Tag Archives: conspiracy theories

GET MY FREE BOOK!

Hey 3.5 readers.

I have a new FREE short on Amazon. Totally FREE. Did I mention it is FREE? Now and for the next few days you can get a FREE copy.

Harry Blanding is a crazy old conspiracy theorist…or is he?

Every day he arrives at a subway stop in New York City, ringing a bell as he shouts out wacky claims, each one sillier than the next. Pudding cup labels that contain subliminal messages. A nuclear warhead stockpile inside Teddy Roosevelt’s head on Mt. Rushmore. Bigfoot is a hitman in the employ of Russian spies.

Absurd, right? When cell phone videos of Harry’s antics go viral, most assume the old man is a performance artist with a twisted sense of humor.

One particular agency that may or may not exist isn’t laughing.

GET YOUR FREE COPY TODAY!

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Get My Next Short!

Boy, 3.5 readers, my little Amazon catalog sure is growing.

My third short, “The End Is Nigh” is now available. Wacky conspiracy theorist and alleged nutball Harry Blanding shows up at a subway stop every day, ringing his bell while he blurts out his absurd claims.

Most believe him to be a performance artist with an absurd sense of humor, but when cell phone footage of Harry’s antics goes viral, one particular government agency that may or may not exist is not laughing.

Get your copy today:

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Conspiracy Corner with Tin Hat Ted – Top Ten Biggie/Tupac Death Conspiracy Theories

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By: Tin Hat Ted, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Conspiracy Theorist

Hello 3.5 readers (if that is your real name.)

Tin Hat Ted here (if that is my real name.)

Biggie.  Tupac.  They were the greatest rappers of the 1990s, and yet, both were gunned down in their prime, although lets be honest, pizza probably would have achieved the mission of the assassin’s bullet on Biggie by now anyway, though Tupac could very well still be belting out new tunes.

And you never know.  Lil Kim might have put Biggie’s ass on Jenny Craig, so perhaps he could have been here with us too.

The cases have never been solved, but here are my Top Ten Conspiracy Theories Regarding the Deaths of Biggie and Tupac:

#1 – Biggie and Tupac Invented Time Travel

The general public was unaware of this, but when Lil Kim wasn’t busy rapping about how tasty her pussy was, she was a brilliant mathematician and scientist.  My research indicates that Lil Kim, in her off hours, achieved the unthinkable – she cracked the equation that was necessary for time travel and built a working time machine.

After constructing the device in 1997, Lil Kim intended to use it to stop World War II, but alas, Biggie stole it and used it to travel back one year to 1996, where he then shot Tupac in Vegas.

Tupac, genius that he was, had already built a time machine of his very own.  He carried it in his pocket, for it was very small.  In the seconds before he was hit before Biggie’s bullet, Tupac obtained instant revenge by traveling forward one year, killing Biggie, then returning to his own time to sacrifice himself rather than interfere with the space time continuum.

Note that Tupac could have traveled to any time, like if he wanted to, he could have traveled to the 1970s and smothered Biggie in his crib when he was a fat baby, but instead, he selflessly traveled to the future and shot Biggie at a time when Biggie was celebrating, thinking he had successfully capped Tupac without repercussion.

It was all very East Coast vs. West Coast.  Nothing was going to stop that feud, not even the bounds of time.

#2 – Alt Rockers 

Alt rockers knew that their brand of clinically depressed music would never last past 2000, whereas rap was here to stay.  I mean, seriously dude, compare songs about heartache and loss versus upbeat jams about partying, drinking, smoking weed and blasting pussy and shit, there’s no comparison.

Witnesses I spoke to indicate that grungy flannel shirt wearing guitar players may have wanted the rap game’s two biggest players on ice in hopes that rap would fizzle and alt rock would continue.

I can’t confirm this happened, however, rap remained strong even after the loss of Tupac and Biggie.  This is largely due to Biggie’s protege, P-Diddy, who carried on for the East Coast, whereas Snoop Dogg kept the West Coast rocking.

Alt Rockers had no proteges or a next generation, so after 2000, the flannel look went kaput.

#3 – They Shot Themselves By Accident

I’m not sure about this but as far as I know, neither men were gun safety experts or trained marksman, so it’s not impossible that they just tucked their gats into their pants and then the guns accidentally went off.

#4 – Angry White Mothers

Angry white mothers were mad as shit in the 1990s, pissed that music, particularly rap, was so full of naughty words.  I’m working a story that suggests a mini-van full of pistol packin’ suburban soccer moms may have performed drive-bys on both of our favorite rappers.

