Tag Archives: Movies

Aug 22 2016
21 Comments
Movies

Top Ten Moviegoers That I Can’t Stand

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Probably not the best stock photo, given that these people all seem to be observing movie theater etiquette…although that guy in the grey shirt with the soda may very well be dating both of those chicks.

Hello 3.5 readers.

For me, the theater is a sacred place.

You plunk down your cash.  You cut yourself off from the world for two hours and you enjoy a director’s vision as it unfolds upon the big screen.

But there are some people who just don’t get it.

Thus, from BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Moviegoers I Can’t Stand:

10.  The “What Have I Seen Him In?” Guy – This is the guy who demands that you tell him a) an actor’s name and b) a list of films the actor has been in.

Ignore this man at all costs as he’ll just insist on rehashing the actor’s entire resume while you’re missing out on what is happening on the screen.  Or better yet, tell him to go out in the hall and look that shit up on IMDB.  Either way, people are trying to watch a movie here.

9.  Asshat McGee Who Sits Right Next to or Right in Front of You When the Entire Theater is Nearly Empty – Look, I know I shouldn’t do it, but if the theater is close to being empty, I like to stretch out and put my fat smelly feet on the back of the seat in front of me. Can’t do it if someone’s dumb head is there and I can’t come out and ask that person to move so I can put my feet up so please, be courteous and don’t sit in front of a person if you don’t have to.

(Should there be a #9.5 Annoying Guy Who Puts His Feet Up on the Seat in Front of Him? Absolutely.)

Further, don’t sit next to a person if you don’t have to.  Keep at least one seat between you and another person if possible.  If the theater’s packed then it is a different story but if it is empty, don’t sit next to me, unless you’re a super hot chick, then sit next to me.

8.  Teenagers Who Have Conversations Throughout the Entire Movie – I get it. You all want to chat your dumb faces off and you want to be able to speak freely without being monitored by one of the parents of someone in your group, so instead of going to someone’s house, you go to the theater and then ignore the entire film and have a conversation right there in the theater.

Honest to God.  I’m trying to watch Fast and Furious Part 950: Dom’s Revenge and all I can hear is “OMG I can’t believe Becky is dating Brian AND Bobby, Hashtag Skank!”

Thought – go to a coffee shop instead and talk all night there. Its cheaper and hardworking, taxpaying Americans won’t be mad at you that you’ve ruined their moviegoing experience.

Yes, I know I’m starting to sound like Uncle Hardass.  This is inevitable.

The older we get, the more we all start sounding like critically acclaimed philosopher Uncle Hardass.

7.  Guy That Blames You For Picking the Movie if it Turns Out to Be Stupid – Up your nose with a rubber hose, turkey face.  Hollywood puts out like two damn movies every Friday. You’ve got a fifty/fifty shot that the movie you’re going to will either suck or blow.

In fact, you now have a one hundred percent chance that it will be a remake or a reboot of a movie that sucked and/or blowed in the past.

“I didn’t make the movie, ass face,” is a perfectly acceptable reply here, even if the person complaining is your husband, wife, child, second cousin twice removed, grandmother, or parish priest.

6.  Dummy Who Takes Too Long Deciding What They Want at the Concession Stand – Popcorn, candy and soda, jerkwad.  Literally the same shit for a hundred million years. That f%$king commercial where the popcorn, candy and soda dance the Charleston hasn’t changed since Eisenhower was president.  If it was good enough for the man who stormed Omaha Beach, then its good enough for you, clown.

5.  Jerkface Who Takes a Call During the Movie – Look, the point of going to the movies is to forget all your problems for two hours.  But I get it.  We all have lives. Keep your phone on vibrate just in case one of your loved ones gets in trouble.  If they text you for help,  you can text them back and write, “OK I will come rescue you after this movie is over.”

Really, its the only polite thing to do. If your spouse is hanging from one hand off a cliff, you’ve got to let them know that you need to find out whether or not the rebels will destroy the Death Star for the 10,000th time.

But, if you’re one of those do-gooders who thinks their friends and/or family is more important than a movie, then sure, by all means, get up, walk out of the theater, talk to this person on the phone in the hallway, then return to the theater when the conversation is done. Or even better, leave the theater entirely and come to the aid of your friend or family member.

