Tag Archives: customer service

Please Don’t Buy Assemble Yourself Furniture Ever Again

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

Please don’t buy furniture you have to assemble yourself.  Don’t do it.  Ever.  Never, ever, ever.  Just don’t do it.

Earlier this year I regaled you with how I ate $100 because I bought a desk that was missing parts and so infuriated was I that I just needed to get the thing into a dumpster and curl up in the fetal position and take deep breathes for 17 hours.

Maybe it wasn’t that bad, but still.

I told myself then I would never buy assemble yourself furniture ever again.

Then I did it again.  I bought a cabinet.  I liked the style and color and felt it would be a good fit for the space I wanted to put it in.

About an hour and a half into putting this thing together, I realize the entire back of the cabinet was not included.

Think that matters? Nope.  Because the pre-drilled holes the instructions say should be drilled already so I can screw the back (that isn’t there) also isn’t there.

So I throw a temper tantrum.  I curse like a sailor.  Worse than a sailor. I was very creative.

I examine this thing like the Zapruder film.  Maybe I’m missing something?  Am I looking at it wrong?  Maybe if I look at it in different ways, maybe I put it together upside down and I’ll find out I really should have done X, Y, Z and nope.  Nothing.  I was screwed.

I call customer service.  The lady says I can bring it back to the store for a refund or if I’d rather, they’d send me the replacement parts.

I think about it.  Well, I really do like the photos of the cabinet.  I really think it would look nice.  But then I ask myself, “Do I have faith that they won’t screw me again?”

Suddenly, I imagine the next 4 weeks of my life:

ME ON THE PHONE: Hey, you sent me a cabinet without the right parts.  I need a back and I need the sides with screw holes already screwed in.  I should drill them myself?  Fuck you, I’m not a carpenter.  Do I look like Bob Villa?  If I knew how to drill holes and shit I’d just buy some wood and make a cabinet myself.  Maybe that’s why Jesus was the savior because he was a carpenter and carpentry requires patience.  Anyway, send the right parts please.

ME ON THE PHONE A WEEK LATER:  Hi, I asked you to send me a back and  the side with screw holes but there must have been a mix-up because you sent me a basket of stale croutons and a framed photo of 1980s teen heart throb Corey Haim.  Can you send me a back and sides with drilled screw holes?

ME ON THE PHONE TWO WEEKS LATER:  Hi, me again.  Yeah, I asked for a back and sides with holes and you sent me a Corey Haim photo and a basket of croutons so I called you and asked you to send the right parts but instead you sent me a SpongeBob SquarePants DVD and a butter sculpture of Mike Tyson.  Why are we not understanding each other?  OK, you’ll send the right parts?  Good.

ME ON THE PHONE THREE WEEKS LATER:  Hi.  So, I got the Corey Haim photo, the croutons, the SpongeBob DVD, and the butter boxer but what I need is a back and sides with pre-drilled screw holes.  Yes.  Please.  This half put together cabinet has been in my living room forever now.  A family of raccoons just built a home in it.  OK, so this time you swear you’ll send me the correct and accurate parts.

ME ON THE PHONE FOUR WEEKS LATER: Hi.  I was just wondering why is it when I said “Send me a back and sides with screw holes” you apparently heard “a rubber clown nose” and two cancelled ticket stubs to a Menudo concert.  No.  No, I don’t want you to try again.  I give up.  I will enjoy lighting this half-put together cabinet on fire and what?  No, I will not pay for the expense of shipping you back the Corey Haim photo, the croutons, the…

So I told her I’d just bring it in and return it.  And, from this day forward, I will never buy anything that requires self-assembly.

First, I’m not a cobbler.  Doctors don’t send me do it yourself surgery kits so why the eff are furniture companies sending me do it yourself cabinet kits?

Second, there is apparently no pride in workmanship.  There’s no one in the factory who gives a shit if I get a cabinet that works. The pieces are complicated that the workers can just throw a bunch of shit in the box and no one finds out until dumbass me opens it up.

Maybe I don’t even blame them.  I can only assume the parts are made by little orphan Chinese kids who are grabbed up and forced into a childhood of slave labor for a nickel a day and the foreman is probably beating a drum and whipping them and telling them he’ll burn down their villages if they don’t pack X amount of boxes per day so I guess if that is the case (probably isn’t) then I guess I don’t blame those little Chinese kids for forgetting to drill my screw holes and for forgetting to add my back.

OK.  Enough ranting.  I have lost faith in the world.  Do you want to lose your faith in humanity too?  Then go on and buy assemble yourself furniture.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Pride in Work is Dead

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

Not to get into specifics because you never know when the Yeti might be listening, but recently, I upgraded BQB HQ and that required the purchase of a number of new appliances.

You take them out of the box, set them up, everything is right as rain, right?

Wrong.  You have no idea how much time I’ve spent on the phone with tech support and customer assistance the past few months.

I got a vacuum cleaner that wouldn’t suck and ironically, its inability to suck made it suck.  It was cheap so I thought I got a bargain but apparently it was cheap for a reason.  After multiple go arounds with customer service, I junked it and forked out the cash for a Dyson.  The Dyson works great and ironically, had I just bought a Dyson in the first place I could have afforded a better Dyson.

I bought a desk.  It came in a box.  I had to screw all the parts together.  It was missing parts.  I consulted with others who looked at it just to make sure I wasn’t crazy.  I wasn’t.  It was missing parts.  After a long tango with customer service I, you guessed it, junked it.  It was 100 bucks, which I guess is cheap for a desk but that was all I needed.  I gave up and just got a 20 dollar folding card table.  That’s my desk now.  WTF.

Yeah, in hindsight had I not spent so much on book covers for books I’ll never get published I probably could have bought a really fabulous desk but anyway….the lesson seems to be don’t buy cheap things because they are cheap for a reason.  I’ll buy a top of the line desk when I can afford it.  Until then, I might as well have saved the 100 and gotten the 20 dollar card table up front.

Except the buy top of the line doesn’t work either.  I treated myself to a fantastic TV.  TV is my life so I might as well have a good one.  I take it out of the box and…WTF…there’s a base that screws into the television but the screw holes in the back of the TV are nowhere close to where the screw holes in the base are.

After an hour of having a physics and engineering discussion with tech support, the guy said he’d send me a new part and I told him up front please like actually work on this because I already know you’re just going to grab the same part and mail it to me and I’m going to have a meltdown, not an angry meltdown but just an utter collapse of hope in the overall abilities of society and mankind.

Seriously, if I get the wrong part in the mail, that will be it.  It will be a sign that we have turned a corner in the world, pride in work is dead, and I will retreat to a corner and rock back and forth in the fetal position until it is my time to go.

Also, I hear they don’t make blogs as good as they used to.  I wouldn’t know.  This blog is superior to all blogs.  You laugh, but you’ve never logged on here, found the wrong post, and had me be all like, “Oh sorry, I’ll send you the right post in 7-10 business days but it will probably still be the wrong post.”

By the way, did I mention that earlier this year, I got a new laptop?  It was great and still as laptops go it is fine, but occasionally it overheats to the point where it is hotter than the surface of the sun.  It got so hot that rubber pieces attached to it melted off.  After many tangos with customer service I finally decided that it only overheats once in awhile and a laptop that occasionally burns me that I can’t leave plugged in while I’m gone for fear it will burn down BQB HQ is, as the quality of most products go, a freaking win, because at least it is, more or less, operational, and somewhere there is a guy whose laptop grows a leg and kicks him in the balls who would love an occasionally hot laptop.

Do you have a customer service nightmare you’d like to share?  Discuss in the comments.

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