Tag Archives: actresses

BQB’s Ultimate 1990s Fap List

16-memes-buffy-hipstercool

Behold!  In no particular order, the list of babes I was tossing the old pickle around to while Bill Clinton was president:

#1 – Sarah Michelle Gellar – Buffy fap.

#2 – Britney Spears – Hit me baby one more fap.

#3 – Christina Applegate – Kelly Bundy fap.

#4 – Alicia Silverstone – Clueless Batgirl fap.

#5 – Jenna Jameson – First porn superstar fap.

#6 – Pamela Andersen – Baywatch fap.

#7 – Anna Nicole Smith – Ridiculously big bazongas.  RIP fap.  Too soon, too soon.

#8 – Britney Murphy – Another fap gone too soon.  Why, God, why?

#9 – Tia Carerre – Wayne’s World.  Deserved a longer career fap.  Should still be in movies now far.

#10 – Asia Carerre – Tia Carerre knockoff porn star fap.  Tia should have sued.

#11 – Jennifer Love Hewitt – Or as we called her in the 90s, “Jennifer Love Huge Tits.”  Ha! Now that’s good satire, fap.

#12 – Sandra Bullock – Speed fap.  Don’t let the bus slow down fap.  Hot chick but still approachable fap.

#13 – Drew Barrymore – Hollywood royalty fap.

#14 – Sharon Stone – First vagina in a major film fap.  Scares police detectives with her vagina fap.

#15 – Uma Thurman – Pulp Faption.

#16 – Kate Winslet – Killed Jack by hogging the board, got old, threw the necklace off the boat instead of selling it to help impoverished niece selfish bitch fap.

#17 – Jewel – Crooked teeth yet still hot fap.

#18 – Christina Aguilera – Hits the high notes fap.

#19 – Beyonce – I’m a survivor fap.  (Add in Kelly and Michelle for a Destiny’s Fap.)

#20 – Gwen Stefani – I’m just a girl fap.

#21 – Whitney Houston – I’m every woman fap.

#22  – Shania Twain – That doesn’t impress my fap much.

#23 – Reese Witherspoon – Cruel Faptentions.

#24 – Claire Danes – Romeo and Juliet.  “But soft, what light through yonder window faps?”

#25 – Michelle Williams – Town slut Jen Lindley fap.

#26 – The Spice Girls – “Oh, I’ll tell you what I fap, what I really, really fap!”

#27 – Winona Ryder – Goth fap.

#28 – Tiffani Amber Thiessen – Saved by the Fap Bell.  (We would have also accepted “Kelly Fapowski.”)

#29 – Katie Holmes – Girl next door fap.  Sigh, girl that got away fap.  Double sigh, girl wasted on Tom Cruise fap.

#30 – Cindy Crawford – Supermodel fap.

#31 – Jennifer Aniston – The Rachel fap.

#32 – Neve Campbell – Scream fap.

#33 – Paul Abdul – “Straight up now tell me, do you really wanna fap to me forever?”  SPOILER ALERT: Yes.

#34 – Julia Stiles – 10 Faps I Fap About You

#35 – Madonna – 1990s cone bra phase fap.

#36 – Julia Roberts – Steel Fapnolias

#37 – Fiona Apple – More like Fiona Fapple, am I right?

#38 – Monica Lewinsky – Brought down the leader of the free world with her fapworthiness.

#39 – Elizabeth Hurley – British fap

#40 – Yasmine Bleeth – Baywatch fap.

#41 – Lucy Lawless – Xena, Warrior Fap Princess

#42 – Jenny McCarthy – Singled Out fap.

#43 – Liv Tyler – Steve’s long lost daughter fap.  Also, Fappageddon.

#44 – Kerri Russell – Faplicity.

#45 – Shannon Elizabeth – American Pie fap.

#46 – Elizabeth Berkley – Showgirls fap.  (Seriously, like every 1990s boy including myself snuck out to the video store to rent that movie, secret it home under cover of darkness and slip it in the old VCR while Mom and Dad went to bed.)

#47 – Janet Jackson – Nasty boys, don’t even fap.  Oh you nasty boys.

#48 – Carmen Electra – Invented being famous for no reason long before Kim Kardashian did fap.

#49 – Charlize Theron – Gets more fappable with age.

