Category Archives: Zombie Western

How the West Was Zombed – Killing Your Darlings

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Sigh. Gunther is dead.

I’m partly depressed and also partly a bit proud of myself.

Unbeknownst to you, 3.5 readers, I’ve been planning to bump the G-Man off for awhile now.

Initially, I intended that there would be a happy ending in which he lives and moves in with Slade and whichever woman he ends up with and acts as like a beloved cantankerous Grampa of the family…but…

It was the “dying with your boots on” thing that got me.  If you die with your boots on, you probably did so in battle.  If you die with your boots off, it means you were peaceful, surrounded by family.

If the series goes on long enough, maybe good ole Slade will keep his promise to Gunther and die with his boots off.

Have you ever killed off a main character, 3.5 readers?

Did it make you sad?

It does make me sad, but one odd thing – I’m looking towards writing accomplishments less in word counts or chapter counts and more of scenes and milestones.

I have been having all these images in my head of what will happen to the characters for months and am amazed to have gotten so many of these images down on paper now.

Thanks for reading, 3.5.  Your feedback is always appreciated.

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How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 100

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“Of all the…”

Gunther coughed up some blood.

“…ways I thought I’d buy the farm, getting gut shot by a…”

More coughing.

“…Goddamn bloodsucking lawyer wasn’t one of them.”

Slade writhed about on the floor, desperately trying to break free from his shackles.

“Hold on,” Slade said.

Drip. Drip. Drip. The ground underneath the old man grew redder with every drop.

The door opened. A werewolf entered. Timidly, he walked over to Slade.

“Aww what the fuck do you want now?” Slade asked.

The werewolf extended his pointer finger, then using the claw at the end of it like a knife, sawed through Slade’s hand and feet shackles as if they were made out of butter.

“Miles?” Slade asked.

The werewolf nodded and growled in the affirmative.

Slade ran to Gunther and grabbed hold of the old man. Miles cut the rope and helped Slade ease Gunther slowly to the ground.

Miles morphed into his boy form.

Slade tore open Gunther’s shirt and stuck a finger into the wound. The old man yelled louder than he ever had before.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

“Looking for the bullet,” Slade said. “If I can just get it…”

Gunther winced. “Nah…forget that shit. We all got our time and this is mine.”

Slade tore a large piece off of Gunther’s vest, prompting the old man’s expected complaint.

“Now what the hell…Mavis made that for me!”

Slade pressed the fabric as hard up against the wound, doing what he could to stop the bleeding.

The old man raised a shaky hand and looked at Slade, who looked at it hesitantly.

“Jesus Christ,” Gunther said. “I’m not asking you to fuck me in the ass, just take my hand, will ya?”

Slade grabbed it.

“Boy, I know you think I’m a coward…”

“No,” Slade interrupted.

Gunther nodded. “Yes, yes you do. It’s ok. Maybe I am, or maybe you’re just too bullheaded. But I was never trying to get you to run away from every fight. I was just wanted you to save yourself for a cause worth fighting for.”

The old man coughed. His voice grew weaker. “And this cause…”

Another cough interruption. “…is worth it. Every bit of it.”

Slade pressed the makeshift cloth deeper into the wound. The old man yelped.

“Just…forget that. Stop wasting your time on an old son of a bitch and go save someone. Anyone. As many as you can…”

Slade and Miles traded sad looks.

“That fucker is playing with your head,” Gunther said. “Using your women against you. You can’t save them both so you’ll hate yourself either way but forget about all that…you got to…stop that damn train.”

Gunther gripped Slade’s hand tighter then let it go. He reached down towards his belt and fumbled with his knife, but lacked the strength to draw it.

“Bowie’s knife,” Gunther said. “It’s my prized possession. Shit. All these years and its the only valuable…thing I have. Take it.”

Slade drew the knife out of the sheath.

The old man patted Slade on the arm. “Take the sheath too. First rule of carrying a knife is…”

The old man coughed as if he were hacking up a lung.

“Fuck,” Gunther said, then carried on. “Don’t carry it on your belt loose or you’ll cut off your pecker.”

Slade fought back the urge to laugh.

Slowly, the old man raised his head and looked down at his ragged, dusty boots.

