He’ll pay attention to you as soon as he leaves his invisible box.
Ladies, were you dating hipsters before it was cool?
Have you dated hipsters before but you doubt we would have heard of them?
You’ll get those witches, my pretty, and then you can tell all your dawgs too!
For some reason, my post about witch pick up lines is popular. Apparently, there are lots of dudes out there trying to find a witch. So ladies, if you dabble in the occult, know that there are eligible bachelors out there looking for you to cast a spell on them.
Your butt. You must protect it from danger at all times.
Has your butt been probed by aliens from another world?
3.5 readers, there was once a time when you had to lug a fat ass jug of liquid washing machine soap from the store to your home and then dump a quantity of that jug into your machine whenever you wanted to wash your clothes…LIKE A GODDAMN CAVEMAN!
But then, thanks to SCIENCE, Tide pods were invented. They’re little plastic doo-dads filled with just enough soap for a load of laundry. While you were expected to measure out the soap you were pouring, literally no one, and I mean NO ONE ever did that, so you’d either dump too little soap or a shit ton of soap but these pods let you throw in just enough.
But now, their are big dumb dummies who are eating them Stop eating Tide pods, dummies.
From BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Eat Tide Pods:
#1 – They are poisonous.
#2-10 – They are poisonous.
BONUS REASON TO NOT EAT TIDE PODS: YOU WILL DIE!
Don’t eat Tide pods, 3.5 readers.
Ahh, alleged perverts! They are so allegedly perverted in their alleged perversions. And for legal reasons, we have to always say they are “alleged” perverts because we weren’t there at the time of the alleged perversions but I mean, yeah, it does kinda sound like they were perving it up…allegedly.
Alleged perverts seem to be in great supply these days. Every day there’s a new allegation of perversion against a famous celebrity you thought you knew and trusted and invited into your home via your TV screen for so many years.
Ladies, I don’t want to alarm you, but I think it’s pretty safe to assume that literally everyone, and I mean everyone, every man around you is an alleged pervert, thinking about engaging in unscrupulous behaviors with your lady business at all times. I mean “every man” might be a bit too strong, but apparently its more than we thought, at least where celebrities are concerned.
So without further ado, ladies, pack your pepper spray and pop those keys out between your knuckles because from BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Alleged Pervert Moves for Ladies to Watch Out For:
#10 – The Alleged Al Franken Photographed Booby Grab
Our legal system is bizarre that even when there’s photographic evidence of the alleged perversion, we still must call the alleged pervert an alleged pervert, but hey, that’s the way the cookie crumbles.
HOW TO COMBAT: To determine if a man is an unwanted booby grabber, pretend you are sleeping. When the alleged pervert comes in, trying to grab your boobies with a buddy to snap a photo, wake up instantly and taze the alleged booby grabber in the nuts, while shouting, “You’re not good enough, you’re not smart enough and doggone it, people don’t like you!”
#9 – He’s Allegedly Asked to Masturbate in Front of You
I mean, if you’re in a committed relationship and he likes to crank one out in front of you and you don’t mind, fine. Personally, I think y’all should be taking turns grabbing each others’ parts, otherwise, what’s the point of the relationship if everyone’s grabbing themselves?
But other than in a committed relationship, dudes shouldn’t be asked to slap around the old salami in your presence.
HOW TO COMBAT: Ladies, we here at BQB HQ call this move the “Louis CK” maneuver so watch out for it. If a dude asks to jerkoff, just tell him he’s an actual jerkoff then run away, preferably with your arms flailing about wildly as you shout, “Alleged pervert!” so that all ladies in the vicinity know to stay away from the alleged pervert.
#8 – “The Kaiser Soze”
People, the good news is its no longer a stigma to admit you are gay. The bad news for alleged perverts is no one is going to give you a medal when you try to distract folks from the allegation by being all like, “I’m coming out as gay.” Good for you, you’re gay, but that doesn’t give you a free pass to try to force yourself on anyone, adult or underage….allegedly of course.
We call this move “The Kaiser Soze” because like the infamous Soze, a human chameleon who was able to blend in and change his identity, once played by alleged pervert Kevin Spacey, the alleged pervert tries to take the allegation and twist the response to seek accolades for admitting to being gay, whenever gay people are all like, “Dude don’t try to use being gay as an excuse for allegedly jumping on a kid because gay dudes have been trying to defeat the stereotype that gayness = pedophilia for years.”
