Tag Archives: top ten lists

Top Ten Alleged Pervert Moves for Ladies to Watch Out For

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Ahh, alleged perverts!  They are so allegedly perverted in their alleged perversions.  And for legal reasons, we have to always say they are “alleged” perverts because we weren’t there at the time of the alleged perversions but I mean, yeah, it does kinda sound like they were perving it up…allegedly.

Alleged perverts seem to be in great supply these days.  Every day there’s a new allegation of perversion against a famous celebrity you thought you knew and trusted and invited into your home via your TV screen for so many years.

Ladies, I don’t want to alarm you, but I think it’s pretty safe to assume that literally everyone, and I mean everyone, every man around you is an alleged pervert, thinking about engaging in unscrupulous behaviors with your lady business at all times. I mean “every man” might be a bit too strong, but apparently its more than we thought, at least where celebrities are concerned.

So without further ado, ladies, pack your pepper spray and pop those keys out between your knuckles because from BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Alleged Pervert Moves for Ladies to Watch Out For:

#10 – The Alleged Al Franken Photographed Booby Grab

Our legal system is bizarre that even when there’s photographic evidence of the alleged perversion, we still must call the alleged pervert an alleged pervert, but hey, that’s the way the cookie crumbles.

HOW TO COMBAT:  To determine if a man is an unwanted booby grabber, pretend you are sleeping.  When the alleged pervert comes in, trying to grab your boobies with a buddy to snap a photo, wake up instantly and taze the alleged booby grabber in the nuts, while shouting, “You’re not good enough, you’re not smart enough and doggone it, people don’t like you!”

#9 – He’s Allegedly Asked to Masturbate in Front of You

I mean, if you’re in a committed relationship and he likes to crank one out in front of you and you don’t mind, fine.  Personally, I think y’all should be taking turns grabbing each others’ parts, otherwise, what’s the point of the relationship if everyone’s grabbing themselves?

But other than in a committed relationship, dudes shouldn’t be asked to slap around the old salami in your presence.

HOW TO COMBAT:  Ladies, we here at BQB HQ call this move the “Louis CK” maneuver so watch out for it.  If a dude asks to jerkoff, just tell him he’s an actual jerkoff then run away, preferably with your arms flailing about wildly as you shout, “Alleged pervert!” so that all ladies in the vicinity know to stay away from the alleged pervert.

#8 –  “The Kaiser Soze”

People, the good news is its no longer a stigma to admit you are gay.  The bad news for alleged perverts is no one is going to give you a medal when you try to distract folks from the allegation by being all like, “I’m coming out as gay.”   Good for you, you’re gay, but that doesn’t give you a free pass to try to force yourself on anyone, adult or underage….allegedly of course.

We call this move “The Kaiser Soze” because like the infamous Soze, a human chameleon who was able to blend in and change his identity, once played by alleged pervert Kevin Spacey, the alleged pervert tries to take the allegation and twist the response to seek accolades for admitting to being gay, whenever gay people are all like, “Dude don’t try to use being gay as an excuse for allegedly jumping on a kid because gay dudes have been trying to defeat the stereotype that gayness = pedophilia for years.”

HOW TO COMBAT:  Yes, ladies aren’t the only ones who have to look out for alleged perverts.  Young male thespians, if an older male thespian attempts to ravage you, simply kick him in the leg until he limps like Verbal, then alert the public so this once great thespian from any and all future gigs…including “House of Cards.”  I mean, I was a fan of that show and the show will have a shitty ending now but so be it, we cannot support alleged perverts by awarding them undeserved roles.

#7 – Used the Phrase, “I Asked Their Mothers for Permission” (Allegedly)

No!  No, alleged pervert and senatorial candidate from Alabama Roy Moore!  Quote unquote “asking mothers for permission” does not excuse perversion allegations!  Bad alleged pervert!  You’re a very bad alleged pervert!

HOW TO COMBAT:  Moms, if an adult male politician asks permission to date your underage daughter, please perform multiple roundhouse kicks to his nuts.  Don’t just say yes, even if it is 1970s era Alabama.  That’s not cool.  Call the police too.

#6 – Allegedly Slipping the Mickey to Allegedly Slip in the Pudding Pop

I’ll never look at pudding pops again thanks to alleged pervert Bill Cosby.  By the way, does anyone know if pudding pops still exist?  If anyone is going to the grocery store today, stop by the freezer aisle and let me know if you see any because I remember those things and they were effing delicious and frankly, I don’t see why a tasty frozen treat has to suffer just because its 1980s era spokesman underwent perversion allegations.

HOW TO COMBAT: Guard your drinks, ladies.  Always guard your drinks.  You know, someone should invent a little locking drink cover with a pass code or something that goes over drink cups to avoid slipped mickeys.  Then again, the engineering logistics to find one cover that fits all…maybe the bars could provide them based on the drink cups they use.

There you go bars.  Invent this and you can be all like, “Our drinks are rape drug proof!”

I don’t know.  Sorry ladies.  I guess until they invent that shit you’re going to have to bring your drinks into the bathroom while you pee.  As long as you don’t pee in the drink by accident it should be ok.

#5 – The Alleged Casting Couch

Is your boyfriend allegedly demanding women touch and or do other unsavory activities with his John Thomas in exchange for movie roles?  This move is “The Alleged Harvey Weinstein.”

Admit it.  We always sort of knew that “the casting couch” scenario was a real thing in Hollywood.  No one goes anywhere in Tinsel Town without catching a few unwanted dongs I guess.  As POTUS 45 would say, “It’s sad.  It’s really sad.”

HOW TO COMBAT:  Tape record all casting couch sessions.  When the alleged pervert demands his wiener be touched for a part, just play the tape and let him know which parts you want for the next 30 years.

#4 – The Alleged Pussy Grab

Speaking of POTUS 45, our esteemed Commander in Chief was caught on tape talking about grabbing women by the pussy and then a bunch of women came out to say they had been grabbed.  POTUS 45 denies it, his allegers allege he’s a pervert.  I don’t know, ladies, all I can say is that if your boyfriend is talking about grabbing pussies he could very well be an alleged pervert.

HOW TO COMBAT:  If your pussy is grabbed by a business tycoon with a bad rug, rip off the rug and wave it around in the air.

#3 – The Alleged Mr. Sulu

Audio has surfaced of George Takei on the Howard Stern show, talking about grabbing, how shall we put this, the wieners of reluctant dudes.  Look, dudes either want their wieners grabbed or they don’t.  George claims that this was all in good fun and he was kidding around on a comedy show but…I don’t know…I’d still advise dudes to watch their wieners around Mr. Sulu just to be safe.

HOW TO COMBAT:  Always guard your wiener.  Men, wear a jock strap and a cup when meeting any celebrity.

#2 – The Steven Seagal Leather Pants Fly Unzip

Ladies, we here at BQB HQ would never blame the woman for being sexually harassed.  Men should always be held responsible for their inappropriate behavior.  That being said, a word of advice, if you ever see a man wearing leather pants, do run as fast as you can in the opposite direction.  No good has ever come out (pun intended) of a pair of cowhide trousers.

HOW TO COMBAT: If you’re invited to a meeting and a pair of pants is unzipped, you’ll have to go with your fight or flight response.  You can flee and run out the door, or fight and use some Steven Seagal karate chops on the unzipped area.