“Shit,” he said. “Will you look at that?”

“What?” Slade asked.

“Aww it’s just when we threw down against Smelly Jack that first time,” Gunther said. “You told me…you wanted to die with your boots on. I guess you and I are different because I always wanted to die with my boots off.”

Slade reached for the old man’s boots. Gunther grabbed Slade’s hand again and held onto it.

“Nah,” Gunther said. “Who gives a shit now? It’s just…when I was young I thought I’d go in a nice warm bed. I thought Mavis would be holding my hand instead of you, no offense.”

“None taken,” Slade said.

“Then I thought I’d have some young’uns looking over me but the Lord saw fit to not bless Mavis and I with any.”

The old man stretched both hands out and waited…and waited. Slade was baffled.

“Hug him,” Miles whispered out of the corner of his mouth.

“Oh,” Slade said as he clutched the old man in an embrace.

“I suppose you’re the closest thing to a son I ever had,” Gunther said.

Upon hearing those words, a tear trickled out of Slade’s eye. He wiped it away as he lifted his head up.

“Aw hell Miles,” Gunther said. “I don’t have anything to give to you.”

The old man and the boy hugged. “That’s ok.”

“Wait.” Gunther’s shaky hand lifted his hat off of his head and placed it on the boy’s. “Every cowboy needs a hat.”

The boy stood there with some tears in his eyes as well. He was still naked, but sporting Gunther’s dapper hat, red feather and all.

“You look sharp,” Gunther said. “But you need some pants.”

Gunther grabbed Miles’ hand with his left and Slade’s hand with his right.

“Promise me something, boys,” Gunther said.

“Anything,” Slade replied.

“That you’ll both do your best to die with your boots off.”

That idea went against everything Slade had stood for but he nodded yes. Miles did the same.

The old man clutched his chest and threw his head back, coughing uncontrollably. Finally, he stopped and made a few gurgling sounds.

“I’m a-comin’ Mavis,” he whispered.

Slade and Miles watched as the life drained out of Gunther’s one good eye.

Angrily, Slade stood up and punched the wooden support beam in the center of the livery. The pain made every bone in his hand throb with agony, but he didn’t care. He punched the beam again and again. Then he stormed outside.

Miles followed.

“Look!” the boy said. Miles had spotted Slade’s twin pistols and bandolier on the ground, still filled with silver-tipped bullets. His captors had stripped them off of Slade, but then just tossed them amidst a pile of dead zombie bodies.

Slade grabbed both guns and holstered them, then put on the bandolier.

Off in the distance, the Marvel of the Rails sounded its ear splitting whistle.

“Damn it!” Slade said.

Slade and Miles hustled through town, running past rubble, burning buildings, and townsfolk turned survivors trying to piece their lives back together. A few stray zombies that didn’t make it on the train wandered about aimlessly.

The duo reached Highwater Station only to find the Marvel was gone. They gazed across the prairie only to see it chugging about a mile away, about to disappear over the horizon.

“Fuck!” Slade shouted as he stomped his foot on the platform.

The boy tugged on Slade’s arm. “Come on,” Miles shouted. “Let’s go!”

“Aww there’s no horse that could catch up to it now,” Slade lamented.

Miles took off the hat Gunther had given him and gently laid it on a bench people usually sat on as they waited for trains to arrive.

“Who said anything about a horse?” the boy asked.

Miles became a wolf again. He lowered himself down on all fours, waiting for Slade to climb on.

Slade shook his head in disbelief. He climbed on the werewolf’s back, gripped a big hunk of fur with both hands, and held on as Miles took off.

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Happy Tuesday Nerds

Hey Nerds.

Just a quick note as I’m trying to post once a day for…well either for the rest of my life or until I quit writing and allow the Mighty Potentate to take over, whichever comes first.

Things are heating up with How the West Was Zombed so be sure to check that out.

And I’m not quite sure about Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Bad Ass Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse yet but I feel like it could be just a collection of my humorous rants circulating around a zombie theme, the best part being that I don’t have to worry a whole lot about continuity because it is just a collection of tirades.

Anyway, give me your feedback on both.  It is appreciated.

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How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 99

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The blood that squirted out of Blythe’s neck was as dark as the ink Slade has used to write his insult with.