HOW TO COMBAT: Yes, ladies aren’t the only ones who have to look out for alleged perverts. Young male thespians, if an older male thespian attempts to ravage you, simply kick him in the leg until he limps like Verbal, then alert the public so this once great thespian from any and all future gigs…including “House of Cards.” I mean, I was a fan of that show and the show will have a shitty ending now but so be it, we cannot support alleged perverts by awarding them undeserved roles.
#7 – Used the Phrase, “I Asked Their Mothers for Permission” (Allegedly)
No! No, alleged pervert and senatorial candidate from Alabama Roy Moore! Quote unquote “asking mothers for permission” does not excuse perversion allegations! Bad alleged pervert! You’re a very bad alleged pervert!
HOW TO COMBAT: Moms, if an adult male politician asks permission to date your underage daughter, please perform multiple roundhouse kicks to his nuts. Don’t just say yes, even if it is 1970s era Alabama. That’s not cool. Call the police too.
#6 – Allegedly Slipping the Mickey to Allegedly Slip in the Pudding Pop
I’ll never look at pudding pops again thanks to alleged pervert Bill Cosby. By the way, does anyone know if pudding pops still exist? If anyone is going to the grocery store today, stop by the freezer aisle and let me know if you see any because I remember those things and they were effing delicious and frankly, I don’t see why a tasty frozen treat has to suffer just because its 1980s era spokesman underwent perversion allegations.
HOW TO COMBAT: Guard your drinks, ladies. Always guard your drinks. You know, someone should invent a little locking drink cover with a pass code or something that goes over drink cups to avoid slipped mickeys. Then again, the engineering logistics to find one cover that fits all…maybe the bars could provide them based on the drink cups they use.
There you go bars. Invent this and you can be all like, “Our drinks are rape drug proof!”
I don’t know. Sorry ladies. I guess until they invent that shit you’re going to have to bring your drinks into the bathroom while you pee. As long as you don’t pee in the drink by accident it should be ok.
#5 – The Alleged Casting Couch
Is your boyfriend allegedly demanding women touch and or do other unsavory activities with his John Thomas in exchange for movie roles? This move is “The Alleged Harvey Weinstein.”
Admit it. We always sort of knew that “the casting couch” scenario was a real thing in Hollywood. No one goes anywhere in Tinsel Town without catching a few unwanted dongs I guess. As POTUS 45 would say, “It’s sad. It’s really sad.”
HOW TO COMBAT: Tape record all casting couch sessions. When the alleged pervert demands his wiener be touched for a part, just play the tape and let him know which parts you want for the next 30 years.
#4 – The Alleged Pussy Grab
Speaking of POTUS 45, our esteemed Commander in Chief was caught on tape talking about grabbing women by the pussy and then a bunch of women came out to say they had been grabbed. POTUS 45 denies it, his allegers allege he’s a pervert. I don’t know, ladies, all I can say is that if your boyfriend is talking about grabbing pussies he could very well be an alleged pervert.
HOW TO COMBAT: If your pussy is grabbed by a business tycoon with a bad rug, rip off the rug and wave it around in the air.
#3 – The Alleged Mr. Sulu
Audio has surfaced of George Takei on the Howard Stern show, talking about grabbing, how shall we put this, the wieners of reluctant dudes. Look, dudes either want their wieners grabbed or they don’t. George claims that this was all in good fun and he was kidding around on a comedy show but…I don’t know…I’d still advise dudes to watch their wieners around Mr. Sulu just to be safe.
HOW TO COMBAT: Always guard your wiener. Men, wear a jock strap and a cup when meeting any celebrity.
#2 – The Steven Seagal Leather Pants Fly Unzip
Ladies, we here at BQB HQ would never blame the woman for being sexually harassed. Men should always be held responsible for their inappropriate behavior. That being said, a word of advice, if you ever see a man wearing leather pants, do run as fast as you can in the opposite direction. No good has ever come out (pun intended) of a pair of cowhide trousers.
HOW TO COMBAT: If you’re invited to a meeting and a pair of pants is unzipped, you’ll have to go with your fight or flight response. You can flee and run out the door, or fight and use some Steven Seagal karate chops on the unzipped area.
