Tag Archives: ebenezer scrooge

Nov 18 2017
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top ten lists, Uncategorized

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be Ebenezer Scrooge

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Ahh, Ebenezer Scrooge, that rich old prick that everyone loves to kick around come Christmas time.  Worked his ass off to earn all those duckets, but everyone acts like the old man’s fortune was just somehow magically given to him.  Oh well, screw it.  Haters gonna hate.  Am I right?

Your boyfriend.  He’s super cheap.  He’s never picked up a tab, and he’s always swiping all the coins from your car’s change tray.  But, is this dude really Ebenezer Scrooge?  Better check out my handy top ten list to be sure.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be Ebenezer Scrooge:

#10 – He’s extremely cheap.

Clips coupons.  Takes a penny from that little dish by the cash register but never leaves one even when he has many pennies to spare.  Re-uses toilet paper seventeen times before he throws it away and demands you do the same, limiting you to one and only one square.  Opened his wallet once.  Moths flew out.  Yup, that’s right.  It’d been so long since he had opened his wallet that two moths were able to crawl into it, fuck in some bizarre, freaky moth sex, have babies and raise a family, all inside the wallet.  Alas, the rare opening of said wallet led to their eviction.  Where will the moths go now?

#9 – Never lets you turn up the heat.

Girl, you have any idea how much oil costs?  You better get your damn hand off that thermostat and grab a sweater.  If Cratchitt wasn’t allowed an extra lump of coal for his fire, then you can just forget about turning up that knob.

#8 – He is a 19th Century, Elderly British Man

This really should have been a dead giveaway.  Seriously, girlfriend, I don’t want to start rumors, but everyone, and I mean EVERYONE was all like, “How that girl not see his old ass face and his big ass top hat?  Is she on drugs?”

#7 – Sees Ghosts When He Sleeps

If he sees them on Christmas Eve, he’s Scrooge.  If he sees them all year long, he’s tripping balls on acid, so get him to a doctor posthaste.  If he sees ghost on Christmas Eve and he’s not a 19th Century Elderly British man as discussed in #8, then he’s tripping balls on Christmas Eve and needs a doctor.

#6 – Says “Bah Humbug!” to Everything Except…

…pussy.  Yeah, I don’t care how grumpy Scrooge is, no man is ever gonna say, “Humbug!” to pussy.  Scrooge was a notorious pussy hound.  He really didn’t get enough credit for it.

#5 – Hates His Nephew

That could be a sign that he’s Scrooge but then again, I don’t care who you are, everyone has at least one asshole nephew…you know, that white kid that comes to every family gathering, you’re not really sure how he’s related to you and if you ask, your older relatives spend three hours explaining it, and he kind of has a rat face and a dirt beard and, oh Lord, he’s wearing dreadlocks.  He’s a white kid with dread locks!  But, OK, he’s family so don’t say anything…

#4 – Shitty to His Employees

Is your man a boss?  Has he ever complained about his underlings when they take off Christmas?  Yup.  He’s Scrooge.

#3 – Rocks a Nightshirt and Sleeping Cap

No one else can pull off that look.

#2 – Buys the Fattest Goose

Probably gonna give it to that girl that the street though, the one who is way hotter than you.  Sorry.  You don’t need him, girl, you can do better.

#1 – Saves Tiny Tim…Eventually

Is your man the type of person who could be aware that his trusty assistant’s son will soon die a horrendous, agonizingly painful death without swift and urgent medical care…and still need three ghosts to talk him into opening up his wallet?  Yup, your man is Scrooge.

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Dec 23 2014
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Books

The Daily Scrooge – Part 6

“I wish,” Scrooge muttered, putting his hand in his pocket, and looking about him, after drying his eyes with his cuff: “but it’s too late now.”

“What is the matter?” asked the Spirit.

“Nothing,” said Scrooge. “Nothing. There was a boy singing a Christmas Carol at my door last night. I should like to have given him something: that’s all.”