The vampire didn’t get angry. He showed no signs of fear or confusion. He didn’t do one of the many things that most people would have done upon getting stabbed in the neck. He simply pulled the quill out of his flesh and set it down on the table.

Slade watched as the wound healed. The werewolf standing guard over Slade was about to give his prisoner some wounds of his own, but Blythe urged him to back off.

“It’s alright,” Blythe said as he wiped the blood off his neck with a handkerchief. “Mr. Slade has simply rejected my offer and has proposed a hostile counter-offer. I’ll have to pass as my mother died before long before Jesus was born. Secure the prisoner.”

The werewolf behind Slade complied and fastened the shackles back around the prisoner’s wrists.

“Apparently you’ve decided to extend the negotiation process,” Blythe said. “Allow me to offer my counter to your counter.”

The vampire withdrew his pistol, held it by the barrel, and pistol whipped Slade across his right cheek, opening up a deep gash. Red blood poured out of it.

“The board only directed me to keep you alive,” Blythe said. “They never told me that I have to keep you looking pretty.”

Gunther coughed. The shackles he was hanging from were beginning to cut his wrists.

“Takes a big man to wallop a fella when he’s all tied up,” the old man said.

Vampires don’t act out of emotion, seeing as they possess none. But like any being, they do get annoyed, and when vexed, they have been known to lash out in horrific ways.

Blythe did just that when, without wasting a second to think about it, aimed his revolver at Gunther and fired a shot right into the old man’s belly.

“And no one said a damn thing about keeping your elderly sidekick alive at all,” the vampire said.

Slade seethed as Gunther shouted a trail of expletives.

The vein in Slade’s forehead was ready to burst. He sprang to his feet only to be backhanded to the ground by a werewolf’s paw.

Said werewolf turned Slade over on his back, allowing the vampire to lean down and get in the captive’s face.

“Listen to me and listen well, you insignificant twat,” Blythe said. “You’ve decided to take the hard way now. So be it. You’ll lie here and watch the old man who gave you the love your father never did slowly bleed to death. Meanwhile, your savage friends and the woman who you treat like second best will be kept as blood bags, prisoners whose sole purpose for remaining alive will now be to be fed on by vampires in service to the Legion Corporation.”

The vampire picked the contract up off the table.

“The woman you love the most will be taking a train ride with me as an insurance policy,” Blythe said. “I haven’t decided what to do with her once I don’t need her any more but for some reason, sucking every last drop of blood out of her then tossing her dried up carcass off the Sturtevant Bridge seems like it would be quite entertaining.”

The vampire lightly slapped his hand against Slade’s injured cheek. “And then finally, when you give up and realize that everyone you ever loved is either dead or wishing they were because of you, you’ll find me…”

Blythe crumpled up the contract into a ball and bounced it off Slade’s forehead.

“…and you’ll beg me to draw up another one.”

The vampire snapped his fingers and the werewolves joined him in strutting out of the livery.

Slade’s mind was in turmoil. So many thoughts. So many emotions. All he could get out was, “I’ll kill you! Do you hear me? I’ll find you and tear you apart and make you wish you were never born!”

“Blah, blah, blah,” the vampire said. “So said every righteous knight, warrior, and priest I ever crossed paths with since King David was a tiny tot. I’ve heard it all before. So long, Slade.”

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How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 98

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Iron shackles kept Slade’s hands bound tightly behind his back. Another pair secured his feet together. He was flat on his back, staring at the ceiling.

Gunther laid next to him, in a similar predicament.

Two werewolves entered the livery and set up a table and two chairs. One of them threw a rope over an old wooden support beam up in the rafters, then tied the other end around Gunther’s hand shackles.

The wolf yanked on the free end of the rope until the old man’s feet were dangling just above the ground. The beast then tied the end of the rope he was holding to a vertical beam in the middle of the room.

“Don’t I get to talk to a judge or somethin’?” Gunther asked.

A big hairy paw slap across his face was the werewolf’s response.

“Guess not,” Gunther said as blood trickled out of his mouth.

The second werewolf picked up Slade and sat him down in one of the chairs.

Blythe, who’d been supervising the entire operation from the corner, strolled over to Slade and drew his revolver.

