Tag Archives: project x

May 19 2015
1 Comment
Project X

Capt. Thaddeus Talbot

Capt. Talbot

Capt. Talbot

LA Police Homicide Division.  Jake Hatcher’s Boss 1947-1950.  

Often caught between his boss, the Mayor, who feels campaign donations allow LA’s criminal element free reign and his detective’s one man crusade to clean up the City of Angels, no matter how many body bags are filled.

Below, our trusty World War One veteran gets balled out by His Honor:

TALBOT:

Hello Mr. Mayor.  How are you?  What can I do you for, sir?

Uh huh…uh huh.

Hatcher did what now?

Uh huh…uh huh.

Yes, you have a point.  I’d prefer to see a lower body count before this whole hullabaloo blows over as well.

You don’t say?  Uh huh.  Shot up a night club in the middle of the day?  Why, I’d call that ingenious, sir.  If you have to shoot up a joint, the less people around the better.

Uh huh.

Well, listen Mr. Mayor…let’s be honest here, “Mugsy McGillicuddy” and “fine upstanding citizen” aren’t exactly two phrases I’d use in the same sentence….huh?

Right.  Yes.  Of course.  Campaign contributor?  All right but does mean he just gets to…I see.

Difference of opinion I suppose, your honor.  Yes.  Yes.

Uh huh.  All right don’t worry, sir.  I’ll grab a switch and tan Hatcher’s hide until it’s a size regular leather coat.

OK then.  You as well, sir.  You as well.  My best to Mrs. Mayor.

:::HANGS UP:::

:::DIALS SECRETARY:::

TALBOT:

Gretchen.

GRETCHEN:

Yes Captain?

TALBOT:

Will you tell Hatcher to get his skinny Irish ass in here so I can hand it to him?

GRETCHEN:

Yes sir.

TALBOT:

And get me some seltzer will you?

GRETCHEN:

Stomach acting up again sir?

TALBOT:

Every day since I put that shit heel on the payroll.

Hatcher starts giving Talbot pains in the old labonza in June.

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May 16 2015
7 Comments
Project X

Hatcher’s Ex-Wives

Dames.  Can’t live with ’em….and that’s it.  You can’t live with ’em.

Jake Hatcher, a 1950’s era hardboiled film noir detective operating in 2015, has had his share of heartache, courtesy of these bodacious babes.  Below and in his own voice, our noble detective gives us the straight skinny on the ones who got away:

Trixie Bordeaux

Trixie Bordeaux

EX-WIFE #1 – Trixie Bordeaux – Don’t get me wrong.  Trixie was a sweet gal and all, but it’s just that I’ve seen cacti with a better shot at passing a Standard Aptitude Test.  When she took me up on my marriage proposal, the first thought to clunk around inside my roomy skull was, “Good for you, Hatch.  You landed the skirt that every Tom, Dick and Harry is chasing.”

Lunkhead that I was, it wasn’t till a few weeks after the nuptials that I realized I was going to have to fight off every Tom, Dick and Harry.

Then again, I have no one to blame but yours truly.  All you unwed fellas out there, here’s some free advice from your old Uncle Jake:

Marrying a woman is like buying a car.  It’s a long commitment so you should walk right past the sporty number that will suck up all your gas and stall out when the first raindrop falls and plunk your cash down for the reliable one that’s going to get you where you need to be even when it snows.

Muffy Sinclair

Muffy Sinclair

EX-WIFE #2 – Muffy Sinclair – She was a crack shot who could pick a flea off a blood hound’s backside at fifty paces, yet after blasting yours truly six times with the business end of a Saturday Night Special, she managed to miss every vital organ.  Keep your cards and candy, folks.  That’s real love.

Last I heard, she’d hightailed it to the Caribbean faster than a jackrabbit with an extra set of legs.  And with all that ill-gotten loot, who can blame her?

Want some more words of wisdom?

Never trust a broad named “Muffy.”

Connie Connors

Connie Connors

EX-WIFE #3 – Constance “Connie” Connors – The best and most loyal of all my ex-wives, the “car that will get you where you need to be even when it’s snowing” if you will.  (Don’t tell her I called her a car.)

Naturally, this gumshoe fouled things up with this sweetheart worse than a bathroom stall after the ninth inning of an LA Dodgers game on free chili dog night.

