Tag Archives: spoilers

BQB’s Fifteen Year Old TV Show Spoiler Rule

Hey 3.5 Readers.1378294009-800px

You know when I was a kid back in the 90’s when everyone walked around dressed like a lumberjack singing heartbreakingly depressing songs, it was customary that if you weren’t around a television during a show’s appointed airing time, you missed it.

Sure, maybe if you were lucky a pal taped it for you.  Or maybe you could buy the video cassette for an outrageous price, but by and large, if you missed it then you missed it.

Ergo, if someone who saw the show was kind enough to tell you what the hell happened to your favorite characters, you thanked him or her for doing so.

Thanks to technology, things are all different now.

A) There are more TV shows to watch than ever before.

B) You can watch them whenever you want, wherever you want – in bed on your TV, during your lunch break on your tablet, on the can on your phone.

Holy shit.  If your device gets WiFi, you can watch a TV show on it. Hell, you’re probably watching House of Cards right now on the little screen on your coffee maker, aren’t you?

Thus, the great irony:

There are more shows to watch than ever before but no one is allowed to talk about them.

Why?

SPOILERS!

Yes, spoilers. Because now, a person who missed the show when it first aired has options.  Hell, many shows don’t even have appointed airing times anymore. Streaming services like Netflix just throw them up for subscribers to watch whenever they want.

And you’d better not talk to anyone about them!

Yes, you’d really love to share your thoughts with your coworkers about Walter White’s transition from humble teacher to criminal mastermind.

You’d better not. Becky in accounting might very well want to start watch Breaking Bad while dropping a deuce on the can six years from now.

Accordingly, it is only right that you be thoroughly rebuked and compared to Hitler if you share a single solitary detail about Walter White’s journey into depravity because doing so will essentially rob Becky of the option of viewing Walter’s journey one day on her own.

It could be any show. Any show at all.

Dexter.  Holy shit the ending to that show sucked.  But everyone will say you sucked worse than the ending if you tell anyone about it.

Game of Thrones?  I swear, by the Old Gods and the New, my f%$king Facebook feed is filled with Nazis demanding blood oaths that no one reveal a word about what happens because “ooo la de da I’m a special person who goes out and has fun on Sunday nights I’m too good to stay in and watch an adult version of Lord of the Rings with gratuitous titties during its appointed airing time, I want to be able to watch it whenever I want.”

And seriously.  There’s nothing that can be done about it.

Sometimes I think about splitting the difference. Express my love of a show without revealing anything too meaningful about it.

However, like I said, social media is trolled by self-appointed spoiler police:

ME: I am really enjoying this season of Game of Thrones. Epic in scope, it fills me with conflicted feelings and I tip my hat to the writers for their quality work.

RESPONSES:

TROLL #1 – Ah, F%&K you, BQB! I was hoping that the scope would be narrow! Now you’ve flushed the whole thing down the shitter for me by spilling the beans that the scope is epic.  Thanks. Thanks a lot.

TROLL #2 – BQB you assfaced jerk clown! I assumed the show would only make me feel one or two feelings tops but now that you have told me that the show makes people feel many different feelings I will be looking for those feelings and hence, will feel none of them. I hope you get run over by a bus, you fat ugly sack of dung beetle turds.

TROLL #3 – Oh, thanks a lot Mr. Big Mouth!  Sure, just tell everyone that the writing was high quality. Ruin it for the rest of us who have ten other awesome things to do before we watch the latest installment of a damn nerd show. Maybe some of us were hoping that the writing quality would be poor.  Now I won’t be pleasantly surprised to find the quality of writing is high.  You sir, are the love child of Stalin and a rabid honey badger. Please contract syphilis from a toilet seat.

Ouch.  But no joke, people are really serious about putting the kibosh on spoilers and they will attack you with the vengeance of a mama bear who thinks you stole her cub if you even so much as think about breathing a word about the slightest, teensiest weensiest detail about a TV show.

ME: I like the font the credits at the end of Better Call Saul were printed in.

TROLL #4 – Stick your head in a toilet and flush it, jackass! I have been waiting for months to find out what level of quality the credits at the end of that show were printed in and now you sir, have ruined my life! I now have to sell all my worldly possessions and join a monastery just so I can learn to make peace with the horror show you have made my life with your vile spoiler. Good day, sir. May a colony of spiders lay eggs in your brain.

So…here’s the deal.

Everyone hates a TV show spoiler, but it can be frustrating for people who sincerely love a TV show and want to share their thoughts about it.