The vampire pressed the cold steel up against Slade’s forehead. Slade closed his eyes and leaned into it. He wasn’t scared at all. Rather, the idea that all his torment could be over in an instant filled him with a sense of relief.

“Pow,” the vampire said as he pulled back his weapon. Slade opened his eyes.

“How simple it would be to solve the threat you pose to me,” Blythe said as he holstered his piece and took the seat on the opposite side of the table. “But luckily for you, you have friends in some very high places that you aren’t even aware of.”

Slade sat in silence.

“Do you know how vampires hypnotize people?” Blythe asked.

No response.

“The eyes,” Blythe said. “They truly are, as people say, the window to the soul. I can look into the eyes of most people and quickly learn everything there is to know about them. Their deepest, darkest secrets, their hopes, their dreams. Then, without ever saying it directly, I’m able to implant into their minds the false promise that if they do what I ask of them, their dreams will come true. Moments later, they recall nothing and they’re convinced their actions were of their own volition.”

“Am I supposed to be impressed?” Slade asked.

“No,” Blythe said. “It’s more of a psychological parlor trick than anything else. I convinced Judge Sampson to let your least favorite family go by promising him that he’d be governor one day. Politicians are so easy. Just promise them more opportunities to be treated like the prized pig at the county fair.”

Blythe drummed his fingers on the table. “Jack Buchanan was a cinch as well. Money and whores and, well, I’m not sure I can find fault in that. Who among us doesn’t appreciate money and a good whore?”

Slade wiggled his hands. It was no use. The shackles were too strong.

“Ironically, your whore was a tougher nut to crack,” Blythe said. “I thought a promise of money would bring her around as well but no, all she needed was a promise that one day she’d end up with you. If my heart still worked, it would have been warmed.”

Slade’s heart did work. And it sank.

The vampire wagged his pointed finger at the captive. “But you, my friend, are a horse of a different color. I looked deep into your soul and saw it all. The cowardly little boy hiding under his bed while his mother was dragged into the street and shot like a dog…”

Slade sneered.

“…the Daddy who confirmed your sense of self-loathing by refusing to love you…”

The lawman attempted to rise to his feet but a werewolf’s paw pressed him back down into his seat.

“…the disappointment you felt when you realized that even though a Marshal’s star gave you a license to hunt down and kill everyone who ever reminded you of your mother’s killer, no amount of blood was ever going to bring you peace…”

The vampire clicked his tongue in a “tsk, tsk, tsk” sound. “Many people claim to feel hopeless but few actually are. Even the most downtrodden, destitute hobo privately harbors hope that he’s just one stroke of luck away from finding himself in a mansion feasting on caviar, a gaggle of servants catering to his every whim…”

Gunther piped up. “If you’re going to prattle on and on forever, you think one of your dog monsters could cut me down? Hanging like this is hell on an old man’s back.”

The old man’s insolence was met with another werewolf slap to the face. Gunther’s beard became soaked with his own blood.

“A simple ‘no’ would have sufficed,” Gunther said.

The vampire smiled then turned his attention back to Slade. “You are a truly hopeless individual. There’s not a speck of optimism in you. You believe the world is garbage, that everyone’s lives are meaningless, that building yourself into an admirable position is pointless because as soon as you get comfortable life will inevitably send the equivalent of a Sawbuck Sam to tear everything apart again.”

Slade didn’t want to give Blythe the satisfaction of an answer, but he didn’t have to. Blythe could tell by the look on Slade’s face that he was speaking the truth.

“Rainer,” Blythe said as he leaned across the table. “A soul will never be anything more than a cause of constant torment for a man who is irreparably hopeless.”

“Just kill me and get it over with,” Slade said.

“Kill you?” Blythe asked. “I want to save you.”

The vampire reached into his pocket and produced a piece of paper. He unfolded it and laid it out on the table. A werewolf set down a quill and an inkwell.

“More specifically,” Blythe said. “I want to save you from your soul.”

“I wish someone would save me from this never-ending soliloquy,” Gunther said. His words were met with another werewolf slap, but he didn’t care anymore.