#50 – Michelle Pfeiffer – Catwoman fap.

#51 – Cameron Diaz – There’s Something Fappable About Mary.

#52 – Denise Richards – Starship Fappers

#53 – Rebecca Gayheart – Noxzema fap.

#54 – Heather Graham – Roller Girl fap.

#55 – Alyssa Milano – Who’s the Boss of My Fap?  Charmed fap.

TO BE CONTINUED – Did I miss a fap worthy 1990s babe?  Add your favorites to the comments.

 

 

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Charlize Theron Complains Pretty People Turned Down For Roles

Oh geez.  Charlize I love you but…I…I can’t even.

Don’t be too hard on her.  I think I kind of know what she was trying to say but…it’s not something someone who looks like her should say.

Yes, yes we live in a country where there is freedom of speech but…come on.

I believe she’s making the argument that people shouldn’t be assumed to be dumb just because they’re pretty and ergo should be considered for roles for smart people but…I literally can’t count the number of times I’ve seen movies where geniuses, scientists, doctors, lawyers etc. were played by people who look like they spent more time in the gym than at school.

Is it fair that smart pretty people (i.e. those who were lucky enough to have beauty AND brains) are believed to be dumb?

No.  But it’s about as fair as it is that I, as an ugly man, could invent a cure for cancer and people would still look at me like I belong living under a bridge.

Between being pretty and assumed dumb or being ugly and assumed a bridge troll, I’ll pick the former every time.

Being assumed to be a dumb pretty person is a problem I would love to have.  Sure, I will be briefly sad for 3.5 seconds that everyone thinks I’m dumb and then I will cheer myself up by hanging out with one of the ten zillion people who won’t stop calling me with requests to hang out because I’m so dang pretty.

Sigh.  And Charlize…I never thought you were dumb…until now.  Now I’m concerned.

Lots of articles popping up on social media.  Here’s one from wetpaint.com

EDIT: Oh God I made the mistake of reading more:

CHARLIZE: “How many roles are out there for the gorgeous, f—king gown-wearing, eight-foot model?”

Every role, Charlize.  Like practically every movie every made has a hot blonde chick in it.   Don’t worry.  I’m pretty sure you’ll be ok.

CHARLIZE: “When meaty roles come through, I’ve been in the room, and pretty people get turned away first.”

Slaps my forehead.  You won an Oscar for playing an ugly woman.  They had to ugly you up with make-up and prosthetics and shit.  Pretty people play pretty people and holy shit, pretty people even play ugly people because Hollywood is winking to the audience, “Don’t worry audience, this ugly character is really being played by a pretty person with ugly makeup on!”

OK.  I just have to stop or I’ll complain all day.

#OscarsSoPretty

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#OscarsSoPretty

Just a reminder that I will not be watching the Oscars this year as once again the Academy has made it clear that the hideous are not welcome in Hollywood.

Notable snubs:

  • Steve Buscemi
  • Ron Perlman
  • John C. Reilly
  • Sandra Bernhard
  • Seth Rogen
  • Luis Guzman
  • Gary Busey

And the list goes on.

Ugly actors and actresses are tired of being typecast as hobgoblins, villains, trolls living under bridges, and the quirky friend that the leads in rom coms stand next to so they can look hotter.

We’re here.  We’re hideous.  Get used to it.  No longer will we shield our faces with the oppressive paper bags of society.  We will let our ugliness fly.

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BQB’s Oscar 2016 Predictions

BEST ACTOR

NOMINEES:

Bryan Cranston – Trumbo

Leonardo DiCaprio – The Revenant

Matt Damon – The Martian

Michael Fassbender – Steve Jobs

Eddie Redmayne – The Danish Girl

WHO WILL WIN: Leonardo DiCaprio for The Revenant

WHO SHOULD WIN: Leonard DiCaprio.  He’s young and still has plenty of time to win an Oscar ahead of him, but he also started his career young and has been working on Oscar worthy pictures for what seems like forever now.

Bryan Cranston is great and his Breaking Bad shot to super stardom late in life is a great Little Engine That Could story.  We all feel time’s hand on our shoulders, reminding us that we’re not here forever and if there’s something we want to do, we’d better do it.  Thus, we love Cranston because he reminds us its still always possible.  BUT – no one saw Trumbo.