#5 – The CIA

I’ve yet to determine why the CIA might have wanted Tupac out of the picture.

However, take these lyrics from Biggie’s “Juicy” in 1994:

Now I’m in the limelight, because I rhyme tight.

Time to get paid, blow up the World Trade.

Could it be that Biggie was a modern day Nostradamus, embedding warnings to the world of tragedies to avoid in his raps?

Historians might point out that there was an earlier attempt to blow up the World Trade Center in the early 1990s that Biggie was likely referring to.

However, at this time, we cannot rule out the possibility that Biggie was a clairvoyant.

#6 – They Faked Their Own Deaths

I’m currently investigating a claim that only Biggie and Tupac shaped mannequins were shot on the fateful days in question.  I have a source who tells me there may or may not be a bed and breakfast in upstate Vermont run by two men who fit Tupac and Biggie’s descriptions.

Does this mean that Tupac and Biggie fell in love and decided to run away together, in a time when there love would most certainly not have been accepted by the misogynist rap game of the early 1990s?

Possibly.  Then again, maybe they were just platonic friends who liked chilly New England winters and making waffles for tourists.

#7 – Biggie and Tupac Were Aliens

It’s clear that Biggie and Tupac were above average rappers, perhaps too good…perhaps their genius came from out of this world space brains from another galaxy.  When it was time for these extraterrestrial beings to return to their home planets, they shed their human forms, covered it up with an elaborate rouse, then boarded their space ships to rap again in their alien forms.  Perhaps they will return one day to entertain us again…and rap about bitches.  So many bitches.

#8 – Angry Bitches

Bitches got mad they were being called bitches and sought payback.  Don’t mess with angry bitches.

#9 – The Illuminati

Biggie and Tupac were slated by the Illuminati to become famous politicians.  Unfortunately for them, Biggie and Tupac defied the Illuminati and pursued their rap ambitions.  The Illuminati was not pleased.

#10 – The Yakuza

I’m unaware as to how Biggie and Tupac might have offended the Yakuza.  However, the Yakuza has a hand in everything.

NOTES:  Keep in mind these are all mere theories.  I have no hard evidence.  Without confirmation, you must consider all of these theories untrue and unfounded.

YOUR THEORIES

Do you have a conspiracy theory regarding the deaths of Biggie and Tupac?  Let me know in the comments below.

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Conspiracy Corner with Tin Hat Ted – Are You a Lizard Person? Take this Handy Quiz and Find Out!

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By:  Tin Hat Ted, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Conspiracy Theorist

Ahh, the lizard people.  They live among us, you know, biding their time, working their scaly ways into positions of high social standing, waiting for the precise moment to strike and then BAM!  They embrace their true forms and we end up as their slaves.

Fun fact though.  Not every lizard person is aware that he or she is a lizard person.  Some lizard people have been wearing their human skin suits for so long that they went and forgot that they are lizard people, swapping out their fake human identities as their own.

Your neighbor, doctor, lawyer, proctologist, butcher, baker, or candlestick maker might be a dirty, disgusting lizard person!  Maybe your wife, your brother, sister, uncle or dog walker appears human on the outside but on the inside, they’re nothing but no good, dirty rotten, scaly ass sons of bitches.

Even worse….YOU could be a lizard person and not even know it.

But don’t freak out yet.  Take this handy quiz, for it is the only way to know if you’re a true blue human or a lizard person bent on world domination.

#10 – Do you like to eat flies?

Look, I’m not talking about that time you stuck your head out the car window while the car was rolling down the highway to get some fresh air because your cousin in the back seat farted and a bug flew down your throat.

If you gagged on that bug and were disgusted by the experience, good for you.  If you thought, “Hmm, this bug it tasty” then you could be a dirty lizard person.

(By the way, I don’t care how bad that fart was, keep your damn head in the car because sticking it out while the car is moving is a good way to lose your head.  You want your mother to have to go to your funeral and you don’t even have a head anymore?)

Ultimately, one or two bugs in a lifetime is inconclusive.  However, if you find yourself sitting down to a heaping bowl full of flies, bugs, wasps and other assorted insects then yes, you’re a lizard person.

#9 – You Think About Global Domination Twenty Times a Day

Less than twenty times a day?  You’re just an average human politician of any political party.

More than twenty?  Lizard person.

#8 – You Have Red Eyes in All of Your Photos

You definitely want to get your camera checked first but if it’s a finely calibrated machine then yes, it’s going to pick up the redness of your eyes underneath your faux human eyeballs.

