Yup. I didn’t have a dollar before and now I have a dollar. Dolla dolla make you holla, y’all.
Hey 3.5 readers.
I’m sorry. My book is like my baby and I’m one of those parents who makes a post every time his kid poops or burps or does something he finds adorable but most people think is lame.
Anyway, I received my first review! And it was a 5 star! So thank you, reader. You have exceptional taste in books and you are an astute reviewer of books because honestly, BQB’s Big Book of Badass Writing Prompts really and truly is a 5 star book.
Hey 3.5 readers.
I’m trying not to be that guy, you know the “Oh look at me I self-published a book guy!” but sometimes this blog is more for me than for you, although I’m happy to have all 3.5 of you.
Often, I forget what I write and surprise myself with forgotten memories years later. So I’d like to record this one.
I sold my first book! I’ve given 120 copies away for free but now someone actually parted with money to read my book. Huzzah!
Priced at 99 cents, I have an entire 35 cents coming my way (Amazon gets the other 64 cents.)
What should I do with my newfound 35 cents, 3.5 readers? (Hmm…is that a sign, since “35” is just 3.5 without the point? Interesting…)
I thought about cashing it out and wearing the coins in a little sack around my neck. It would probably impress all the ladies at da club.
But instead, I think I will save it. I’ve got an empty mayonnaise jar on my desk and it is labeled “BQB’s Malibu Beach House Party Featuring Scantily Clad Women of Ill Repute with Loose Morals.”
35 cents in. $999,999.64 to go.
Anyone want to pay me $999,999.64 for a book? No? OK just checking.
Thank you first person to buy my book. I hope you enjoy it.
Ugh. Look how low I’ve fallen, 3.5 readers. The 99 cent bin already.
It was free for five days and in that time I gave away 120 free copies. I thought that was a good start.
I think it is worth more. It’s got a fabulous cover and some pretty funny content. However, after two days without a sale at $2.99, I decided that it would be better for the long run to just concentrate, for now, on bringing in more fans and then the profits will come later.
So, I’ll get a whopping 35 cents per 99 cent copy I sell, which should earn me an astounding $1.23 if all 3.5 of you fine readers buy a copy.
Just don’t do it all at once. I’m worried that extra $1.23 might move me into a higher tax bracket.
Hey 3.5 readers.
Just a reminder that today is the last day of my free book giveaway for BQB’s Big Book of Badass Writing Prompts.
If you like my blog, like my work, if I’ve ever brightened your day with my witty banter, please mosey on over to Amazon and pickup a free copy. The more books I can give away, the more my stats rise, the more people discover the book and so on.
You don’t have to pay any money, you don’t even have to read it although you should because it’s funny…you just have to download the book for free and that’s it.
Thanks 3.5 readers.
Hey 3.5 readers.
I know. I’ve become “that guy.”
The guy that repeatedly tries to give away his book instead of coming up with something new and interesting to say.
I can’t help it. I’m like a proud father and this book is my baby. So, just reminding you all it is free this weekend – totally FREE, so download your copy today and check it out.
That’s it. I’ll zip my lip about it for a while. Well, I might remind you tomorrow, possibly Monday, but that’s it. Scout’s honor.
Check it out, 3.5 readers:
I’m #14 in the Top 100 Books in the Free Writing Skills Reference Category.
Can we drive this higher? Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Big Book of Badass Writing Prompts is going to be free all weekend. Why not grab a free copy, give it a badass review, and work on some of the prompts and share your results with your blog audience?
Tell your friends, social media followers, etc.
I’m not getting any younger people. I know. I read your blogs. You’re all like “Oh la dee da I’m in the writing game for the artistic wonder of it all” and I’d like to say that in it for that but, you know, also…fame and fortune. And parties in Malibu mansions filled with scantily clad women…parties that aren’t going to happen unless you download your free copy today.
3.5 READERS: Oh, that’s awesome BQB. We love you so much and we’re going to thank you for all the free entertainment you’ve provided for us over the years by downloading your book for free.
Thank you 3.5 readers. I love you too. Download my book for free here.
Hey 3.5 readers.
BQB here again.
The year was 2015. My arch-nemesis, the International War Criminal/Incredibly Boring Snow Monster known as “The Yeti” scaled the walls of BQB HQ, infiltrated my security systems and took me hostage, vowing to only release me if I obtained a higher number of Twitter followers.
I don’t remember why the Yeti wanted me to get more Twitter followers. He’s a yeti. His brain is 95% hair. Stop trying to make sense out of anything a yeti does.
At any rate, I put out a call for help, asking people to follow me @bookshelfbattle in order to release me from the Yeti’s vile clutches.
The only person to respond? Anita Lovett of Anita Lovett and Associates.
That’s right. The rest of you did literally nothing, nothing at all, and were completely content to allow your favorite blog host to remain a yeti captive until the end of time.
Anita, on the other hand, showed the requisite amount of concern that any human should show upon learning that another human has become a yeti captive and she tweeted a call for her followers to follow me.
Meanwhile, the rest of you watched TV and ate cheese doodles and did literally nothing while an incredibly boring snow monster just moved into BQB HQ and made himself at home. Do you guys realize that furry SOB hasn’t even left yet? That beast has been bogarting my Funions and my TV remote since the Obama administration.
