Tag Archives: health

Healthy Eating

Hey 3.5 readers.

Your old pal BQB here.

So, the past several months I have really gotten into healthy eating, such that I have seen a good amount of weight lost. My pants are actually loose and I’m at the point where I’m going to have to buy one size down. Hooray for healthy eating

It’s been a long learning process, and I’m still learning. My entire life, I was a dude who despised vegetables. I can’t say that I love them more than pizza, but I am becoming an adultier adult who understands pizza is bad and all foods like it must be verboten.

I have been trying new things. I bought a spiralizer, a device that you can stick a vegetable into it and it spits out “veggie noodles.” These aren’t really noodles, but a little bit of sauce…well I’d say it tricks you into thinking you’re eating spaghetti but it really doesn’t but cooked in noodle-like strips with a little light sauce is an easier way to get said veggies down.

I also bought a juicer. It’s a small, cheap one and did well for the low price. The good news is I made three little bottles of juice to drink throughout the week. The bad news is it took me all morning and by the time I was done my kitchen looked like a war zone. I am debating whether or not it is worth it and reading that good and bad things about juicing. The good is that it is a way to get those vegetables down. The bad is that it removes the fiber and while veggies don’t have sugar, they do have some, so you’re putting sugar into your body without the fiber that slows it down.

Speaking of sugar, I have learned to treat sugar and carbs as though they were those twin villains, Hitler and Stalin. Whenever I go into a grocery store, I hiss like a vampire when I see the bread aisle and walk away. Whenever I walk past the ice cream section, I entertain a fantasy in my mind to run around and karate punch every single last pint of these evil frozen sugar death traps.

Meanwhile, there was a time, and honestly, that time is still fairly recent, where I was a fast food junkie, such that when I pulled up to the drive-thru, the low paid minimum wage slaves would already know my order and knew me by name and shared their friggin life stories with me cuz holy shit I was at the fast food joints so much they all considered me their fat BFF. Hell, I probably put their kids through college…well, discount community college annex anyway because it’s not the 1970s anymore and a McD’s salary ain’t going to pay for higher education.

BTW, if sugar = Stalin and carbs = Hitler, then soda is definitely Pol Pot. Never heard of him? Oh sorry, your history teacher was probably one of those too hard to fire due to union rules types who just played movies for the class while he napped and fumed about how his wife ran away with the mail man and so cruel was she that she even took the remote, the cuisinart and the dog, Fido.

Pol Pot was a Cambodian psycho who became a commie dictator and convinced his devotees that in order to implement communism, they had to murder everyone who thought earning an honest buck via honest work was a rad idea…but then as violent regimes go, that moved from murdering capitalists to murdering everyone who looked at Pol Pot cock eyed, to anyone who might have thought about doing so, to murdering the guy who keeps leaving the seat up on the toilet, to murdering the guy who put a tin can in the paper only recycling bin, to murdering Grandma for baking stale cookies, and so on. But I’m not here to educate you on the evils of the Khmer Rouge. That’s what that movie “The Killing Fields” is for.

I’m here to tell you why soda is Pol Pot.

According to data I gleamed from the internet but am going to pretend like I figured it all on my own in a science lab, ladies should only eat 24 grams of sugar a day and men should only eat 36 grams of sugar a day. I don’t know the science of how much sugar you should eat if you are a dude who identifies as a lady or a lady who identifies as a dude other than to say that if your bodies don’t allow you to consume the requisite amount of sugar of the gender you identify as then your bodies are bigoted AF.

Long story short, I was in a store the other day and saw a display for, get this, Marshmallow Peep Flavored Pepsi.

Not gonna lie. The old me would have injected that shit straight into my veins. You think I’m joking but I’m serious, y’all. I would have taken that bottle home, spiked it up, then passed out with a record playing that “Hello Darkness My Old Friend” song in the background.

What? No it can’t be played on a phone. It has to be played on an old, scratchy AF record player that was made in 1935 for ambience. I know no questions are stupid, but damn.

OK here’s the kicker. That bottle of Peep Pepsi contain 68 GRAMS OF SUGAR!

And thus it all made sense, like I had suddenly become Neo and learned how to defeat the fat matrix by flipping the fat script and turning the fat rules against its fat self.