Since there’s no hard and fast rule about how long spoilers are supposed to last, I am, right here, right now, by the power vested in me as a guy who ponied up a few bucks to create my own blog site, going to declare the following rule:

If a show ended 15 or more years ago, everyone is free to say whatever the hell they want about it and should not feel bad if anyone gets pissed off about it.

So as of this writing, if a show ended on or before April 30, 2001, feel free to flap your gums about it.

Yes, there will still be people who will direct venom your way for destroying the possibility that they might one day stream this older show while trying to pass a kidney stone, but hey, tell them to go suck an egg, because your pal BQB said you are in the right.

You too can be like me:

BQB: My favorite episode of I Love Lucy is the one where Lucy and Ethel stomp on the grapes in their bare feet.

TROLL #5 – You monster! I was going to stream I Love Lucy while waiting for my podiatrist appointment next week. Oh, the pain you’ve caused me you animal!

BQB: Suck an egg, loser. That show ended in 1957. But you know what didn’t end? That candy factory conveyer belt. Oh those chocolates just kept coming and coming and poor Lucy couldn’t wrap them fast enough. She didn’t know what to do so she started eating them and shoving them in her bra and everything.

TROLL #5 – You are the Antichrist!!!

BQB: And Lucy and Ricky had a son that they named, “Little Ricky!”

TROLL #5 – Oh God. Stop! Please stop!

BQB: Lucy always wanted to play at the club but Ricky didn’t want her to!

TROLL #5 – The horror!  The horror!

Yup.  Go on 3.5 readers. Share your knowledge of shows that ended over 15 years ago with reckless abandon.  You have my permission.

Sometimes I toss a bunch of ’em out in rapid fire just to piss the spoiler police trolls off but good:

BQB: Corporal Klinger on MASH wasn’t really gay. He just wore that dress because he was hoping the Army would declare him crazy and send him home.

TROLL #6: Bahhh! Now I can’t stream MASH eleven years from now when I need something to watch while I’m cutting my toenails!

BQB: Though Mr. Wilson complained vociferously about Dennis the Menace’s shenanigans, the old man secretly cared for the boy very much and viewed him as the grandson he never had.

TROLL #7:  Oh God!  I can never un-see this wretched spoiler!

BQB: Lassie always runs to woof at Timmy’s parents until they figure out that Timmy has fallen down a well and needs to be rescued.

TROLL #8: Please imagine me flipping you off with both middle fingers because that’s what I am doing right now because I am so angry at you for spoiling Lassie for me you dirtbag.

BQB: Jan was always jealous of Marcia. Marcia, Marcia, Marcia.

TROLL #9: I just stuffed my fingers into my ears. I’m not listening….la la la…

BQB: Archie Bunker held himself as a horrendously offensive racist yet it was hard to not like him because in the end he always came around and did the right thing anyway, albeit in a begrudging, curmudgeonly manner…

TROLL #10: And you have ruined my life.  Thanks a lot, Mr. Spoiler Pants.

So there you have it, 3.5 readers.

I have made my very first rule. If the show ended fifteen years or more from the date in question, feel free to throw caution to the wind and post anything and everything about that show on all of your social media outlets.

Tell your friends that Dick Van Dyke always trips over that damn table in the middle of the room.

Shout from the rooftops that Blanche is the sluttiest Golden Girl.

Buy a megaphone and announce proudly that Jerry and Elaine never end up together.

Because, up your butts with coconuts, spoiler trolls.

BQB has spoken and he has officially declared that it is our God given right as Americans to talk about shows that ended by the end of the first year of George W. Bush’s First Term.

  • Yes, Urkel DID do that.
  • Columbo wasn’t as dumb as he allowed criminals to think he was.
  • In West Philadelphia, the Fresh Prince was born and raised! On the playground he spent most of his days!
  • Murphy Brown took Dan Quayle on over her out of wedlock pregnancy!
  • Al Bundy started his own chapter of No Ma’am – the National Order of Men Against Amazonian Masterhood.
  • Ellen came out as gay on Ellen.
  • Sam Malone chooses the bar over Diane on Cheers.
  • Dennis Franz shows his ass on NYPD Blue.

Do you have a spoiler that’s fifteen years or older that you want to get off your chest?

Share it in the comments.

But seriously, make sure it happened before this date in 2001.

Because if you talk about a show that was still on the air anytime after that date, then you are worse than Hitler and should be flogged publicly with a wet noodle and pelted with rotten tomatoes.

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Ask the Alien – Pandora Spocks – Who is Jon Snow’s Mother?

Greetings Earth Losers!

