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Movie Review – The Founder (2016)
Burgers and treachery!
BQB here with a review of “The Founder.”
I hate Ray Kroc. That dude’s fast food chain has put absurd amounts of fat on my ass. Now I hate him even more as I learn he stole the whole shebang out from under the McDonald brothers.
Whoops. Spoiler. Oh well. Sorry. Learn your fast food history, people.
Michael Keaton, himself experiencing a renaissance in his acting career as of late, is a down on his luck, struggling milkshake machine salesman – a failure laughed at by everyone.
He can’t sell a single machine until he gets a strange order. A little hamburger stand in California named McDonald’s wants six of them. Curious about what kind of restaurant could use that many machines, Kroc seeks it out and is amazed.
The McDonald Brothers (Nick Offerman and John Carroll Lynch as Dick and Mack) have brought the Henry Ford assembly line concept to hamburger production. Dick especially has mapped it all out, distilled it all down to a science, getting everything just so, leaving the food quickly produced, tasting good, and getting customers on their way in no time.
It was a revolutionary concept. Drive-ins had been struggling with customers sitting in their cars, waiting for food and eating it there. This idea let customers take their food and leave. In other words, here’s your food now go. We’re done. No more waiting on you. The concept had never been tried before.
Kroc falls in love with the restaurant and offers to oversee franchising. The McDonalds have concerns, namely, that franchises will water down the quality of their brand. No one will put as much love and care into their business as they will.
Blah, blah, blah…Kroc seals the deal and he’s off to the races. It’s an epic tale of how a 52-year old man who was once a joke becomes a multi-billionaire, going from washed up hack to big time baller. At times the transition is hard to watch. Ray loses his down home folksy charisma and becomes a ruthless businessman. I won’t spoil what happens to the McDonalds but suffice it to say, it isn’t pretty.
Offerman and Lynch play sympathetic local businessmen who lived the American dream only to have it yanked out from under them. Offerman is exceptionally great in his monotone “Parks and Recreation” glory, explaining all the science he put into pushing his burgers out in rapid time without losing quality. Understandably, he goes ballistic as soon as Ray starts sacrificing quality.
Meanwhile, Lynch suffers health problems that are made worse by Ray’s double-cross.
Overall, the film is partly a comeback success story as we initially root for Ray as he goes from zero to hero, from the guy everyone laughed at to a big time mogul. Then the film takes a turn where we want to slap Ray around, especially as he kicks loyal wife Ethel (Laura Dern) to the curb for a younger model and of course, as he gives the McDonald Bros a vigorous screwing over.
The closest comparison I can draw is it is like Kroc is Walter White but with hamburgers instead of meth. At 52, his age has left him with a “don’t give a fuck” attitude. This is his shot at success. He’s done being Mr. Nice Guy. He’s ready for the big time and no longer cares about stepping over people to get what he wants.
A particularly heartwarming sequence comes when Kroc initially pitches the franchise idea to men who are already rich. These well to do types run lousy restaurants. They’ve earned their money so they don’t care. Kroc learns from this and begins seeking investors not on wealthy golf courses but instead, in fraternity lodges, churches, bingo games and the like, recruiting owner/operators who pay attention to every last detail because it is their savings and nancial future on the line.
Ultimately, it’s a story of the American Dream, combined with a warning of being careful who you trust and a study of how far should one be willing to go to achieve success.
STATUS: Shelf-worthy. Deserved more Oscar praise. Also, the McDonald brothers were right. Kroc ruined the quality of their food but I guess I’m the one who should be ashamed of myself because I stuff that shit in my suckhole anyway. Thanks for giving me a fat ass, Ray Kroc.
I Like Cats
I felt you all should know.
The Emoji Movie
I refuse to dignify it with a review. You suck, Hollywood. Be ashamed of yourselves. Very ashamed.
BQB’s Classic Movie Reviews – Ali G Indahouse (2002)
Hey 3.5 readers. BQB here.
An oldie but a goodie. Kind of a cult classic.
Before he found American fame as Borat, Sasha Baron Cohen was Ali G. You know how sometimes white kids in the US pretend to be black in the hopes of looking cool? Apparently that happens in England too, except the white kids pretend to be Jamaican.
