Category Archives: Writing Prompts

Last Chance to Get a FREE Copy of My Book

Hey 3.5 readers.

Your old pal, BQB here.

Today’s the last day of my free book promo.  That’s right.  All through the end of today, Sunday, you can still make up for your procrastination and get a copy of my free book of badass writing prompts.

Stop putting it off.  If you wait tomorrow, you’ll have to pay 99 cents and you need to save that money because the world is a crazy place and you should be saving as much as possible.

Seriously, you never know, buying my book for 99 cents tomorrow might be the transaction that throws your finances into a cataclysmic state, leaving you broke, penniless, homeless on the street, selling your body for candy and bubblegum.

So, don’t delay.  Download my book for FREE today.

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Take BQB’s Writing Challenge!

Hey 3.5 readers.

Your old pal, BQB, here.

In case you didn’t hear, my book, “Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Big Book of Badass Writing Prompts” is free this week.  Totally free.  That means you can go on over to Amazon right now and download it for free, no strings attached, the worst that happens is you end up with a book on your kindle that you won’t read, though if you don’t read it, you’d be missing out because the critics in my head are saying it’s the best book since the New Testament.

Please Lord, don’t strike me down.  I know you have a sense of humor.  Look at my life, after all.

This book features many of my most humorous writing ideas.  Why, with this book, you’ll be able to write about:

  • A reality TV star who punches sharks in the face!
  • A fart that defies the boundaries of time, space and science!
  • A pumpernickel that scares a couple on a date out of their minds!
  • Ninja bunnies!
  • Zombie bed and breakfast owners!
  • An outer space world where no one has a butt!
  • And so much more!

So, tell you what, 3.5 readers.  Get this book for free, browse through it, pick a scenario and write a blog post based on one of the prompts.  Tweet a link to me @bookshelfbattle and if I like it, I’ll share it with the 7 eyes of my 3.5 readers.  What a marketing breakthrough for you, to have a blog post you wrote shared with the likes of my 3.5 readers.

So, don’t delay, get my book of writing prompts today!

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BQB’s Big Book of Badass Writing Prompts is Free!

Hey 3.5 readers.

Hop on Amazon and get a copy of my free book.  It’s FREE until Sunday.  So, you know, because it’s FREE you can just pick it up and not have to pay any money because as I mentioned, it’s totes free.

Ninja bunnies.  Zombies.  Fart philosophy.  Lots of awesome stuff packed into this fine book, which is really, really, really free.

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My Book is Only 99 Cents!!!

Hey 3.5 readers. BQB here.  I haven’t done this in awhile, but if you haven’t yet, please pick up a copy of my illustrious book, “Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Big Book of Badass Writing Prompts.”  As you can imagine, it’s by yours truly, Bookshelf Q. Battler.

It’s available for 99 cents, which means out of a dollar, you get to keep a penny.  That beats a strip club.  You put a dollar in a stripper’s G-string and she’s keeping it.  She’s not going to spit out a penny out of God knows where.

You shouldn’t be going to such houses of ill repute anyway, perverts.

Look, it really is the most fun you can have for a dollar (and still get to keep a penny).  If you can think of a better time for 99 cents then tell me about it in the comments and I’ll stand corrected.

 

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Why 1 Million People Need to Each Pay Me 1 Dollar for My Fabulous Book

Hey 3.5 readers.  BQB here.

Take a knee, will you?

You know, 3.5, I’ve known all of you for a long time now and none of you have given me any indication that you’re bad people.  If anything, you’re good, God fearing people, folks who probably give to the needy, donating your time and money to help the poor.

Perhaps you even donate to charitable organizations that seek to cure diseases, help the homeless, or educate young folk.

Look, I don’t know how to break it to you, but y’all are 3.5 chumps.

Charity is a racket and you know what you get for donating to charity?  Jack Squat.  Seriously.  For as long as you’ve been alive, have you ever donated to a cause only to later learn that the problem that donation was intended to help alleviate was solved?

Cure cancer?  Please.  Cancer will be around forever.  Your Uncle Fred, your Cousin Larry and even your cat Mr. Snickerdoodle will all get it.  AIDS?  That’s sticking around too.  Hell, Mr. Snickerdoodle already has the cat version.

You want to donate to help the homeless?  Fine, but there will just be a new crop of homeless people next week.  Since the dawn of time, there have been people with money and people who beg for money.  Even in Ancient Roman times, there were plenty of rich Romans and then there were always a few panhandling Romans, looking for some spare coins from the wealthy Romans.  That’s never going to change.