Seriously. Sugar = Stalin. Carbs = Hitler. Soda = Pol Pot. Don’t even get me started on Sodium. Sodium is Chairman Mao and if you think I’m being hard on communism and bad food, I am because both only survive on the back of the lie that everyone can do stupid shit forever and everything will be ok, whether it be thinking that people will work and do a good job for no profit or that you can consume a beverage that has 32 more grams of sugar that a dude should be drinking in a day. Ladies, I’m sorry, I didn’t do that math for you because I’m not sexist and I know you can work a calculator like an MF.

Anyway, such has been my journey and I am giving some serious thought to starting a second blog. What? No, I would continue to run this fine blog you’re reading right now. I’m just saying my second blog would be all about healthy eating but with my humorous take on it all.

Let me know what you think in the comments of this fine blog.


Other things I have done in the past few months I never thought I would ever do:

#1 – Eggplant steaks and eggplant fries

#2 – Veggie burgers

#3 – Saying and using the word “Keto” regularly for real and not as a goof.

#4 – Salads, to the point where I bought plastic salad bowls and dressing on the side cups and I make my own to take with me. Yes, always dressing that is low carb and low sugar.

#5 – Veggie burgers…which weren’t horrible.

#6 – Quinoa burgers…which weren’t horrible.

#7 – Quinoa itself which was the worst and I’m rethinking it because I believe it has lots of carbs.

#8 – Kale. So much kale. And spinach.

#9 – Cauliflower. Yeah, I know everyone is trying to pretend it is pizza and mac and cheese but it is not but that’s ok. Keto Ninjas like myself understand the ways of the keto force.

#10 – Not buying a bottle of that Peep Pepsi then using it to wash down a pizza. I used to do crap like that all the time. Imagine how much Stalin/Hitler/Pol Pot/Mao evil was mixed into all of that.

Tagged , ,

Daily Discussion with BQB – Coke or Pepsi?

My take:

Diet Pepsi is better than Diet Coke.

However, regular Coke is better than regular Pepsi.

Neither should be drunk, nor should any soda, because it’s all a form of legal yet highly poison…but that’s besides the point of which is better.


Tagged , , , ,

Daily Discussion with BQB – The Dancing Doctor

I read this story on CNN and I think I’m about to pack it in, 3.5 readers.

The desire for fame apparently knows no bounds.

If you didn’t click the link, I’ll try to summarize.  There’s an Atlanta surgeon and she had a YouTube channel where she sings, dances, and raps while cutting into patients, even having assistants join in.  You can see clips in the CNN story.  The vids have been taken down from her YouTube channel but you can still find some about the Internet.  I can’t be sure, but, to me anyway, it looks like she moved the scalpel to the beat in one video.  Again, I’m no expert so I don’t want to say that for sure.  I could be wrong but…well, I hope I’m wrong.  Scalpels should be moved, you know, according to medical rules and not to a funky beat.

If she’d done this on her own time…maybe out of the hospital, made a fun video where she raps and dances over a fake patient, it would be ok.  A fun self promo.

But…I mean, even if the patients can’t be identified…you just see stomachs and so on…if you go to a doctor to get surgery, you didn’t sign up to have your body parts shown online and how she didn’t realize the world is small and that wouldn’t eventually get back to someone who would complain.

I don’t know.  Social media has brought out our worst instincts.  Sometimes I’m a champion for social media.  It gives a voice to people who were previously voiceless.

But then I just wonder if the old way was better.  Become famous by, you know, actually doing something.  Otherwise, it’s just acting a fool for the camera.

I worry about that with this blog.  I have been thinking about shutting it all down lately.  I have beaten myself up for years for not becoming super rich and famous and successful, as if it were somehow easy and I didn’t pull that off a tree as if fame is low hanging fruit easily within reach.  But maybe I just did my best within the limits I have and the cards I was dealt and maybe my free time would be better spent walking in the park, or working on my health, taking a bike ride, getting a new hobby…

I have no idea.  I like to think my writing is somehow constructive…but I feel like a jackass, waving my hands along the information superhighway.  “Look at me!  Notice me!  Pay attention to me!”

I mean, it’s not as bad as this woman but perhaps this blog is just a form of doing jumping jacks to get noticed.

Stuff like this just leaves me depressed.  This woman is a doctor.  Probably paid well.  Obtained knowledge and a skill few can handle.  Probably could have written and/or made serious content about doctoring and just….no.  I’m sorry.  You shouldn’t go in for surgery and end up with your naked stomach on YouTube.