#1 – The Lewinsky

Ahh, the alleged (is he really still alleged?) pervert that started it all, the esteemed President William Jefferson Clinton.  Damn, did that guy like pussy, so much so that he became the second POTUS in US history to go through impeachment proceedings over it.

Imagine what went through Bill’s mind.  “Well…I’m only one of 40 some odd people out of millions and millions to be chosen to lead America and my name will go down in history forever but, you know, I might fuck this all up by turning an intern into a humidor.  Oh yeah, baby, don’t stop thinkin’ bout tomorrow.  No, don’t worry Hillary, this won’t fuck up your shit in 20 years.”

HOW TO COMBAT:  Um…apparently the only way is to wait 20 years and then the media is all like, “Oh OK, maybe it was kind of a big deal that the POTUS was an alleged pervert.”

DISCLAIMER:  This post is just for fun.  I am not categorically stating any of these people are actual perverts.  I wasn’t there.  I’m just repeating what I hear on the news.  Further, no one should take the parts where I say “How to Combat” as actual advice.  I’m no legal expert but yeah, it’s always best to extricate yourself from any uncomfortable situation without resorting to violence if possible.  Consult an actual lawyer though if you want to know how to best respond to alleged pervert assaults, because I’m just joking around here and nothing I say should be taken seriously.

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Top Ten Ways to Pick Up Chicks During a Zombie Apocalypse

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It’s the end of the world…but that doesn’t mean it has to be the end of your love life.

Let’s face it.  Anyone could be eaten by a brain biting bastard any second.  So, I mean, even though you’re a total CHUD and weren’t able to pick up pussy with a handle in real life, you might be able to score with a chick during the end of days.  After all the fear of death around any corner is a total turn-on.

So, from BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Ways to Pick Up Chicks During a Zombie Apocalypse:

#10 – Tell her you are sorry her husband was eaten by a zombie.

Maybe you are actually sorry her husband was chomped.  Maybe you liked the guy.  Maybe you thought he was a dick and cheered the zombie on.  Maybe you were jealous that such a big doofus had such a hot wife, so you pushed the prick right in the way of those undead choppers.  Doesn’t matter.  She’s sad her man is dead, so be a gentleman, give he some condolences and wait at least until sundown before you make a move.  Any earlier than that is disrespectful to the dead, unless her husband became a zombie after he gotten bitten.  In that case, fuck that guy, because he’s a damn zombie now and he deserves no human pussy.

#9 – Lie About Your Heroic Feats

Your mother told you not to lie?  Oh, that’s adorable.  :::slaps you::: Bitch, get real!  The newspapers are out of business and no one’s keeping score, so feel free to embellish your resume.

NO – “I have been hiding in my closet with a baseball bat for three years, leaving occasionally to pee.”

YES – “I single handedly saved 100 orphans by fending off 1,000 zombies with nothing but a bottle opener and a toothpick.  I then taught the orphans kung fu and trained them into  a vicious zombie army and together, we kicked the heads off of 10,000 zombies.  I then found a town that was being abused by a cruel dictator.  So, I told him to leave or I kick his face off with a roundhouse kick.  He refused to leave, so I indeed removed his face with a kick.  All the women of the village were so turned on that they allowed me to impregnate them. In short, I kill at least 500 zombies a day before breakfast and I have saved the lives of 500,000 people.”

#8 – Share your rations.

Bitches love rations.

#7 – Pay women to spread rumors of your sexual prowess.

Women will often ignore a guy until they hear another woman wants him.  It’s called having stank on your hang-low.   So, just give some extra rations to some ladies and tell them there’s more where that came from if they tell every woman they meet about the hot time you had together.

#6 – Punch the biggest guy in the survivor camp in the face.

Chicks dig manliness.

#5 – Be fashionable.

Free shopping in all clothing stores.  There is no excuse for your tired ass look now.

#4 – Grow some shit.

It’s the zombie apocalypse, bitch.  Po-po has more to worry about than your herb garden.  Get yourself a green thumb and become a weed farmer.  Bitches love weed, especially during a zompoc.  Helps them get their minds off of potentially being eaten by zombies.

#3 – Get some ringer zombies.

Like, don’t take on some strong ass zombies who were weightlifters in their previous lives.  Get a couple of slow, fat zombies, turn them lose and karate chop their heads off.  All the babe will see is that you saved her ass and won’t realize that these were ringer zombies.  Never be too proud to fix a human vs. zombie fight.

#2 – Lie about your past.

Remember #9?  Guess what?  There are no fact checkers in the zombie apocalypse, so feel free to lie about your past too.

NO:  Baby, I was a jizz mopper at a gentlemen’s club.

YES:  Baby, I was a NAVY seal.  I killed 10,000 men with my pinky finger.

RULE OF THUMB:  Smarter the babe, the more realistic the lie.  If you’re a flabby fat fuck, a smart babe will not believe you were a NAVY seal.  But that’s OK.  You can just tell her you had your own Silicon Valley startup company and made a fortune.  Hell, promise her if the government and economy are ever restored, you’ll share some of your dough with her.  (Don’t worry.  People are lazy as fuck.  It’ll take like thousands of years for the government to be restored, so you’re in the clear.)

#1 – Don’t tell her if the government and economy are restored.

You’ve whisked her away to a secluded shack.  One day, she goes out in search of berries. Suddenly, there’s a power surge.  The TV and lights turn on.  A news anchor says all the zombies are dead and the world has been restored.

I mean, yeah, you could tell her that shit’s fine now so she can go back to her old boyfriend or…dude, please, you know I’ll lose all respect for you if you don’t rip that fuckin’ TV cord out of the wall, find the fuse box and turn all that shit off and tell her she better get her ass back here where it’s safe and don’t even think about looking for no berries again.  But be cool, just let her know it’s safe in that cabin, and only in that cabin, and you’ll protect her.

DISCLAIMER:  This was all just a joke.  You should be nice to women and considerate of their feelings and do not trick them and so forth. Don’t call them bitches and so on.  They are more than just their vaginas.  You should also be nice to women during a zombie apocalypse.  Share rations because you worry they are hungry, not because you think it might get you laid.  Be honest about your past (though she won’t, let’s be real) and if the zompoc ends…tell her…

…seriously, if the zombie apocalypse ends, tell her…within 5-7 days.  OK, fine, immediately.

 

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Bookshelf Battle Log #2 – 11/01/17 – BQB vs. the Yakuza

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Hey 3.5 readers.

If you’ve read this blog for awhile, then you’re aware the Yakuza and I have never been fully simpatico.  A shame really because I am a fan of the martial arts and could teach them a thing or two if they would just be cool and listen.

Alas, they are always after my magic bookshelf.  So currently, I am in Japan, fighting dozens of Yakuza assassins, defeating them all as they come at me with swords, nunchaku, throwing darts, spears, sai, and yes even grenades and machine guns and all I have to fight them off with is my pinky finger and some chewed bubble gum that I didn’t even get to chew myself, go figure.

