DIRECTOR: ACTION!
Liddie Laurent, 1940’s Starlet of Stage and Screen
LIDDIE: Darling 3.5 readers! How lovely for you to be here today! I’m positively…no, this won’t do at all. Cease production posthaste!
DIRECTOR: CUT! What’s wrong, Liddie?
LIDDIE: I do not understand this scene at all, Mr. Chesterfield. This role is dreadful! Someone get my agent on the telephone machine immediately!
DIRECTOR: It’s just a commercial, Liddie.
LIDDIE: A commercial? A COMMERCIAL! Sir, I’ll have you know I was the leading lady in One Kiss Till Midnight and yet you’d think so little of a performer of my talents as to subject me to a life of hawking toothpaste and toiletries to the cheap and tawdry masses?
DIRECTOR: It’s not a commercial for toothpaste and toiletries.
LIDDIE: It might as well be! This is how it starts you know. One minute I’m the star of Tap Dance to Toolaroo and the next minute I’m peddling television dinners for lowly house fraus too lazy to cook for their husbands!
DIRECTOR: Come on Liddie, get it together. All right, people! Let’s take it from the top. In 3…
LIDDIE: Oh I simply cannot work under these conditions! The complaint I shall file on this production with the Thespian’s Society shall be copious and voluminous and another thing…
DIRECTOR: …2…1…ACTION!
LIDDIE: Darling 3.5 readers! How lovely for you to be here today! I’m positively delighted to see you. Come closer so I might tell you the wonderful news. Pop Culture Mysteries is available on Wattpad. Now, you’ll have a second option to…no. No! No! NO! This simply will not do Mr. Chesterfield!
DIRECTOR: CUT! Liddie, what now?
LIDDIE: “Wattpad?” What in the name of the Kaiser’s pointy helmet is a Wattpad? This is gibberish sir! I don’t know who the charlatan is who wrote this rubbish but whoever he is he should be put back on the hobo train from whence he came, never to darken my doorstep again!
DIRECTOR: Wattpad. Wattpad. It’s uh..
LIDDIE: You have no idea do you?
DIRECTOR: It’s 1949, Liddie! How am I supposed to know?
LIDDIE: How absolutely wretched! I’m being asked to sell something and I have no idea what it even is.
DIRECTOR: It’s a wattpad! You know, it’s a pad you rub on your feet when they’re itchy or something.
LIDDIE: Mr. Chesterton! For shame, sir! For shame! You dare drag me…me?! The star of Sunshine is for Lovers, all the way to this abysmal shack you call a set and ask me to sell foot pads! No! Never!
DIRECTOR: Liddie, not for nothing, but I’ve got a line around the block of a bunch of younger, prettier broads who’d step over their grandmothers for this part.
(LIDDIE WALKS ACROSS THE SET AND SLAPS THE DIRECTOR ACROSS THE FACE)
LIDDIE: The nerve! I’ll have you know I’m not a day over twenty-five or I’m a monkey’s uncle!
DIRECTOR: Someone get her a banana.
(ANOTHER SLAP THEN LIDDIE WALKS OFF)
LIDDIE: Bring my car around, Lattimore! I shan’t be treated in this shoddy manner! Wait until the scandal sheets learn that the star of Save Luck for a Rainy Day was treated like common riff raff!
Liddie Laurent. Coming soon to Pop Culture Mysteries…assuming we can get her to chill out and be cool.
Image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.
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