“Hey baby, wanna crinkle my foil?”
He seemed like such a sweet guy when you met him. Alas, it wasn’t until after you fell for him that he started checking your purse for radio transmitters.
Ladies, is your man living in constant fear of “The Man?”
From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Conspiracy Theorist:
10. He owns a vast selection of tin foil hats, which he maintains prevent the government and/or aliens from reading his mind. You’re not able to stop him from wearing his tin foil baseball cap out in public, but he’s not unreasonable. He has agreed to stop wearing it backwards once he turns thirty.
9. It isn’t easy to take him to a dinner party. Your friends want to talk about movies, music and gossip. He wants to talk about how Hitler and Bigfoot worked together on the JFK assassination and that this would be common knowledge were it not for the fact that the news media is controlled by a race of worm people disguised as human journalists.
8. You can’t park your car in the garage. He has it filled with a set made up to look like the Moon in an effort to prove that the Moon landing was a fake.
7. Never takes you anywhere nice anymore. Too busy writing a blog filled with nonsense for the benefit of 3.5 readers. (I know what you are thinking but BQB is not a conspiracy theorist. His tales about aliens, yetis and the zombie attack on East Randomtown are entirely true.)
6. Once in awhile he pokes you in the shoulder for no reason other than to make sure you aren’t a hologram. The Man, as he will explain, has been known to infiltrate the operations of those who are onto him by enlisting the aid of hologram girlfriends.
5. Never goes to the doctor. Convinced all doctors are trying to put a spy camera in his butt.
4. All dates need to start an hour early so he can sweep your car for bugs, listening devices, and crumbs. The first two are signs of lunacy. The last one? Well, that’s really your fault, you slob. Stop eating donuts in the car.
3. You’d ask him how his day was, but it is getting harder and harder not to dump him every time he swears that he is “so close” to proving that Elvis didn’t die but rather left to rule over a benevolent race of half-man/half-lizards who will one day land on Earth and show us the path toward inner peace. So, you know, he’s not all doom and gloom.
2. Bonus: It’s easy to get him to do chores around the house. Just point out to him that the government might think something is up if they see him just lying around doing nothing and that he’d better start taking out the trash and washing some windows to trick the Feds into thinking everything’s hunky dory.
- Saves your toe nail clippings in the hopes of cloning you when the aliens take you away to toil in their intergalactic mines. Is this psychotic or sweet? You be the judge. They’re your toe nail clippings, after all.
Bookshelf Battle 