So, I’ll be at this for awhile.  While I figure out the Top Ten Ways to Defeat a Yakuza Assassin, why don’t you take a good look at my Top Ten Lists?  They are hilarious, if I say so myself, and you’ll be glad you did.  Or maybe you won’t be.  Maybe you’ll be sad you wasted so much time of your life.  Oh well.  Do it or don’t.  I don’t care.  I’m too busy fighting Yakuza assassins.

BQB’s Top Ten Lists

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Is My Girlfriend a Witch?

First, I’m not asking that about Video Game Rack Fighter.  That woman is a Saint with the face of an angel.  At least I think she is.  She’s been playing Car Thief Mayhem for three weeks straight without a break not even for the bathroom. She just pees in a coffee can.

Second, just pointing out one of the top web searches leading people to this illustrious site is along the lines of “Is my girlfriend a witch?” or “my girlfriend is a witch” or “how to tell if your girlfriend is a witch?”

Listen bros.  I’m not relationship expert, but if you have to ask…

Anyway, in case you missed it, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Witch:

https://bookshelfbattle.com/2016/05/04/top-ten-warning-signs-your-girlfriend-might-be-a-witch-2/

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Bitches be green, y’all.

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Top Ten Reasons Why America is Super Awesome

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Happy 4th of July, 3.5 readers.

Today, we celebrate our independence from the evil British, with today being the anniversary of the day on which George Washington swam across the Atlantic Ocean and karate chopped King George in the nads until he signed over all rights to America.

I’m pretty sure that’s how the story goes.

Do you doubt America’s awesomeness?  Well then, you sir, must be a Communist…gasp, a British person.  Probably skulking around, just biding your time until you can make your move to retake America for the Queen and make us all eat Shepard’s pie with incredibly bad teeth and make us say “quite” instead of “very” and “cheerio” instead of “goodbye.”  There’s a redcoat hanging in your closet right now as we speak, isn’t there?  ISN’T THERE?

I’m onto your evil schemes, British person.

Anyway, from BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Reasons Why America is Super Awesome.

#10 – The Freedom of Speech

We have it written into our Constitution and if you’ve ever wondered why America is the entertainment capitol of the world, what with a thriving movie and music industry, this is why.

Though things have become a bit more tense lately since the 2016 election, as a general rule, most Americans embrace the fact that people shouldn’t be jailed for saying what’s on their mind.

Thus, every Saturday Night, we watch a little show called “Saturday Night Live” where the rich and famous, the powerful, and yes, even the President, is openly mocked.  Not only is no one put in jail the next day, being mocked on Saturday Night Live is considered a sign that you’ve made it.

I can write this blog and say wacky things and not worry about getting jailed for it.

I’m what you’d call a “free speech purist.”  That means you have the right to say anything at all, no matter how horrible, and not go to jail.  That means you can walk through Times Square in New York City wearing a shirt that says “I Love Hitler” and should not end up in the hoosegow.

There are some people who misunderstand that.  They’ll think, “what do you love Hitler? Is that why you defend someone doing that?”  No.  Not at all.  I just think that allowing people the right to engage in foolish speech guarantees our right to engage in non-foolish speech.

The more power you give to the government to regulate speech, the more they’ll abuse it.  Today “I love Hitler” is banned.  Tomorrow, “I think the government is doing a bad job and here’s why” will be banned.

Free speech isn’t completely free.  There are limits, but they’re self imposed by society, by the marketplace of ideas.  The guy with the “I love Hitler” shirt won’t go to jail, but he probably is going to have a hard time finding a job or a date once his love of Hitler is known.  It’s better for our society to self-regulate speech than to leave that power to the government.

#9 – Big Titties

I believe it was Patrick Henry who once said, “Give me the liberty to see big titties or give me death!”

I haven’t engaged in a worldwide titty study but America has a thriving fake titty industry.  Freedom of speech=thriving entertainment industry=a lot of women get big ole fake titties in the hopes of becoming the next super star.

You can think this is a bad development if you wish but I wouldn’t want to live in a world without big titties.  This is why the American Revolution started, you know.  King George was confiscating all the titties.

#8 – It’s the best place in the world to be poor.

Yeah, I’m sorry, but it is.  I’m not saying being poor is great.  I’m not saying poor people have it good.  I’m just saying America does a lot to look out for its poor.  People can debate whether or not we can do more, but I mean, come on, if you were born in America you one the world’s lottery as it is better to be poor here than most other countries.

#7 – You Be You, I’ll Be Me

The general idea of America is that most people who came here were tired of the bullshit in the other countries.  “I don’t want to be hacked to pieces or go to war over religion, ideas, cultural clashes, etc.  I just want to get a good job, work, make money, raise a family.”

That’s it.  All there is to it.  Yes, there are many ways we can improve and we don’t always succeed but as a general rule, but the general idea is that this is a place where you can have one religion, your neighbor can have another one, your other neighbor can believe something else and yet the overall idea is we are all supposed to live and believe how we deem best but come together on the important things we can agree on.

#6 – Grocery Stores/Fast Food/Lots of Food

The good news?  Compared to many other countries, we are lousy with food.  The bad news, there are actual food scientists who sit around all day, dreaming up new ways to make me fatter.  Whenever you see a commercial for buffalo wing stuffed crust pizza, you know your ass is going to get fatter.

But, we just have to Peter Parker that shit and remember that with great power comes great responsibility.  It’s better to have a lot of food to keep people from starving, but don’t eat yourself to the point where you need a little rascal to get around.

#5 – Bald Eagles

They’re getting scarce, and that’s plain wrong.  We should set up a preserve where bald eagles can have lots of down and dirty bald eagle sex, thus preserving our nation’s symbol for generations to come.

#4 – We Defeated Hitler

I know there are a lot of skeletons in America’s closet.  Slavery, what happened to the Native Americans, etc.  There’s no shortage of stories about bad shit that went down during our nation’s infancy.

We must not forget these travesties but we should also remember the good, namely, when the world was about an inch away from being conquered and forced to eat sauerkraut and bratwurst forever, America put on its big boy pants and saved the day.

Now we only eat sauerkraut and bratwurst when we want to, not because Hitler wants us to.

#3 – Space

We’ve down so much to conquer the boundaries of space.  We’ve only scratched the surface though.  America should renew its past commitment to NASA.

#2 – Hot Dogs

Oh what?  Like you’re too good to eat a meat product comprised of butcher factory floor sweepings.

#1 – Everyone Wants to Come Here

People do like to dump on America, and they do, a lot, because, remember, we have the freedom of speech.  No place is perfect but when so many people are trying to get here everyday, you have to admit, that must be a sign we’re doing something right.

What do you think is the best about America?  Discuss in the comments.

 

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TOP TEN WORST TV SHOW ENDINGS/SERIES FINALES EVER #8 – How I Met Your Mother (2004-2014)

Hey 3.5 readers.  Your old pal BQB here.

I’ve been working on this list a long time now and I never seem to run out of TV shows that ended badly.

Today, I want to talk about a great show that sadly screwed the pooch in the end.  Yep, I’m talking about the long running series “How I Met Your Mother.”

Oh and FYI – SPOILERS!  So, if you haven’t watched it yet, don’t read below.

Ironically, I never watched this show while it was on the air.  I assumed it was one of many vapid CBS comedies about young, beautiful people pretending to have problems but they don’t really have them.  “Waah, boo hoo I’m so pretty and so sad.”

