Weird Al Yankovic is having the best week ever. He’s releasing a new parody video every day this week and so far he’s spot on. For all you writers out there, here’s “Word Crimes,” Weird Al’s parody of “Blurred Lines” by Robin Thicke:
Bookshelf Battle
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Category Archives: Writing
On Writing – Or “I Wish These Were My First Words”
A few posts ago, I went on a tangent – asking why do I bother to work so hard on my writing when America is easily satisfied by a song that goes, and I quote, “You know what to do with that big fat butt! Wiggle wiggle!”
Well, I suppose this next song is not as bad, but J. Lo’s “First Love” also makes me wonder if music writers are trying as hard as they could be.
Check out these lyrics:
I wish you were my first love
‘Cause if you were first
Baby there would have been no second, third or fourth love
Woah oh oh oh
I wish you were my first love
‘Cause if you were first
Baby there would have been no second, third or fourth love
– First Love, Jennifer Lopez
So, what was left on the cutting room floor? How about:
I wish you were my first love
‘Cause if you were first
Baby there would have been no second third or fourth love
Furthermore a fifth love would have been unlikely!
A sixth love would have been improbable!
A seventh, eighth, or ninth love would have been out of the question
And a tenth love would have been right out!
Don’t even get me started on the eleventh love
Yes, I can certainly count!
Yes, I even imagined how the sales pitch for this song went:
MUSIC EXECUTIVE: OK J Lo, pitch us your new song.
J LO: Ok, so this song, is essentially about time travel.
MUSIC EXECUTIVE: Whoa.
J LO: I’m singing to a guy who is currently my love.
MUSIC EXECUTIVE: Uh huh
J LO: And I’m explaining to him that had I met him first, I would not have dated three previous men.
MUSIC EXECUTIVE: So, wait, what are you saying?
J LO: That if things happen differently then other things also happen differently
MUSIC EXECUTIVE: Oh my God. Mind totally blown.
Seriously, all she does is count her loves. That’s it. All she does. I half-expect the Count from Sesame Street to come in on back up vocals. “One! One love! Ah ah ah!”
On Writing – or “You Know What to do With Those Big Fat Words!”
Happy Friday, Bookshelf Battlers.
Bookshelf Battle Guy here, coming to you from you from the Bookshelf Battle Forward Operating Base.
No book review tonight. Rather, I have a tirade to go on.
As writers, and let’s face it, we’re all bloggers because we are aspiring writers, we all have a downfall – that one issue, that little personal hiccup that stands between us and putting pen to paper. For me, it’s self-criticism. I write, and write, and write some more. Then I read it and become my own personal critic, not just any critic, but Roger Ebert on Steroids (RIP).
“So unoriginal! So unbelievable! So unrealistic! Surely, you can do better! Crumple that up! Throw it away! Try it again!”
Defeated, I take a break, turn on the radio, and hear:
“YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT BIG FAT BUTT! WIGGLE WIGGLE!
In case you’ve been living under a rock, one of the top hit songs out nowadays is “Wiggle, Wiggle” by Jason Derulo. It’s an ode to derrieres, a modern day Baby Got Back if you will, though I hate to insult Sir Mix-a-Lot, because at least he brought some energy and enthusiasm to his infamous soliloquy.
Seriously, that’s pretty much how the song goes. “You know what to do with that big fat butt! Wiggle, wiggle!” Then he goes on to compare said posterior to two planets, a ham sandwich, a trunk, a basketball slam dunk, and so on. Then Snoop Dogg lays down some beats. Just as The Rock is the savior of failed action movie franchises (Fast and Furious, GI Joe, Journey to the Center of the Earth, Snoop Dogg is the rejuvenator of rap songs. Just ask Gangnam Style Psy.
I’m sorry, but it just bugs me. Here I am, as many of you are, slaving over a computer screen, trying to pour my heart and soul out into a coherent volume, to weave the ideas lurking in my mind into a readable text format, and the greatest song of our day is:
“YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT BIG FAT BUTT! WIGGLE WIGGLE!
Honestly, this is how the Roman Empire ended. It was once the world’s cultural center, till some minstrel started singing, “Thou knowest what to do with thine enormous posterior!”
And come on, you all know how the sales pitch meeting for this song went down:
RECORD EXECUTIVE: Jason, so good to see you. So what’s your new song about?
JASON: It’s about butts.
RECORD EXECUTIVE: Really? I’m intrigued! What about them?
JASON: How they’re big and how I like it when they wiggle.
RECORD EXECUTIVE: Someone brought their A game today! Tell me more.
JASON: See, there’s this chick. And she has a big butt. And I figure, instinctively, she knows what to do with her big butt.
RECORD EXECUTIVE: What does she do? Oh my God, I’m on the edge of my seat here.
JASON: Alright, check this out. She wiggles it.
RECORD EXECUTIVE: She wiggles it!
JASON: Wiggle, wiggle.
RECORD EXECUTIVE: Sold! Son, I want to be in the wiggly butt business!
Oh well, that’s all I had to complain about. I shall now retire to my nerd cave, to produce more crumpled pieces of writing that will apparently never live up to society’s very high “Wiggle your fat butt” standard.
The sad part is – it’s actually a catchy tune. “You know what to do with that…” Damn it. Great, now it’s stuck in my head.
Bookshelf Battle 
The Writer’s Battle – Expressions
Expressions – you hear them all the time. They’re those pesky figures of speech that everyone says but no one knows where they came from. And sometimes, when you really sit there and think about them – they’re kind of weird.
Here’s some that are on my mind:
EXPRESSION: “There’s more than one way to skin a cat.”
MEANING: It is possible to achieve the same end through various means.
EXAMPLE: “Hey Fred!” Pete said. “I ran out of glue and now I can’t finish my collage of 17th Century Prussian Warlords! What the hell should I do know?”
Pete stroked his beard in a thoughtful manner and replied, “Why don’t you try some chewed up Grape Bubbalicious? After all, there’s more than one way to skin a cat!”
COMMENTARY: When you think about it, this expression is sick. Apparently, based on the expression’s continued existence in the modern lexicon, there was at one point in the world’s history a booming cat skinning operation. Whether people skinned cats for industrious profit or leisurely sport I am unaware. Yet, cat skinning must have been prevalent at some point for people to have coined this expression.
GUESS AT HOW IT WAS INVENTED: Two cat skinners, 1 and 2, were discussing a vexing problem in 1’s life. 2 suggested a variety of possible methods of solving 1’s problem, adding “There’s more than one way to skin a cat.” 1, a veteran cat skinner, keenly aware of and experienced in a wide range of cat skinning techniques, devices, and methods, knew instantly that 2 was attempting to convey the message that there was more than one way to remedy his conundrum. Thus, a new expression was born.
THE BOOKSHELF BATTLE EXPRESSION CHALLENGE – In an effort to motivate myself to engage in more bloggery, from now until Labor Day I will be consulting with Expression Scientists all over the globe to explain to you, the noble reader, not only how our most prevalent expressions were invented, but also, how they are pretty weird when you think about them.
Have an expression you’d like to see decompressed? Post it in the comment section below.
As always, thank you for stopping by. Stop by more often, will you? I’ve seen cholesterol numbers higher than my stats.