his clients to be greeted by a hot skinny chick than someone who looks like they free base whipped cream before they get out of the bed in the morning.
Fat people get all sorts of sucky comments when they walk around all day. There’s a social stigma that has worked to prevent people from saying all sorts of hateful, discriminatory comments, yet literally no one ever thinks twice about shouting, “Hey fatty!” whenever a fatty walks onto a bus.
Sadly, few people trust a fatty. Old ladies have been known to clutch their grocery bags just a little tighter whenever there’s a fatty around. I mean, sure, that fat person is fat, but they aren’t going to steal your groceries. They’re going to go buy their own food and eat it and then be sad.
Often, for a fatty, it’s a vicious cycle. They eat too much. They feel bad. They want to lose weight. They’ll work real hard on it for a week only to see like two pounds tick off the scale when maybe they have a hundred or more to go.
They can literally feel the world giving them the shaft and life passing them by and so it becomes difficult to not just reach out for the only thing that doesn’t say no, the only thing that never denies them comfort, i.e. – food.
You laugh, but if you’ve had any kind of addiction, you’re doing the same thing. Alcoholics, smokers and sex addicts are also putting their bodies at risk, it’s just that, you know, you can’t look at a person and realize right away that they’re an alcoholic or a smoker or a sex fiend. Alas, the fatty’s problem is plain for the world to see.
In short, you can hide an alcohol problem, but if you’re fat, the whole world knows you eat too many donuts.
Big Fat Sucker, there’s probably no advice I can give you that you already don’t know, but I’ll try.
#1 – Forgive yourself.
Hard, but necessary. You hate yourself for ruining your life with food. You can see how good life has been for skinny people and you want in. You’re mad you’ve missed out on it for so long. Stop beating yourself up…you have to. The more down you get, the more likely you’ll reach for the fridge.
# 2 – Exercise
Not easy and maybe at first you won’t be able to do much, but a little everyday builds up and eventually you’ll be able to exercise a lot.
#3 – Eat less and better.
A no brainer. I feel like I’m insulting your intelligence by saying this.
#4 – Recognize You’re an Addict
Recovering alcoholics stay out of bars. Recovering fatties should stay out of pizza parlors, candy stores, places that could trigger a fatty relapse.
#5 – Stay Away from Negative People
For some reason, people like to get into each others’ business. If you’re a recovering alcoholic, no one will ever shove a beer at you, but if you’re a recovering fatty, everyone shoves food at you and they act like you’re a dick if you don’t take it. The average person just sees food as a nice thing. They don’t understand what it does to you.
Thus, you’ll go to a friend’s party to be polite. You’ll sit there and try to sip a glass of water and enjoy a light snack but guaranteed, every asshole at the party will shove hot dogs, hamburgers, cookies, cake, Aunt Gertie’s casserole and so on at you and they’ll act like you’re Hitler if you say no.
You’ll never succeed at trying to explain to these folks your point of view. Just smile politely, take the food, drop it in the trash when they aren’t looking.
#6 – Imagine How Happy You’ll Be
Do you sometimes think that if you had just begun your weight loss journey a year ago, you’d be much happier today? Don’t worry. Just start today because next year will be here before you know it.
#7 – Consider Other Options
Bariatric surgery and other weight loss surgeries might be something you’d want to look into. I can’t really advise you on that. You’d have to talk to your doctor and really you should consult your doctor on any weight loss plan. In fact, BQB’s lawyer reminds you that I’m just talking out of my ass here, so you shouldn’t follow anything I say in this column but rather do your own research.
Being fat sucks and like any addiction, it’s not easily beaten. However, it can be overcome and all of you Big Fat Suckers can do it. Just know that your old pal Vinny B believes in you, so drop that pizza, pick up a celery stalk and get on the treadmill.
Most importantly, stop sulking over the years you’ve lost to fatness. Start looking forward to a life as a skinny, non-fat sucker. It’s a life that’s just a few good, non-sucky decisions away.