As discussed in yesterday’s post, A Christmas Carol is all about one man’s ability to change.  The ongoing question – do we have that ability?  Has anyone ever suffered from X issue only to one day come around and leave X issue in the past?  Feel free to share!

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Dec 22 2014
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Books

The Daily Scrooge – Part 5

But you were always a good man of business, Jacob,” faltered Scrooge, who now began to apply this to himself.

“Business!” cried the Ghost, wringing its hands again. “Mankind was my business. The common welfare was my business; charity, mercy, forbearance, and benevolence, were, all, my business. The dealings of my trade were but a drop of water in the comprehensive ocean of my business!”

If Charles Dickens were alive today, he’d totally have a show on MSNBC.  Moral of most of his works?  Greed=Bad.  Charity=Good.  Here, we have Marley’s Ghost, an apparition of Scrooge’s former business partner, lamenting the mistakes he made in life, urging Scrooge to not repeat them.

Marley keeps repeating the word “business.”  “Mankind was my business.  The common welfare was my business…”  No, in actuality, Marley did not make any of these good deeds his business when he was alive, but he is trying to say that he should have made these actions his business.

A Christmas Carol is all about change, and urging people to change their erroneous ways before it is too late.  What do you think?  Can people change, or are they destined to stay the same?

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Dec 21 2014
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Books

The Daily Scrooge – Part 4

How shall I ever understand this world? There is nothing on which it is so hard as poverty, and yet, there is nothing it condemns with such severity as the pursuit of wealth.

You have to admit, he’s got a point.  Life is undeniably difficult, if not impossible, as a person in abject poverty.  Ironically, people who keep that fact in mind and work hard and find ways to put as much financial distance as they can between themselves and poverty get villainized.

Dickens may have considered that with the character of Fezziwig, Scrooge’s original boss who got him into the money counting game.  Even though Fezziwig was wealthy, he always threw a big party on Christmas, and one can assume he always helped the less fortunate he encountered.

It is all a balancing act.  You’d hate to be poor.  People will hate you if you’re rich.  Either way, someone is going to hate something.

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Dec 20 2014
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Books

The Daily Scrooge – Part 3

A conversation between Scrooge and the ghost of his old partner, Jacob Marley, who has been dead for seven years at the start of the book:

“Man of the worldly mind!” replied the Ghost, “do you believe in me or not?”

“I do,” said Scrooge.  “I must.  But why do spirits walk the earth, and why do they come to me?”

“It is required of every man,” the Ghost returned, “that the spirit within him should walk abroad among his fellowmen, and travel far and wide; and if that spirit goes not forth in life, it is condemned to do so after death.  It is doomed to wander through the world — oh, woe is me! — and witness what it cannot share, but might have shared on earth, and turned to happiness!”

Again the spectre raised a cry, and shook its chain and wrung its shadowy hands.

“You are fettered,” said Scrooge, trembling.  “Tell me why?”

“I wear the chain I forged in life,” replied the Ghost. “I made it link by link, and yard by yard; I girded it on of my own free will, and of my own free will I wore it.  Is its pattern strange to you?”

Scrooge trembled more and more.

“Or would you know,” pursued the Ghost, “the weight and length of the strong coil you bear yourself?  It was full as heavy and as long as this, seven Christmas Eves ago.  You have laboured on it, since. It is a ponderous chain!”

Scrooge glanced about him on the floor, in the expectation of finding himself surrounded by some fifty or sixty fathoms of iron cable: but he could see nothing.

“Jacob,” he said, imploringly.  “Old Jacob Marley, tell me more.  Speak comfort to me, Jacob!”

“I have none to give,” the Ghost replied.  “It comes from other regions, Ebenezer Scrooge, and is conveyed by other ministers, to other kinds of men.  Nor can I tell you what I would.  A very little more, is all permitted to me.  I cannot rest, I cannot stay, I cannot linger anywhere.  My spirit never walked beyond our counting-house — mark me! — in life my spirit never roved beyond the narrow limits of our money-changing hole; and weary journeys lie before me!”