Sure, just keep tossing your money down that charity hole.  People will still be sick, poor, ugly, fat, bald, gross, unemployed, rabies infested, trudging around aimlessly with gangrenous genitalia.

Don’t even get me started on saving the whales.  The whales are fucked and really, who cares?  What did a whale ever do for you?

Do you want to keep throwing your money away on charities that will never, ever solve the problems they claim to be working on?  Sure, you can if you want to, but why not actually, for once in your life, donate to a cause that will actually yield a result.

3.5 readers, it’s all very simple:

My book is priced at 99 cents.  That’s right.  If 1 million people would be willing to donate 1 dollar by buying my book, then I, BQB, will be able to get laid by women who are way, way, way, ridiculously way out of my league.

Look, 3.5, I don’t want to tell you how to spend your money.  If it gives you the warm and fuzzies to spend your dough sponsoring third world kids even though, if we’re being honest, all of those kids have been shipped off to a sweat shop to build your next smart phone…or you can help a pathetic nerd have sex with hot chicks.

3.5 READERS: But, BQB.  Helping you have sex with hot women is not a worthy cause.

No, but unlike all the problems you’re throwing money at with nary a result,  it’s a problem that can be saved with money.  Your money can yield actual, honest to God results when it comes to my sex life.

If 1 million of you buy my book for 1 dollar, then:

  • I’ll be a millionaire.
  • I’ll be able to self-publish all my other books in style.
  • I’ll buy fancy clothes.
  • I’ll buy a swingin’ bachelor pad in Malibu.
  • I’ll be able to hob knob with hot, morally challenged women who are willing to touch my sad, pathetic micro-phallus because a) remember, I’d be a millionaire and so I’d be able to throw impressive parties to invite hot women too, buy hot women gifts and take them to Paris and shit.

3.5 READERS: But BQB, good women will not be concerned with your money but your personality.

True, and if you’ve been paying attention to this blog, my personality sucks and besides who said anything about good women?  I’m looking for hot women with super loose morals, preferably ones who prefer to go at it in a best two out of three topless jello wrestling competition for my amusement.

Hell, 3.5 readers.  I’ll tell you what.  If you guys turn me into a millionaire, then I’ll gladly post the evidence of how your donation worked to achieve something – namely, the vast improvement of my life.  Sure, it will be creepy to see photos of a man who is best described as “Fat Nosferatu” be surrounded by super hot chicks but hey, that’s life.

Bottomline:  I know money is tight.  I know you have many options to choose from when it comes to donating.  And of course, I’m not seeking a donation.  I’m asking you to buy a book.  If you buy it, you’ll laugh, because it’s funny.

At any rate, if 1 million of you get together, each put in a single buck, then you will achieve an actual result, namely, you will turn me into a man that is popular with super hot gold digging bimbos.

Is that a good result?   A bad result?  All I know is that it’s a result, and that’s more than I can say than any of the other places you’re throwing money at.  You can’t solve all the world’s problems, but you can help a nerd get laid.

Throw your buck in, 999,999 of your buddies to do the same, and this blog will become a recollection of my exploits as a millionaire/stud for ridiculously hot chicks who would never be with an uggo for me, but for the money that you gave me by buying my book.

Or just keep donating to save the homeless, the whales, to cure diseases, and then in 20 years, I’ll accept your apology when you tell me, “You were right, BQB!  Homeless, diseased whales are still running amuck.  If only I had given that money to you to get you laid!”

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My Book is Still Free

Hey 3.5 readers.

My book is still free.  You can’t do better than free.  Help me out with a download or better  yet, a review:

 

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My Book is FREE All this Week!

You know, 3.5 readers.  I don’t mean to lay a guilt trip on you…it’s just that, I write all these wonderful posts that keep you entertained and I wrote a big book of badass writing prompts and made it available for a dollar.

But you didn’t have a dollar.  It’s ok.  I understand.  That one dollar is much too important to part with.  You could get laid off tomorrow and that one dollar might be the only thing keeping you from starvation, allowing you to buy a can of gas station spray cheese that you could live on for a week or two.

I get it.  Times are tough.  But now, you’re in luck.  MY BOOK IS FREE ALL THIS WEEK!  NOW TILL SATURDAY!

Will you please do your old pal BQB a favor and mosey on over to amazon and download a copy for free?  It’s all free.  No money down.  Your info will not be transferred to the representative of a Nigerian prince.

Come on, make with the clicky, clicky:

 

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My Book is Cheap!

Hey 3.5 cheapskates.

BQB here.  You might remember a month or so ago, I put my “Big Book of Badass Writing Prompts” up to $2.99.