The Esteemed Brainy One

The Esteemed Brainy One

Before I begin this week’s edition of “Ask the Alien,” the only column that allows Earthlings to consult the wisdom of a higher species in an effort to make your world a smarter place, my Supreme and Unquestionable Overlord, the Mighty Potentate, has asked me to repeat an announcement he made earlier this week:

Our planet, whose name is none of your business, is not Kepler 452-b.  There is no life on that planet and no, there are not really aliens who live there who have been instructed to turn off all the lights until your satellite leaves.  Also, stop using the satellite to beam reality television programs into this planet’s air waves.  If anyone lives there, they are most likely an asexual race and thus have no use for your Kim Kardashian.  

In summation, nothing to see here, so moving along.

I mean there.  “Here” would mean I’m transmitting from there and haha, that’d be most unlikely.

Now then.  On with the show!

This week’s question comes from Pandora Spocks of the “Adventures in Date Night” Blog.

Ahh date night.  What a lovely concept.  As mentioned above, my species is asexual, but we are each assigned a government mandated life mate by the Mighty Potentate’s administration.

It’s more or less a glorified buddy system.  Cloning is expensive so each alien has another alien to keep track of.  Lose track of your buddy and, you guessed it, you’ve got a date with the vaporizer.

Not as romantic as locking eyes with that special someone across the dance floor for the first time, but when Clone #9847611XR9 rolled off the assembly line, I knew there was something special about him, more so than the millions of other clones who looked and acted just like him.

He was given a traditional name, one like mine that you’d have to tie your human tongue in knots to pronounce, but for purposes of this blog, I’ll refer to him as Alien Rosencrantz.

Yes, Alien Rosencrantz and I try to keep our relationship fresh.  No matter how busy our schedules are, we always make time on Saturday night to analyze specimens with a billionth power microscope.

Never turn put your own relationships under a billionth power microscope, 3.5 readers.  Sometimes some aspects of amore just need to remain a mystery.

By the way, this “he” word.  The aliens on my planet?  Words like “he” or “she” don’t apply.  Alas, your primitive language doesn’t have a word to refer to someone whose neither a male or a female other than “it” and since Alien Rosencrantz and I are greater than mere objects, I suppose “he” will have to do.

Now then!  Onto Ms. Spocks’ inquiry:

Who is Jon Snow’s mother?

Ahhh!  A true question for the ages!

First, any of the 3.5 readers who wish to remain SPOILER free should exit the blog immediately.  Actually, don’t exit it all the way.  Click on some of the other links and buttons to get Bookshelf Q. Battler’s hit rate up.  I really need to get the Mighty Potentate off my ganderflazer.

As you might recall, I briefly appeared in BQB’s work of fanfiction, A Game of Yetis.  

The premise was that Lord BQB of House Bookshelf takes on Lord Yeti of House Yeti over the theft of BQB’s Dew of the Mountain.  The story was supposed to end with the Khaleesi and I flying to Yetifell and burning up all those smelly snow-squatches with the assistance of dragonfire, but alas there was this transmission:

Alien Jones!  Tell BQB to cease that insipid fan fiction immediately!  If there’s anything I despise more than reality television it’s fan fiction!

– The Mighty Potentate

P.S. Do my bidding or its the vaporizer for you, and I’m not talking about that device the humans use to breathe in eucalyptus when they have colds.

He was talking about the device he has that turns disobedient aliens into a fine mist.  Anyhoo!  660 words in, let’s get to Ms. Spocks’ question.

What the show has told us thus far:

  • Ned Stark, whilst facing a battle he was unlikely to come back from, ignored his marital vows to Lady Catelyn and engaged in the hokey pokey with a random hussy.
  • Unexpectedly, he returned from battle in a most glorious manner with baby Jon Snow, “Snow” being the name given to bastards in Winterfell.  Things have gotten better since olden times.  It’s less proper to just randomly refer to an out of wedlock child as a bastard.  Alas, for poor Jon, it’s “Hello bastard” and “What do you want, bastard?” and “Did you forget you’re a bastard?” every five seconds.
  • Ned promised to one day tell Jon the truth about his mother, but alas, his head was chopped off.  (Hey, I warned about the SPOILERS.)

That’s why (SPOILER!) Jon Snow’s death at the end of last season was so upsetting.  After all, since we were informed there was something more to be told about Snow’s mother, it’s kind of a massive plot hole if that question remains unanswered.