And let’s be honest.  Those people who take calls and start chatting away while the film is rolling? None of them are having important conversations.  The people who do this are dopes who will sit there for two hours talking about nonsense while you’re trying to watch a movie.

4. The “What Did He Say?” Guy

Movies go by pretty fast.  Sometimes someone in your movie going party doesn’t catch what one of the characters said.

My general rule – if you whisper to me, “What did he say?” I will whisper what the person said back to you one time.

If you miss it, do not waste your energy whispering to me with a request to repeat what the character said a second, third, or fourth time.

I’m sorry but you’re screwed. You missed it.  Your movie going experience has been ruined. Don’t drag me down with you by making me tell you fifty times what a guy said twenty minutes ago, thus forcing me to miss twenty more minutes of screen time.

Really people, this is common sense.

3.  The “Its Just the Previews” Guy

Eff that noise.  Hollywood has carefully  crafted a series of trailers to educate me on the films that are coming soon to a theater near me.  Trailers are a time honored part of the movie going experience.  Your talking, farting, burping or what have you ruins it for me. Take it outside.

I run a blog for 3.5 readers.  Thus, I’m an important man who must budget his time wisely. Ergo, I must know what Hollywood has coming down the pike so I can relay that information to my beloved 3.5 readers.

I shouldn’t have to miss out on those previews just because you need to talk to your buddy on your cell phone about the tattoo you’re getting , or your comic book collection, or even when you need to tell your loved one to wait and be calm and you’ll be there to pull them out of the car wreck they just had as soon as possible. (Eh, I’m not a complete ogre, if you need to do that last one during the previews, I can let it slide, but really, only during the previews.)

2.  Commentary Guy

This guy takes a number of forms.  The person might start arguing with a character, or he might make sound effects.  “Boo yeah!  That guy got it!  And he had it coming!”  or “Damn girl, don’t go for that dude, you can do way better!”

If you want to commentate on movies, start your own blog and get your own 3.5 readers. Unless I’m one of your 3.5 readers, I don’t want to hear your commentary on movies while I am trying to watch one.

1.“Rude to the Minimum Wage Slaves” Guy

If you didn’t like the movie, or you had some kind of special request (i.e. the “I want three ice cubes in my soda and each cube must be carved to match the likeness of three U.S. presidents who held office during the 1800s”) give the staff a break.  They work for peanuts and they usually take these jobs because they like the movies and want to be around them as much as you do, you big dummy.

RUNNER UP:

Dude Trying to Get to Second Base and Can’t Quite Make It – Sir, your incompetence with the fairer sex is ruining my cinematic experience.  Either be a dog and go in for that hooter or be a gentleman and keep your hand on your own knee.  Make a decision for crying out loud.

Either way, this constant hand flapping around in the breeze “should I or shouldn’t I?” thing that you’re doing is very annoying.  Really, this is a theater, not a bordello sir, so get a room and stop annoying people who have paid their hard earned cash to enjoy this Kevin Hart film.  We’re already suffering enough.

What things do people do at the movie theaters that you can’t stand, 3.5 readers? 

Discuss with BQB in the comments!

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Aug 21 2016
2 Comments
Movie Reviews

Movie Review – Sausage Party (2016)

“Once you see that shit, it will f%$k you up for life.”

So said the talking twinkie and I gotta be honest, he wasn’t kidding.

If you see this movie, it might very well f%*k you up for life.

But then again, if you saw the trailer and went anyway, you were probably f%&ked up to begin with.

That doesn’t say much about me since I saw the trailer and went to it anyway.

SPOILER ALERT – I can’t really discuss it without spoiling it so, if you’re worried about that, read no further.

BQB here with a review of Seth Rogen’s R rated animated film, Sausage Party.

I’m just gonna throw it out there.

Seth was no doubt smoking some very potent cannabis when he wrote this shit.

I’m an hour out of seeing it myself and I still haven’t quite wrapped my head around it, but let me try.

OK.  So every Pixar animated movie is basically about something or someone that doesn’t usually talk right?

Talking toys in Toy Story. Talking fish in Finding Nemo. Heck, forget Pixar. Pretty much every cartoon features either an inanimate object or an animal that can talk and these films usually revolve around, “Gee whiz, kids, what do these toys, fish, other things that don’t normally talk do when we aren’t paying attention to them?”