We need to invent time travel and get young Mark Zuckerberg laid so he never kicks off this social media mess.  Everyone was better off where they said, “Fuck it, I didn’t find fame by 25, so time to get serious about regular life.”

Ugh.  Seriously.  This depresses me.

Tagged , , ,

I Paid Money for This Too…

…so watch it, you nerds.  I have to get my money’s worth:

Tagged , , , ,

Stop Sucking with Vinny Baggadouchio – Why Do I Suck at Weight Loss?


World Renowned Motivational Speaker/Anti-Suck Expert Vinny Baggadouchio

I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and I’m anti-suck ninja using my fists of fury to knock the suck out of big fat suckers the world over.

Do you suck?  You know, you don’t have to suck anymore, especially when you can buy one of my many fine anti-suck books, guaranteed to help you mend your sucky ways:

You Don’t Have To Suck Anymore

You Don’t Have to Go Home and Suck, But You Can’t Suck Here

Bring in Da Noise, Bring Out Da Suck

Who Let the Suck Out?

Coming to Terms with Your Inner Suck

I Cast You Out, Suck!

Everyone Sucks But Me

I Suck, You Suck, He Sucks, We Suck

Beyond the Valley of the Suck

The Anti-Suck Workbook

101 Ways You Suck

How to Stop Sucking in Twelve Easy Steps

3.5 readers, when it comes to food, there’s a big old suck/anti-suck paradox.  In moderation, good food does not suck.  Nope, it doesn’t suck at all.  In fact, it’s really delicious.

Alas, if you eat too much food, it’s easy to get fat and in doing so, suck up your health and suck up your life.  Just look at this letter that a big old sucker sent to me:

Dear Vinny B,

I’m a big fat sucker.  I don’t like to admit it but I am.  It started innocently enough.  An extra helping at dinner.  An extra slice of pizza.  An extra glass of soda.  Pretty soon I was busting out of my pants and buying extra sizes.  Worse, whenever I try to stop, it’s difficult.  My body has become so used to all the fat and sugar that when I try to drop it, I feel like a big fat werewolf that needs to be locked in a cage just to keep me from devouring a pint of ice cream.

I’m so fat that everyone hates me now.  Whenever I walk down the street, people go out of their way to walk up to me and say things like, “I hate you because you’re fat” and “You’re a bad person because you’re fat” and “You’re dreams will never come true because you’re a big dumb fat person.”  And that’s just my family.  You don’t want to hear what strangers say to me.

I try to exercise but I get winded just walking out of my car to the front door of the gym.  I try to eat less but by the end of the day I’m sucking down a bag of barbecue chips like they’re the last bag in the world.

What can I do, Vinny?  This sucks.


A Big Fat Sucker in Milwaukee

Hey Big Fat Sucker.  I’m sorry to hear about your problem.  It sounds like your life really sucks, so let me do my best to help you un-suck it posthaste.

First, let me point this out – fat people are literally the last group where it is acceptable for literally everyone to discriminate against with reckless abandon.

No word of a lie.  Go back and watch movies that are even ten years old and you’ll find jokes about race, jokes about sexual orientation, jokes about gender.  Obviously, I’m not saying those jokes didn’t suck but since then, we a society have begun to suck less at hurting feelings and so those jokes have been purged from the public square.

Meanwhile, on the rare occasion a fat guy is still allowed on TV, it’s never without stereotypes.  Fat people fart a lot.  Fat people hide sandwiches all over the place and they run to the bathroom and pull a hoagie out of the toilet tank and eat it and cry.  (Not gonna lie, I did that once during my darker, suckier days.)

You never see just like, a nice fat person in a movie who, despite his fatness, manages to help people.

Outside of the media, fat people face all sorts of sucky discrimination.  It’s hard for a fatty to get employed.  After all, no one likes a fatty.  Some of that is valid.  I mean, if you’re too fat too run, you can’t expect to be hired as a firefighter or a policeman.  On the other hand, if you’re a competent, intelligent fatty, there’s no reason why you can’t be hired for say, a receptionist job, except that the boss will probably prefer his clients to be greeted by a hot skinny chick than someone who looks like they free base whipped cream before they get out of the bed in the morning.