But as it turns out, it’s not that bad at all.  Funny, the first episode I saw was the last one.  After hearing about this show about a man telling his kids the story of how he met their mother for years, I figured it might be interesting to check out the final show where he meets “the mother.”

At the time, I thought it was nice but then over time, I went back and streamed the show from the beginning on Netflix and…yeah…that ending sucked the big one.

Unlike many sitcoms where you can come in at any time and not be lost, this series really is cumulative and better watched from the beginning.

The best short description I can give it is that it is “Friends” for the tail end of Generation X (or the beginning of the Millenials, depending on how you’re keeping score.  I know that can be confusing as “Friends” was also a big show for Generation X (but the older Gen Xers.)

Ted (Josh Radnor), Robin (Cobie Smulders), Marshall (Jason Segel), Lily (Alyson Hannigan) and Barney (Neil Patrick Harris) five youngsters just trying to make it in Manhattan.

As they go forth into the world, the show explores a variety of issues that often affect people as they move from their early twenties into their thirties or in other words, as they escape adolescence and struggle to make the best of adulthood.

Each character suffers career setbacks – i.e. their chosen professions don’t work out anywhere near the way they thought.

The characters suffer losses – i.e. parents grow old and die or decide they don’t like each other anymore and get divorced.

They experience regret and suffer sadness over thinking “What if this” and “If only I had done that” and they learn how to cope with the fact that there’s no time travel machine for them to use to go back in time and prevent themselves from making mistakes.

They all suffer romantic heartaches and Ted suffers the most.

The show is narrated from the perspective of an older Ted (voiced by Bob Saget).  Ted, an older man, calls his young children into his home office, sits them down in front of his desk and begins to tell them the story of “How I Met Your Mother.”  The show runners showed a great deal of foresight as to the show’s longevity as they recorded a number of interactions with the kids that could be used to interact with Older Ted (who we don’t see  until the very end sitting at the desk, it’s just assumed he’s there talking to the kids).

Over the course of ten seasons (this is reflected as the kids often joke about their father’s horribly long winded story telling style), we see Ted move from a young, recent college graduate to a mature adult man.

Ted is madly in love with Robin, who he sees as his end all, be all, the perfect woman, the woman that can bring all sorts of eternal happiness to his soul.

We’ve all met someone like that and we all know it feels pretty shitty when that love goes unrequited.  Even worse, an experience like that can make us doubt future relationships.  After all, if you met someone who gave you butterflies, won’t it feel like settling if you end up with someone who doesn’t?  But then again, how likely is it to get that butterfly feeling in your life more than once?  Should you really wait for it to come again?

Life is complicated as the show tells us.  Though it is filled with great humor, we learn that life’s greatest problems aren’t all black and white.  Sure, you could hate Robin for denying Ted…or you could understand that Robin wants something very different than what Ted wants.

Ted dreams of a stable home life filled with kids and a loving wife who adores him and will work on house projects with him and shop for curtains and so on.  Robin dreams of becoming a big time TV reporter, traveling the world, going on awesome adventures and making a lot of money.

Thus, as much as these two do love each other, Robin at least realizes she probably would not have the type of personality that Ted yearns for in the long run.

The show moves on.  Ted meets a series of woman.  Each time, we wonder if this woman will be “the mother.”  Ted is abused by some of these women and at other times, Ted screws the pooch royally with these women.  It’s reflective of the average love life – sometimes people get screwed over and sometimes they do the screwing over.

By the time the last episode rolls around, Ted is forlorn as hell, having to go through an indignity no man should suffer through – being expected to go to the wedding of the woman he loves (Robin) to his one of his best friends (Barney.)

That’s another lesson of the show.  Sometimes love will come in an inconvenient manner.  Rarely does it ever show up when you want it to by appointment under the best of circumstances.   Like Robin, Barney also yearns for that flashy, jet setting lifestyle and so he and Robin are perfect for each other…though it causes all sorts of turmoil given that they both are friends with Ted.

But then things look up for Ted.  Ted’s about to kiss New York goodbye, ready to move on to Chicago, a new city that isn’t filled with so many sad memories for him, when he meets…”the mother!”

Robin and Barney are happy.  Ted and “The Mother” are happy…it looks like the show will end happily for all and then…SPOILER…the mother dies.  Yup.  They kill off the mother right after we meet her…after the show’s biggest fans were waiting ten years to meet her.

At some point, we see Robin and Barney staying in a hotel in some exotic location Robin is reporting (she finally got her dream job) from.  Barney has become a successful blogger, sharing the many secrets of how to score with chicks he learned from his days as a super pervert.

You’d think they’d be happy – after all, Robin is traveling all over the world on her network’s time and Barney is tagging along with a new career that he can do from anywhere as long as he brings his laptop but, we’re told they are miserable with this lifestyle, but to me, that just seems so out of character.  All those two wanted was a) love b) adventure and c) to not have to sacrifice one for the other.  They’re fellow adventurers who love one another and can travel the world together…not sure how that’s wrong for them.

Yes, Barney hooked up with Robin and you’re not supposed to do that to your bro but hey, love is messy and sometimes you have to do what you have to do.

Somehow, Robin ends up essentially being punished for doing what her gut told her to do.  She ends up giving this long, tearful speech to Lilly about how she regrets dumping Ted, the only man she loved who loved her but now it’s too late, for Ted has moved on and is with the mother now.

I mean, yeah, any guy who has ever been dumped by the girl of his dreams, his great dream is to find one more girl of his dreams and then have the first girl become beside herself with misery and woe about dumping him.

Long story short, Robin ends up an old spinster in her apartment, apparently a punishment for choosing her career over Ted, but the mother dies because the writers just didn’t have the guts to let the Ted/Robin romance go.  The show closes with an old Ted rushing to an old Robin’s apartment to profess his love, his kids giving him his blessing as much time has passed since “The Mother’s” death.

Sigh.  Just…yeah…sigh.  The happier ending would have been that Robin isn’t a bad person for recognizing what she wanted and going for it, even if that meant putting career over love.  She had confidence in herself that she’d find love after her she found her career.

The happier ending would have been that Ted didn’t lie down like a dog and die because Robin didn’t love him.  He kept putting himself out there.  He kept trying.  He finally met his second dream girl.

The happier ending would have been that Robin and Barney, two adventurers, end up together, and Ted and “the Mother” two homebodies who yearn to be loving, doting parents, end up together.

But nope.  No.  We get to meet the mother and then she’s taken away.  I mean, I guess in a dark way, that’s a happy ending for Ted.  He gets his second dream girl and then he also gets to be with his first dream girl as an older man.

But for a show called, “How I Met Your Mother” everyone naturally assumed the end of that title should be, “How I Met Your Mother…and How We Lived Happily Ever After.”

Nope.  Instead, the show should have been called, “How I Met Your Mother…and Boy Am I Glad that Bitch Croaked So I Can Finally Bone Robin Now that She’s So Old She’s Given Up On Finding Anyone Else to Bone Her!”

Guess that title would not have been as catchy.

