Paying money for stuff = BOO!
Getting free stuff = hooray!
Get your own FREE copy of my first novel, Shop Buddy, 3.5 readers. It’s totally free, which means you don’t have to pay for it.
Bookshelf Battle
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Tag Archives: free books
I’m the Funniest (Free) Writer on Amazon!
Greetings, 3.5 readers.
Yup. Yup. Yup. It’s official. I have achieved my dream of becoming a great humor writer. With the assistance of a Freebooksy promotion, I gave away 2500 free copies of my new novel, Shop Buddy, and the results are as follows:
Hmm. Alas, someone needed to poop on it with a one-star rating, but that’s ok. You can’t please everyone.
The point is, look at those rankings!
#1 in General Humor (FREE) – I have been a humor blogger since 2014 and finally, I have some recognition for my humor chops.
#2 in Teen/Young Adult e-books (FREE) – I didn’t really set out to write a young adult book. The protagonists are 23, a year out of college, unable to find work in their chosen majors so they sling grocery bags for a shopping app. Meh, I guess it counts. It was up to #1 in this category yesterday.
#10 in Mysteries (FREE) – Agatha Christie, eat your heart out!
And #38 out of all the FREE books offered at the moment on Amazon. I made the top 100 here.
Growing up, I was one of those kids who snuck downstairs to watch Saturday Night Live. I quoted lines from In Living Color, The Simpsons and Married with Children on the playground every Monday. And my Mad Magazine collection? Forget about it.
I have had other books get some decent rankings during free book promos, but humor will always hold a special place near and dear to my heart, so this is great.
BTW, it’s not too late to get your FREE copy.
Now I just need to put more work into becoming one of those writers who make it high onto the PAID charts because if I’m being honest, I like money.
SIDENOTE: What’s it about, you ask? Picture it. You work for an online shopping service. One of your customers orders all kinds of weird, dangerous stuff. Rope. Axes. Knives. Chainsaws. Power tools. Do you assume he’s just remodeling his house or do you fear something more sinister is afoot? Grab your free copy today, then use the money you saved to get some extra cheese on your taco.
Oh, and whatever you do, please don’t buy any of the other books I have on Amazon. Writers should never make money at any time. It dilutes the artistic chemistry.
FREE BOOK!
Hey 3.5 readers.
BQB here.
You know what’s expensive? Gas.
You know what’s free? My book.
Buy my book. Entertain yourself. Use that money you saved to buy 2.99 worth of gas and take a nice drive to, I don’t know, the end of the street?
Anyway, here it is, my first novel, totally FREE:
FREE BOOK
GET IT WHILE IT’S HOT
I’m Number 1! I’m Number 1!
Hey 3.5 readers.
Just a fun note. Thanks to a Freebooksy feature, my short story, Freefall is as of this post:
1 in 90-Minute Literature & Fiction Short Reads
1 in 90-Minute Mystery, Thriller & Suspense Short Reads
2 in Single Authors Short Stories
Sorry, I didn’t know it would make the text that big when I cut and pasted it. Also, it is number 91 Free in the kindle store, which if my memory serves, I believe that is the first time I ever cracked the top 100 free.
In total, I was able to give away 1,055 free copies in one day of this fine book about a man who guys skydiving only to discover his primary and backup ripcords have been sabotaged.
As a bonus, 6 copies of my other books were sold. The proceeds were big enough that I can supersize my next taco. I know, sometimes it is frustrating…you give away 1,000 books and only sell 6…but I’ve noticed that when you do a promo like this, the reviews and ratings tend to trickle in over the next few months, which I assume means people grab up a free copy, then let it sit on their virtual shelf until they get around to reading it. At any rate, at least 1,000 copies are out there.
BTW, as some free self publishing advice, it really is all about the cover. I have done 2 freebooksy features for most of my books (a few I have only done 1). For all, I noticed a good return the first time, and a declining return the next time, which I assume a lot of people who use freebooksy grabbed it before and weren’t as interested the second time around (though the returns were still enough to make it worth buying a second feature.)
But this second go around for Freefall, the returns were still high, which tells me people see this poor schmuck holding his cut ripcord and want to find out what happens. Do you want to find out what happens? Grab your free copy!
GET A FREE BOOK!
FREE STUFF!
Sing it with me, 3.5 readers. Ohhhhhh…FREE stuff is good. FREE stuff is great! FREE stuff is the best! FREE stuff is better than all the rest!
Why is FREE stuff awesome? Because it’s FREE. Why, 11 out of 7 scientists at the Advanced Institute For Bogus Statistics agree that the reason why FREE stuff is good is because you don’t have to pay for it. That means that you get something while not having to part with your money.
