Greetings Earth Losers!
Before I begin this week’s edition of “Ask the Alien,” the only column that allows Earthlings to consult the wisdom of a higher species in an effort to make your world a smarter place, my Supreme and Unquestionable Overlord, the Mighty Potentate, has asked me to repeat an announcement he made earlier this week:
Our planet, whose name is none of your business, is not Kepler 452-b. There is no life on that planet and no, there are not really aliens who live there who have been instructed to turn off all the lights until your satellite leaves. Also, stop using the satellite to beam reality television programs into this planet’s air waves. If anyone lives there, they are most likely an asexual race and thus have no use for your Kim Kardashian.
In summation, nothing to see here, so moving along.
I mean there. “Here” would mean I’m transmitting from there and haha, that’d be most unlikely.
Now then. On with the show!
This week’s question comes from Pandora Spocks of the “Adventures in Date Night” Blog.
Ahh date night. What a lovely concept. As mentioned above, my species is asexual, but we are each assigned a government mandated life mate by the Mighty Potentate’s administration.
It’s more or less a glorified buddy system. Cloning is expensive so each alien has another alien to keep track of. Lose track of your buddy and, you guessed it, you’ve got a date with the vaporizer.
Not as romantic as locking eyes with that special someone across the dance floor for the first time, but when Clone #9847611XR9 rolled off the assembly line, I knew there was something special about him, more so than the millions of other clones who looked and acted just like him.
He was given a traditional name, one like mine that you’d have to tie your human tongue in knots to pronounce, but for purposes of this blog, I’ll refer to him as Alien Rosencrantz.
Yes, Alien Rosencrantz and I try to keep our relationship fresh. No matter how busy our schedules are, we always make time on Saturday night to analyze specimens with a billionth power microscope.
Never turn put your own relationships under a billionth power microscope, 3.5 readers. Sometimes some aspects of amore just need to remain a mystery.
By the way, this “he” word. The aliens on my planet? Words like “he” or “she” don’t apply. Alas, your primitive language doesn’t have a word to refer to someone whose neither a male or a female other than “it” and since Alien Rosencrantz and I are greater than mere objects, I suppose “he” will have to do.
Now then! Onto Ms. Spocks’ inquiry:
Who is Jon Snow’s mother?
Ahhh! A true question for the ages!
First, any of the 3.5 readers who wish to remain SPOILER free should exit the blog immediately. Actually, don’t exit it all the way. Click on some of the other links and buttons to get Bookshelf Q. Battler’s hit rate up. I really need to get the Mighty Potentate off my ganderflazer.
As you might recall, I briefly appeared in BQB’s work of fanfiction, A Game of Yetis.
The premise was that Lord BQB of House Bookshelf takes on Lord Yeti of House Yeti over the theft of BQB’s Dew of the Mountain. The story was supposed to end with the Khaleesi and I flying to Yetifell and burning up all those smelly snow-squatches with the assistance of dragonfire, but alas there was this transmission:
Alien Jones! Tell BQB to cease that insipid fan fiction immediately! If there’s anything I despise more than reality television it’s fan fiction!
– The Mighty Potentate
P.S. Do my bidding or its the vaporizer for you, and I’m not talking about that device the humans use to breathe in eucalyptus when they have colds.
He was talking about the device he has that turns disobedient aliens into a fine mist. Anyhoo! 660 words in, let’s get to Ms. Spocks’ question.
What the show has told us thus far:
- Ned Stark, whilst facing a battle he was unlikely to come back from, ignored his marital vows to Lady Catelyn and engaged in the hokey pokey with a random hussy.
- Unexpectedly, he returned from battle in a most glorious manner with baby Jon Snow, “Snow” being the name given to bastards in Winterfell. Things have gotten better since olden times. It’s less proper to just randomly refer to an out of wedlock child as a bastard. Alas, for poor Jon, it’s “Hello bastard” and “What do you want, bastard?” and “Did you forget you’re a bastard?” every five seconds.
- Ned promised to one day tell Jon the truth about his mother, but alas, his head was chopped off. (Hey, I warned about the SPOILERS.)
That’s why (SPOILER!) Jon Snow’s death at the end of last season was so upsetting. After all, since we were informed there was something more to be told about Snow’s mother, it’s kind of a massive plot hole if that question remains unanswered.
The prevailing theory in Game of Thrones fandom is as follows:
- Robert Baratheon, who Ned’s sister Lyanna had been promised to, believed Rhaegar Targaryen (son of the then king) had kidnapped Lyanna and was so angry about it that he led a daring rebellion that caused the Mad King to be overthrown.
- Ned’s sister Lyanna Stark and Rhaegar Targaryen were actually in love and Lyanna ran away with Rhaegar willingly.
- Lyanna and Rhaegar did the hibbitty dibbitty and baby Jon Snow was the result.
- Lyanna Stark died in childbirth.
- Rhaegar died when Robert Baratheon knocked the snot out of him with his mighty war hammer, sending a spectacular spray of jewels from Targaryen’s fancy armor everywhere.
- Ned Stark was left with a difficult burden. Of course, he wanted to save his dear nephew. And of course, the most respectable character in the whole series would never have cheated on his beloved Catelyn.
- But, Robert Baratheon is kind of an angry dingus and would have had Jon Snow killed.
- Thus, Ned lied, made up a story about a random hussy he knocked boots with, and had to endure Catelyn hating him for strange on the side that he never even got in the first place!
Could this theory be accurate? Who knows, but there’s a scene in Season 5 where Littlefinger hints to Sansa that her aunt Lyanna may not have been kidnapped after all.
There you have it, 3.5 readers! And thank you to Pandora. May you continue to regale us with tales of your date nights and inspire couples across the cosmos to take time to add spice to their romance.
Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Submit it to Bookshelf Q. Battler via a tweet to @bookshelfbattle, leave it in the comment section on this site, or drop it off on the Bookshelf Battle Google + page. If AJ likes your question, he might promote your book, blog, or other project while providing his answer.
THE ALIEN JONES GUARANTEE: If you don’t like his response, just let him know and he’ll file it into the recycling bin of his monolithic super computer. No muss, no fuss, no problem.