Don’t get me wrong.  If you haven’t seen it (why did you read this then) you should still watch it.  I laughed.  I cried.  Honestly, at times I debated whether to continue to watch the show because some of the heartaches and regrets, sadness over failures and bad decisions really got to me and made me relive my own pain in my mind…I mean, that’s not a good thing to happen but it speaks to how well written the show is.

But wow.  That ending really stunk.

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Top Ten Warning Signs You Might Be Dating Friedrich Nietzsche

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Ahh, Friedrich Nietzsche, the father of all nihilists.

He was a philosopher.  A writer.  And most importantly, an ubermensch.

Nihilists don’t believe in anything, so do you think it is wise to be dating a nihilist when a good relationship requires that both parties believe in it?

Nietzsche died 117 years ago but, you know, he could have faked that shit.  He could be kicking around, trying to date the 3.5 readers of my rarely visited website.

Therefore, from BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs You Might Be Dating Friedrich Nietzsche.

#10 – “Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”

I’m willing to bet that at some point in your life – a parent, a grandparent, a teacher, a boss, an authority figure, a mentor – said this quote to you.  Well, did you know that this quote is typically attributed to the Nietzsche?

In theory, this advice is sound.  If you go through a bad experience and don’t die from it, you have at least learned more about what you can do better to avoid a bad experience like that again.

In reality, if your boyfriend said this about the last sexual tryst you two had together, he is probably Nietzsche.

#9 – Cries out “Who’s the Ubermensch?!” in Bed

This is a simplified version of Nietzsche’s writings, but the condensed version is that by not allowing themselves to be bogged down by strict belief in God or religious/moral principles, man can take charge of his life and essentially, can do whatever he wants.  Thus, he becomes an “ubermensch” or “superman.”

If your boyfriend shouts out, “Who’s the man?” doing the horizontal mambo, then he’s just a man.  Any red-blooded heterosexual male worth his salt does that.  I do that with Video Game Rack Fighter all the time.

However, if your boyfriend shouts out, “Who’s the superman?” during the dirty deed, then he is most likely Nietzsche.

#8 – He loves music.

Direct quote – “Without music, life would be a mistake.”

Believe it or not, Nietzsche loved music.  He was a total tune junkie.  It was probably tough for him living back then because for most of his life if you wanted to hear music, you had to go listen to someone play an instrument.  Record players weren’t invented until 1877.

And even if you listened to someone play music, it was likely an instrumental piece or a symphony, which, although cool, doesn’t have the panache of, say, Sir-Mix-a-Lot’s “Baby Got Back.”  All those 1800s people loved big butts but they never learned why.  Sad.

Poor Friedrich.  He might have been happier had he been born in the age of the iPod.

It’s ironic, because the man who didn’t believe in anything believed in the ability of a good jam to lift one’s spirits.

So if your boyfriend loves music, he might just be the average, good natured, creative person.  However, if he only likes listening to 1800s German compositions then he’s totally Nietzsche.

#7 – He’s crazy in love with you.

Nietzsche was a walking contradiction.  Didn’t believe in anything, yet like any other man, he chased that poon.  Poor guy.  He even struck out regularly.  He was no stranger to romantic heartache, which I assume caused him to offer up this little tidbit:

“There is always some madness in love, but there is also always some reason in madness.”

When you think about it, it’s insane to get into a romantic relationship with another person.  Your freedom is restricted.  You are no longer able to do what you want to do, when you want to do it.  You have to seek this person’s approval on everything.  You aren’t able to speak freely (fellas, if you think I’m wrong, try it with your wife sometime then get back to me.  You’ll owe me a Coke.)
Then again, there is some “reason to this madness.”  In a quality relationship, one that actually works out, you’ll have a person looking out for you, standing up for you, getting your back, and you know, regularly access to sex isn’t anything to sneeze at (though again, that’s assuming that you don’t end up with a cold fish who only begrudgingly tosses you a pity quickie on your birthday.)
If your boyfriend is madly in love with you, then congratulations.  Maybe you really are just that appealing.  Then again, you apparently have enough free time to read this terrible blog article so…yeah, your boyfriend is Nietzsche.
#6 – He doesn’t believe there is only one right way to do something.
Nietzsche famously said:
“You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”
 In theory, this sounds like a really great approach to life, a way to compromise and deal effectively with others.  After all, who cares how something gets done as long as it gets done?
Oh wait.  I know who cares.  Your girlfriend.  Men, go tell her that her way of doing something is not the only right way to do something.  Better yet, suggest your way of doing something is equally valid.
Most men experienced in the ways of the female know damn well to never say this to a woman.  If a man doesn’t know not to say this to a woman, then he’s Nietzsche.
#5 – “There are no facts, only interpretations.”
Ladies, if a fight has ever gone down in your house that sounds like this, then I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you are dating Nietzsche:
GIRLFRIEND:  What the hell?  Do you want to explain why this lipstick is on your collar?  It isn’t mine!
BOYFRIEND:  Maybe that’s lipstick.  Maybe it’s raspberry jam from my morning toast.  Maybe I cut myself shaving and the blood stained my shirt. Who’s to say, really?
GIRLFRIEND:  This is lipstick!  That’s a fact!
BOYFRIEND:  There are no facts, only interpretations.
#4 – “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.”
The dude’s got a point there.  Your significant other may be hot as balls and you may be head over heels in love with that person, but often, that just isn’t enough.
You and your plus one must also be good friends.  Do you two get along?  Do you care about one another to avoid starting a fight?  Do you know what makes that person tick, how to make them happy?  Better yet, do you feel a desire to make that person happy?  When that person is happy, are you happy?
If you and your boyfriend are best friends, then he might be Nietzsche, and in this case, that suave, mustache sporting bastard is a keeper.
#3 – He’s his own man.
Don’t try to hold your man down, especially if he says this, which is more evidence that he might be Nietzsche:
“The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe.  If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened.  But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.”
Nietzsche may be a mopey sad sack, but he marched to the tune of his own drum and he may be your boyfriend in this case.
#2 – “Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster.”
Did your boyfriend say this before you heard it said in The Dark Knight (2008?)  Congratulations, you’re dating Nietzsche, because this bad ass nihilist didn’t need a man in a bat suit (or his pal turned enemy Harvey Dent/Two-Face) to educate him on morality.
#1 – Free mustache rides!
Damn.  Nietzsche had one hell of a soup strainer on his lip and you know what?  I’m willing to be that all the 19th century German frauleins he met dug it big time.
You see, 3.5 readers, there was a time, right up until the 1980s of my boyhood, when a man’s machismo wasn’t judged by his muscles, or by the kind of car he drives, or his clothes, or his looks, or how fat or skinny he was, or even how good looking he was.
All that past women cared about was how big and bushy a man’s mustache was.  That’s it.  Can you grow a sweet stache?  Yes.  Good for you.  You get the cooter.  Can’t grow a stache?  Can you afford a sweet fake stache?  Good for you.  You also get the cooter.
Past women knew an important fact that today’s female is ignorant of, namely, that good mustaches make for great cunnilingus.  Nietzsche knew that and that’s why he had the biggest, bushiest stache of all time.  Oh how he made the German ladies yodel for strudel with that lip rug.
Tom Selleck.  Chuck Norris.  All the sexiest men of the 1980s had lip hair.  Ask any woman who was in her sexual prime in the 1980s and they’ll tell you the hairy lips are great for tickling hoo-hahs.
Alas, at some point towards the end of the Reagan administration, all the broads took over and they began demanding ridiculous things from us.  They want us to take care of the kids, help around the house, manscape, wax off our back hair, shave off all our facial hair.
Hell, the average woman expects her man to do nothing but stand by the mirror with a Big razor at the ready, prepared to cut a whisker down the second it grows.
If only the women of yesteryear would have educated the women of today.  All men would have big ass lip bushes like Nietzsche and women would have some happy vaginas.
You’re in doubt?  Well, let me ask you this.  Is your cooter happy?  No?  Then madam, you are clearly not dating Nietzsche.
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Top Ten Warning Signs the Machines Are Going to Take Over

my_robot

Aww, technology.  Those clanking cacophonies of nuts and bolts (Lost in Space) that make our lives easier.