#1 – The Lewinsky
Ahh, the alleged (is he really still alleged?) pervert that started it all, the esteemed President William Jefferson Clinton. Damn, did that guy like pussy, so much so that he became the second POTUS in US history to go through impeachment proceedings over it.
Imagine what went through Bill’s mind. “Well…I’m only one of 40 some odd people out of millions and millions to be chosen to lead America and my name will go down in history forever but, you know, I might fuck this all up by turning an intern into a humidor. Oh yeah, baby, don’t stop thinkin’ bout tomorrow. No, don’t worry Hillary, this won’t fuck up your shit in 20 years.”
HOW TO COMBAT: Um…apparently the only way is to wait 20 years and then the media is all like, “Oh OK, maybe it was kind of a big deal that the POTUS was an alleged pervert.”
DISCLAIMER: This post is just for fun. I am not categorically stating any of these people are actual perverts. I wasn’t there. I’m just repeating what I hear on the news. Further, no one should take the parts where I say “How to Combat” as actual advice. I’m no legal expert but yeah, it’s always best to extricate yourself from any uncomfortable situation without resorting to violence if possible. Consult an actual lawyer though if you want to know how to best respond to alleged pervert assaults, because I’m just joking around here and nothing I say should be taken seriously.
It’s the end of the world…but that doesn’t mean it has to be the end of your love life.
Let’s face it. Anyone could be eaten by a brain biting bastard any second. So, I mean, even though you’re a total CHUD and weren’t able to pick up pussy with a handle in real life, you might be able to score with a chick during the end of days. After all the fear of death around any corner is a total turn-on.
So, from BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Ways to Pick Up Chicks During a Zombie Apocalypse:
#10 – Tell her you are sorry her husband was eaten by a zombie.
Maybe you are actually sorry her husband was chomped. Maybe you liked the guy. Maybe you thought he was a dick and cheered the zombie on. Maybe you were jealous that such a big doofus had such a hot wife, so you pushed the prick right in the way of those undead choppers. Doesn’t matter. She’s sad her man is dead, so be a gentleman, give he some condolences and wait at least until sundown before you make a move. Any earlier than that is disrespectful to the dead, unless her husband became a zombie after he gotten bitten. In that case, fuck that guy, because he’s a damn zombie now and he deserves no human pussy.
#9 – Lie About Your Heroic Feats
Your mother told you not to lie? Oh, that’s adorable. :::slaps you::: Bitch, get real! The newspapers are out of business and no one’s keeping score, so feel free to embellish your resume.
NO – “I have been hiding in my closet with a baseball bat for three years, leaving occasionally to pee.”
YES – “I single handedly saved 100 orphans by fending off 1,000 zombies with nothing but a bottle opener and a toothpick. I then taught the orphans kung fu and trained them into a vicious zombie army and together, we kicked the heads off of 10,000 zombies. I then found a town that was being abused by a cruel dictator. So, I told him to leave or I kick his face off with a roundhouse kick. He refused to leave, so I indeed removed his face with a kick. All the women of the village were so turned on that they allowed me to impregnate them. In short, I kill at least 500 zombies a day before breakfast and I have saved the lives of 500,000 people.”
#8 – Share your rations.
Bitches love rations.
#7 – Pay women to spread rumors of your sexual prowess.
Women will often ignore a guy until they hear another woman wants him. It’s called having stank on your hang-low. So, just give some extra rations to some ladies and tell them there’s more where that came from if they tell every woman they meet about the hot time you had together.
#6 – Punch the biggest guy in the survivor camp in the face.
Chicks dig manliness.
#5 – Be fashionable.
Free shopping in all clothing stores. There is no excuse for your tired ass look now.
#4 – Grow some shit.
It’s the zombie apocalypse, bitch. Po-po has more to worry about than your herb garden. Get yourself a green thumb and become a weed farmer. Bitches love weed, especially during a zompoc. Helps them get their minds off of potentially being eaten by zombies.
#3 – Get some ringer zombies.
Like, don’t take on some strong ass zombies who were weightlifters in their previous lives. Get a couple of slow, fat zombies, turn them lose and karate chop their heads off. All the babe will see is that you saved her ass and won’t realize that these were ringer zombies. Never be too proud to fix a human vs. zombie fight.
#2 – Lie about your past.
Remember #9? Guess what? There are no fact checkers in the zombie apocalypse, so feel free to lie about your past too.