“You are hopeless and yet your soul demands that you feel,” Blythe said. “Love for Bonnie Lassiter, the woman you feel you can drop your false facade of bravado around and be loved for who you are. Love for Sarah Farquhar, who looks up to you as the brave man you wish you were even though it is not the man you are inside. Hatred for yourself for loving both of them and for loving Bonnie more despite the societal convention that you’re only supposed to love the woman you’ve formally promised yourself to.”

Blythe pushed the paper across the table, then signaled the werewolf standing guard over Slade to remove the shackles from the prisoner’s hands.

With his hands free now, Slade choked back the urge to fight. He was outnumbered and his pistols had been taken from him.

“Take your time and peruse the contract,” Blythe said. “It’s all fairly standard boiler plate. You agree to sell your immortal soul to the Chairman of the Board of Directors of the Legion Corporation.”

Slade read the document to himself. It was written in elegant cursive. Had the subject matter not been so wicked, it would have been suitable for framing.

“In exchange for this valuable commodity, the Chairman will appoint you as an agent of the Legion Corporation. You’ll be rewarded handsomely and without that wretched soul of yours weighing you down, you’ll be able to cheat, kill and fuck you way through the rest of your life without nary a concern of how it affects anyone or what anyone thinks of you.”

Slade kept reading. “You want me to sell my soul to the dev…”

Blythe reached across the table and pressed his pointer finger up against Slade’s lips. “Shhh. We don’t speak of any of the Chairman’s many names. He prefers to remain shrouded in mystery.”

Slade reared his head back, unpleased that a male finger had been on his lips. The vampire moved back in his chair.

“Naturally, the Chairman will expect you to do a lot of killing on the Legion Corporation’s behalf,” Blythe explained. “Oh and your employment with Legion must remain strictly confidential. You see, we’ll need you to continue holding yourself out to the public as a decent, honorable man. Luckily for the Chairman, decent men will be in short supply once the country is overrun with zombies and all laws are thrown out the window. But without your soul, you’ll have no qualms about gaining the people’s trust only to lead them to their doom.”

Blythe cleared his throat and carried on. “You really have no idea how lucky you are that the Board of Directors has taken such an interest in you. You’ll be a very important man in our new world order.”

Slade looked at the line where he was supposed to sign. He looked up at the vampire.

“And what if I don’t sign?” Slade asked.

“Oh you’ll sign,” Blythe said. “I’m nothing if not very resourceful. I have my ways of convincing the hopeless that life would be better sans soul. You’re on the precipice right now and all I need do is keep pushing until you’re over the edge. You can sign now and spare your loved ones a great deal of agony, or we can continue our negotiations. I’m not sure Miss Lassiter or Miss Farquhar will last very long though.”

Slade seethed with a burning rage, urging him to leap across the table and rip Blythe’s head off. Unfortunately, that wasn’t an option while a werewolf was nearby.

The vampire playfully bonked the side of his head with his hand. “Oh, I forgot. I have them both.”

“What?” Slade asked.

“The woman you promised to marry and the woman you’d rather marry,” Blythe said. “Both are in my custody, ready to be abused and tortured to no end for as long as you need further lessons on how burdensome it can be when your soul constantly demands that you care about other people.”

Slade looked at the paper again. “I sign this and you’ll let them go?”

“If you sign this, you won’t care if I let them go,” Blythe said. “I’m sorry but you really have no leverage here.”

Slade picked up the quill. He dipped it in ink. He touched the tip on the signature line.

The old man interrupted him. “Son,” Gunther said.

Another werewolf slap.
Blythe raised his hand to signal the werewolf guarding Gunther. “It’s alright. This is a legal hearing so never let it be said I did not allow all interested parties to speak their piece.”

The werewolf nodded and backed off.

Gunther started again. “Son, if there’s one thing I’ve learned in my life it’s that when things look bleak, it seems easy to do something that under normal circumstances would make us ashamed. Give in to this fanged fuck today and you’ll be giving into him for the rest of your days. And I suppose the version of yourself that you become won’t give a lick off a bull’s nuts, but I know the you that’s sitting there right now does care. Somehow, some way, even when it seems impossible, life has a way of unfucking itself. You don’t need to sign that because I swear, I don’t why when or how, but things will get better. They always do.”

Slade stared at the vampire. “I need you to promise you’ll let everyone go.”