So Seth turned that concept into one great big joke by asking, “What if food products talk to each other when we aren’t watching?”

Yup. Like I said. He’s been hitting the hard stuff.

In this time of reboots, sequels, prequels, and sequels to prequels of rebooted reboots, I have to hand it to Seth – this movie was original.

It put a lot of stuff on the screen that my eyes, ears, sensory receptors and brain aren’t used to processing – namely, quality rendered animated characters doing and saying horrible, terrible, disgusting things to each other.

Highlights:

  • Food products screaming in terror as they get sliced, diced and chomped.
  • Aforementioned food products staging a revolt and murdering humans in gruesome detail.  (Seeing a severed human head in an animated movie is definitely original, but uh…not really sure that was something that I wanted to see.  The twinkie was right. I’m effed up for life now.)
  • Zombie corn kernels trapped in poop.  Took me a second to get it but it does make scientific sense if you think about it.
  • `Food products act in stereotypical ways based on their country of origin.  Salma Hayek voices a horny taco.  David Krumholtz voices a Middle Eastern lavash (sort of like a soft taco-esque wrap) and Ed Norton voices a Jewish bagel (Sammy Bagel Jr.)  The lavash and bagel trade barbs throughout the film until they become way, way, way too friendly in the end, and boy do I mean the end. Uhh…I mean I’m not very PC but as I watched it I thought, “Wow, the social justice warriors are going to be all over this shit on Twitter.”
  • The crux of the film is that Frank the Sausage (Seth Rogen) wants to make sweet love to and live happily ever with Brenda Bunson (Kristen Wiig) a hot dog bun that bears a striking resemblance to a cooter.
  • The plot ties heavily into religion, namely, are the food products better off thinking that the humans are taking them out of the grocery store to live nice happy lives?  Would they just go nuts and be unhappy if they knew the truth that they were destined to be eaten? (And thanks Seth, on top of having to watch fornicating produce I really needed a reminder that my hope that there’s life after death is scientifically unsound and that in all likelihood I will end up just as disappointed as those poor, poor food products who ended up gnashed between a pair of giant teeth.)
  • A druggie injects himself with bath salts and is able to communicate with the food.  Gotta say, aside from the severed head, a dude dropping a spike in his vein is another subject I never thought that would ever be tackled by a cartoon so uh…I guess Seth broke new ground there but uh…I’m not sure that’s ground that should have been broken?  (Kids, please don’t try that at home…or anyone else…to quote South Park’s Mr. Mackey, “Drugs are bad, mmm’kay?”)
  • Nick Kroll lends his voice to a douche that, naturally, acts like a douche.  IMO, the douchey douche was one of the funnier parts of the movie.
  • And finally, the orgy.  The terrible, horrible, monstrous orgy.  Food products having hardcore sex with each other to celebrate their victory over the humans.  I…I don’t even know what to say.  I get they were animated food products and all but it was still so graphic that it left me wondering how this movie didn’t get an NC-17 rating slapped on it.

Hmm…so, I’m not a prude.  There were a few times where I did outright laugh but for the most part, the film’s appeal is similar to that of a gruesome car accident.  You don’t really WANT to see any of it and you know not looking away makes you a bad person but you can’t help but look…and stare…and gawk….and repeatedly ask yourself, “Am I really seeing what I think I’m seeing?!”

Ironically, animation has been around for so long now that I think if done right, there probably is a niche market for cartoon movies that appeal to adults (not as in the characters have to hump and drop F-bombs every five seconds just for the freak out factor) but because there may be things that can be done through animation that real life actors can’t do.

STATUS: I don’t want to call it shelf-worthy or non-shelf-worthy.  Rather, if you’re easily offended, stay away.  If you’re a rubbernecker who can’t help but stare at an ungodly traffic accident, then this film is for you.

About an hour into the film, I found myself thinking, “OK Seth. I get the joke. You’re going to make cartoon food products do terrible things because you can.”

I came.  I saw.  I was already f&*ked up.

We all aspire to be the first one to do something.  Seth, as far as I know, is the first film maker to document food products vigorously humping each other on screen, so no one can take that dubious honor away from him I suppose.

You know 3.5 readers, all I know is that around the turn of the millennium, I was in college and a bunch of my buddies and I went to see South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut.  We were in hysterics of Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s raunchy brand of comedy.

