Oh March. If the rest of the year is the Three Stooges, then you are the Shemp. No one really wants to see you but what the hell, you’re here, we’re here, so we’ll do this thing anyway.
From Bookshelf Q. Battler Headquarters in fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Reasons Why March is the Worst:
#10 – You Have to Finally Admit the New Year Has Begun (And Start Working on Your Resolutions)
Yeah, on January 1 you said you go on a diet but by January 2 you were at McDonalds telling the drive-thru worker to just hook a Big Mac IV up to your veins.
“Oh, I’ll start my diet tomorrow,” you said…for two frigging months! Now March is here. Christmas and New Year’s is so far in the rearview mirror now. You have run out of excuses to procrastinate. Start sucking on rice cakes and tap water already.
(Sigh. No one sue me, please. I doubt rice cakes and tap water is a good diet plan. If you are fat and want to be not fat, see a doctor. I’m just an asshole with a blog so what do I know?)
#9 – There’s No Day Off
What the eff? We’re fresh off a string of Thanksgiving in November, Christmas in December, MLK day in January, Presidents’ Day in February and now you’re going to tell me that we have to work this whole month straight through?
Son of a bitch. It’s like the Nazis won.
#8 – Everyone Uses St. Patrick’s Day as an Excuse to Drink
St. Patrick’s day. It’s a celebration of Irish pride and also that time when a man beat the shit out of a bunch of snakes with a stick until they left Ireland, thus earning him the right to be a called a saint.
Celebrating this holiday requires you to dress in green, put on a cardboard leprechaun hat, and drink a lot. It’s literally the only holiday where engaging in ethnic stereotypes is not only welcome but encouraged.
In theory, it seems like this could be a good holiday until everyone just uses it as an excuse to get wasted on a weekday.
#7 – The Ides of March
This is when Julius Caesar got the royal screw job from his good friend, Brutus. Et tu, Brute?
Beware the Ides of March. They are full of backstabbery and douchebaggery.
#6 – The Weather is Schizophrenic
It’ll be super cold so I have to be on a super warm coat. Then it’ll be slightly chilly so I’ll have to put on a light coat. I have to keep a smorgasbord of coats out and it becomes anarchy. Anarchy, I say!
#5 – March Madness
All year long people pretend like they are shit at math and then suddenly the dumbest people are putting together ten foot long flow charts of which college basketball team is going to beat who. These charts are so intricate that you need a slide rule and a calculator to figure them out and even then you might need a college math professor to explain them to you.
Even worse, people start pools. They ask you to bet money. You don’t want to but you don’t want to seem like a dick but you also don’t want to admit you don’t understand what any of that flowchart bullshit means. “Yeah, put a hundred on uh that team to beat that team and that team and…here, just take the money. Just take the money and go away.”
#4 – Midterms
I’m old as shit but as I recall, this is when the young people have exams? I don’t remember because in my day, exams consisted of having to fight a charging wildebeest with your bare hands. Every subject. Fight a wildebeest. Math? Wildebeest. Science? Wildebeest. Home economics? Wildebeest. If you could defeat the wildebeest over and over, you were considered proficient enough to move on with your life and move up a grade.
#3 – Spring Break
Also, isn’t this the time when the young people go on Spring Break? Sigh. I could never afford Spring Break. Also, I didn’t have you know, one of those sets of parents who you could just say, “Give me lots of money so I can go to a tropical paradise and frolic naked with a bunch of naked drunk idiots and make poor decisions” and then have said parents be like, “Sure! Take the requisite amount of money to make that happen!”
So maybe if you’re a youngster, March doesn’t suck so bad then. It sucks for me though because now I do have the requisite amount of money required to go to a tropical environment and engage in poor decision making, but I’m too old to do so.
#2 – March is Suddenly the New Blockbuster Month
The past couple of years, Hollywood is so flush with superhero flicks that they spread some of them out to March. They figure if the movies are great, people will see them even if it is March. If they suck, then better movies have a chance to thrive in the summer without this shitburger stinking up the summer season.
“Batman vs. Superman.” Ugh. Say no more.
#1 – Sometimes Easter Happen in March, Sometimes it Doesn’t
It’s like, sometimes Easter happens in March but more often it happens in April. So March can’t even be relied upon to always bring about a holiday in which the savior’s resurrection is celebrated by hiding eggs and biting the ears off of chocolate bunnies.l