Tag Archives: civil war

A Brief History of the Second American Civil War

statue-53321__340

It began in 2017 and lasted until 2030.  By the end of the gruesome conflict, over a hundred thousand protestors on various sides of the political spectrum and with little more to do than go out and hold signs about their individual causes while their poor oppressed parents footed the bill, would be dead.

Millions more Americans who just wanted to turn on the TV and not see outbreaks of tomfoolery would be severely annoyed.

What, you might ask, was the Second American Civil War over, you might ask?

It was over what to do with the monuments dedicated to the First American Civil War that ended approximately 160 years ago.  Yeah.  We know.  Stop shaking your head.

It all began with General Toke-It-All Jackson, the unemployed and unemployable pot fan/purple haired fifth level otherkin hipster leader of the Social Justice Brigade.  “As nothing as my witness, because the idea of a God is oppressive to atheists everywhere, I will never allow a statue of some old racist fuck sit in a park while no one gives a shit while his head gets pooped on by pigeons ever again!”

And so the Social Justice Brigade marched through the South, using their limited upper body strength to pull down one statue of a traitorous rebel racist fucker after another, rather than, you know, maybe just submit a proposal to the local city governments to ask that the statues be removed through the democratic process and be put into museums where nerdy Civil War re-enactors can continue to delay losing their virginity by master bating all over these monuments to a failed effort to double-cross the United States of America.

Meanwhile, the Modern Southerners would not stand for this.  Their leader, General Hushpuppy Beauregard, who sounded very similar to Foghorn Leghorn, publicly said, “We Modern Southerners do not see these statues as a tribute to racism, but rather, as a tribute to our ancestors.  Why, my Great Great Great Great Great Great Grandpappy Rufus Beauregard was General Lee’s personal horn blower.  Why, old Grandpappy blew General Lee’s horn long and hard, sometimes slowly, sometimes fast, always being sure to use plenty of tongue and not any teeth and sometimes for hours on necessary if need be.  He looked clean and crisp and respectable in his uniform and we are all proud of Grandpappy’s service.”

When pressed on the fact that the Confederacy was set up to continue the wretched institution of slavery, General Hushpuppy said, “I do declare sir, we Modern Southerners are not racist at all.  We love black folk just fine and want to see them do well and get good jobs and be successful and have good lives and I suppose if our daughters bring one of them home we will begrudgingly acknowledge them and then yell at our dumb wives for telling our dumb daughters for this is somehow ok but regardless, we bear black folk no ill will.  In our minds, the Civil War has been homogenized in pop culture and the hundreds of Civil War films we have seen just display the conflict as a disagreement between two sides of gentlemen gone awry.  Those movies rarely mention the slavery aspect or if they do, they don’t focus too hard on it.  I add that I am no racist sir for I have all of Jay-Z’s songs on my iPhone and I masterbate to the sight of Beyoncé’s luxurious rear end at all times.”

When pressed again, General Hushpuppy added, “Look, we love black folk, but we like to brandish our Confederate memorabilia from time to time to remind those uppity Northern folk that if they keep trying to switch our barbecue ribs for kale and our pick-up trucks for Priuses and our shootin’ irons for therapy, we’ll split off from the country and by God, we’ll do it right this time.”

But it wasn’t that easy.  There were two more sides.  Next, there were the Racist Manboys.  These dudes were all kind of chubby.  Some were Nazis who, like their hero, Hitler, were trying to compensate for small penises.  Some were Ku Klux Klansmen who stole their mothers’ bedsheets and cut eyeholes in them, leaving their mothers to cry, “This is why we can’t have nice things!”

Their leader, General Honkey von Cracker, said, “The white man is better and more smarter and interesting-er than all the other mongrel races and I do be the one who should be knowing this as I took ten years to grad-u-a-mate from night school GED class.  I would have done it sooner but one time a black man cut me in line at the Burger Hut and I seethed with rage over it for years.  I’m not still quite over it but with therapy I have faith I will be.”

The Racist Manboys really, really, really loved the statues of Confederates because they often fantasized about traveling back in time just so they could join the confederacy and fight in a war to oppress black people.  The Racist Manboys divide their time between efforts to build a time machine that will allow them to travel back to the 1860s so they might join the Confederacy and to lobby for laws that will make slavery legal again because the only way they will ever be laid is if it becomes legal to kidnap hot black chicks and hold them against their will.

Finally, there was one last group of non-combatants, the People Who Had Shit to Do.  Ironically, their leader was an African American by the name of Fred Wilbur, who said, “How in the Hell do all you people have so much time on your damn hands that you can go out in the middle of a weekday and beat the shit out of each other over a bunch of statues of some racist white folk from the 1800s?  I mean, holy shit, as a taxpayer, I don’t like to see my taxes go toward the upkeep of a statue of some ass face who wanted to keep me in chains, but shit, I have a wife and kids.  I have bills to pay and mouths to feed.  I work a day job, a night job, and a weekend job.  I got three Goddamn jobs and you weirdoes don’t have any.  Get a job, get Jesus in your life.  I mean, shit, I don’t like the statues but if all you dumbass white people are just going to beat the shit out of each other then fuck it, just let the pigeons shit all over those dumb old statues of those racist pricks until the end of time.”