Those two broke many taboos and did the world suffer for it?

Yes.  Yes it did. The world totally sucks now.  Thanks a lot, Trey and Matt.

But at least Sausage Party couldn’t make the world any worse than it already is now, right?

I’m sure the current generation of immature college students are guffawing all over the sight of hot food on food action.

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Aug 20 2016
4 Comments
Movies

Movie Review – Ben-Hur (2016)

Jesus H. Christ!  What a great movie!

Ha. Blasphemous wit.

BQB here with a review of the biblical epic Ben-Hur.

I suppose you could call this a remake of the classic Charlton Heston film of the same name from 1959.

Then again, what was that 1959 movie other than a re-telling of a tale as old as time?

Jack Huston, formerly of Boardwalk Empire, stars as Judah Ben-Hur, a wealthy Jewish prince falsely accused by his brother, Roman Army Officer Messala Severus (Tony Kebbell) of committing treason against Rome.

Blah blah blah…stuff happens, more stuff happens….Ben-Hur loses everything and the former brothers who once loved each other very much end up competing in a chariot race.

Boy howdy, 3.5 readers, let me tell you, chariot races were some gruesome shit.

Horses get bashed (I don’t think they really were, obviously, but you still hate to see that), drivers get trampled and maimed, but its what ancient Romans did for entertainment back in the day I guess.  Without TV, Internet, or blogs catering to 3.5 readers, a bunch of sweaty assholes riding around and around a track colliding their chariots into each other was about as entertaining as it got.

Director Timur Bekmambetov does yeoman’s work in transporting the viewer to historic times.  Everything’s more or less authentic as possible while still being understandable to the modern viewer.

Morgan Freeman rounds out the cast as Ilderim, the traveling gambler who sponsors chariot drivers, putting up his horses and chariots and making his money off wagers.

Ilderim ends up being the Mickey to Ben-Hur’s Rocky, sponsoring him in a race against Messala.

Jesus (Roderigo Santoro) makes a cameo.  It was a bit surreal to see a movie where Jesus is part of the supporting cast rather than a main character, but it works.

I complain about Hollywood constantly on this blog so when the Tinsel Town suits do something good, I have to give them credit, and credit is due here.

This movie is a sweeping historical epic based on a biblical tale.  A ton of cash was clearly doled out to make it.  One can take a look at the big chariot race scene to see that.

Historical/biblical tales just aren’t being lapped up by today’s modern viewers, who can’t pull their dumb faces away from their cell phones for 3.5 minutes in order to learn something.

In fact, I’m sure there are a lot of people who see a movie like Ben-Hur and think, “Pass. I don’t want to learn anything.”

Ironically, there are a lot of messages about war, relations between countries and different groups of people, the need for peace or “to turn the other cheek” as cameo star Jesus taught us.

I enjoyed it. It deserves a big audience and recognition. I’m not sure today’s take a selfie every two seconds crowd will provide it, but here’s hoping they prove me wrong.

Will it draw in the big bucks? Probably not.  But Hollywood sunk cash into an effort to preserve history and educate people about the past by funding a movie that doesn’t quite fit the mold of a box office smash, so I applaud the Hollywood suits for proving they aren’t all bad.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

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Aug 14 2016
7 Comments
Movies

What Was Your Favorite Summer 2016 Movie?

Happy Sunday 3.5 readers.

BQB here.  The summer is winding down.

Sigh. I hate it when that happens.

Though we’re only in mid-August, that’s pretty much all she wrote for the summer blockbuster season.

Hollywood has officially spent its load, so to speak.

So which summer movie was your favorite?

For me, I’d have to go with a tie between Captain America: Civil War and Suicide Squad.

As for unexpected surprises, the one movie that got me though I didn’t expect much from it was the Nice Guys. That was very funny.  Bits and pieces of it still leave me scratching my head but overall, good movie.

What say you, 3.5?

