Bookshelf Battle

By:  Dr. Hugo Von Science, Advanced Science Institute

Dr. Hugo Von Science

Guten Tag, Herr 3.5 Readers!

Dr. Hugo Von Science here mit mein column, “You Can’t Argue with Science!”  Go on, mein leipshin.  Try to argue with a DNA helix.  You’ll be there all day and you vill get nowhere.  It is not worth it.

Perhaps you remember me from one of mein amazing inventions:

• The Black Hole-a-fier – Annoyed by an uninvited guest?  Simply point this device at the dummkopf, press a button and voila!  A black hole opens in your living to transport your rude visitor to the outer boundaries of time undt space.  Works especially well on door-to-door salesmen, those people who knock on your door at 6 am to try to hand you a copy of The Watchtower undt also late pizza deliverymen.  Mein anchovies are cold?  To the opposite side of the cosmos with you!
• The Cat Cannon – With all the strays wandering about, why not put herr kitzen katzens to work?  I’ve already sold a million of these bad boys to the army.  Load them up, press the tigger and it shoots a hundred angry felines directly at your enemy’s face.
• Shakespearization Ear Phones – Makes all dummies sound like they are speaking exactly like das bard.

Undt last but not least:

• The De-Ozonizer – Muah ha ha!  Yes!  Yes!  Bow down to me, or I shall use mein invention to remove what’s left of Earth precious ozone layer and…woopsie!  Sorry mein leipshin, this one is still in development.  I’ve said too much.

Anyhow, the Dementor Wasp!  Have you feasted your eyes on this newly discovered species, Herr 3.5 Readers?

Auch dun lieber! It’s uglier than Das Yeti!

As avid book readers, surely you must have heard of the dementors from J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter books, yes?  The dementors would suck away young wizards’ souls and leave them shells of their formers selves, able to walk about but still under the dementor’s control, veritable zombie slaves if you will.

(Perhaps they could be called the Night King Wasp after the last Game of Thrones, yes Herr 3.5?)

This is a case where science and literature have come together to name this recently discovered insect.

What does this little beasty do?  It finds a scrumptious cockroach and injects a poison into said roach’s belly.  The victim is left still able to move but unable to control its movement.  The wasp than grabs hold of the roach’s antennae and drags it off to a location where it can have a roach feast.

Have you ever had one of those lawnmowers that you push but the lawnmower has the ability to push its own wheels so you’re not over exerting yourself?  That’s pretty much what’s happening here, mein leipshin.  The dementor wasp separates a cockroach’s mind from its motor skills, but then guides the still walking roach/lunch to its impending doom.

What can I say?  I guess wasps aren’t too picky about their snacks.

“Ampulex dementor” is the official name of this species.  If you aren’t disgusted yet, you can read more about this naughty bug in this Washington Post article.

Oh, mein leipshin, I’m sorry…I meant to say this at the beginning – DON’T READ THIS ARTICLE IF YOU’VE JUST EATEN!

Mein bad, Herr 3.5.  Mein bad.

Dr. Hugo Von Science is a Distinguished Professor of Science at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University.  He has patented over a bazillion inventions and may or may not be attempting to conquer the world in his spare time.  His column, “You Can’t Argue with Science” is a recurring feature on the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

Dementor wasp image via Wikimedia.org courtesy of a Creative Commons License