And so the battle raged on for 13 years as the three sides fought one another while people with jobs like Fred would just come home after work, pop open a beer, curse at all the idiots without jobs then rent a movie on pay per view, preferably one with a lot of action and chicks with big ass titties.

Finally, the war ended when a peaceful solution was offered.  The Confederate statues would remain, but statues of freed black slaves rogering statues of the white wives of the Confederate soldiers would be erected next to the Confederate statues.  All were happy by this compromise which, ironically, was proposed by President Bookshelf Q. Battler, the greatest president America has ever had ever and will also ever have.

Everything was good for awhile until the Third World War broke out in 2034.  That one was over whether or not to get rid of statues of George Washington, not because of the fact that he was a slave owner, but because George, as was the custom in his day, wore a gray haired wig to make him look older and wiser as elders were respected for their wisdom at the time.  Alas, by 2034, youth took over the world and anyone over 35 was required to sit down on an iceberg and be floated off to sea.  No one with gray hair was ever seen again and anyone who used to have gray hair in the past was considered a piece of shit who had to be erased from history.

Finally, in the year 2200, the Fourth American Civil War broke out over the proposed removal of statues of JFK, FDR, Abraham Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, President Flava Flav and President Bookshelf Q. Battler.

You see, by the year 2200, a pill was invented that made it so people don’t have to shit anymore.  Yes, by taking this pill, humans were able to absorb all necessary nutrients from their foods without producing poop.  Anyone pre-2200 who never took this pill was considered a dirty pooping Neanderthal.

Thus, a great debate began.  Yes, JFK, FDR, Lincoln, Roosevelt, President Flava Flav and President Battler had all done great things.  In fact, President BQB provided all men with free sex robots, which made them happy because they were never without sex again and their wives happy because they didn’t have to suffer their smelly husbands flopping on top of them ever again.

However, all these men pooped, and so, the Anti-Poop front declared that any traces of anyone who ever took a shit had to be erased from history as they were dirty pooping savages.

That was the last American Civil War.  After that, America, like the rest of Earth, was conquered by an alien race.  The population of the entire world was wiped out and the aliens used the planet to store their excess tennis shoes.

Later, a war would break out amongst the aliens over a statue of an alien wearing tennis shoes when it was decided that dock siders were much more stylish.

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Movie Review – Captain America: Civil War

So an elderly patriot, his elderly friend with a metal arm, a guy who can fly, a rich guy in a metal suit, his war hero friend in a metal suit, a prince in a cat suit, a witch with mind control powers, a British living robot, a kid who was bitten by a radioactive spider, a Russian assassin, a dude who’s handy with a bow and arrow, and a man who can make himself the size of an ant walk into a bar…

AND THEN THEY FIGHT!

BQB here with a review of the long awaited Captain America: Civil War.

Don’t go to war over the SPOILERS that you’ll be reading if you scroll down any further.

Can’t we all just get along?

Apparently not.  It’s been a rough year for superhero friendships.

Why, back in March Batman and Superman played their own game of Rock’em Sock’em robots and the more I think about it, the more I realize what a stinker of a turd that flick was.

Jesse Eisenberg as Lex Luthor. What the shit, man? What the shit indeed.

Luckily, unlike DC and Warner Brothers, the fine folks at Marvel and Disney refused to serve us up a stinky turdburger.

I don’t want to spoil too much of the plot, but suffice to say all of those buildings the Avengers inadvertently smashed up during their battles with various aliens, robots, and/or assorted evil buttholes have finally caught up with them.

The general public has had it with all the collateral damage and they demand that “Earth’s Mightiest Heroes” submit to UN oversight.

Iron Man is for it. The Avengers have too much power and the public will only trust them if they’re being watched.  Perhaps it is their power that is causing evildoers to challenge them in the first place.

Captain America is against it. Collateral damage will happen during war, no matter who they answer to.  Blame the bad guys who start the wars, not those who are trying to stop them. He fears submission to a political body will allow politics to intervene in the Avengers’ missions and ultimately, the plan is little more than an exercise in assigning blame when things go wrong.

In the middle of it all, a mysterious enemy frames Cap’s best pal Bucky “the Winter Soldier” Barnes, and it turns into a slug fest between the man in the red metal suit and the man in the star spangled pajamas.

Old favorites like Spiderman, Ant Man, Scarlett Witch, War Machine, the Vision, Falcon etc. come into play.

