FREE STUFF!

Sing it with me, 3.5 readers. Ohhhhhh…FREE stuff is good. FREE stuff is great! FREE stuff is the best! FREE stuff is better than all the rest!

Why is FREE stuff awesome? Because it’s FREE. Why, 11 out of 7 scientists at the Advanced Institute For Bogus Statistics agree that the reason why FREE stuff is good is because you don’t have to pay for it. That means that you get something while not having to part with your money.

You earned that money, possibly by doing one of the following:

#1 – Winning the lottery

#2 – Fighting a duel with river pirates for it using your ninja skills

#3 – You were walking through the forest one day and came across a dead man holding a stack of bills. You looked around, saw no one watching, then just took it because hey, it’s not like he needed it anymore. Then again, maybe he had a family with bills to pay, you insensitive son of a…

#4 – You inherited from your long estranged, Great Great Great Great Great Uncle Tiberius, who left a provision in his last will and testament that you will get a lot of moolah if you survive one night in a haunted house. You laugh, but many a 1960s horror film started in exactly this manner. For some reason, many of the 1960s elderly wanted their younger kin to spend nights in haunted houses. Toughened them up, I suppose. I mean, the old people of that time were born in the late 1800s, a time before toilets, TV, and basic civil rights so they probably didn’t think asking their descendants to spend a night in a haunted house was that big a deal.

#5 – My advisors advise me this is the most likely scenario – you worked for it. You performed a series of tasks in a job in which you are gainfully employed and received fair market value compensation for your time. BRAVO! (Though you really should have fought pirates for it. Lazy.)

Anyway you got your dough, you should keep it. Don’t spend it on my book because my book is free. Instead, spend your money on:

#1 – Candy. 78 out of 5 Bogus Stat Scientists say it is good for the lumbago.

#2 – Robot friends. Don’t bother with human friends. They are very fussy and more often than not, they disappoint. Instead, buy your very own robot friend and program it to like you.

#3 – Puppies.

#4 – Bribes to the King of Norway to meet Thor. You know he can hook that up.

#5 – A robust and healthy combination of goods/services/shelter you need to survive, along with a good habit of saving, a strategy that includes cash reserves in the bank as well as a modest stock, bond and mutual fund portfolio to ensure that you won’t have to peddle your wares under a bridge well into advanced age just to make ends meet. My advisors advise me this is totes what you should be doing with the money you saved by not buying my book.

WHAT IS THE BOOK ABOUT?

Finally, like ten minutes into this post, you ask. CONSPIRACY THEORIES RUN AMUCK! There is a homeless man. He shouts conspiracy theories at everyone all day. Most think he is a kook, but apparently he has stumbled on something that puts a bee in the bonnet of a certain government agency that may or may not exist.

GET YOUR FREE COPY TODAY!