“Everyone?” Blythe said. “That’s a bit much, isn’t it?”

“Bonnie. Sarah. Gunther. The Injuns. Everyone.”

Blythe sighed. “I had intended to turn your native friends into blood bags. Savage blood is so hearty and delicious. They don’t poison their bodies with as much impropriety as civilized men do. But I suppose there are other savages I could harvest.”

The vampire stood and walked around the table. “Very well. Sign and all of your people go free.”

Blythe pressed his left hand down firmly on Slade’s shoulder, then tapped his right finger on the signature line.

“Right here,” Blythe said. “And then it will be done.”

“Don’t do it, boy,” Gunther said. “He’ll kill us all anyway.”

“You can hit him now,” Blythe said without looking up. The werewolf obliged, giving Gunther another slap to the face.

Slade dipped the quill into the inkwell, swirled it around, then pulled it out, carefully wiping the excess ink off on the sides of the well.

He hesitated for a moment, then scrawled away across the signature line.

A curious Blythe leaned in to read three words written in poor penmanship on the contract he’d so dutifully prepared.

“FUCK YOUR MOTHER.”

And unfortunately for Blythe, his exposed neck became an irresistible target for Slade, who quickly plunged the sharp end of the quill pen into it.

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How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 97

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For Miles, there was something strangely comforting about lying face down in the dirt. He was alive. And no one was bothering him.

He laid there long enough to relax and become a boy again.

He stood up. The thought crossed his mind that he could walk away from it all now.

Pa was right. He wasn’t cut out to be a fighter and there was no shame in admitting that to himself. His father hadn’t told him that to be mean but rather to save him from a life he wouldn’t be able to handle.

Now there was an opportunity for Miles to save himself.

Naked, bruised, bloody, aching all over, he put one foot in front of the other, heading South. Heading anywhere but Highwater.

Miss Bonnie would be fine, right?

Surely, that scrappy lady had a better chance at survival than anyone. But she was up against werewolves.

What about Miss Sarah? The odds of her surviving a werewolf kidnapping were a million to one.

All the images of what could be happening to the women Slade had trusted him to protect ran through his mind. He shuddered and tried to think of something else. Anything else.

He couldn’t. Worse, all he could think about was his hesitation. Would one smash to that random wolf’s face have made a difference?

Sure, he still would have had to face King Zeke, but perhaps he could have distracted him long enough for Miss Bonnie to run.

The boy stopped. He remembered his father’s words.

“Someday a Freeman will do something that will make all the shit we’ve been through worthwhile.”

The kid had taken those words to mean some Freeman way down the line, in a future so distant he couldn’t conceive of it.

Miles was a Freeman. The only male Freeman in his line.

His brain was undergoing some hearty calisthenics. He couldn’t exactly keep the Freeman family going if he died fighting werewolves that were stronger and more devious than he was, could he?

But then again, he wouldn’t set much of an example for his future, hypothetical, non-existent at the moment family if he forever had to tell them that when people needed him, he walked away.

Screw it. The boy wolfed out, pointed himself towards Highwater, and ran.

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How the West Was Zombed – A Note on Chapter 95

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Recently, I wrote Chapter 95, in which the Major and the Corporal decide whether or not to disobey orders and allow a gaggle of people cross the bridge (thus escaping the zombie hordes) before it is blown up.

Doc rides onto the scene at the end, thus confirming the Major’s worry that a zombie might be amongst the crowd.

Doc, of course, is a higher functioning half-zombie.

Anyway, this won’t be 95.  I’m going to push this to later. Logistically, I don’t think Doc has had enough time to make it to the bridge yet.

Our story will pick up with Miles, and then we’ll find out what happened to Gunther and Slade.

I know. The 3.5 people reading this care more about Gunther than Slade.  Can’t blame them. Gunther has personality. Slade’s kind of an uber depressed pretty boy.

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How the West Was Zombed – The Beginning of the End

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Howdy 3.5 cowpokes.

I’ve been dragging my feet lately because…well..we’re finally on the back nine.

Is Zombed going to end soon?

Nope. But we’re past the beginning and the middle and now, for the first time ever, I’m working on the end of a novel.

It’s a long end. A big end. My novel’s end got back.