At any rate, the guy who plays Tywin Lannister on Game of Thrones plays the Deputy Prime Minister. In a conspiracy to undermine the prime minister, he recruits total buffoon/white kid trying to be Jamaican Ali G run for parliament in the hopes he will embarrass the prime minister out of office, leaving him to take over.
As expected, Ali G douches his way to the top, teaches us all kinds of hilarious British swears (minga and batty the top two I remember) and despite his total incompetence, manages to save the day, as well as his favorite leisure center in the epically ghetto neighborhood of Staines.
Main thing that makes me sad is how time fast as gone. That dude that plays the Hobbit plays Ali’s best friend and he looks so young.
Anyway, check it out.
Daily Discussion with BQB – Why James Bond Should Never Be Female
“It’s time for a female Bond,” according to Chris Hemsworth.
Sure, Thor. As soon as you step aside from your cash cow and let give your hammer to a lady, we’ll talk. Go lick a kangaroo butt, dummy.
I’m sorry, 3.5 readers but I feel strongly about this. There should never be a female James Bond.
Why?
#1 – It’s So Easy for Women to Get the D that a Jane Bond Movie Would Be Over in Five Minutes
Ladies, be honest. It’s not that hard for you to catch a D. I mean, we can talk about the quality of the D’s all day but ultimately, even the ugliest, grossest, most snaggletoothed beast of a woman can go out this morning and catch five Ds before sundown, and that’s a conservative estimate.
Don’t believe me? Start walking up to random men and ask them for the D. Yes, some of the wiser members of our manly organization will utilize a brain cell or two. They’ll assume this is too good to be true, that it is some sort of trap, that maybe a random woman asking for D has an unsavory venereal disease…hell, there might even be some good guys who think sex with a stranger is wrong or that they don’t want to cheat on a wife or girlfriend.
Aside from those chumps, many men will be all like, “Sure, I got the D right here.” And it literally will not matter if you are hot…or if you look like refried poop in the form of Rosie O’Donnell. There will be men who will be willing to give you the D.
(FYI this is just a rhetorical argument. You know it’s right. Please don’t actually go out and ask men for D. If you do, you assume the risk and we here at the Bookshelf Battle Blog will not be held responsible. Don’t do it.)
Meanwhile, men, do you know what will happen if you go around asking random women for V? Tazing. Lots of tazing. Your balls will light up like Christmas ornaments. Oh and also lots of arrests. You’ll probably ask one woman and then spend the next 48 hours in lockup awaiting your bail hearing. (So, yeah, don’t actually do it, this is just rhetoric and we won’t be held responsible if you do because…don’t do it, dummy.)
Literally, only a select few of lucky men are able to walk up to any woman they want and snag the V without putting any work into it. James Bond is one of those men. In fact, his ability to score any poon in the world is his superpower. Superman can leap tall buildings in a single bound, Wonder Woman has the lasso of truth and James Bond can convince any woman at all to give up the V.
This works to his advantage. Every Bond film circles around Bond seducing the villain’s woman into giving up information on how to defeat the villain. Only a man as suave, sophisticated, handsome and wealthy as Bond can fool a woman to give up the V…as well as the villain.
Do you know who can convince a man to give up information? Literally any woman. Your ugly stepsister, the fat lady at the DMV, your Aunt Doris, the cashier at Price Town with the hairy puss on her lip, literally any of these women could convince a Russian agent to give up the nuke codes because men will do anything for free pussy, and the pussy doesn’t even have to be high quality.
So, if it is high quality, say a hot actress playing Jane Bond, yeah, that movie is over in 5 minutes. The hour long scene where James convinces the villain babe to give up the goods on the bad guy is replaced with a henchmen blasting his pants and handing over the codes to Jane before he cries himself to sleep over what a loser he is.
#2 – James Bond is the Ultimate Male Fantasy
He really is. It isn’t easy being a man. You have to work hard, pay the bills, help with the kids, take care of the house, do all the heavy lifting…if you’re lucky, your wife might tickle your pickle for five minutes a month if you beg her in a pathetic manner.