Marley and Scrooge had been cut from the same cloth – two penny pinchers who reveled in cheapskatery.  So arguably, Marley’s ghost being forced to drag around chains as punishment for the life he lived must be troubling for Scrooge, who lived the same life.  What is the significance of Marley having to wander around carrying chains?

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Dec 19 2014
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Books

The Daily Scrooge – Part 2

Scrooge’s discussion with two charitable collectors:

“At this festive season of the year, Mr. Scrooge,” said the gentleman, taking up a pen, “it is more than usually desirable that we should make some slight provision for the Poor and Destitute, who suffer greatly at the present time.  Many thousands are in want of common necessaries; hundreds of thousands are in want of common comforts, sir.”

“Are there no prisons?” asked Scrooge.

“Plenty of prisons,” said the gentleman, laying down the pen again.

“And the Union workhouses?”  demanded Scrooge.  “Are they still in operation?”

“They are.  Still,” returned the gentleman, “I wish I could say they were not.”

“The Treadmill and the Poor Law are in full vigour, then?”  said Scrooge.

“Both very busy, sir.”

“Oh!  I was afraid, from what you said at first, that something had occurred to stop them in their useful course,” said Scrooge.  “I’m very glad to hear it.”

“Under the impression that they scarcely furnish Christian cheer of mind or body to the multitude,” returned the gentleman, “a few of us are endeavouring to raise a fund to buy the Poor some meat and drink and means of warmth.  We choose this time, because it is a time, of all others, when Want is keenly felt, and Abundance rejoices.  What shall I put you down for?”

“Nothing!” Scrooge replied.

“You wish to be anonymous?”

“I wish to be left alone,” said Scrooge.  “Since you ask me what I wish, gentlemen, that is my answer.  I don’t make merry myself at Christmas and I can’t afford to make idle people merry.  I help to support the establishments I have mentioned — they cost enough; and those who are badly off must go there.”

“Many can’t go there; and many would rather die.”

“If they would rather die,” said Scrooge, “they had better do it, and decrease the surplus population.  Besides — excuse me — I don’t know that.”

“But you might know it,” observed the gentleman.

“It’s not my business,” Scrooge returned.  “It’s enough for a man to understand his own business, and not to interfere with other people’s.  Mine occupies me constantly.  Good afternoon, gentlemen!”

Right above, in that last part, Scrooge basically says that his life keeps him so busy that he can’t be bothered to worry about other people.  What do you think?  Do people get so busy and preoccupied with their own lives that they can’t spare a moment to help others?  Or, is this an excuse?  Do people just not want to be bothered to part with their time and/or money to help the less fortunate?

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Dec 18 2014
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Books

The Daily Scrooge

Quotes from Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol, now till Christmas, because…well, honestly, no reason:

“Nephew!” returned the uncle, sternly, “keep Christmas in your own way, and let me keep it in mine.”

“Keep it!” repeated Scrooge’s nephew.  “But you don’t keep it.”

“Let me leave it alone, then,” said Scrooge.  “Much good may it do you!  Much good it has ever done you!”

“There are many things from which I might have derived good, by which I have not profited, I dare say,” returned the nephew.  “Christmas among the rest.  But I am sure I have always thought of Christmas time, when it has come round — apart from the veneration due to its sacred name and origin, if anything belonging to it can be apart from that — as a good time: a kind, forgiving, charitable, pleasant time: the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow-passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys.  And therefore, uncle, though it has never put a scrap of gold or silver in my pocket, I believe that it has done me good, and will do me good; and I say, God bless it!”

The clerk in the tank involuntarily applauded: becoming immediately sensible of the impropriety, he poked the fire, and extinguished the last frail spark for ever.

“Let me hear another sound from you,” said Scrooge, “and you’ll keep your Christmas by losing your situation.  You’re quite a powerful speaker, sir,” he added, turning to his nephew.  “I wonder you don’t go into Parliament.”

What do you think?  Are there things in this world that don’t “put a scrap of gold or silver into your pocket, but do you good anyway?”  Or is anything that doesn’t bring you a profit a bunch of humbug?  Feel free to share in the comments.

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