So it’s taken me a bit.  Had to do some thinking. Make some decisions.  Specifically, I had to think about how each character’s personal story ends within the context of the book, as well as how/where they’ll be in the future (or do any of them have a future? muah ha ha?)

And amidst all that, I also have to set things up for the sequel – How the West Was Zombed Part II: The Quest to Fill Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Pockets with Mad Sticky Scrilla.

Hopefully, I’ll start back up again this weekend.  For those of you have tuned out or have just tuned in, follow along, will you?

As I said above, we aren’t close to being done yet, but we’re if this experience has been a flight, we’re on a slow descent toward our intended destination, so fasten your seat belts, put your tray tables in the upright position, and for the love of God stop playing candy crush.

I dare say these last few parts (which, not gonna lie, could still take me a couple more months) will be important to the overall project so come along with me on this ride and help me figure out how to make this book better…so I can stack cheese.

Did I say stack cheese? I meant uh…improve my art.

In all seriousness, I think good books and money making books are one in the same so your help will be greatly appreciated.

And for those of you who have been following along since the very beginning (and seriously, thank you for that) please tell me what YOU would like to see happen with the characters by the end.

Not gonna lie, I already know what’s happening to everyone but I’d still enjoy your input.

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Mark Twain Quotes On Zombies #3

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“Never learn how to murder a zombie. If you don’t learn, you’ll become quite adept at getting others to murder zombies for you.”

Was the Old American West a safe place after it was zombed?

Certainly not. But having learned to tame this great land, Westerners were a hearty stock, and highly celebrated author Mark Twain was no exception.

Here are some observations about the undead he penned by candlelight after bashing a particularly gruesome zombie’s brains in with the business end of his walking stick.

  • “An Englishman is a person who does things because they have been done before. An American is a person who does things because they haven’t been done before. A zombie is a creature who will eat your brains, especially if your brains have never been eaten before.”
  • “Anyone who stops learning is old, whether twenty or eighty. Anyone who keeps learning stays young. The greatest thing you can do is keep your mind young. The second greatest thing you can do is to protect your mind from the chomping teeth of hideous zombies.”
  • “Do something every day that you don’t want to do. This is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain. For example, bash in the brains of twelve zombies before breakfast and you won’t have to worry about a zombie in the vicinity trying to eat your brains for the rest of the day.”
  • “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. In fact, health books rarely have much useful information about how to cure the effects of a zombie bite.”
  • “Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place. The feeling usually lasts until a wretched zombie drops in to cock it all up.”
  • “I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell. You see, I have friends in both places. I dare say I shall be sending more zombies to hell in the near future.”
  • “I have never taken any exercise other than sleeping, resting, and zombie murder.”
  • “In his private heart no man respects himself. Few zombies respect themselves either, what with the way they walk about at all hours of the night in various states of dress demanding to feed upon your brains.”
  • “New Orleans food is as delicious as the less criminal forms of sin. I suspect it is as delicious to us as our brains are to those infernal zombies.”
  • “It takes your enemy and your friend, working together, to hurt you: the one to slander you, and the other to get the news to you. Throw a zombie into the mix and you may even get your brains eaten.”
  • “There are several good protections against temptations, but the surest is cowardice. Cowardice can even serve as a protection against danger. I have never seen a coward get devoured by a zombie.”
  • “The history of our race, and each individual’s experience, are sown thick with evidence that a truth is not hard to kill and that a lie told well is immortal. Even more difficult to kill is a zombie wearing a helmet. Try as you may, you just can’t bash its miserable brains in, and good luck getting the insipid beast to take it off.”
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How the West Was Zombed – Discussion Question

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It dawns on me that Chapter 95 raises a potentially interesting discussion question for my 3.5 readers.

3.5 readers, suppose you are in the army, charged with blowing up a bridge to prevent hordes of zombies from crossing.

A crowd of people shows up.  You’re under orders from your superiors to shoot anyone who tries to cross.

To send them back means they will become zombie chow.

But, due to their being little knowledge about the zombie menace, it is possible you’ll be allowing the zombie menace to spread across the bridge by letting people cross.

Do you bend the rules and let them cross or stand firm, obey your orders, and refuse to let people cross?

Discuss.

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