Newly introduced to the screen are Crossbones and Black Panther, each with their own modus operandi.

Alas, Thor and the Incredible Hulk sit this one out. Boo.

Perhaps when the film has been out longer, I’ll opine more on this next subject but for now, if you’re a deep thinker like yours truly, you might start to wonder if the whole film isn’t one being allegory to the plight the U.S. has faced over terrorism since 9/11.

In other words, half the country is like Iron Man. Let’s take a step back and try to play nice with everyone.

Half the country is like Captain America. F them they blew us up. If they get mad at us for blowing them up then they should have thought of that before they blew us up and collateral damage is the fault of the people who blew us up.

Both arguments have their pros and cons.  Sadly, just like Cap and Iron Man, Americans used to be a bit friendlier to one another prior to the turn of the millennium.

Now you don’t have to look much further than your Facebook feed during an election year to see people who should be buddies trading the verbal equivalent of Iron Man’s hand blasters and Captain America’s frisbee shield throws at one another.

Let’s try to get along people because we’re all we have, after all.

And besides, isn’t all this infighting what the aliens, or the robots or the bad guys in funny costumes (or in real life, the terrorists) wanted all along?

Am I thinking too much? Don’t worry. The movie doesn’t require you to think that much if you don’t want to. You can just sit back and watch all the pretty colors and scary explosions if you prefer.

There are times when there are so many characters on screen that it is hard to pay attention to what’s going on with everyone. There’s the rub with these multiple hero plots. Sometimes everyone gets so much time there isn’t enough for everyone on an individual level.

Even so, Marvel/Disney crafted an intricate, satisfying plot with a multitude of heroes whereas DC/Warner Brothers only had to deal with three heroes (Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman) and in the end, delivered us a big juicy crap sandwich.

Damn it. Batman vs. Superman really sucked, didn’t it?

Spiderman’s addition to the team is adorable.  Black Panther shines as the latest hero.

And I’m not sure how they did it, perhaps with a combo of makeup and CGI, but there are scenes with a young Tony Stark that bring us a Robert Downey Jr. who looks a lot like he did in his Saturday Night Live days.

Not to keep dumping on Batman vs. Superman (because to dump on a dump would be redundant) but Marvel/DC took their time, built up all the characters, developed their back stories, made us care about them, and this movie is a pay off for anyone who’s invested their time in the franchise.

DC’s challenge was that there have already been so many Batman and Superman movies to begin with. Fine, but there still could have been a better plot leading up to the Man of Steel’s battle royale with the Dark Knight.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

 

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Bookshelf Battle Inspires #BookshelfBattles


The “Remembering Barbara Mertz” Blog, inspired by the never-ending wars waged on my magic bookshelf, shared a few pictures featuring “bookshelf battles” involving some of Barbara’s favorite characters.

Barbara was a prolific writer, whose pen names included Elizabeth Peters and Barbara Michaels.

For more info, check out Barbara’s wikipedia page.

If I have to pick my favorite, it’d be this one:

mertz-interiors-009

– Photo from the “Remembering Barbara Mertz Blog.”

Mighty Jabba visits Egypt.  I like it.  And that green pig guard guy (quick one of you Star Wars nerds tell me what those green pig guard guys are called!) looks like something heavy got dropped on him.

SPOILER ALERT – The “guy” with the brown breather mask at the top right is actually Princess Leia in disguise.  Shh.  Don’t tell anyone.

You can see the others through the link above.  There are some “bookshelf battles” inspired by Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, more Star Wars, etc.

Personally, I’ve always been freaked out by Peter Jackson’s interpretation of Gollum.  I left those movies thinking Gollum was going to attack me in my sleep and demand his precious.  But maybe that’s a sign of Jackson’s special effects prowess.

You might remember awhile back, Liam Kozma, another one of my 3.5 readers, tweeted this picture of the North and South battling over the Mason Dixon Line on his bookshelf:

CGW46KCUYAEcden

So 3.5 readers, let me ask you this…

Can this become a thing?

Assemble your favorite toys on your bookshelves and tweet them to #bookshelfbattles and they’ll get retweeted and posted here.

If you don’t have twitter, just put the link in the comments on one of my posts.

What’s that Attorney Donnelly?  Oh right, obviously if your picture is naughty or salacious or something then yeah, it probably won’t meet this site’s stringent criteria etc etc.

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Check Out this Bookshelf Battle…

Bookshelf Battles.  They’re raging out of control.  BQB apparently isn’t the only one with a shelf full of tiny folk run amuck.

@bookshelfbattle follower Liam Kozma (@LKozma) submitted this photo of a Civil War battle for control of his bookshelf:

Is there anything interesting happening on your bookshelf?  Tweet the photographic evidence to @bookshelfbattle and you never know, it might end up here on this revered website for the viewing pleasure of 3.5 readers.

Tagged , , , , , , , ,