The prevailing theory in Game of Thrones fandom is as follows:

  • Robert Baratheon, who Ned’s sister Lyanna had been promised to, believed Rhaegar Targaryen (son of the then king) had kidnapped Lyanna and was so angry about it that he led a daring rebellion that caused the Mad King to be overthrown.
  • Ned’s sister Lyanna Stark and Rhaegar Targaryen were actually in love and Lyanna ran away with Rhaegar willingly.
  • Lyanna and Rhaegar did the hibbitty dibbitty and baby Jon Snow was the result.
  • Lyanna Stark died in childbirth.
  • Rhaegar died when Robert Baratheon knocked the snot out of him with his mighty war hammer, sending a spectacular spray of jewels from Targaryen’s fancy armor everywhere.
  • Ned Stark was left with a difficult burden.  Of course, he wanted to save his dear nephew.  And of course, the most respectable character in the whole series would never have cheated on his beloved Catelyn.
  • But, Robert Baratheon is kind of an angry dingus and would have had Jon Snow killed.
  • Thus, Ned lied, made up a story about a random hussy he knocked boots with, and had to endure Catelyn hating him for strange on the side that he never even got in the first place!

Could this theory be accurate?  Who knows, but there’s a scene in Season 5 where Littlefinger hints to Sansa that her aunt Lyanna may not have been kidnapped after all.

There you have it, 3.5 readers!  And thank you to Pandora.  May you continue to regale us with tales of your date nights and inspire couples across the cosmos to take time to add spice to their romance.

Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Submit it to Bookshelf Q. Battler via a tweet to @bookshelfbattle, leave it in the comment section on this site, or drop it off on the Bookshelf Battle Google + page. If AJ likes your question, he might promote your book, blog, or other project while providing his answer.

THE ALIEN JONES GUARANTEE: If you don’t like his response, just let him know and he’ll file it into the recycling bin of his monolithic super computer. No muss, no fuss, no problem.

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Movie Review – Fast and Furious 7 (2015)

Fast cars?  Check!

Ridiculous action sequences?  Check!

Rap music?  Check!

Hot babes?  Check!

Catchy one liners?  Check!

Copious amounts of testosterone?  Better believe that’s a check.

Plot?  Ehhh…

Fasten your seat belt and hit your nitrous switch, it’s time for my review of Fast and Furious 7.

But be forewarned…the spoilers are going to come…at a fast and furious pace!  (:::rimshot:::)

Cars jumping out of planes?  Sure, that could probably happen…

BQB:  Yeti, what did you think of the movie?

THE YETI:  I did not understand the plot.  I have not seen parts 1-7.  Did a scientist unleash a chemical that turned most of the characters into a bunch of angry jacked bald men?

BQB:  What?

THE YETI:  The Rock, Vin Diesel, Jason Statham, Tyrese Gibson, Djimon Honsou…like 90% of the cast are a bunch of cueballs!

BQB:  I’m pretty sure that’s the great cosmic deal, Yeti.  The universe can make a badass, but in exchange, you have to give up your hair.

THE YETI:  The film company must have saved a mint on shampoo costs alone.

Paul Walker

Let’s get the sad part out of the way first.  Paul Walker passed away during the film’s production in a tragic car crash (sadly and ironically, on his own time).  Since he plays a main character (Brian) in these films, would the continuity of the film suffer without him became the question on the minds of movie buffs.

THE YETI:  BQB, do you think the continuity of the movie suffered due to Paul Walker’s unfortunate passing?

BQB:  Good question, Yeti.  That was just on my mind.  No, I don’t think it did.  Going into it, I assumed his character would somehow leave mid-film, but he stays right to the end, so apparently a great deal was taped before the world lost this action star.

I would be interested in learning what had to be done to compensate for his passing.  Toward the end of the film, there are some action sequences that take place in the dark, and “Brian” is either seen from far away, or if his face is on screen, it’s only for a split second between various karate moves.  That made me wonder whether a stunt double was utilized or if that was just the intent of the scene since it took place at night in a dark building.

In other words, there are times when I’m not sure whether or not it was Paul and I don’t want to diss Paul if in fact he was in said scenes.

There is a scene at the end where Dom and Paul do their usual “pull up to each other at the end” and have a heart-to-heart talk.  There, the scene did look like footage taken of Paul in the past.

And whereas these movies usually end with Dom and Paul drag racing, they instead, drive off, going their separate ways…Dom to continue his life as a bad ass, Brian to be a husband and Dad.

Aww.  Tear.

Obviously, I care more about Walker’s life than an action movie, but from a critic’s perspective, I did not think that Walker’s death impacted the overall quality of the film and in my eye anyway, I did not notice any defects or flaws caused to the film.  Any changes they had to make were minor or barely noticeable.

Great question, Yeti.  Do you have any others?

THE YETI:  Yes.  Were there any sad scenes made even sadder due to Walker’s passing?