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Aug 13 2016
6 Comments
Movies

Top Ten 1980s Comedies

Popcorn

Hey…hey…hey….hey! Ooo uh ooo whoa…don’t you…forget to check out BQB’s list of the funniest flicks to come out during the 1980s.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, in no particular order:

#10 – Revenge of the Nerds (1984) – As one of the greatest Internet nerds today, I should know the history of the word “nerd.” I’m sure it is lengthy but any rate, this movie did more to introduce the concept of nerds into pop culture than anything else.  Disrespected for their glasses and computer prowess (which wasn’t much to write home about by today’s standards) Lewis and Gilbert (Robert Carradine and Anthony Edwards) gather their campus’ supply of nerds together to rebel against the jocks, who in typical 1980s bully fashion, love to wear their sweaters as capes by tying the sleeves around their necks then allowing the sweaters themselves to drape down over their backs.

Also, this movie had boobs.  I can’t even remember the last time I saw a boob in a movie. Travesty of justice, I say.

#9 – Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (1986) – A high school ne’er-do-well (Matthew Broderick as Ferris) concocts an elaborate scheme to convince his parents that he is sick so he can skip school and take his hot girlfriend Sloane (Mia Sara) and uptight, perpetually worried best friend Cameron (Alan Ruck) on a fun trip to Chicago.

Along the way, Ferris manages to stay one step ahead of bumbling principal Ed Rooney (Jeffrey Jones) and the audience laughs their asses off as a dedicated public servant is put through one harrowing ordeal after another as he attempts to catch a student in the act of truancy, or in other words, his damn job.

Memorable line – “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it.”  Damn, if that isn’t the truth. In fact, I remember being a little boy in the video store watching this movie play on the display TV as if it were yesterday. Umm, kids, a video store was…oh forget it.

#8 – Coming to America (1988) – Under pressure from his father (James Earl Jones as Jaffe Joffer, King of Fictional African Country Zamunda), Prince Akeem (Eddie Murphy) flees with his trusty manservant Semmi (Arsenio Hall) for Queens, New York in search of, well, his bride, who will one day be the Queen.  This movie is a fun meditation on figuring out what you are looking for in a mate and how money and power can ruin things.  After all, there are plenty of women who would like to marry a prince, but Akeem poses as being dirt poor just to find a woman who will love him for who he is inside. Plus, holy shit. This movie was outright hilarious and still is.  Eddie is the master of playing multiple characters in a movie.

#7 – Weird Science (1985) – Dejected and lonely, big time nerds Gary (Anthony Michael Hall) and Wyatt (Ilan Mitchell-Smith) use their computers skills to create Lisa (Kelly Le Brock) aka the woman of their dreams. Lisa teaches the lads how to develop the manly confidence they need to stand up to bullies Ian (Robert Downey Jr. long before he became Iron Man) and Max (Robert Rusler) not to mention Wyatt’s mean, pain in the ass older brother Chet (Bill Paxton.)  Besides inspiring to spend many years of my life trying to create a hot babe with my computer to no avail, I remember this film for cementing the phrase “squeeze the cheese” as a euphemism for pooping into pop culture.  Good show.

#6 – National Lampoon’s Vacation (1983) – Family vacations gone awry. Who’s never experienced that before? Try as you might, something inevitably goes wrong. Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase) is the dopey dad/dedicated family man obsessed with planning the perfect family getaway to Walley World.  Alas, one problem after the next gets in his way.  Even so, nothing will stop Clark from showing the Griswold clan (Beverly D’Angelo as wife Ellen, Anthony Michael Hall (damn that kid got a lot of work in the 1980s) as Rusty and Dana Barron as Audrey) a good time.

This film inspired a franchise that gave us hits European Vacation and the ever quotable holiday classic Christmas Vacation (I watch this every year).  Admittedly, they probably could have stopped at Vegas Vacation. Then again, Clark didn’t stop when Walley World was closed, did he?

#5 – Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982) – Before Sean Penn became a self-declared, self-righteous world traveling wannabe diplomat, he was Jeff Spicoli, the California dude who defied crotchety teacher Mr. Hand (Ray Walston) by having a pizza delivered directly to class.  Relive your minimum wage slave days as Brad (Judge Reinhold) is forced to don a tacky pirate costume to work at a seafood restaurant. And come on, you’ll always remember the first time you spotted Linda (Phoebe Cates) emerging from that pool.  Phoebe was highly underutilized by Hollywood, if you ask me. Gremlins. Drop Dead Fred.  Then alas, she kind of just disappeared.  Meanwhile Judge Reinhold continues to get steady work. Oh, the irony!