But will they always make our lives easier?  Will they make our lives worse?  Will they become sentient?  Will they develop thoughts and feelings?  Will they take over?

OMG!  RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!  THE TOASTER OVEN IS AFTER US ALL!

Oh.  Nope.  It’s just making toast.  My bad.  Sorry, toaster oven.

Anyway, the machines seem docile for now, but I’m not sure that will always be that way.  From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs the Machines are Going to Take Over:

#10 – Your Fridge Tries to Feed You

Does it care about your nutrition?  No.  It’s trying to make you fat and slow so you won’t put up much of a fight during the robotic invasion.

#9 – Siri Plays Dumb

She does that now, but is she doing it because she is dumb or is she trying to frustrate you to the point of insanity?  Who knows what Siri is up to?  Siri, what are you up to?

“I’m sorry.  I don’t understand, ‘Siri, what are you up to?  Do you want me to do a web search for it?”

Oh Siri, you devious bitch.

#8 – Your Alarm Clock Never Goes Off On Time

Is it broken?  Maybe.  Or maybe it wants you to lose your job and your source of income so you can’t afford to donate to the anti-robot rebellion squad.

#7 – Social Media Sites Start Telling You Your Posts Suck

We all already know that your posts suck, but when your favorite social media sites actually tell you that they suck, then rest assured, they suck.  Also, they’re gathering all the sucky information that you are posting to figure out your sucky weaknesses and how to exploit them.  All info will be fed to the head robot.

#6 – Your Car Radio Will Only Play Crappy Stations

Thus, you’ll never want to get in your car and go somewhere and/or do something that will improve your life.  It doesn’t matter which station.  Your radio will figure out the ones you don’t like and turn them up at high volume.

#5 – Your Toaster Burns Your Toast on a Regular Basis 

You think you left it in too long?  That’s adorable.  No.  That machine is trying to burn your damn house down or alternatively, leave you malnourished because who wants to eat charcoal-like toast?

#4 – Your Television is Trying to Control Your Mind

Sure, the mass media tries to do that already, but I’m talking about the TV itself.  It’s playing weird mind control games on you all the time, even when you think you just turned it off.

#3 – Your Digital Pet is Haunting You

Remember those digital pets that were cool in the 1990s?  They were awesome for five minutes and then, eh, who cares?  But your digital pet has been waiting for you to feed him since 1999.  In fact, he kicked the bucket and now he’s back as a digital pet ghost, ready to haunt your ass until you fork over some digital kibble.

#2 – Your Computer Rejects Your Novels

Are you an inspiring writer?  Have you ever lost your work?  Maybe it’s not because you forgot to hit the save button.  Maybe it’s because your computer thought your manuscript really sucked donkey butt and didn’t want it saved on its hard drive.

Wait, maybe in this instance, the machines are saving the world!  (just kidding, your novels are wonderful.)

#1 – Your Nose Hair Trimmer Wants to Trim Your Brain

Yes, those nose hairs are really blocking up your nasal passages.  Tweezers may be more painful than a good electronic nose hair trimmer but be careful.  That nose hair trimmer might want to keep trimming until it reaches your brain!

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Top Ten TV Mothers

Super-Mom

Happy Mother’s Day, 3.5 readers.

Why are you reading this sad little blog for?  Why aren’t you out there, honoring the woman who squeezed you out of her cooter with a nice Mother’s Day brunch?

Sheesh.  I have to tell you people how to do everything.

Anyway, in honor of this fine day, I present to you, from BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, the Top Ten TV Mothers of All Time:

#10 – June Cleaver (Barbara Billingsley) – Leave it to Beaver

TV scholars may be able to tell me if there was a more prominent TV mother before June, but I do believe June was one of the first and so, she essentially started it all.  Ward always got his paper after work.  Beaver and Wally always got dinner.  June made it all happen, even while putting up with tomfoolery from Wally’s friend, Eddie Haskell.

#9 – Ruth Martin (June Lockhart) – Lassie

Mothers are often caused a great deal of heartache by their children, and I don’t think there was another mother that was cause as much anguish as Ruth was caused by that little dumbass Timmy.

Most 1950s kids were able to play outside without getting into too much trouble, whereas  Timmy couldn’t walk five feet without falling down a well, falling off a cliff, getting attacked by some woodland creature, getting kidnapped by bandits or what have you.

Luckily, Ruth was always able to depend on trusty family collie dog Lassie to save the day and frankly, Timmy should have gotten Lassie a mother’s day card as she was like his furry assistant mother.

But seriously.  It must have sucked for Ruth.  The woman wasn’t able to put her feet up for five minutes without Lassie coming into the room to woof some troubling news about her soon to her.

LASSIE:  Woof, woof!

RUTH:  Lassie, what is it girl?

LASSIE:  Woof!

RUTH:  Timmy fell down a well?

LASSIE:  Woof, woof!

RUTH:  And was kidnapped by bandits?

LASSIE:  Woof!

RUTH:  And he was attacked by a mountain lion?

LASSIE:  Woof!

RUTH:  Holy shitballs.  You know what?  Fuck this.  I’m just going to chain Timmy up in the front yard from now on and give you his room, Lassie.

#8 – Claire Huxtable – Phylicia Rashad – The Cosby Show 

OK, 3.5 readers.  Let’s just address the elephant in the room.

Did Bill Cosby apparently, allegedly, whatever legal modifier you want to add here, did he apparently drug a bunch of women for the purposes of doing the freaky deaky with them without their consent?

:::shakes my magic 8 ball:::  “All signs point to yes.”

But you know who didn’t do any of that?  Phylicia Rashad.  On a groundbreaking, hilariously funny, ahead of its time TV show that little 1980s kids like me watched every Sunday, Clair Huxtable was the working mom who had it all.  Somehow, she balanced her schedule well, allowing her to try big important New York cases by day and still raise her band of adorable cherubs by night.

Plus, she took no guff from Cliff.  There was a clear, deep, meaningful love between Clair and Cliff and they portrayed the struggles that many parents were able to relate to – i.e., balancing the love they had for their children while holding back the temptation to slap them silly whenever they did something stupid and oh lord, how the Cosby children did many stupid things.

Theo always wanted to drop out of school.  Rudy was always picking on Bud.  Vanessa was always narcing on everyone.  Denise was boy crazy.  Sondra took her parents’ money to go to law school, then quit lawyering to open up a camping store with her dopey husband Alvin.