I hit the hooch harder than Max Baer’s fist against the face of an unsuspecting pugilist.

I didn’t want to but I needed to dull the pain caused me by Ex-Wives 1 and 2.  Alas, I didn’t realize I was driving away the best wife I ever had until it was too late.  After one too many nights of seeing her man passed out on giggle juice, she hopped the first train to Albuquerque and never looked back.  Can’t say as I blamed her.  I kick myself harder than a karate sensei wearing a steel tipped boot whenever I think about it though.

One final kernel of truth for you palookas:

When you find the dame who makes you a better man, chuck that bottle faster than a Whitey Ford curveball.

What?  You don’t know who Whitey Ford was?  Damnation, I’ve been alive for too long.

Hatcher gets down to business on the Bookshelf Battle Blog in June.

Copyright (C) Bookshelf Q. Battler 2015.  All Rights Reserved.

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May 14 2015
3 Comments
Project X

Betsy

NAME:  Betsy

Betsy

Betsy

PURPOSE:  Hatcher’s WWII Service Revolver

MAKE/MODEL:  Schotzenhauer P58

NAZIS TERMINATED: 1,000 + (Hatcher stopped counting after 1,000)

MOBSTERS DISPATCHED: 751 (Hatcher took it easy after returning stateside)

SHOTS MISSED: 0

Betsy – she has few lines in the upcoming unnamed blog serial, but when she talks, it counts.

Coming soon to a blog with 3.5 readers near you.

Image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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May 08 2015
1 Comment
Summer of Bookshelf

Project X – A Sneak Peak

Coming to the Bookshelf Battle Blog June 1, a serial so cool that Bookshelf Q. Battler is holding back on the title for now…

Hatcher and Betsy

Hatcher and Betsy

Meet Jake Hatcher.  He’s a 1950’s era hardboiled private detective in the tradition of Sam Spade or Phillip Marlowe.  Film noir fans rejoice.

He isn’t just any old gumshoe.  With the help of his trusty service revolver Betsy, he dispatched numerous Nazis during World War II and was even involved in a mission so secret that it can’t be discussed just yet, even on a blog that only has 3.5 readers.

After the fall of the Third Reich, Hatcher became a bur in the britches of LA’s criminal underworld, feeding Betsy a steady diet of wiseguys to replace the agents of Der Fuhrer that she’d grown accustomed to.

The twist?  One night in 1955, Hatcher fell asleep in his office desk chair.  When he woke up, it was 2014.  For the past year, he’s been aimlessly wandering the streets of the City of Angels, desperately trying to figure out how he lost 59 years and if there’s a way to get back to his own time.

Mysterious Blonde Dame

Mysterious Blonde Dame

This summer, a mysterious blonde dame will walk into Hatcher’s life on the finest pair of getaway sticks this side of the Rio Grande.  This femme fatale claims she can help our hero figure out how he lost 59 years.  She even says she can help him return to his own era.

But he’s going to have to jump through a lot of hoops first.

Mysteries are afoot in modern times and Hatcher needs to dust off his sleuthing skills and get to work.

What kind of mysteries?  BQB will get back to you on that one.

Is this dame on the level or is Hatcher being played like a harpsichord?

Only time will tell…and the catch?

You’ll have to help him.

Yes, there will be some reader interactivity and of course, Bookshelf Q. Battler’s unique brand of humor will be present throughout.  Even so, this new feature will be an interesting diversion from BQB’s usual schtick.

For now, the owner of the magic bookshelf is keeping a lot under his hat.  He’s pretty proud of this one and hopes you will be too.

Your loyal blog host has been working his behind off for the past few months, getting “The Summer of Bookshelf” serial extravaganza together.

Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life begins on May 15.  The “Named to Be Announced Later” Project X starts June 1. Throughout the summer, these two serials will run up against one another.  You’ll have BQB and the Meaning of Life for a week or so, then Project X for a while, then they’ll switch back in forth that way until the end of the summer.

For your reading pleasure, these stories have been serialized into daily chunks, easily consumed without taking too much time from your busy schedules.

So take BQB’s hand 3.5 readers and get ready for what will prove to be an awesome summer to say the least.

Copyright Bookshelf Q. Battler 2015.  All Rights Reserved.

Detective and blonde woman photos courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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