Sadly, you will all bear this shame forever whereas I have asked Alien Jones to put Anita Lovett and Associates on the protected rolls so that they may be spared during the Mighty Potentate’s Earth invasion, which totally shouldn’t happen as I will no doubt put out many novels that will appease the Potent One but just in case, you never know.
Anyway, when I needed an editor for Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Big Book of Writing Prompts (available for free on Amazon through Monday, June 12) I instantly remembered how Anita came to my defense against the Yeti whereas the rest of you 3.5 readers failed me so, so miserably. Seriously. There are no words to describe how disappointed I am in all of you to this very day.
But I digress. I don’t want to get into specifics, but I found Anita’s prices to be reasonable and in my opinion, she put more work in than the compensation she asked for.
Now, caveat, I obviously don’t speak for Anita so I can’t say she’ll do the same for you. I mean, maybe she just did it for me because I’m so darn likable and charming and while I’m sure you all think you’re all likable and charming, it’s a lot to ask anyone to live up to the great example that I put out to the world on a daily basis. I really am a bastion of humility.
Anita and Associates edited my book, went over it, making sure all the various grammatical rules were followed and so forth. She made a number of suggestions about how to improve the content (i.e. the prompts themselves). She even formatted it into a file so that all I had to do at the end of the process was load it up on Amazon. That part I especially appreciated it as I am clueless when it comes to taking a written work and getting it ready for e-publishing.
Most importantly, she answered all my questions and I would add, she set deadlines and stuck to them. If she said something would be done by X date, sure enough, I’d look in my inbox and find it was done by X date.
Will Anita go out of her way to help you like she did for me? I mean, obviously I can’t guarantee that because I’m awesome and people like me and they like me so much that they tend to do backflips just to make me happy because, again, I’m so likable.
All I can say is that perhaps you should get in on the ground floor, drop her a line and see what she can do for you and your book before she becomes big and famous, forgets the little people, is able to charge zillions of dollars per hour and can’t return your phone calls because she’s too busy hob nobbing with James Patterson and Steven King and so forth.
Oh, and tell her to work on my stuff before your stuff. I mean, I don’t want to brag, but I think Toilet Gator is really going to take the literary world by storm and I’m going to need her full and undivided attention on it. I fully intend to hire Anita and her Associates to break out some flowcharts and protractors and engage in some serious mathematical equations just to see if my claims about the ability of a toilet gator to travel to various toilets within a given time frame are accurate.
You scoff but I’m already in talks with Matthew McConaughey and Dame Judi Dench to play the lead roles in the movie version…at least those people I met at the truck stop diner told me they were Matt and Judy.
(Note that’s just a joke and I’m sure she won’t put my stuff before your stuff but rather treats all her clients equally, even though my upcoming book, Toilet Gator, really is the best book ever written in the entire history of writing.)
Don’t forget to follow her on Twitter – @anitalovett
Hey 3.5 readers.
Your old pal BQB here.
So, it was a semi-exciting day today.
Last night, I began a free promo for BQB’s Badass Writing Prompts. That’s right, you can get your very own free copy by clicking here. That’ll last till Monday, June 12, when it will go back up to $2.99, so…uh…how do marketers do this? Act fast! Get your free copy today! My prices are insane! I’m Crazy BQB and all my books are priced so low they ought to lock me up in the funny farm!
But I digress. Like a proud papa with a new baby, I checked on the status of my book all day today and was delighted to see that the free promo was helping it move up the charts:
#33 in Kindle Store – Kindle E books – Reference – Writing, Research and Publishing Guides – Writing Skills? Huh, sounds awesome. (Note that apparently means it is in the top 100 of the free part of this section. At least that’s what I think it means. I am still new to all of this.)
#9,637 in Free Kindle Store? Huh, well, there’s still 9,636 peeps ahead of me but ok, that sounds pretty awesome too.
So, being a total novice at this I thought, “Hmm…I mean, I’m not in this game to give stuff away for free and make no money but these rankings sound so awesome that I must have given away like thousands of copies. Think of it as a down payment. Give out lots of free books today and readers will turn into fans who will pay for your stuff tomorrow.”
But then I checked out my figures. 15 free copies. 15. And seriously, I love all 15 of you but I really thought I’d of given away like thousands of copies.
At any rate, I’m not sure how these rankings are figured but my book has been moving up in the ranks all day so however it is done, I’m just going to say thank you to Amazon and Lord Bezos, Supreme Commander of the Internet and All Digital Media He Surveys Until He Conquers the Globe…OR HAS HE ALREADY AND LEFT US NONE THE WISER? MUAH HA HA!
But seriously. I know. 15 copies is nothing to sneeze at. It’s still early. And the one thing I have always noticed about online media is it is one of few activities I have participated in where the results get better every year.
Long story short, I hope you’ll take advantage of this free promo. I’m not asking you 3.5 readers to do much. Just download a free copy. If you like it, give it a fab review. If you have any thoughts you’d like to share, let me know.
AND – do keep in mind it is a book filled with writing prompts, so if you’re a blogger and you’re looking for ideas to blog about, here’s your chance to get some inspiration.
Thank you, 3.5 readers.