Fat people get all sorts of sucky comments when they walk around all day.  There’s a social stigma that has worked to prevent people from saying all sorts of hateful, discriminatory comments, yet literally no one ever thinks twice about shouting, “Hey fatty!”  whenever a fatty walks onto a bus.

Sadly, few people trust a fatty.  Old ladies have been known to clutch their grocery bags just a little tighter whenever there’s a fatty around.  I mean, sure, that fat person is fat, but they aren’t going to steal your groceries.  They’re going to go buy their own food and eat it and then be sad.

Often, for a fatty, it’s a vicious cycle.  They eat too much.  They feel bad.  They want to lose weight.  They’ll work real hard on it for a week only to see like two pounds tick off the scale when maybe they have a hundred or more to go.

They can literally feel the world giving them the shaft and life passing them by and so it becomes difficult to not just reach out for the only thing that doesn’t say no, the only thing that never denies them comfort, i.e. – food.

You laugh, but if you’ve had any kind of addiction, you’re doing the same thing.  Alcoholics, smokers and sex addicts are also putting their bodies at risk, it’s just that, you know, you can’t look at a person and realize right away that they’re an alcoholic or a smoker or a sex fiend.  Alas, the fatty’s problem is plain for the world to see.

In short, you can hide an alcohol problem, but if you’re fat, the whole world knows you eat too many donuts.

Big Fat Sucker, there’s probably no advice I can give you that you already don’t know, but I’ll try.

#1 – Forgive yourself.

Hard, but necessary.  You hate yourself for ruining your life with food.  You can see how good life has been for skinny people and you want in.  You’re mad you’ve missed out on it for so long.  Stop beating yourself up…you have to.  The more down you get, the more likely you’ll reach for the fridge.

# 2 – Exercise

Not easy and maybe at first you won’t be able to do much, but a little everyday builds up and eventually you’ll be able to exercise a lot.

#3 – Eat less and better.

A no brainer.  I feel like I’m insulting your intelligence by saying this.

#4 – Recognize You’re an Addict

Recovering alcoholics stay out of bars.  Recovering fatties should stay out of pizza parlors, candy stores, places that could trigger a fatty relapse.

#5 – Stay Away from Negative People

For some reason, people like to get into each others’ business.  If you’re a recovering alcoholic, no one will ever shove a beer at you, but if you’re a recovering fatty, everyone shoves food at you and they act like you’re a dick if you don’t take it.  The average person just sees food as a nice thing.  They don’t understand what it does to you.

Thus, you’ll go to a friend’s party to be polite.  You’ll sit there and try to sip a glass of water and enjoy a light snack but guaranteed, every asshole at the party will shove hot dogs, hamburgers, cookies, cake, Aunt Gertie’s casserole and so on at you and they’ll act like you’re Hitler if you say no.

You’ll never succeed at trying to explain to these folks your point of view.  Just smile politely, take the food, drop it in the trash when they aren’t looking.

#6 – Imagine How Happy You’ll Be

Do you sometimes think that if you had just begun your weight loss journey a year ago, you’d be much happier today?  Don’t worry.  Just start today because next year will be here before you know it.

#7 – Consider Other Options

Bariatric surgery and other weight loss surgeries might be something you’d want to look into.  I can’t really advise you on that.  You’d have to talk to your doctor and really you should consult your doctor on any weight loss plan.  In fact, BQB’s lawyer reminds you that I’m just talking out of my ass here, so you shouldn’t follow anything I say in this column but rather do  your own research.


Being fat sucks and like any addiction, it’s not easily beaten.  However, it can be overcome and all of you Big Fat Suckers can do it.  Just know that your old pal Vinny B believes in you, so drop that pizza, pick up a celery stalk and get on the treadmill.

Most importantly, stop sulking over the years you’ve lost to fatness.  Start looking forward to a life as a skinny, non-fat sucker.  It’s a life that’s just a few good, non-sucky decisions away.

Tagged , , , ,

The Male Biological Clock is Real

Hey 3.5 readers.

My best buddy, “The Alleged Man” or the person everyone thinks is me but isn’t, has been pretty bummed as of late.

See, he’s 38, and since 35 the realization has been a slow trickle, now turning into a busted water faucet of a realization that his window to father children is getting narrower and narrower.

In theory, yes, if you can squeeze out some joy juice out of a one hundred year old man, you might be able to use it to knock up a chick.  However, that 100 year old still needs to get the go ahead from a young, fertile chick…because, you know, otherwise he’d be a centenarian rapist.

