Tag Archives: theories

Conspiracy Corner with Tin Hat Ted – Top Ten Biggie/Tupac Death Conspiracy Theories

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By: Tin Hat Ted, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Conspiracy Theorist

Hello 3.5 readers (if that is your real name.)

Tin Hat Ted here (if that is my real name.)

Biggie.  Tupac.  They were the greatest rappers of the 1990s, and yet, both were gunned down in their prime, although lets be honest, pizza probably would have achieved the mission of the assassin’s bullet on Biggie by now anyway, though Tupac could very well still be belting out new tunes.

And you never know.  Lil Kim might have put Biggie’s ass on Jenny Craig, so perhaps he could have been here with us too.

The cases have never been solved, but here are my Top Ten Conspiracy Theories Regarding the Deaths of Biggie and Tupac:

#1 – Biggie and Tupac Invented Time Travel

The general public was unaware of this, but when Lil Kim wasn’t busy rapping about how tasty her pussy was, she was a brilliant mathematician and scientist.  My research indicates that Lil Kim, in her off hours, achieved the unthinkable – she cracked the equation that was necessary for time travel and built a working time machine.

After constructing the device in 1997, Lil Kim intended to use it to stop World War II, but alas, Biggie stole it and used it to travel back one year to 1996, where he then shot Tupac in Vegas.

Tupac, genius that he was, had already built a time machine of his very own.  He carried it in his pocket, for it was very small.  In the seconds before he was hit before Biggie’s bullet, Tupac obtained instant revenge by traveling forward one year, killing Biggie, then returning to his own time to sacrifice himself rather than interfere with the space time continuum.

Note that Tupac could have traveled to any time, like if he wanted to, he could have traveled to the 1970s and smothered Biggie in his crib when he was a fat baby, but instead, he selflessly traveled to the future and shot Biggie at a time when Biggie was celebrating, thinking he had successfully capped Tupac without repercussion.

It was all very East Coast vs. West Coast.  Nothing was going to stop that feud, not even the bounds of time.

#2 – Alt Rockers 

Alt rockers knew that their brand of clinically depressed music would never last past 2000, whereas rap was here to stay.  I mean, seriously dude, compare songs about heartache and loss versus upbeat jams about partying, drinking, smoking weed and blasting pussy and shit, there’s no comparison.

Witnesses I spoke to indicate that grungy flannel shirt wearing guitar players may have wanted the rap game’s two biggest players on ice in hopes that rap would fizzle and alt rock would continue.

I can’t confirm this happened, however, rap remained strong even after the loss of Tupac and Biggie.  This is largely due to Biggie’s protege, P-Diddy, who carried on for the East Coast, whereas Snoop Dogg kept the West Coast rocking.

Alt Rockers had no proteges or a next generation, so after 2000, the flannel look went kaput.

#3 – They Shot Themselves By Accident

I’m not sure about this but as far as I know, neither men were gun safety experts or trained marksman, so it’s not impossible that they just tucked their gats into their pants and then the guns accidentally went off.

#4 – Angry White Mothers

Angry white mothers were mad as shit in the 1990s, pissed that music, particularly rap, was so full of naughty words.  I’m working a story that suggests a mini-van full of pistol packin’ suburban soccer moms may have performed drive-bys on both of our favorite rappers.

#5 – The CIA

I’ve yet to determine why the CIA might have wanted Tupac out of the picture.

However, take these lyrics from Biggie’s “Juicy” in 1994:

Now I’m in the limelight, because I rhyme tight.

Time to get paid, blow up the World Trade.

Could it be that Biggie was a modern day Nostradamus, embedding warnings to the world of tragedies to avoid in his raps?

Historians might point out that there was an earlier attempt to blow up the World Trade Center in the early 1990s that Biggie was likely referring to.

However, at this time, we cannot rule out the possibility that Biggie was a clairvoyant.

#6 – They Faked Their Own Deaths

I’m currently investigating a claim that only Biggie and Tupac shaped mannequins were shot on the fateful days in question.  I have a source who tells me there may or may not be a bed and breakfast in upstate Vermont run by two men who fit Tupac and Biggie’s descriptions.

Does this mean that Tupac and Biggie fell in love and decided to run away together, in a time when there love would most certainly not have been accepted by the misogynist rap game of the early 1990s?

Possibly.  Then again, maybe they were just platonic friends who liked chilly New England winters and making waffles for tourists.

#7 – Biggie and Tupac Were Aliens

It’s clear that Biggie and Tupac were above average rappers, perhaps too good…perhaps their genius came from out of this world space brains from another galaxy.  When it was time for these extraterrestrial beings to return to their home planets, they shed their human forms, covered it up with an elaborate rouse, then boarded their space ships to rap again in their alien forms.  Perhaps they will return one day to entertain us again…and rap about bitches.  So many bitches.

#8 – Angry Bitches

Bitches got mad they were being called bitches and sought payback.  Don’t mess with angry bitches.

#9 – The Illuminati

Biggie and Tupac were slated by the Illuminati to become famous politicians.  Unfortunately for them, Biggie and Tupac defied the Illuminati and pursued their rap ambitions.  The Illuminati was not pleased.