Matt Damon was great but he’s already got an Oscar.  Even if its for screenwriting and he’d like one for acting, precedence should go to the guy who doesn’t have one yet, i.e. Leo.

Michael Fassbender – He’s great.  I didn’t see Steve Jobs but…how many Steve Jobs movies   have there been now?  He’ll have his chance.

Eddie Redmayne – I didn’t see the Danish Girl but…he won last year.

BEST ACTRESS 

I’m going to skip this one because I didn’t see any of the movies they were nominated for. I’ll just go with fan favorite Jennifer Lawrence for Joy until I get around to seeing the others’ movies.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Christian Bale – The Big Short

Mark Rylance – The Bridge of Spies

Tom Hardy – The Revenant

Sylvester Stallone – Creed

Mark Ruffalo – Spotlight

WHO WILL WIN AND WHO SHOULD WIN – Sylvester Stallone for Creed. He’s 70 years old. His Rocky movies have been fan favorites since the 1970’s, entertaining one generation after the next.  They’re all pretty much have the same message – life’s attempts to knock you down are unavoidable.  It’s not about whether or not you’ll get knocked down because you will.  It’s about whether you get up and keep going or lie down for the count that matters.

The original Rocky won best picture and Stallone’s been big in the movie business for years, though mostly as an action hero and we all know what the Academy thinks about action.  Its now or never and the Academy will reward him here.

Plus, I’ve seen Creed and given Rocky’s still the same old Rocky as always, its still not a bad movie.

ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

Totally not intentional, but I don’t know much about the movies and/or performances by the supporting actresses either.

I’m going to root for Jennifer Jason Leigh for Hateful Eight as we haven’t seen her in anything for awhile, but she was great back in the day.  I want to see Hateful Eight but haven’t gotten around to it.  She looks great in the previews though.

BEST ANIMATED FILM

I’ll go with Inside Out because I didn’t see the others and it was good.  Did anyone see Peanuts?  Was it any good? I’m surprised that one didn’t get a nomination.

BEST DIRECTOR

I’m going to go with George Miller for Mad Max: Fury Road.  His original Mad Max films are sci-fi classics and he pretty much invented the post-apocalyptic genre.  All these movies and TV shows about people wandering around in drab, post-society wastelands are thanks to him.  (Or, maybe thanks for giving us depression about the future, as the case may be.)

Plus, it couldn’t have been easy directing all those people in leather speedos jumping around willy nilly.

Which brings me to…

BEST PICTURE

NOMINEES

The Big Short – Haven’t seen it.

Bridge of Spies – Saw it.

Brooklyn – Haven’t seen it.

Mad Max: Fury Road – Saw it.

The Martian – Saw it.

The Revenant – Saw it.

Room – Haven’t seen it.

Spotlight – Haven’t seen it.

WHICH MOVIE WILL WIN – The smart money seems to be on Spotlight, a film about the Boston Globe investigative journalism team that uncovered child abuse allegations in the Boston area Catholic Church, which had major ramifications worldwide.  Critics seem to like it and it casts light on how journalists are the last resort to protect the public when government and social institutions fail.

If the Revenant won, I would not be surprised.  I liked it and it did have the feel of an Oscar winner.

WHICH MOVIE SHOULD WIN – Mad Max, Mad Max, and Mad Max.  I went into it thinking, “Oh boy, Hollywood’s cashing in on a remake of an old movie yet again.”  But it was so much more than that.  Messages about the future, how people interact with one another, mans’ primal instincts, women standing up for themselves (it’s called Mad Max but he’s pretty much Furiosa’s sidekick in this movie).

Great writing in that the story is told in many parts where no words are even spoken.  Amazing action, stunningly awesome special effects – a really great visually pleasing movie that overcomes a drab desert landscape.

But it won’t win.  It won’t win because the Oscars have always been to boost movies that Hollywood makes to get a message across or discuss a difficult subject.  Spotlight might be great but more people lined up on Saturday nights in December to watch lightsabers get swung around in Star Wars.  Not as many people lined up to watch actors pretend to be journalists in the middle of discussions as to how expose priests for wrongdoing.  (Not that that wasn’t important, but if we’re talking about what entertains people on a Saturday night…)

In other words, big blockbuster movies already got their reward in the form of a payday.  Lesser known but important message movies need the nominations and awards to get publicity so more people will see them and the studios make their money back so they can keep making less popular important message films.

