And now, from Bookshelf Q. Battler Headquarters in Fabulous East Randomtown, the Astounding Nerdstradamus shares his confounding prognostications of the future of nerd kind…
Come forth, 3.5 readers and bask in my all seeing glory for I, the Astounding Nerdstradamus, shall open your eyes so that you might peer deep into the future of nerd-dom:
- Humanity will come to an end in the year 2105, due to a sharp decrease in worldwide reproduction. Will it be a coincidence when cheap and affordable robot hookers are invented in 2030? Maybe, maybe not.
- Nerds of the future shall one day invent a time phone that will allow your present self to call your past self. However, due to concerns about the integrity of the space-time continuum, you will only be able to ask your past self if he or she has Prince Albert in a can. For an extra fifty dollars, the time phone company will allow you to ask your past self if his/her refrigerator is running. Under no circumstances will you be able to finish the joke by telling your past self to catch the running fridge. If you were too lazy to catch the running fridge in the past, you’ll only screw up world history if you try to fix that past mistake now.
- The good news about video games of the future? You will be able to be a character in one of them. The bad news? Only an asshole would want to smash bricks with his head and murder poor, defenseless turtles.
- Doctors will invent an anti-flatulence pill that causes the body to store farts and save them until later. Unfortunately, the entire Western Hemisphere will go up in flames when Esther Thompson of Phoenix, Arizona lets her anti-flatulence pill prescription run out and lets out ninety years’ worth of gas at once. Whoa nelly.
- Pez will become an international currency. Alas, many will be murdered in the ensuing war over who can collect the most plastic cartoon character dispensers. Also, politicians will fight each other with phrases like, “The top 99% of all Pez owners need to share their Pez with the rest of us” and “What is this, Communism? If you want Pez, you need to jerk off hobos at the bus station for Pez like the rest of us.”
- That reminds me: in the future, all jobs will be performed by robots. The only means of income for humans will be jerking off bus station hobos in exchange for Pez.
- “That’s What She Said” will become America’s official motto.
- President Robo Trump will step down from his rule in the year 2782 in order to spend more time doing what he loves: grabbing hot ass robot supermodels by their fuel injectors. He will hand dominion over his kingdom to Queen Ivanka, First of Her Name.
- Note that President Robo Trump will not still be ruling in 2782 due to any dictatorial actions but rather, because Robo Hillary Clinton will never, ever, ever stop running for Emperor of Earth and literally no one, not even Robo Bill Clinton, will be willing to pull her aside and tell her that it is time for a fresh robo face.
- Not gonna lie – Robo Bill will also be totally into the aforementioned robot hookers. Then again, who won’t be? They will be programmed to perform wild acrobatics in the boudoir…and then bake you a pie afterwards. Word peace through artificial sex and delicious pie, because literally no one will have time to fight, what with all of the robot sex and robot baked pie and all. Ah, the robot sex pie era shall truly be a magnificent time period to live in.
- “Yo Mama” jokes will be considered a serious art form. Nelson Chatsworth of Scranton, PA will win a Pulitzer for telling a friend that said friend’s mother is, and I quote, “So fat her blood type is rocky road.” Alas, Nelson will be forced to return the award when it is determined that a) this joke has been told for centuries and b) it is scientifically impossible for someone to bleed rocky road ice cream. However, by the year 4102, it will be possible for people to bleed orange sherbet, but I don’t want to keep you up at night with tales of the half-human/half orange sherbet monsters that will be created. Let’s just say, “Oh it’s ok. You can eat me! Technically, I’m not ice cream so its not really cheating on your diet!” will take on a whole new meaning.
- Bloggers will beam their posts directly into the minds of their readers. Alas, BQB will only be beaming his posts to 3.5 minds.
What prognostications do you have of the future, 3.5 readers? Share them with the Astounding Nerdstradamus in the comments!