#7 – Dogs Don’t Like You

Dogs are friendly as all get out so unless its a dog with a bad attitude, then it’s barking at you because he’s trying to tell all the humans around, “Bark, bark!  That’s a damn lizard person!”

#6 – You Have Detachable Genitalia

Fun fact.  All human suits worn by lizard people come with detachable genitalia.  Lizard people simply detach their fake human dongs and cooters after sex, pop them in the dish washer and presto, change-o!  They’re good as new and fresh as a daisy!

The good news?  Your nether regions are very sanitary.  The bad news?  You’re a lizard person.

#5 –  You’ve Been Receiving Strange Magazines

Suspicious titles (that you don’t remember ordering) include:

  • Lizard People Weekly?
  • Global Domination Times
  • Pretending to Be Human on a Dollar a Day
  • Lizard Fashions
  • Gourmet Bug Cooking

#4 – All of Your Relatives Are Lizard People 

In public, lizard people wear their human skin suits and never tell any humans about their plans for global domination.

In private, lizard people pop those human suits off and let their scaly butts hang out.  If a bunch of lizard people have shown their true forms to you, then I’m sorry to be the one to have to tell you, but you’re one of them and they already know it.

Lizard people wouldn’t trust you with the knowledge that they are lizard people unless you are part of their lizard family.

#3 –  You Can Lick Your Own Eyeballs

Partially disgusting.  Partially awesome.  Ultimately, not normal tongue behavior.

#2 – You Have Strange Thoughts

“I want to conquer the world!”

“All must bow down to me!”

“Bugs are tasty!”

If you’ve ever had any of these thoughts, you’re probably a lizard person.

#1 – That One Time Your Face Fell Off and You Looked In the Mirror and Saw You are a Damn Lizard Person

Truly, the most undeniable evidence.  If your human face fell off and you found yourself staring at a lizard person in the mirror, then there’s no getting around the fact that you are a lizard person.

In Conclusion…

If you suffer from any of the above conditions, then I’m sorry, but you’re a lizard person. Please report to your nearest lizard person detention center immediately.

Do you think you might be a lizard person?  Report yourself in the comments…

 

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Conspiracy Corner with Tin Hat Ted – My First Column

By: Tin Hat Ted, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Conspiracy Theorist

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Good day, 3.5 readers.  Tin Hat Ted here.  I’d like to thank Bookshelf Q. Battler for allowing me the opportunity to share my conspiracy theories on his blog.  While I am convinced that BQB is a high ranking official in the lizard people army and his blog is but a mere rouse designed to brainwash 3.5 humans into the ways of the lizard, I’ve got to get my start somewhere and it’s not like any other blogs are answering my many, many, many calls.

First, a little bit about me.  I was but a humble waiter when I first began hearing the alien voices in my head.  You don’t hear them because the average human mind can’t comprehend them, but rest assured those voices are there, telling you to do things you don’t really want to do all day long.  That’s why you eat fast food, buy expensive products you don’t need and watch TV shows that are utter garbage.  The aliens are trying to make you fat, stupid and poor so you’ll offer little resistance when their drop ships arrive full of shock troops.

That’s why I wear this very fashionable tin hat.  It keeps the aliens from implanting subliminal messages into my mind.  It also keeps them from reading my mind.  There are many nuggets of information I don’t want the aliens to have, let me tell you.

In fact, I will tell you.  Here are my latest conspiracy theories.  Just keep this all on the down low because if the various forces behind the scenes ever found out that any of this went public, they’d blow a gasket.  Good thing this blog is only read by 3.5 readers.

Conspiracy Theory #1 – J. Edgar Hoover is Alive and is a Woman

Former FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover is alive and well, having had his brain implanted into the brain of a female test subject, thus killing two proverbial birds with one stone, namely, achieving the director’s ambition to live into perpetuity and to become a woman.  At this time, I have no reason to believe that Hoover is working for or against the government, at least in any official capacity.  My sources, comprised mostly of meth addicted truckers I hang out with at the local Waffle House, indicate that Hoover just wants his Hoover time.  He wants to be left alone to enjoy his long dreamed of vagina, but will strike with the copious files full of dirty secrets he maintains if he is pressed.

Conspiracy Theory #2 – Newspapers are Written By Highly Intelligent Beavers

Print is dead.  The only reason this industry is still alive is the hardworking North American beaver.  By day, these buck toothed rodents build damns.  By night, they write newspaper articles under assumed names.  Don’t believe everything you read, by the way.  The beavers bring their own pro-beaver bias to the news.