The theory was that perhaps a higher price would attract the eye.  Weird, but sometimes people see a higher price and think, “Well, that sounds awesome!  Give me that!”

At any rate, the experiment failed, so back down to 99 cents I go.  It’s available on the cheap now, if you’re interested.

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A Rap About the 12 Cents I Made Off My Book in January

Hey 3.5 readers.

I made a whole 12 cents off this fine book in January:

I was so excited about the 12 cents I wrote this rap:

BQB: Yo.  Sometimes a man dreams for so long,

That it he don’t know where his spirit went.

But then his whole world changes.

He wakes up to find he’s got an extra 12 cents.

CHORUS: 12 cents!

Two nickels or a dime!

Isn’t it so fine?

BQB: Oh, 12 cents!  Let me hear you all over the world, tell me you want my 12 cents!

CHORUS: 12 cents!

BQB:  2 pennies too!  Or a dime and two pennies, what you gonna do?

The light goes off inside my head socket.

All these jingly coins, deep inside my pocket.

CHORUS: Here come the hoes!

BQB:  Oh lord, the hoes!  No one wanted BQB when he didn’t have a 12th of a dolla.

Now the bitches line up at my door, lookin’ to make me holla.

Hoes to the east and hoes to the west.

It’s my writing prompt money that they want best!

Will I travel the nation?

Will I cave in to temptation?

Will I be with a woman who is true?

Or be with the hoes who just want my penny boku?

CHORUS: Oh, the bitches love 12 cents!

BQB:  I used to get so little pussy, it was a mutha-humpin’ crime.

Now all the hoes want to knock boots for my pennies and my dime.

“Look at me, BQB,” say all the hoes from every hood.

Aint no one want me when my cent game was no good.

CHORUS: They all thought you was a loser!

BQB: Now they all a bunch of users.

Chickenheads who want my copper Abe Lincolns.

They don’t want me for me,

And this whole mess is stinkin.’

CHORUS: It stinks real bad!

BQB:  Hoes just want my tiny portrait of Franky D. Roosevelt.

Oh baby, baby you treat me so bad, if only you knew how my ass felt.

CHORUS:  His ass feels bad!

BQB: Mo money, mo problems.

Aint that the truth.

Wish I’d never been like Shakespeare,

And wrote my ass a book, forsooth.

Shit.  2018 was the year I got all this coin instead of the green.

The self-publishin’ game sure is mean.

Think I’ll tell these hoes to get they asses on a bus.

Cuz a fifth of vodka’s the only friend I trust.

I’ll keep my 12 cents close to my heart,

So I never forget, the man I was.

How no one gave a fart.

Damn, son.  Pour out two drinks.

One for me.  And one for all my homies who were never lucky enough to make 12 cents.

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I’ve lowered my international prices

Hey 3.5 readers.

Further experimentation with pricing, I have no idea about foreign money value but I went through and lowered the price of my book to either Amazon’s minimum for that country or close to it.  So, if you’re one of my 3.5 readers who is somewhere far, far away, you can get this book for a pretty low amount of Euros, or lira, or rupees or um, you know, no offense,  but if there’s a country out there where y’all just barter with goats, you probably only need to shove the goat’s hoof into the computer, not the whole goat.

It’s ok that joke was politically incorrect.  I was alive in the 90s so I’m grandfathered in.

Attention English speaking countries.  Brits, you can get this fine book for 1.99…what is it, pounds?  Is that what you’re all using?  Do they have pictures of the Queen on them?  So it sounds like I’ll need one picture of the Queen and then .99th of a picture of the Queen.

Sidenote: is the Queen ever going to step aside and let Charles wear that crown for a day or two?  Holy crap, I never thought being a prince would be a thankless job but it must really suck for that guy to like be waiting to be the king your whole life and you’re in your 60s and you’re like, “Oh, yes, mumsy, so glad you’re still in good health, I guess I shall go twiddle my thumbs another decade, cheerio, ta ta!

Aussies, you can get this book for 3.99…Australian dollars?  Is that it?  What do you people use?  Just send me a friendly koala bear and we’ll call it even.  He must be trained and able to do simple tasks.  Just don’t read my book for too long because you need to be watching out for dingoes who want to eat your babies.

Americans, you still have to pay $2.99 but think of it as an investment in me as a future ambassador of America’s awesomeness and overall badassery.

Oh and don’t forget if you have kindle unlimited, you can read my fine book for FREE!

Did I mention there’s a damn flying shark on the cover?

 

 

 

 

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