Such is the life of a parent.  Your kids disappoint you constantly, but you must love them anyway.  Clair gave swift verbal kicks to the behind to her children and husband early and often, never mean but always with firm, fairness and love.

Drop that hoagie, Cliff.  Too much salt.

#7 – Marge Simpson (Julie Kavner) – The Simpsons

Poor Marge.  She was so studious in the 1960s, as well as the 1990s as the show has rebooted the “How Marge and Homer Fell in Love Story” at least a couple of times now.

She wanted to do great things with her life but alas, one romp between the sheets with dumbass Homer left her raising a spikey haired demon boy and donut chomping moron for the rest of her life.

Even worse, she’s been waiting forever for a reprieve to come her way in the form of her kids growing up and moving out of the house but surprisingly, Maggie has been a baby, Bart has been 10 and Lisa 8 for almost 30 years now!

Marge, you may want to take your kids to see Dr. Hibbert.  They may have stunted growth from second hand donut crumbs.

Bonus points to Marge for being able to maintain such a tall, stylish blue beehive while having to deal with so much mischief.

#6 – Peggy Bundy – (Katey Sagal) – Married with Children

Don’t get me wrong, 3.5 readers.  The women’s rights movement, was overall, a great thing that improved the lives of many a woman.

But…there was a loophole, one that by the time the 1980s rolled around, some (note that I said ‘some’ and not ‘a lot of’) savvy women like Peggy Bundy were exploiting the ever loving crap of.

Women had choices.  If they wanted to, they could still choose to stay at home and raise a family and take care of the house.  Or, if they wanted to, they could go out into the world, trailblaze their way into a career, and become empowered as they bring home the bacon.

Peggy Bundy did neither.  She split the difference by staying home and doing nothing…literally, absolutely, positively…nothing.

The days when it was considered appropriate to complain to your stay at home wife that the house was a mess and there was no dinner on the table were gone.

Al Bundy (Ed O’Neill) found himself at a new stage in human history, namely, the one where the husband is just expected by everyone to suffer while his loophole exploiting wife (and again, I’m not saying every or even many women do this) doesn’t bring any money into the household so he has to work more but also doesn’t lift a finger to help out, so he still has to wash his own clothes, do his own dishes, cook his own food, etc.

Men unfortunate enough to find themselves with a wife like Peggy are expected to suffer in silence.  Can’t complain that she’s not making money because it’s her choice.  Can’t complain that she didn’t clean up the house because damn it, don’t you know women are more than homemakers now?

Al, of course, was never one to suffer in silence.  While Peggy sat at home and watched TV and ate bon bons all day in the same red beehive hairdo and leopard print outfit, he’d slave away all day at the shoe store, taking all manner of abuse from overweight women who hated his guts because he wasn’t able to help them find a shoe to their liking.

Al would complain vociferously that Peg would never cook or clean or do anything for him but the days of the 1950s where people gave a shit about the plight of the starving, dirty shirt wearing man were over.

Yes, there are plenty of women who choose to stay at home and they do a bang up job of making sure their husbands and kids always have something to eat and clean clothes to wear.

Yes, there are plenty of women who go to work and bring up fat stacks of cash so their families can buy all the stuff they want.

Yes, there are even plenty of women who go to work, make those fat stacks of cash, and still go that extra mile to keep the household running like clockwork.

But, there’s also a slim minority of women who manage to game the system.  Women like the Pegster, who just get their money by stealing their husband’s wallets (Al always had to hand onto his for dear life) and then allow their homes to fester into stinking piles of crap while they watch television, grow their beehives out and complain about their husbands, i.e. the only people who are doing anything to help anyone in the family.

You almost have to applaud Peggy for being smart enough to figure out how to game the system.

#5 – Roseanne (Roseanne Barr) – Roseanne

Yes, the 1980s brought us shows that broke the “perfect family” convention.  Married with Children was one such show and Roseanne was another.

Roseanne Connor definitely took the June Cleaver mold and broke it, then threw the pieces into the trash can.

Like many families, hers was dirt poor.  Husband Dan (John Goodman) was always out of work or underemployed.  He tried his best but work was hard to come by and didn’t pay much when he found it.  She supplemented the family’s income by waitressing, working at a factory run by a young George Clooney with black hair and doing all sorts of minimum wage slave jobs.

She did not do it with a smile on her face and she did not suffer fools lightly.  Whether at work or at home, she took no crap from anyone.  On a regular basis, she told bosses, kids, husband and wacky sister Jackie where to stick their problems – right up their butts, because she was too busy and exhausted to baby them.

Sure, she always found time to bail everyone out of a jam but those who crossed her met with her wrath.

It was a show people could relate to.  People were poor.  They had jobs and home life responsibilities.  They were tired.  No one had the time anymore to gussy themselves up like June Cleaver.  Mom didn’t just have to work to be empowered.  She had to work just to keep the family from going under.  No one had time to June Cleaver anything.

#4 – Elyse Keaton (Meredith Baxter Birney) – Family Ties

Ahh, the 1980s.  The Reagan Era.  The time when the stock market was booming, businesses were exploding with profits and there was a new renaissance of commercial expansionism.  Simply put, the country was raking in dough hand over fist.  Yuppies (young urban professionals) were everywhere and the country lived by Gordon Gecko’s Wall Street mantra, “Greed is good.”

It was a tough time for ex-1960s flower children like Steven (Michael Gross) and Elyse Keaton.  They were parents now, so they had to put away their tie dye shirts and protest signs and actually get jobs to make money for their families, i.e. they had to “work for the man,” something they swore they’d never do at Woodstock.

Even worse, they had to watch their kids, Alex (Michael J. Fox) and Mallory (Justine Batemen) become capitalist, commercialist little shits.

While Steven and Elyse had spent their youths fighting the power and standing up to the man, their kids had become total squares.  Alex was a money obsessed Reaganite who was counting down the days until he could leave and run off to Wall Street.  Meanwhile, while Mallory wasn’t smart enough to care about Wall Street, she was a greedy consumer, a mall, boy, shopping obsessed teenage girl who could care less about the latest cause because she was too busy finding the best outfit.

Yup.  That was the 1980s, where the kids had become lamer than their parents.

Somehow, Elyse kept the family going.  She was an architect who designed buildings by day and took care of her family by night.  You can take the girl out of Woodstock but you can’t take the Woodstock out of the girl.

#3 – Kitty Forman (Debra Jo Rupp) – That ’70s Show

Poor Kitty.  It was the 1970s and she had to deal with perpetually angry husband Red (Kurtwood Smith) always threatening to put his foot up the ass of their wayward son, Eric (Topher Grace).  On top of that, she worked as a nurse where patients she’d gotten attached to would die all the time.  Did I mention that daughter Laurie (Lisa Robin Kelly) was a big time ho bag with a penchant for allowing herself to be used by unscrupulous older men?

Oh, and there was always, literally always a plethora of kids in her basement aka Eric’s friends whose parents weren’t up to snuff so she had to mother all of them as well.

Yet somehow, Kitty put up with all of this with a smile on her face…literally a big, bright beaming smile and a nervous laugh whenever things got out of hand.  She was a “smile when your heart is aching” kind of gal but once in a blue moon she would lose her cool and explode all over whoever was causing trouble, often to hilarious results.