Conspiracy Theory #3 – Walt Disney Continues to Run Disney

While Walt Disney was cryogenically frozen, word has it that he is sentient enough to groan loud enough that it can be heard by the scientists monitoring his cryo-chamber.  Walt gets final approval on every film Disney makes.  Studio execs play the latest films inside a little TV in Walt’s chamber, and then he groans once for yes and twice for no.  Witnesses report that Walt’s groans regarding the gay character in Beauty in the Beast were inconclusive, so they just rolled the dice.

Conspiracy Theory #4 – All Important People are Lizards

Most multi-millionaires, celebrities, politicians, business tycoons and other people of import are not people but rather, are lizard people wearing regular people masks.  If you’re ever feeling down about not making it as far as you hoped you would in life, don’t blame yourself.  It’s not your fault you aren’t a lizard.  The lizard people have their own network and if you aren’t in it, then the doors to success will never be unlocked for you.

I’m just confused as to why Bookshelf Q. Battler is a lizard person.  After all, he’s not very successful.

Conspiracy Theory #5 – Candy Rots Your Teeth so Dentists Can Put Trackers in Your Fillings

There’s been a form of sugar that is actually good for your teeth but the government has kept it off supermarket shelves for decades.  That’s because they want you to get cavities so they can put fillings in your teeth.  Sure, those fillings plug up your tooth holes, but they also contain tiny homing beacons that can tell the government where you are and what you are putting your mouth on at all times.

A) Be careful what you put your mouth on if you don’t want to be blackmailed by the government and B) be like me and do all your own dental work.  Oh, Bookshelf Q. Battler’s lawyer tells me to tell you to not do your own dental work but if you ask me, she’s probably part of the grand conspiracy.

CONCLUSION

Those are all the conspiracy theories I’m willing to share at this time, 3.5 readers.  If you have any you’d like to share, leave them in the comments.  Also, don’t forget to fashion a hat for yourself out of tin foil and wear it at all times.

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Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Conspiracy Theorist

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“Hey baby, wanna crinkle my foil?”

He seemed like such a sweet guy when you met him.  Alas, it wasn’t until after you fell for him that he started checking your purse for radio transmitters.

Ladies, is your man living in constant fear of “The Man?”

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Conspiracy Theorist:

10.  He owns a vast selection of tin foil hats, which he maintains prevent the government and/or aliens from reading his mind.  You’re not able to stop him from wearing his tin foil baseball cap out in public, but he’s not unreasonable.  He has agreed to stop wearing it backwards once he turns thirty.

9.  It isn’t easy to take him to a dinner party.  Your friends want to talk about movies, music and gossip.  He wants to talk about how Hitler and Bigfoot worked together on the JFK assassination and that this would be common knowledge were it not for the fact that the news media is controlled by a race of worm people disguised as human journalists.

8.  You can’t park your car in the garage.  He has it filled with a set made up to look like the Moon in an effort to prove that the Moon landing was a fake.

7.  Never takes you anywhere nice anymore.  Too busy writing a blog filled with nonsense for the benefit of 3.5 readers.  (I know what you are thinking but BQB is not a conspiracy theorist.  His tales about aliens, yetis and the zombie attack on East Randomtown are entirely true.)

6.  Once in awhile he pokes you in the shoulder for no reason other than to make sure you aren’t a hologram.  The Man, as he will explain, has been known to infiltrate the operations of those who are onto him by enlisting the aid of hologram girlfriends.

5.  Never goes to the doctor.  Convinced all doctors are trying to put a spy camera in his butt.

4.  All dates need to start an hour early so he can sweep your car for bugs, listening devices, and crumbs.  The first two are signs of lunacy.  The last one?  Well, that’s really your fault, you slob.  Stop eating donuts in the car.

3.  You’d ask him how his day was, but it is getting harder and harder not to dump him every time he swears that he is “so close” to proving that Elvis didn’t die but rather left to rule over a benevolent race of half-man/half-lizards who will one day land on Earth and show us the path toward inner peace.  So, you know, he’s not all doom and gloom.

2.  Bonus:  It’s easy to get him to do chores around the house.  Just point out to him that the government might think something is up if they see him just lying around doing nothing and that he’d better start taking out the trash and washing some windows to trick the Feds into thinking everything’s hunky dory.

  1.  Saves your toe nail clippings in the hopes of cloning you when the aliens take you away to toil in their intergalactic mines.  Is this psychotic or sweet?  You be the judge.  They’re your toe nail clippings, after all.
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