We live vicariously through Bond. When Bond bangs any chick he wants with little effort, just because he’s awesome, and you know, the super hot woman usually feels really enriched from the banging and bangs him even though it means her betrayal means the villain will cause her to meet her certain doom…it’s like we get to live through Bond’s penis.
Seriously. We can’t get our women to make us a sandwich without being read the collected works of Gloria Steinem. Bond can convince women to die for his penis. Please, please, please don’t take our Bond away. Once every four years we get to experience via cinema what it is like to be a real man. Don’t take that away from us. It’s cruel.
#3 – You’re Basically Saying Women Aren’t Good Until They Become Men
The Bond concept is unique but can be copied to an extent. There’s no reason another film couldn’t be made in which a female British intelligence agent seduces men with her vagina of doom.
However, by turning Bond into a woman, you’re saying women are no good unless they become men. Bond must die and a woman must take his place. I don’t agree. There’s a good story about a female British spy out there. It doesn’t require ruining Bond.
#4 – Would the Bond formula work with a black Bond?
As long as he’s a handsome black man, yes. Idris Elba is rich and British. Idris Elba is handsome. I would trade places with Idris Elba in a second. He probably gets more poon in a day then my 3.5 readers and I could get in a thousand lifetimes. The fantasy works. I can yearn to be Daniel Craig, pulling in all that sweet, mysterious international tale just as easily as I can yearn to be Idris Elba banging all that dangerous, alluring booty.
However, it doesn’t work with a woman.
You think it does? I mean, even James Bond has to work at it a little. You know what Jane Bond has to do?
JANE BOND: Hello. I will give you vagina if you give me the codes.
MAN: OK here are the codes.
That’s it. I mean, even Bond usually has to like, pretend to be a mysterious businessman and win a round of poker and maybe kill a guy or something before he gets the right introduction to meet the woman he will seduce.
Jane Bond just needs to flash the titties.
#5 – But Women Like Bond and Want to Be Included!
Yes, you poor, poor cuckold of a man. Your wife told you she likes Bond movies and you took that to mean if the next Bond is a lady that would make her feel special.
Idiot. While you are fantasizing about being Bond, she is fantasizing about being drilled by Bond. Your wife will make you do ten hours of chores before you even think about grabbing her by the pussy ala our esteemed POTUS. Meanwhile, your wife would totally give up the launch codes (and her goodies) to Bond.
Thus, stupid, stupid man, if you pull a Hemsworth and try to be some kind of menstruating male feminist, she’ll hate you for ruining her getting nailed by Bond fantasies.
Conclusion
Stop. Just stop. The average man is lucky if he can get a woman to begrudgingly touch his sad little phallus once a month without a big long speech about how much his wife gave up to marry him.
Do not take away the one fantasy we get every four years where we can pretend to be a man who can save the world by getting hot ass spy bitches to go to town on his top secret spy junk.
I Don’t Know What to Blog About
I am uber bummed and have no idea what to say, 3.5 home slices.
Daily Discussion with BQB – Is Comedy Dying?
I caught a bit of “Airplane” (1980) this morning. Such a funny movie. Humor for the sake of humor. Non-stop silly gags. Things that obviously wouldn’t happen in real life but are there to make you laugh. That’s the whole.
Also, a lot of politically incorrect stuff..
I worry about the fate of comedy. I feel like everywhere I go, people aren’t laughing anymore. They are afraid of offending someone and yet there’s the rub. Every person, every group, every occupation, every individual, every type – there’s humor to be mined out of everyone and everything.
True comedy lovers may get mad when a comedian makes a joke that makes fun of who they are – their particular group, type, etc. But true comedy lovers will also let that go in order to laugh at the other jokes, jokes that don’t hit as close to home because they make fun of other individuals, groups they aren’t a part of.
America is the melting pot. We are all simmering in the same stew. Can we find some humor while we’re in there? I think it all comes down to motive. Is your joke meant to make people laugh and have a good time, or is it meant to belittle and make people unhappy?
I see it in what passes for comedy movies these day. Safe, moderately silly premises that don’t probe, don’t challenge, don’t do anything.
What say you, 3.5 readers?
I’m Phoning It In…
Yeah, 3.5. Lots on my mind lately, so I’ve been neglecting this fine blog. Do you have anything interesting to say?
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