#10 – The Yakuza

I’m unaware as to how Biggie and Tupac might have offended the Yakuza.  However, the Yakuza has a hand in everything.

NOTES:  Keep in mind these are all mere theories.  I have no hard evidence.  Without confirmation, you must consider all of these theories untrue and unfounded.

YOUR THEORIES

Do you have a conspiracy theory regarding the deaths of Biggie and Tupac?  Let me know in the comments below.

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Melisandre, Jon Snow and an Alternative Shadow Assassin Theory

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Is it? Or will your vagina make Jon Snow live again?

Hey 3.5 Readers.

BQB here.

OK.  I had an epiphany.

Check this out.

  • George RR Martin likes to fake us out.
  • Though the show is now beyond his books, he’s still working with the show runners to teach them how to be masters of the fake out.
  • So the show/books like to make us think one thing will happen then another thing happens.

What is the show trying to make us think will happen?

That Melisandre will give her life saving necklace to Jon Snow and bring him back to life.

What is going to happen?

OK.  There should be some kind of cash prize for me if this actually happens but here goes. Here is my theory.

That shadow assassin wasn’t just a shadow.  It was an evil soul brought back into the world of the living and then it was bound to do Melisandre’s bidding i.e. kill Renley Baratheon.

OK.  Follow me on this one.  Grab a pen and paper, make a flowchart if it helps.

  • Melisandre has the hots for Jon Snow.  She is warm for his form and because he was loyal to the Knight’s Watch and perhaps sad over the loss of Ygritte, he denied Melisandre’s advances.  Jon Snow was like the first man in history to resist the awesome power of Melisandre’s evil magical vagina.  Crows before hoes, baby. Crows before hoes.
  • As we know, Melisandre can push evil spirits out of her evil magic vagina.
  • GROUNDBREAKING THEORY: Melisandre will summon Jon Snow’s spirit out of the underworld, bring it back to the world of the living by PUSHING JON SNOW’S SOUL STRAIGHT OUT OF HER EVIL MAGICAL VAGINA and then bam!  Drop Jon Snow’s soul back into Jon Snow’s body.

I’m not exactly sure how this will happen.  Not going to lie. It may be a scene that involves her squatting over Jon Snow’s corpse to get the job done. Like the soul would have to fly out of her evil magic vagina and into Jon’s mouth or something.

Stop being disgusted! This is fantasy realm science, people.

3.5 Readers: BQB, we must debunk you. The shadow assassin wasn’t a soul. It was a magic ghost or specter of some kind that was the product of illicit humping between Melisandre and Stannis.

Lady Catelyn even reported that when she briefly saw the shadow assassin, it appeared to have Stannis’ face.

Since there is already a Jon Snow, Melisandre can’t boink another dude and create a shadow Jon Snow.  She can’t boink Jon Snow at present because he’s a stiff, no pun intended.

OK. You’ve got me, 3.5 readers, but consider this:

A)  Just because Melisandre pushed a shadow assassin out of her enchanted cooter that turned out to be the product of a Stannis/Melisandre boink session does not mean that she does not have the ability to summon a soul and pop it out of her magic vagina. We just haven’t seen her do it yet.

B)  What comes back may not be Jon Snow.  The Red Woman is a world class seductress and therefore can convince 99.9 percent of men to boink her.  Ergo, she might boink some other dude, any other dude, maybe one of the Knight’s Watch dudes she’s holed up with (probably not Ser Davos as he’s too honorable to boink evil witches so he’s in that .1 percent with Jon Snow).

So she and some dude will boink and then she will become pregnant with another shadow assassin that looks like some other dude and then she will order the shadow assassin to enter Jon Snow’s body because…

…STAY WITH ME…

She wants Jon Snow bad. Like really bad.  So bad.  Like he’s the only man she’s ever really, really wanted and it pains her so much that he said no and so now that he’s dead this is her opportunity to put a shadow assassin into Jon’s body and essentially turn Jon Snow’s reanimated corpse into her possessed love slave.

If the shadow assassin is in Jon Snow’s body, does that technically mean Melisandre is boinking her shadow assassin son?

Yes, but to her it will be a substitute for boinking an alive Jon Snow. She’s the Red Woman. Evil witches don’t give a shit about morality and shit.  She wants Jon Snow anyway she can get him.

And then when they aren’t boinking he will be her unwitting slave puppet because she can make the shadow assassin inside of him do her evil bidding. She can cast spells and shit and order Evil Puppet Jon Snow to murder her enemies and shit.  They will be unstoppable.

IN SUMMATION

A) This would be the ultimate fake out.  Make us think she’s sacrificing her life in a selfless act by giving Jon Snow her necklace…only to turn him into her unwitting man servant sex slave through the use of shadow assassin evil vagina magic.

B) There is a possibility that she might just bring Jon Snow back as himself and maybe he’ll be so grateful that he’ll boink her but knowing Melisandre, the shadow assassin slave theory is more likely.

C) Either way, if I am right, I really deserve a cash prize or at least lunch with George RR Martin or something.

D) Melisandre give up her life to save someone else? Bitch please! She is going to hang onto that necklace with a kung-fu death grip.

Thank you 3.5 readers. Tell me if you think my theory is sound.  Share it with your friends.  And let’s watch next week to see if I’m right.

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