NOTE TO SELF:  “Centenarian Rapist” would be an awesome title for my next book.  TAGLINE: He raped his way through the Great Depression and two world wars, now he’s raping his way into the grave.  Begin plans for a 99 Design cover contest posthaste.

Back to the point.  Do things look grim for this stud muffin?  Should he just slap himself for not working harder to impregnate a chick in his early days, then forgive himself an accept his spawn-less existence?

I mean, our own 45th POTUS managed to knock up a hot younger woman at age 60 but, you know, he’s super rich and famous and also the POTUS and also has fantastic hair and I have heard rumors that he is often talked about on the news for some reason.

But do keep in mind AM not rich or famous or the POTUS.  That probably won’t happen until I release “Son of Toilet Gator” and then everyone will be all like “Oh AM you’re so super awesome, please impregnate all the women, yay.”

Yeah, yeah, forget pity and condolences about “Hey, Alleged Man, maybe you can adopt or maybe you’ll meet a babe with kids of her own and the Dad has skipped town.”

The Alleged Man is wondering about his chances of actually getting his swimmers past the fallopian goal line.

Sadly, the “Sell a Billion Copies of Toilet Gator and impregnate a gold digging supermodel” looks like it is still years away from coming to fruition.

Plus, AM recently read something about how the older you get, the worse your sperm gets.  AM is now highly concerned that a microscopic slide of his jism would bear a striking resemblance to a bunch of tiny tadpoles slapping each other around like the Three Stooges.  Nyuk nyuk.


Tagged , , , ,

BQB’s Glasses Dilemma

Hey 3.5.

Your old pal BQB here.

So, I hate when bloggers talk about their personal problems on their blogs.  The readers came from entertainment and insightful conversation and…

3.5 READERS: We come for not of that BQB.  We have literally gotten none of that here.

Oh ok then.

So here’s the deal, and I figure since you are all nerds, you too have had problems with glasses:

  • About midway through last year, maybe 6 months ago, I started noticing that when I sit a certain distance away from a computer monitor, I had trouble seeing it.  It didn’t look in focus.  Now, to explain, well I don’t want to say my life story, but once a week I find myself at one desk in particular.  It’s kind of large.  The computer is positioned kind of far away, yet not so far away that it should be a problem.  It worried me but I never experienced the problem anywhere else so I didn’t worry about it and when I’m at that particular desk (I’m only at this desk once a week so it didn’t seem like a big deal) I just scooch myself closer.  Still, when I’m on a desktop, I’ve always prefer to lean back in my chair like a fat, bloated lounge lizard and I used to be able to do that with no problem but now I have to sit up and lean in to see the screen.
  • I’ve been going to the same optometrist since childhood, literally the same man who gave me my first set of glasses as a little boy nerd.  So, since I’m no spring chicken myself, you can imagine this guy is an old timer.
  • I always stuck with the guy because I never really cared for places like Pearl Vision or Lens Crafters or shit like that because I never really liked the idea of turning health issues into a franchise.  I’ll go to a franchise for pizza, chicken and burgers, but I wouldn’t go to a franchise for assistance with any of my body parts so why go to one for my eyes?
  • Well anyway, long story short, one of those franchises opened in town and I’m not sure what happened but my long serving optometrist closed his office and went to work for those corporate franchise bastards.  I don’t want to cast aspersions.  He seemed happy enough.
  • So, I tend to let eye appointments go a long time.  I know you should go once a year but if I’m not having any problems I tend to let it go a long time.  Last time I went in was 2013 and the old timer still had his office.  So, give or take some months, its been three and some change years.
  • I also don’t like going because I don’t like the idea that my prescription might change.  Since childhood, it has always amazed, and frightened me, that there are all sorts of precision tests (X-rays, lab work, procedures) to help a doctor determine what is wrong with certain parts of your body, yet all of optometry revolves around the optometrist putting a damn metal mask that contains like a zillion lenses inside and then he starts flipping them and going, “1 or 2, 1 or 2, 1 or 2…” Shit, I don’t know!
  • Literally, most of the time I can’t tell a difference between “1 or 2.”  So I hate to go to appointments because I fear he’ll up my prescription to the point where he’ll have me wearing a pair of goddamn hubble telescope fucking Mr. Magoo like glasses on my face.  My glasses are pretty thin and I’d like to keep it that way.  I’m sorry, but it’s hard enough to get chicks with thin glasses and its virtually impossible to get it with coke bottle glasses.
  • So, it having been a long time and it worrying me about my screen issue, I finally bit the bullet and followed the old timer to his new home in the evil franchise.
  • He does the “1 or 2” bullshit with me.  I don’t blame him.  I’m sure at optometry school there is a giant room with a thousand aspiring eye doctors who sit in front of a thousand mannequins with their faces stuffed into eye glass machines and they spend all day peppering the mannequins with, “1 or 2, 1 or 2…”
  • If I can’t tell a legit difference or even if its close, I always say, “same.”  Again, I don’t want to go up if I don’t have to.  If there’s like a real, “Holy shit that’s so much better” moment then OK, I won’t deny myself the comfort but I’ve never had it.  It’s just always “1 or 2” and they both look close so I just go with same.
  • This time I let the dude kind of bully me.  On one try, he kept going 1 or 2 and I kept saying same and then eventually he was like, “Come on you must be able to see a difference” so I caved and picked one and shit, he upped one lense just a bit.  The other stayed the same.
  • I didn’t contest it.  I’d had the problem with the screen so I figured maybe I was having a problem.  Maybe an adjustment would help.
  • OK here’s where it gets interesting.  I let his eyeglass saleswoman talk me into getting anti-glare coating on my glasses.  I usually never let sales people talk me into add ons.  When I buy a car, I tell the salesman trying to sell me undercarriage wax to go pound sand.  When I buy a video game, I tell the cashier trying to sell me scratch protection for the game disk to shove it where the sun don’t shine.  But here, I thought I was in a medical establishment.  Anti-glare?  Yes.  Shield my eyes from UV rays.  A small price to pay for eye protection.
  • I’ve had these new specs close to 2 weeks.  For the first week, I didn’t notice a problem.  Then starting Monday, I noticed I’m having the problem of not being able to see computer screens clearly…on every screen.  Lap top.  All other desk tops, not just the one I had the problem with once a week.
  • I wondered if it was the anti-glare coating.  Computer screens give off light, maybe that doesn’t sit well with the anti glare.  But then I put on my old glasses and I didn’t notice a difference.  I still had a problem staring at screens.  Yes, I also have a problem staring at my cell phone.
  • So I don’t know what to do.  Let’s review:

A)  I should go in and since I’ve got a month to change the glasses with no extra charge, tell them the anti-glare coat smokes pole and that I’d like a new pair without the glare.  I have talked to a few nerds who have gone to the same store and they too tell me they hated the anti glare.

B)  But if I experienced the problem with the old glasses, this is likely a sign of some bigger problem with my eyes that the anti glare removal may not fix.  Perhaps I should see the doctor and ask him to test me again.  I did mention the screen issue when I saw him and he said ok and proceeded to test me and that’s all that came of it at the time.

C) If I ask him to test me again, I’m not sure what he’d find since it has only been two weeks.  I’ll feel like an asshole explaining this to him.  I’ll go through the same test.  Most likely it will have the same result.  I’ll go through a bunch of shit and get rid of the anti glare glasses for regular glasses and I’ll still have screen problems.

D)  There’s literally a part of me that wants to lie and go in with a story about a hobo who punched me in the face on a subway and my eyes haven’t felt right since just so I have a better story as to why I want him to look at my eyes again after seeing him 2 weeks ago.

E)  On top of that, I have been

Advise me, 3.5 readers.  What should I do?

Tagged ,

Top Ten Reasons Why Your Breath Stinks


Ahh, the face hole – the best and the worst of human body cavities.  It lets us talk and eat, but at times, it can also smell like a butt, aka the worst of body cavities.

Does your breath stink?  I’m not a dentist but I play one on this blog.  From BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Reasons Why Your Breath Stinks:

#10 – Throat Gremlins

Sad, but true, tiny creatures have been known to set up shop in a human throat and party hearty.  Soon, they start to stink and that stink comes out of your pie hole.  Ten out of ten scientists who attended science school in Barbados will agree with me on this.

#9 – Demonic Possession

It happens.  You’re taking a nap, minding you business and without realizing it, a damn demon has set up shop in your body.  It makes you scream, swear, belch, fart, projectile vomit on everyone, it’s a whole mess.  Even worse, they make your breath stink.  Consult your local Catholic priest for assistance.