NO: Baby, I was a jizz mopper at a gentlemen’s club.
YES: Baby, I was a NAVY seal. I killed 10,000 men with my pinky finger.
RULE OF THUMB: Smarter the babe, the more realistic the lie. If you’re a flabby fat fuck, a smart babe will not believe you were a NAVY seal. But that’s OK. You can just tell her you had your own Silicon Valley startup company and made a fortune. Hell, promise her if the government and economy are ever restored, you’ll share some of your dough with her. (Don’t worry. People are lazy as fuck. It’ll take like thousands of years for the government to be restored, so you’re in the clear.)
#1 – Don’t tell her if the government and economy are restored.
You’ve whisked her away to a secluded shack. One day, she goes out in search of berries. Suddenly, there’s a power surge. The TV and lights turn on. A news anchor says all the zombies are dead and the world has been restored.
I mean, yeah, you could tell her that shit’s fine now so she can go back to her old boyfriend or…dude, please, you know I’ll lose all respect for you if you don’t rip that fuckin’ TV cord out of the wall, find the fuse box and turn all that shit off and tell her she better get her ass back here where it’s safe and don’t even think about looking for no berries again. But be cool, just let her know it’s safe in that cabin, and only in that cabin, and you’ll protect her.
DISCLAIMER: This was all just a joke. You should be nice to women and considerate of their feelings and do not trick them and so forth. Don’t call them bitches and so on. They are more than just their vaginas. You should also be nice to women during a zombie apocalypse. Share rations because you worry they are hungry, not because you think it might get you laid. Be honest about your past (though she won’t, let’s be real) and if the zompoc ends…tell her…
…seriously, if the zombie apocalypse ends, tell her…within 5-7 days. OK, fine, immediately.
Hey 3.5 readers.
If you’ve read this blog for awhile, then you’re aware the Yakuza and I have never been fully simpatico. A shame really because I am a fan of the martial arts and could teach them a thing or two if they would just be cool and listen.
Alas, they are always after my magic bookshelf. So currently, I am in Japan, fighting dozens of Yakuza assassins, defeating them all as they come at me with swords, nunchaku, throwing darts, spears, sai, and yes even grenades and machine guns and all I have to fight them off with is my pinky finger and some chewed bubble gum that I didn’t even get to chew myself, go figure.
So, I’ll be at this for awhile. While I figure out the Top Ten Ways to Defeat a Yakuza Assassin, why don’t you take a good look at my Top Ten Lists? They are hilarious, if I say so myself, and you’ll be glad you did. Or maybe you won’t be. Maybe you’ll be sad you wasted so much time of your life. Oh well. Do it or don’t. I don’t care. I’m too busy fighting Yakuza assassins.
First, I’m not asking that about Video Game Rack Fighter. That woman is a Saint with the face of an angel. At least I think she is. She’s been playing Car Thief Mayhem for three weeks straight without a break not even for the bathroom. She just pees in a coffee can.
Second, just pointing out one of the top web searches leading people to this illustrious site is along the lines of “Is my girlfriend a witch?” or “my girlfriend is a witch” or “how to tell if your girlfriend is a witch?”
Listen bros. I’m not relationship expert, but if you have to ask…
Anyway, in case you missed it, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Witch:
Bitches be green, y’all.
Happy 4th of July, 3.5 readers.
Today, we celebrate our independence from the evil British, with today being the anniversary of the day on which George Washington swam across the Atlantic Ocean and karate chopped King George in the nads until he signed over all rights to America.
I’m pretty sure that’s how the story goes.
Do you doubt America’s awesomeness? Well then, you sir, must be a Communist…gasp, a British person. Probably skulking around, just biding your time until you can make your move to retake America for the Queen and make us all eat Shepard’s pie with incredibly bad teeth and make us say “quite” instead of “very” and “cheerio” instead of “goodbye.” There’s a redcoat hanging in your closet right now as we speak, isn’t there? ISN’T THERE?
I’m onto your evil schemes, British person.
Anyway, from BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Reasons Why America is Super Awesome.
#10 – The Freedom of Speech
We have it written into our Constitution and if you’ve ever wondered why America is the entertainment capitol of the world, what with a thriving movie and music industry, this is why.
Though things have become a bit more tense lately since the 2016 election, as a general rule, most Americans embrace the fact that people shouldn’t be jailed for saying what’s on their mind.