That, and its action.  And sci-fi.  Action movies and sci-fi movies don’t get Oscars.  At least not for best picture.  They’ll never let something so comic book-ish win.  They’ll worry it will open the floodgates for every damn Avengers movie to sweep the Oscars in the future.  They can’t have that.

I could see some of these other movies and change my mind but IMO, of the ones I saw, Mad Max was the best, and not just on action but in story as well.

The Martian was also great.  If that won, I wouldn’t mind but hey, it was nominated.

Let that be an inspiration for you, 3.5 self publishing readers.

 

 

 

 

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And Now a Message from 1940’s Actress Liddie Laurent

DIRECTOR:  ACTION!

Liddie Laurent, 1940's Starlet of Stage and Screen

Liddie Laurent, 1940’s Starlet of Stage and Screen

LIDDIE:  Darling 3.5 readers!  How lovely for you to be here today!  I’m positively…no, this won’t do at all. Cease production posthaste!

DIRECTOR:  CUT!  What’s wrong, Liddie?

LIDDIE:  I do not understand this scene at all, Mr. Chesterfield.  This role is dreadful!  Someone get my agent on the telephone machine immediately!

DIRECTOR:  It’s just a commercial, Liddie.

LIDDIE:  A commercial?  A COMMERCIAL! Sir, I’ll have you know I was the leading lady in One Kiss Till Midnight and yet you’d think so little of a performer of my talents as to subject me to a life of hawking toothpaste and toiletries to the cheap and tawdry masses?

DIRECTOR: It’s not a commercial for toothpaste and toiletries.

LIDDIE: It might as well be! This is how it starts you know. One minute I’m the star of Tap Dance to Toolaroo and the next minute I’m peddling television dinners for lowly house fraus too lazy to cook for their husbands!

DIRECTOR: Come on Liddie, get it together. All right, people!  Let’s take it from the top.   In 3…

LIDDIE:  Oh I simply cannot work under these conditions! The complaint I shall file on this production with the Thespian’s Society shall be copious and voluminous and another thing…

DIRECTOR: …2…1…ACTION!

LIDDIE: Darling 3.5 readers! How lovely for you to be here today! I’m positively delighted to see you.  Come closer so I might tell you the wonderful news. Pop Culture Mysteries is available on Wattpad. Now, you’ll have a second option to…no.  No!  No!  NO! This simply will not do Mr. Chesterfield!

DIRECTOR: CUT! Liddie, what now?

LIDDIE: “Wattpad?”  What in the name of the Kaiser’s pointy helmet is a Wattpad? This is gibberish sir! I don’t know who the charlatan is who wrote this rubbish but whoever he is he should be put back on the hobo train from whence he came, never to darken my doorstep again!

DIRECTOR: Wattpad.  Wattpad.  It’s uh..

LIDDIE:  You have no idea do you?

DIRECTOR: It’s 1949, Liddie! How am I supposed to know?

LIDDIE: How absolutely wretched!  I’m being asked to sell something and I have no idea what it even is.

DIRECTOR: It’s a wattpad! You know, it’s a pad you rub on your feet when they’re itchy or something.

LIDDIE: Mr. Chesterton! For shame, sir! For shame! You dare drag me…me?! The star of Sunshine is for Lovers, all the way to this abysmal shack you call a set and ask me to sell foot pads! No! Never!

DIRECTOR: Liddie, not for nothing, but I’ve got a line around the block of a bunch of younger, prettier broads who’d step over their grandmothers for this part.

(LIDDIE WALKS ACROSS THE SET AND SLAPS THE DIRECTOR ACROSS THE FACE)

LIDDIE: The nerve! I’ll have you know I’m not a day over twenty-five or I’m a monkey’s uncle!

DIRECTOR: Someone get her a banana.

(ANOTHER SLAP THEN LIDDIE WALKS OFF)

LIDDIE: Bring my car around, Lattimore! I shan’t be treated in this shoddy manner! Wait until the scandal sheets learn that the star of Save Luck for a Rainy Day was treated like common riff raff!

Liddie Laurent. Coming soon to Pop Culture Mysteries…assuming we can get her to chill out and be cool.

Image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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