#8 – A Small Animal Crawled Into Your Mouth and Died

People often say, “Yeesh!  What crawled into your mouth and died?” to a person with stank breath.  Little do these people know that this often happens.  Mice, rats, bats, porcupines, armadillos, frogs, lizards.  It doesn’t even have to me a small animal.  I knew a dude who once fell asleep and a damn emu crawled into his mouth and bought the farm.  Always post signs around your sleeping area to notify animals on their last legs to go find another mouth to crawl into and die in because yours is off limits.

#7 – Oniony, Garlicky Foods

Truly, a Sophie’s choice.  Do I want to eat something delicious or do I want to avoid stink breath?  Eh, just be honest.  If you look like a butt, then you might as well eat something delicious and smell like a butt.  Having minty fresh breath won’t make you look less like a butt.

#6 – Butt Pranks

If you’re a member of a frat, chances are one of your frat brothers has placed a butt on your face while you are sleeping.  Remember, always lock your door and wear a catcher’s mask while sleeping to avoid butt pranks.  We here at the Bookshelf Battle Blog do not condone butt pranks or any other type of inappropriate butt related behavior of a butt like nature.

#5 – You Licked the Toilet Seat Again, Didn’t You?

How many times must I tell you to stop doing that?  Bad reader.  Bad, bad!  Get some help.

#4 – You Don’t Brush

There’s no magic cure for weight loss or to fix a variety of health problems, but sticking that brush in your face hole and wiggling it around for a while a few times a day can do wonders for your tooth health.  Take advantage of one of the few things that people can do to improve there lives that actually works.

#3 – You Don’t Floss

Your job isn’t done after brushing.  Brushing doesn’t get all the shit left between your teeth.  One time I didn’t floss my teeth for an entire year and learned that in the interim, the mob had started using the spaces between my choppers as a dumping ground for whacked snitches.  When I finally began flossing again, each time I’d stick the floss between my teeth and boom!  Hey, it’s Vinny Boombotz!  :::Floss::: Hey! It’s Mickey the Squirrel!  :::Floss:::  Oh my God, it’s Sal the Tuna!

#2 – You Don’t Use Mouth Wash

Brush, floss, then finish up the trifecta.  Get mouthwash.  The stronger the better.  I prefer Listerine.  Don’t just do one swish and spit it out.  Let it sit there in your mouth as you imagine the mouthwash molecules all look like a young Robert Duvall in Apocalypse Now.  Picture each molecule as a helicopter pilot coming in to drop minty fresh napalm on all of the germs in your suck hole.  “Oh, how I love the smell of minty fresh napalm in the morning.”

Um…if one of my 3.5 readers is Vietnamese I apologize for that metaphor.  I didn’t even write it.  It was the Yeti.

#1 – You Never See the Dentist

I know.  No one enjoys going to see the dentist.  But these fine tooth doctors can clean up your choppers, shine them up good and help you combat any suck hole related problems you may be suffering from.  Stop avoiding your dentist.  Your suck hole will thank you, as will the people who have to breathe the air in the vicinity of your suck hole.

Tagged , , , ,

Top Ten Reasons Why Your Butt Hurts


Hello 3.5 readers.

Many of you may be unaware of this, but in my spare time, I dabble in the fine arts of proctology and have even been named an Amateur Proctologist by a noted correspondence school.

Does your butt hurt?  If it does, you’ve got to get on that.  A hurt butt left to chance is a disaster, not only for you but for anyone unlucky enough to be standing within your blast radius when it goes off.

Note that I’m talking about “hurt butts” and not “butt hurt.”  Butt hurt is when you experience emotional pain so deep that you end up feeling it in your butt.

I’m talking about actual hurting butts.  From BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, here are the top ten reasons why your butt might be hurting:

#10 – Alien Probes

Alien Jones informs me that this experimental method of human butt research has been banned, but there are aliens who have been known to go rogue all over human butts.  If your butt hurts, it may be because aliens snuck into your room and inserted all kinds of devices filled with bells, lights and whistles.

If you think it is possible that you have been probed by aliens, I would suggest that you set up surveillance cameras.  If, in the morning, your butt hurts, check the footage to see if any aliens were in your room.  Note that some aliens have Predator style cloaking devices, so you will have to look at the footage closely for the tell tale shimmer.