Thus, every Saturday Night, we watch a little show called “Saturday Night Live” where the rich and famous, the powerful, and yes, even the President, is openly mocked. Not only is no one put in jail the next day, being mocked on Saturday Night Live is considered a sign that you’ve made it.
I can write this blog and say wacky things and not worry about getting jailed for it.
I’m what you’d call a “free speech purist.” That means you have the right to say anything at all, no matter how horrible, and not go to jail. That means you can walk through Times Square in New York City wearing a shirt that says “I Love Hitler” and should not end up in the hoosegow.
There are some people who misunderstand that. They’ll think, “what do you love Hitler? Is that why you defend someone doing that?” No. Not at all. I just think that allowing people the right to engage in foolish speech guarantees our right to engage in non-foolish speech.
The more power you give to the government to regulate speech, the more they’ll abuse it. Today “I love Hitler” is banned. Tomorrow, “I think the government is doing a bad job and here’s why” will be banned.
Free speech isn’t completely free. There are limits, but they’re self imposed by society, by the marketplace of ideas. The guy with the “I love Hitler” shirt won’t go to jail, but he probably is going to have a hard time finding a job or a date once his love of Hitler is known. It’s better for our society to self-regulate speech than to leave that power to the government.
#9 – Big Titties
I believe it was Patrick Henry who once said, “Give me the liberty to see big titties or give me death!”
I haven’t engaged in a worldwide titty study but America has a thriving fake titty industry. Freedom of speech=thriving entertainment industry=a lot of women get big ole fake titties in the hopes of becoming the next super star.
You can think this is a bad development if you wish but I wouldn’t want to live in a world without big titties. This is why the American Revolution started, you know. King George was confiscating all the titties.
#8 – It’s the best place in the world to be poor.
Yeah, I’m sorry, but it is. I’m not saying being poor is great. I’m not saying poor people have it good. I’m just saying America does a lot to look out for its poor. People can debate whether or not we can do more, but I mean, come on, if you were born in America you one the world’s lottery as it is better to be poor here than most other countries.
#7 – You Be You, I’ll Be Me
The general idea of America is that most people who came here were tired of the bullshit in the other countries. “I don’t want to be hacked to pieces or go to war over religion, ideas, cultural clashes, etc. I just want to get a good job, work, make money, raise a family.”
That’s it. All there is to it. Yes, there are many ways we can improve and we don’t always succeed but as a general rule, but the general idea is that this is a place where you can have one religion, your neighbor can have another one, your other neighbor can believe something else and yet the overall idea is we are all supposed to live and believe how we deem best but come together on the important things we can agree on.
#6 – Grocery Stores/Fast Food/Lots of Food
The good news? Compared to many other countries, we are lousy with food. The bad news, there are actual food scientists who sit around all day, dreaming up new ways to make me fatter. Whenever you see a commercial for buffalo wing stuffed crust pizza, you know your ass is going to get fatter.
But, we just have to Peter Parker that shit and remember that with great power comes great responsibility. It’s better to have a lot of food to keep people from starving, but don’t eat yourself to the point where you need a little rascal to get around.
#5 – Bald Eagles
They’re getting scarce, and that’s plain wrong. We should set up a preserve where bald eagles can have lots of down and dirty bald eagle sex, thus preserving our nation’s symbol for generations to come.
#4 – We Defeated Hitler
I know there are a lot of skeletons in America’s closet. Slavery, what happened to the Native Americans, etc. There’s no shortage of stories about bad shit that went down during our nation’s infancy.
We must not forget these travesties but we should also remember the good, namely, when the world was about an inch away from being conquered and forced to eat sauerkraut and bratwurst forever, America put on its big boy pants and saved the day.
Now we only eat sauerkraut and bratwurst when we want to, not because Hitler wants us to.
#3 – Space
We’ve down so much to conquer the boundaries of space. We’ve only scratched the surface though. America should renew its past commitment to NASA.
#2 – Hot Dogs
Oh what? Like you’re too good to eat a meat product comprised of butcher factory floor sweepings.
#1 – Everyone Wants to Come Here
People do like to dump on America, and they do, a lot, because, remember, we have the freedom of speech. No place is perfect but when so many people are trying to get here everyday, you have to admit, that must be a sign we’re doing something right.
What do you think is the best about America? Discuss in the comments.