#4 – Caddyshack (1980) – Rodney Dangerfeld’s classic line was true. He got no respect. No respect at all.  In fact, he worked steadily as an entertainer his entire life only to find fame in his sixties. Oh well. Better late than never.  In this film, Rodney plays nouveau riche boor Al Czervik whose uncouth ways turn a high falutin’ country club up on its ear.  Club member Judge Smails (Ted Knight, who cornered the market on playing rich snobby douches in 1970s and 80s movies) wouldn’t stand for it. Al and the Judge square off to hilarious results, as groundskeeper Carl Spackler attempts to explode an unruly gopher.

#3 – Back to School – The 1980s really were Rodney’s decade as he had another hit, Back to School. Again, he plays a self-made man who clashes with folks who were born into wealth. This time around, Rodney is millionaire Thornton Mellon, who decides to cramp the style of his son, Jason (Keith Gordon) by attending college with him.  Thornton enjoys the social part of college, throwing wild, out of control parties. Yet, he uses his wealth to contract out his homework to hilarious results (he hires author Kurt Vonnegut to write about paper about himself.)  Eventually, Thornton realizes the error of his ways and decides that the point of college is to cram the knowledge into his own brain.  Funny cameo by Sam Kinison who relays tales of his Vietnam veteran experience to the class in a loud, hilarious way.  “Oh, oh, OH!!!”

#2 – Ghostbusters (1984) – “Who you gonna call?” The likes of this film had never been seen before at the time.  Action. Comedy. Horror. Special effects. All rolled up into a tight package. Bill Murray, Dan Akroyd, Harold Ramis and Ernie Hudson as New York City’s premiere squad of professional paranormal investigators and eliminators. They weren’t afraid of no ghost and really, the movie’s greatest villain was the government as EPA agent Walter Peck (William Atherton) shuts down the team’s ghost containment unit. (“Is this true? Yes this is true. This man has no dick.”)  In Walter’s defense though, the Ghostbusters did rely heavily on the use of nuclear technology in their projects and there never was an explanation of how they got their hands on them.

# 1 – Airplane (1980) – “Surely, you can’t be serious? I am and don’t call me Shirley.”  Oh Airplane. Oh Zucker brothers. Jokes for the sake of jokes, plot and and likelihood be damned.  People are so uptight now. They don’t just laugh anymore. There always has to be some explanation for everything.  No one can just look at an inflatable autopilot smiling as if it were getting a blowjob with the humor it deserves. Everyone would want to know how the autopilot was able to smile.  Former air force pilot Ted Striker (Robert Hays) must overcome his past to land a commercial jetliner when the crew falls ill with food poisoning. Along the way, he rekindles the romance he once had with stewardess Elaine (the epically sweet voiced Julie Hagerty.)

I’ll watch this movie whenever it is on but I don’t know if we’ll ever see another one just like it. Zaniness is no longer appreciated. Jonathan Banks (known today as Mike in Breaking Bad) being asked to “check the radar range” only to open a microwave door to reveal an undercooked  turkey and give a reply of “About two more minutes chief” just won’t fly anymore. People have become too literal. Everyone would want to know why he checked on a turkey.  Sigh. People aren’t funny anymore.

The film also breathed new life into the career of Leslie Nielsen, who had once been a serious thespian, only to spend his old age playing buffoons such as Frank Dreben in Police Squad. (FYI The Naked Gun) could have easily joined this list along with many other comedies.

What 1980s comedy movie did I miss, 3.5 readers? Discuss in the comments.

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Aug 12 2016
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Movies

Darth Vader Appears in Star Wars: Rogue One Trailer

Happy Friday, 3.5 readers.

Start your week off with this new glimpse of Star Wars: Rogue One.

Don’t blink at the end, or you’ll miss Darth’s cameo.

Who knew we’d be seeing him on the big screen again?

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Aug 08 2016
8 Comments
Movies

Movie Review – Suicide Squad (2016)

It’s here…and its awesome.

Forget all those shitty reviews. Losers and malcontents, I say!

BQB here with a review of the movie that nerds the world over have been looking forward to – Suicide Squad.

SPOILERS, SPOILERS AND MORE SPOILERS BELOW.

So back in March, Warner Brothers released the smelly ass stink burger that was Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice.