You earned that money, possibly by doing one of the following:
#1 – Winning the lottery
#2 – Fighting a duel with river pirates for it using your ninja skills
#3 – You were walking through the forest one day and came across a dead man holding a stack of bills. You looked around, saw no one watching, then just took it because hey, it’s not like he needed it anymore. Then again, maybe he had a family with bills to pay, you insensitive son of a…
#4 – You inherited from your long estranged, Great Great Great Great Great Uncle Tiberius, who left a provision in his last will and testament that you will get a lot of moolah if you survive one night in a haunted house. You laugh, but many a 1960s horror film started in exactly this manner. For some reason, many of the 1960s elderly wanted their younger kin to spend nights in haunted houses. Toughened them up, I suppose. I mean, the old people of that time were born in the late 1800s, a time before toilets, TV, and basic civil rights so they probably didn’t think asking their descendants to spend a night in a haunted house was that big a deal.
#5 – My advisors advise me this is the most likely scenario – you worked for it. You performed a series of tasks in a job in which you are gainfully employed and received fair market value compensation for your time. BRAVO! (Though you really should have fought pirates for it. Lazy.)
Anyway you got your dough, you should keep it. Don’t spend it on my book because my book is free. Instead, spend your money on:
#1 – Candy. 78 out of 5 Bogus Stat Scientists say it is good for the lumbago.
#2 – Robot friends. Don’t bother with human friends. They are very fussy and more often than not, they disappoint. Instead, buy your very own robot friend and program it to like you.
#3 – Puppies.
#4 – Bribes to the King of Norway to meet Thor. You know he can hook that up.
#5 – A robust and healthy combination of goods/services/shelter you need to survive, along with a good habit of saving, a strategy that includes cash reserves in the bank as well as a modest stock, bond and mutual fund portfolio to ensure that you won’t have to peddle your wares under a bridge well into advanced age just to make ends meet. My advisors advise me this is totes what you should be doing with the money you saved by not buying my book.
WHAT IS THE BOOK ABOUT?
Finally, like ten minutes into this post, you ask. CONSPIRACY THEORIES RUN AMUCK! There is a homeless man. He shouts conspiracy theories at everyone all day. Most think he is a kook, but apparently he has stumbled on something that puts a bee in the bonnet of a certain government agency that may or may not exist.
GET YOUR FREE COPY TODAY!
GET A FREE BOOK!
I’m Crazy BQB and my book prices are so low, I’m giving them away! Bah ha ha!
3.5 READERS: BQB, how low are your book prices?
BQB: I’m glad you asked. My book prices are lower than:
#1 – A crooked Congressman
#2 – A snake trying to win a limbo contest
#3 – That shawty in the Flo-Rida song with the apple bottom jeans and the boots with the fur who got low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low (while the whole club was looking at her.
In conclusion, get this free book?
WHAT’S IT ABOUT?
Was there a low point in your life? (BTW the price of this book is lower than that.)
Maybe don’t feel too bad about that low point. Maybe that bad thing that happened turned out to be the best thing for the world.
Case in point. Evan Brooks has wasted his life pining for his ex, “the one that got away.” After some interference from a mysterious stranger, he learns their break-up was the best thing for the world, for by going their separate ways, they avoided having a son who becomes the world’s worst dictator. Now that he sees that world, Evan will have to figure out how to put the world above his own selfish needs.
BTW – IT’S FREE!
Get a FREE BOOK!
It’s official, 3.5 readers. Like a monk, I’ve taken a vow of poverty so I can pass on all the FREE BOOK savings to you.
When you download my book for FREE, what will you do with the savings?
Possibilities:
#1 – Book a cruise. Meet the love of your live. Let your spouse down easy.
#2 – Buy a mansion. Hire a butler. Forget to tell your fam your new address.
#3 – Buy a major league baseball team. Learn about baseball so you can tell them how to play.
#4 – None of these things, because my book was only .99 cents to begin with, but with that extra almost-buck, you could put some extra cheese on your taco.
In conclusion, get my FREE BOOK FOR FREE with the awesome cost savings, you can put extra cheese on your taco:
GET A FREE BOOK – FOR FREE
3.5 readers, if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times:
Making money is for suckers.
Sure, any old author can make millions of bucks off the fruit of their scribbling labors but me? I’m like a monk. I’ve taken a vow of poverty and that’s how I can afford to just give my books away for FREE, YES TOTALLY FREE which means, YOU PAY NOTHING!
So, what are you waiting for? An engraved invitation? Head on over to Amazon and pick up a FREE copy of my book, “The End is Nigh” which is about a wacky conspiracy theorist who might just be babbling about something that a certain government agency (that may or may not exist) doesn’t want the public to know about.
If you want to buy a book while you’re there and in so doing, make a contribution to Jeff Bezos’ next space flight, be my guest, but you certainly don’t have to. You’re more than welcome to just grab A FREE BOOK FOR FREE!
Bookshelf Battle 