Tag Archives: happy thanksgiving

A Thanksgiving Present For My 3.5 Readers

Happy Thanksgiving, 3.5 readers.

To show my appreciation for all the reading you have done on this fine blog, I set one of my twisted shorts, “The End is Nigh” to be FREE today and all throughout the Thanksgiving weekend.

That’s right. It’s totally FREE and you don’t have to pay anything because it’s FREE. Writers should never make a dime and should be totally punished for getting into such a fanciful, pie in the sky occupation and therefore, this book is FREE and you won’t have to pay a cent because again, it’s totes FREE!!!

What’s it about? It’s about Harry, a crazy old vagrant who stands in the middle of a subway station, ringing his bell and shouting out crazy conspiracy theories. Most people think he’s a wacko or a performance artist/impromptu stand-up comedian. However, when video of his antics goes viral, one government agency is not laughing. What has Harry stumbled into?

This is a short read, perfect for distracting you. You can totally sit on the couch and read this while pretending to listen to your Aunt Gertie’s boysenberry nut bread recipe or while your Uncle Fred is critiquing all of your life’s choices even though he hasn’t earned a paycheck since the Carter administration. (There was a president named Carter, millennial readers, look it up.)

Don’t have time to get your FREE book today? There’s always tomorrow, when all the family is gone and you know you should get back on your diet but damn it, you need one last piece of pie and some turkey and stuffing and you know, you could put that all into one sandwich and boy would that ever be a tall sandwich but damn it, it’s going to be delicious.

Don’t have time tomorrow? It’s still FREE this weekend and when you wake up well rested from your food coma, you might consider leaving me a nice review…or at this rate, even a terrible review. Just some sort of evidence that someone got to the end of it and had a reaction, be it good, bad or indifferent.

Get your FREE book for FREE today!!!

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BQB’s Top Ten Thanksgiving Foods to Shove in His Facehole

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Happy Thanksgiving, 3.5 readers.

What food stuffs are you going to be stuffing into your face hole today?

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are BQB’s favorites in no particular order:

10. STUFFING – My favorite and really the thing I look forward to the most. Why we don’t have it all year round I don’t know. I suppose I could if I knew how to cook. I’d make a joke that Video Game Rack Fighter could pause her latest game of Car Thief Mayhem and make me some, but then I’d get sued by Gloria Allred.

Where was I? Right. Stuffing. The only thing, and apparently I’m one of few who thing this way, I like just the regular good old plain stuffing. I don’t want celery or vegetable or sausage in it. Disgusting. I just want heaping forkfuls of seasoned mushy bread.

Alien Jones, zap me up some stuffing, will you?

9. TURKEY – Duh. A no brainer. Plus, it makes me sleepy so I have a built in excuse to fall asleep and not have to listen to the Yeti’s latest nonsensical super angry snow beast rants.

8. CRANBERRY SAUCE – Oddly, I was against this for many years. I never understood how it fit in with the rest of the dishes. Then I took the plunge and mixed some in with my stuffing and I was sold.  Like Vinny Baggadouchio’s advice, it does not suck.

7.  MASHED POTATOES – Much like my writing, they’re dry and bland. And for some reason, I don’t really want them any time of the year other than this time. Tradition I suppose.

6.  BISCUITS – Not just any biscuits. You have to get the kind that come in the vacuum sealed cardboard tube that have been packed in there so tight that when you open it up it rips a hole in the space-time continuum.  Such amazing technology could have only been invented by Dr. Hugo Von Science.

5. SWEET POTATO CASSEROLE – You wouldn’t know it to look at the furry little schmuck, but Bookshelf Q. Battledog is actually quite the chef. Every year he whips up a delicious sweet potato casserole.  He tosses in some marshmallow goo and some brown sugar.  I think he also tosses in some drool but I try not to think about that.

4.  CHOCOLATE CHIP COCONUT COOKIES – Search Engine Optimized Poet did a web search for these tasty treats and he’s been making them ever since.  It isn’t that hard. You just make chocolate chip cookies and add coconut. Then you write a poem about your baking experience.

3.  POTATOES AU GRATIN – So much starch, so little time. The Astounding Nerdstradamus loves cheesy French taters so much that he predicts that they will be the only thing that people eat in the year 7000.  I hope I make it until then but if not I’ll have to take his word for it.

2.  BANANA PUDDING – Of course Professor Nannerpants makes this dish but he is offended that you think of him in such stereotypical terms.

  1.  PIE – So much pie.  Any kind of pie. Pecan and apple are my favorites.

What say you, 3.5 readers? What will you be stuffing in your face hole this Thanksgiving?

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Things I Am Thankful For

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Happy Thanksgiving, 3.5 readers.

Here are some things that I, the great Bookshelf Q. Battler, am thankful for:

  • That I’m alive.  I’ve heard the alternative sucks.
  • Technology, and how it’s grown to the point where self publishing is possible.  Part of me wishes it was there when I was 20 and able to stay up all night running on nothing but Jolt Cola and blind ambition but oh well, better late than never, right?
  • Video Game Rack Fighter.  I’ll tell her as soon as she pauses Fallout 4.  It’s only been three days.  She’ll need a bathroom break sooner or later and…oh, wait.  THAT’S why she keeps that jug by the couch.
  • Bookshelf Q. Battle Dog – he may not look like much, but he’s devoured over a hundred intruders.  How he does it I have no idea, he’s so tiny.
  • The Magic Bookshelf – It’s a magic bookshelf.  What else can I say?
  • Not the Yeti – You suck, Yeti.
  • Not Dr. Hugo Von Science – You really let me down when you caused the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse.  Shame on your sir.  Shame.
  • The #31ZombieAuthors – Thank you for coming to my aid when I needed your zombie advice.  More importantly, thanks for seeing something in me that led you to say to yourselves, “Yeah, sure, this guy who calls himself ‘Bookshelf Q. Battler’ seems trustworthy enough.  I’m game for an interview.”  Whatever it was about me, my blog, my writing or whatever that convinced you to take a chance on me, thank you.  I’ll keep working on being worthy.
  • Alien Jones and The Mighty Potentate – Oh Mightiest of Potentates, thank you for sending your emissary, Alien Jones, the Esteemed Brainy One, to help me in my blogging endeavors.  May we one day inspire the masses to abandon the menace that is reality television.
  • Pop Culture Mysteries – Thank you, Jake and Delilah.  I swear, your time is coming ASAP and I will do all in my power to make it awesome.
  • Aunt Gertie and Uncle Hardass – You both drive me insane but I know you mean well.
  • Bernie “MC Plotz” Plotznick – best of luck in your efforts to go out on your own as a solo Funky Hunk.  Honestly, I’m tempted to join you but my 3.5 readers need me.  Speaking of..

LAST, BUT NOT LEAST:

  • The 3.5 readers – Not gonna lie.  I wish there were more of you.  Even 30.5 would put a bigger smile on my face.  But as long as 3.5 of you keep showing up to read my nonsense every day, I’ll keep churning it out.  I couldn’t have done it without you.  And I know that one day when I price my book at $3, I can count on you all to show up and send a cool $10.50 my way.  That’s dinner for Video Game Rack Fighter and I at Swanky Burger.  Not bad.  Not bad at all.

Enjoy your day and stuff your pie holes, 3.5 readers.  Feel free to tell me what you are thankful for in the comments.

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