Oh it was so awful. No life having nerds such as myself were infuriated.  What a crap fest.

It led us to believe that the DC Universe was in bad hands.  We started to wonder if Suicide Squad would be just as bad.

The professional reviewers all seem to think so. Personally, I wonder if their still holding onto some of that B v. S. resentment.

I know I am. I cry myself to sleep about it often. “They both have mothers named Martha!  What fabulous writing!”

Boo! It stinks!

I won’t say this movie makes up for Batman vs. Superman, but it was pretty spectacular and one of the best films I’ve seen this summer.

The Setup

In the wake of Batman vs. Superman (which stunk), the government has grown concerned that another all-powerful being might arrive on the scene and not share Superman’s kind demeanor.

Thus, government agent Amanda Waller (Viola Davis) assembles a team of the worst super villains to have ever crossed Batman’s path (all imprisoned at the start of the film.)

The film relies heavily on flashbacks to tell the backstories behind all of the villains.  Flashbacks are always better if used sparingly, though with such a large cast, I can see why it was necessary.

By the end of the film, a dastardly all-powerful being does indeed arrive on the scene and the team of villains, under the control of Col. Rick Flagg (Joel Kinnamon) must save the day.

Harley Quinn

Harley has long been one of DC fans’ most favorite yet under utilized villains.  She got her start in Batman: The Animated Series and ever since, we nerds have long wondered if she’d ever get her big moment on screen.

With an accent that’s a cross between bimbo and New Yorker, female clown Harley dotes on her boyfriend, the Joker, referring to him as  “Puddin'” and “Mr. J.”

Ahh.  A nerd’s dream woman…well, if you ignore the psychotic tendencies.

The trailers made it look like the producers were going to scale Margot Robbie’s portrayal back – opting to go with just a sort of a not so bright female character but the trailers did not do the film justice.

Margot nailed. She’s totally Harley.  She’s got the voice, the demeanor, the twisted personality, she’s got it all down.

She really is the best of this movie.

Batman and the Joker as Bit Players?

The Joker (Jared Leto) had a large role for sure and Jared played it well. He went with a crazy clown mobster as opposed to Heath Ledger’s “I just want to laugh while the world burns” character from The Dark Knight.

Batman (Ben Affleck) only appeared in a few scenes and those were only flashbacks.

I’m not used to seeing a movie where Joker and the Bats aren’t the main attraction. It was surreal.

If anything, Will Smith as expert marksman/contract killer Deadshot carried the film as the team’s unofficial leader.

So Many Characters

Too many characters can potentially ruin a film. You’ve got two hours at best, an audience with a limited attention span and you have to somehow juggle it with the need to make every character interesting.

It can be done. Ironically, Batman vs. Superman only had to make Batman, Superman and Wonder Woman interesting and the peeps behind that flick failed and failed miserably. Damn that movie sucked.

In contrast, the squad in this film is large.  Killer Croc (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje), Katana (Karen Fukuhara), Diablo (Jay Hernandez), the Enchantress (Cara Delevingne) are just a few of the many characters I can think of off the top of my head.

Seriously, they’re all great but I don’t have enough time to cover them all. I mean, shit, there’s a guy called Captain Boomerang (Jai Courtney).  That’s his power. He throws damn boomerangs.

Each character gets his/her moment in the sun and with a film with a scale this grand that’s all one can really hope for.

Humor/Music

I love a film that can lighten the mood with a good joke and the pairing of classic rock and rap with several scenes left me laughing. It’s hard to explain. You just have to watch it.

PG-13 – Seriously?

I’m surprised this film pulled off a PG-13 rating.

I don’t recall any swears, at least no serious ones. There were no F bombs.  No sex (although there are some sexual references).

Yet, the body count is massive and its a blood and guts fest throughout.  Guns, guns and more guns with someone getting shot every two seconds.

Look, I’m an adult and a nerd so I enjoy a movie like this but…I mean do what you want.  Me personally, I wouldn’t take a kid to see it.

It felt R rated to me.  I’m not complaining, but the PG-13 rating leaves me wondering why a film can be filled with people getting shot every two seconds but as long as it doesn’t have boobs or an F bomb its cool to bring the teens.

OK. I’m done being Mr. Old Complaining Man. But seriously, get off my lawn.