#9 – Wrong Toilet Paper

Take a look at your supermarket’s butt wipe aisle and you’ll find a smorgasbord of toilet paper.  Butts are like Goldilocks – sometimes they’ll find a paper to be too soft or too hard.  Your butt needs to keep looking until it finds the paper that is just right.  If you are using coarse sandpaper on your butt, you’re doing it wrong.

#8 – Parasites 

I told you not to drink that rain puddle water and/or to not make out with your dog but you just didn’t listen, did you?  Report to your doctor for immediate tapeworm removal.  Don’t look at me.  I’m just an amateur.

#7 – Getting Your Butt Kicked

Did you hit on someone else’s girlfriend?  Did you stick your nose some place where it didn’t belong?  Did you insult someone?  Then problem solved.  That giant shoe that connected with your butt is the reason why your butt hurts.  Put some ice on your butt and learn some manners.

#6 – Wiping Revisited

You might be doing it wrong.  Maybe you have the right toilet paper but the wrong technique.  Your butt is very sensitive so you must gently caress your butt as if you are touching it with the wings of an angel.  Don’t just stick a wad of toilet paper up your butt and go all jackhammer style.  That’s a good way to end up with a bad case of roids.

 #5 – Lightning Infused Toaster Pastry Toilet Death

Totally happened to me.  If you shoot a lightning bolt out of your butt, you will destroy your toilet, your life, and your butt.  Beware breakfast foods that have absorbed lightning, hurricanes, tornadoes or other catastrophic weather events.

#4 – Olympic Flatulence Competitions

Pictured above is East Randomtown Mayor Harvey Smotchenbocker.  Though he is a world class athlete who is able to shoot fire out of his butt, he has undergone years of training, thus allowing him to flex his butt muscles so as to shoot fire out of his butt without causing himself any damage.  I advise you to leave such flatulence theatrics to the professionals and to not try this at home.

#3 – Ingrown Butt Hairs

It happens.  Sometimes a butt hair grows rogue and causes all kinds of damage.  My best advice is to find a trustworthy friend who is willing to do you a solid and keep your butt hair trimmed.

#2 – Brazilian Wax 

Ah, the Brazilians.  They have given us so much.  Restaurants where they serve meat on swords AND super clean nether region waxing.  It’ll hurt today, but your butt will be totally smooth tomorrow…or the next day…or the day after that…whenever the swelling goes down.

#1 – Botched Colonoscopies

You don’t get to eat for a day before, you’ve got to take all kinds of laxatives or do whatever your doctor instructs you.  Then a giant camera attached to what can only be described as a leather octopus tentacle is shoved up your butt.  Done just right, it won’t hurt at all.  However, if your butt doctor just jams it up there and wiggles it around like he’s beating a bowl full of cake batter, then it will probably hurt.  Luckily, butt doctors go to school to practice their butt inspection techniques to avoid this problem.


I’m just an amateur so don’t take my advice.  If your butt hurts, seek the wise counsel of a professional butt doctor.  Women, you never know what’s going in your butts and the men staring at them can only tell you what’s going on outside of your pants.  Men, you’ve got those prostrates so get them checked before the Big C sets up shop.

A good butt doctor can save your life and keep you being one of my 3.5 readers for many years to come.

Tagged , , , , , ,

Daily Discussion with BQB – I Hate Being Sick

I’m sick, 3.5 readers.  I know, all 3.5 of you admire and look up to me so much that it is difficult to comprehend me as a human being with human problems, but there you go.  It happens.

The weird part is that I would do anything for a glass of cold 7-Up right now.  Whenever I am sick, that’s what I desire the most.  I usually wait awhile until the coast is clear and it looks like I can drink some without shooting it out of my top and bottom like that little girl in the Exorcist.

However, I don’t have any, so when I feel better, I’ll have to haul my butt out to get some.  This reminds me of something I’ve always said during past bouts with the flu, namely, that I would create a stockpile of 7-Up in BQB HQ and have it at the ready in the event I get sick.

Easier said than done though because, come on, 7-Up is delicious and I would just drink up my theoretical stockpile even when I’m feeling good.

Maybe if I keep a bottle under glass and smash the glass only when I’m sick but really, who wants to clean up smashed glass?  Not me.  I’m sick.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

Tagged , , , ,