BQB:  Indeed there were, Yeti.  There’s a scene where Brian has a heartfelt phone conversation with Mia, where she tells her husband that the way he’s talking makes it sound like he’s never coming home and well, that becomes more depressing now that we know Walker is not coming home.

There’s also a montage of Walker through the years in the past 7 movies, dating back to 2001 and it’s just amazing how you don’t recognize it while it’s happening, but people really do grow and change over the course of a decade.

One more thing – Walker left one more movie behind.  Last year’s Brick Mansions, was, in my opinion, another must see flick for fans of urban action films.

Alright then.  Let’s move from the sad to the awesome.

Obviously, with these films, you check your thinking cap at the door.  In fact, here’s my thought process with every outlandish stunt I see:

BQB:  Oh, come on.  That could never happen!  Cars jumping out of planes?  Preposterous!  Through buildings?  Get out of here!  That defies all laws of science and physics and…OH MY GOD THAT WAS SO AWESOME!!! DO IT AGAIN!

Nope, you don’t go for the plot.  You go for the action and special effects.

THE YETI:  Why do they bother pulling all of these fast car jobs when they have so many skills?  Driving skills, computer skills, planning skills…

BQB:  Shut up, Yeti.

I dare say that the scene where Dom jumps a 3.5 million dollar plus car through three buildings (as in it exits out one window, jumps a large expanse, does it again, then ends up in a third building).

THE YETI:  What did you think of Kurt Russell?

BQB:  You’re full of questions, aren’t you, Yeti?  Personally, I think the Rock is awesome and let’s be honest, he saved this franchise.  I get the impression that the Rock enjoys Hobbs, a character who is unapologetic about his awesomeness.

Therefore, it was sad to see Hobbs get laid up in the hospital for most of the film, with Kurt Russell taking over as the agent that convinces Dom’s crew to pull a job.  That being said, Russell did a great job and he was awesome.

At one point, I was left wondering about the overall question of what makes a movie great.  Let’s face it.  Flicks like this one will never win an Academy Award and yet when you think about it, with all the stunts, action, special effects and so on…there’s probably more moving parts and issues to coordinate than, say Birdman.

And while I’m not saying, “Let’s give Fast and Furious an Oscar!” I am saying that F and F 7 is a better film than Birdman.

Yup.  I’m sorry.  I said it.  Had F and F 7 come out in 2014 it would of been more deserving of an Oscar than Birdman.

Other notables:

  • Game of Thrones fans will be pleased to see Nathalie Emmanuel aka the Khaleesi’s translator Missandei in a major on screen role.
  • Did anyone else think “If it is possible for this franchise to have a “Jump the Shark” moment, that it might have been the part where the crew jumps out of plane in their cars and somehow they all manage to land on one road in perfect formation?
  • Why are their cars constantly being sprayed with bullets and yet they never die?
  • Was the Rock’s epic fight in the beginning with Jason Statham the best thing ever?
  • Has anyone figured out why so many musclebound dudes go bald?

THE YETI:  But it’s so stupid.  They drive cars.  They blow stuff up.  Constant chaos.  It reminds me of the Yeti village.

BQB:  Again, suspend your concerns about plot and substance at the door.  These films are basically one big on screen thrill ride.  They might as well make the seats shake it charge admission to it at Disney World.

THE YETI:  Are you going to talk about Paul Walker again before you go?

BQB:  Yes.  So, on this blog, I talk a lot about heroes for average people – folks that the ordinary man can look up to.  Now, Walker was an above averagely good looking movie star, so obviously we can’t call him average.

But here’s what sets him apart from other action stars.  There’s a scene where he takes on a bus full of terrorists while wearing a hoodie.  That may not seem like much, but think about other movies where the hero wears a uniform, or a bullet proof vest or armor or something.

Maybe I’m just reading too much into it but when you see a good guy taking out bad guys while wearing ordinary street clothes, it makes me think that maybe that could inspire moviegoers to become better than average.

You too can do awesome things in just your hoodie and jeans.  But, you know, just don’t try to take out a bunch of terrorists by yourself.  Duh.

I’ll be interested to see what direction the series goes in from here, if it does continue at all.  As discussed above, it was left that Brian drove off in his own direction to become a family man.  I think that was a good decision because to kill the character off would have been a bit macabre given the the actor’s tragic passing.

Will the crew go on without Brian?  Will they hang up their stick shifts and call it quits?  Time will tell.  But all in all, they were faced with a difficult task – deliver an over the top action blockbuster while remaining respectful to the loss of one of the main stars…and it delivered.

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy.  RIP Paul Walker.  You will be missed.

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