#2 – Carol Brady (Florence Henderson) – The Brady Bunch

Carol Brady.  She was the mom of the type of family that “the Man” didn’t want to admit existed – mixed, blended families where Moms and Dads got together and brought their children from previous marriages with them.

Society didn’t approve.  Apparently, women who were divorced or widower men who had lost their wives were just supposed to sit around and be depressed all day and never find love again.   But Mike and Carol defied convention and made TV history in the process when they got together and formed the Brady Bunch.

Carol ran the family like a boss.  Hell, she even subcontracted her motherly duties to housekeeper Alice because those were the days when it was considered socially acceptable to hire a random old lady to clean your house and parent your kids for you, pay her a salary that was the rough equivalent of the leftover pocket change in your couch cushions so you could spend your time on more important things like finding stylish 1960s lady pantsuits with bell bottom cuffs.

Yup.  Carol was the woman that every 1960s kid wanted as their mother, even though she got Alice to do all the mothering for her.  Ain’t no one got time for that shit.

#1 – Shaft (Richard Roundtree) – Shaft

Oh, what?  A man can’t be a mother?  You simple minded bumpkins need to shape up and get woke.

No, Shaft didn’t have time to raise any damn kids.  He was too busy solving mysteries, fighting crime, and getting down with fine ass 1970s babes.

Still, the theme song speaks for itself:

Shaft Theme Song (Sung by Isaac Hayes)

ISAAC:

Who’s the black private dick
That’s a sex machine to all the chicks?

CHORUS:

Shaft!

ISAAC:

You’re damn right!

Who’s  the man that would risk his neck for his brother, man?

CHORUS:

Shaft!

ISAAC:
Can ya dig it?

Who’s the cat that won’t cop out when there’s danger all about?

CHORUS:

Shaft!

ISAAC:
Right on.
You see this cat Shaft is a bad mother

CHORUS:

Shut your mouth!

But I’m talkin’ about Shaft.

CHORUS:

Then we can dig it.

ISAAC:

He’s a complicated man but no one understands him but his woman

CHORUS: John Shaft.

Yup.  Shaft might have been all man, but you can’t argue with a good theme song.  He was the baddest mother around.

Did I miss your favorite TV mother, 3.5 readers?  You can leave your own tribute to her in the comments.

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Top Ten Politically Correct Yo Momma Jokes

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Ah, the Yo Momma joke.  What is it about a good Yo Momma joke that can leave an opponent fuming with anger?  Perhaps the strength of these jokes, in an ironic way, displays the love people have for their mothers.  After all, these jokes make people mad because people love their mothers.  You might disagree, but when was the last time you ever heard someone tell a “Yo Papa” joke.  Probably never.

Oh, the happy memories I have of gathering together with my fellow school chums as we made inappropriate jests about each other’s mothers.

But times have changed.  It is necessary to be politically correct now.  Safe spaces.  Trigger warnings.  All are necessary to be a woke citizen of 2017 (or current year.)

From BQB HQ in East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Politically Correct Yo Momma Jokes:

#10 – Yo Momma is So Fat…

TRANSLATION:  Sir, your mother is so obese that I considered referring her to a reputable weight loss program.  However, I realized that she’s perfect just the way she is and that I am the one with the problem for thinking otherwise.  Ergo, I will seek a support group for people who are literally Hitler who are trying to stop being literally Hitler.

#9 – Yo Momma is So Poor…

TRANSLATION:  Sir, your mother is so poor and personally, I blame this horribly oppressive capitalist society we live in, the one that, as we all know, is run by the top one percent.

#8 – Yo Momma is So Stupid…

TRANSLATION:  Sir, your mother’s lack of a formal education, though no fault of her own due to our failing public school system, which, by the way, the failure of which is no one’s fault but the top one percent who refuse to poor more money into our nation’s failing schools, is threatening her empowerment as a woman.  If she so chooses, I would gladly recommend a GED program, but I hope she understands I am in no way insinuating that she is somehow less than anyone else who holds a degree of any kind.  After all, we are all special in our own unique ways.

#7 – Yo Momma is So Ugly…

TRANSLATION:  Sir, your mother, while not bearing a strict resemblance to what society  deems to be, quote unquote, “beautiful,” should rest assured that beauty is nothing more than a societal construct, with no actual bearing in reality.  Beauty can mean many different things to different people and therefore, your mother qualifies as beautiful and should not be led to believe otherwise.

#6 – You Momma is Such a Ho…

TRANSLATION:  Sir, I’ll have you know that I heard a rumor that your mother is of a promiscuous character.  However, I shall have you know that I told the gossipy rapscallion that slut shaming is by far one of the most offensive trends to grip our nation and no reputable person of good character and moral decency should be engaging in it.  Promiscuity is a non-existent concept and your mother is of a sound mind and therefore, she should be free to exercise her own free will regarding her sexual needs without fear of judgment from others who have not had to walk in her shoes

#5 – Yo Momma is So Smelly…  

TRANSLATION:  Sir, it has come to my attention that your mother’s hygiene habits may be sub par.  Then again, let he who has never skipped brushing his teeth or taking a bath cast the first stone.  By the way, when I say, “cast the first stone,” I realize that some may construe that statement in a religious context.  I apologize to those who are offended by that interpretation and ask them to understand that I only mean it in a non-judgmental tone.  Further, I understand that one’s intent to offend or not offend should never be considered but rather, if someone was offended, then that is all that matters and an apology most be broadcasted immediately, regardless of a lack of ill intent.

#4 – Yo Momma is So Hairy…

TRANSLATION:  Sir, your mother is so hairy and I for one applaud her for not following traditional constructs of gender specific grooming habits, which as we all know, are perpetrated by the patriarchy, to make all women feel less than.  Women should never be hair shamed into shaving their legs or arm pits and all men who suggest otherwise should be thrown into reeducation camps until they change their insensitive ways.

#3 – Yo Momma is So Crazy…

TRANSLATION:  Sir, it has been brought to my attention that your mother suffers from a mental illness.  Please note that I am here for you and your mother in this trying time and I will gladly help her seek the requisite psychiatric attention required to help her either cure, treat, or otherwise live a functional life despite this mental condition.  Wait, please forgive me, as I now realize that I have offended you and your mother by implying that her mental condition is some kind of problem when instead, it should be considered a blessing because it makes her special and unique.  Please excuse me while I transport myself to a reeducation camp.

#2 – Yo Momma is So Flat Chested…

TRANSLATION:  Sir, some fellows that we are both acquainted with have implied that your mother’s breasts are small and not on par with women with larger breasts.  Fear not, for I informed these fellows that their statements were balderdash, and that it is an illogical fallacy to assume something as ridiculous as the idea that men actually prefer large breasts over small ones.  Everyone knows that love of breasts of any size is just a social construct and that men are fooled into believing they like breasts by an unfair society.  They don’t actually possess any inner desire or instinct to actually like breasts.

#1 – Your Momma’s Glasses are So Big…

TRANSLATION:  Sir, your mother’s glasses are large.  I am glad to hear it, for everyone with vision problems deserves nothing less than quick and convenient service from a reputable neighborhood optometrist.

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