Complaint/Observation

A lot of time is spent in the film on keeping the villains under control. Flagg is their babysitter, making sure they don’t escape.  And as the film progresses, they, dare I say it, the villains grow consciences, grow as people/beings, develop actual concern that if they don’t stop the big bad then no one will and perhaps this is their one shot at redemption for their sins.

That’s great and that’s definitely the way to go to create the optimal crowd pleasing movie. I can’t really knock it.

Still, I wonder if it would have been possible to add more of the “how does a villain carry out a noble mission” angle.  Do villains really care about collateral damage? Do they care about doing it right or just getting it done?  And wouldn’t a villain gladly leave everyone else to croak if they could save themselves?

Eh, many of these questions are explored but overall, suffice it to say, if there’s a sequel, I’d like to see more villainy.  Flagg needs to let them off the leash.

Better Times Ahead for DC Based Movies?

For me, this film was a much needed positive sign in the wake of the turd fest that was Batman vs. Superman. Did I mention it sucked?

I wonder if maybe Warner Brothers took on too much at once.  Like the student that enrolls in too many honors classes at the same time, they turned in a F movie with Batman vs. Superman (oh how it stunk) and an A film with Suicide Squad.

One wonders why they didn’t slow production down a bit and work on putting out one A movie a year.

No, I don’t actually have to wonder. They knew that even a shitty stink fest like Batman vs. Superman would have stacked the cheddar and damn it, they were right. As much as I complain, they got my money.

But remember that old chestnut “penny wise, pound foolish.”  I’ll never rent and/or watch Batman vs. Superman (because it stinks) again for the rest of my life, but I’ll totally rent Suicide Squad again.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy. Worth a trip to the theater. Excuse me while I go think about Harley Quinn while I polish my novelty clown mallet.

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Aug 05 2016
1 Comment
Movies

Jet Li’s Fearless

Couldn’t sleep last night so I caught half of this on cable. I’d seen it a long time ago. It came out in 2006.

Chinese film with English subtitles.

Story of Hua Yuanjia (though I suspect maybe a mix of myth, legend and some facts), founder of the Jingwu Sports Federation.

Quick version – as a boy, Hua’s father was a great fighter.  He lets a defeated opponent live. Said opponent thanks Hua’s father by killing him anyway.

Thus, Hua becomes very cold. He grows up to become a great, undefeated champion with hundreds of students who train under him.

He becomes very cocky and arrogant, unwilling to listen to reason. Convinced that his father had made a mistake, he refuses to ever show his opponents mercy.

I don’t know if I should spoil it any further.  Suffice to say, his cockiness leads him down a dark path, a terrible tragedy occurs, he atones and then eventually returns to the ring to fight for China.

It’s basically a good story about learning to turn the other cheek, that revenge isn’t always the best option, that people can fight and fight but eventually if there is to ever be peace, someone must back down and the act of backing down can in and of itself be considered a noble action.

See it.  Good stuff.  Thank you. This has been Bookshelf Q. Battler, world’s greatest nerd.

 

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Aug 04 2016
7 Comments
Movies

Will Suicide Squad Be Good?

Should we judge it by Batman vs. Superman, that horrible stink burger of a film, or will it break out and be awesome on its own?

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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Aug 02 2016
9 Comments
Movies

Movie Controversy – The Great Wall

Hey nerds.

BQB here.

Soo…OscarsSoWhite.  That whole issue has led to people really paying attention to casting decisions lately.

A trailer is out for a moving coming out next year.  Sort of an action horror fantasy movie.  “The Great Wall” the idea being that the Great Wall of China was built to keep monsters from invading China.

So the hero’s an Asian guy, right?

Wrong. It’s Matt Damon.

I guess he had some time between filming the last Jason Bourne movie and the next Jason Bourne movie.

Hmmm…ok.  So I assume the story explains how a white guy ended up as the hero but…maybe just maybe Good Ole Matt has a good run in Tinsel Town.  Maybe just maybe there was an Asian guy who could have been the lead…in a movie…about China.

By the way – I’m not sure I blame Matt Damon.  I mean, if Hollywood’s passing out big bucks to pretend to be a warrior in China, I’d take it.  But, it is up to Hollywood to say, “Huh.  Maybe a movie in Asia needs an Asian lead.”

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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