Niu is named Scholar of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw, a position that requires him to tend to the clan’s library and oversee the education of the youngest kung fu students.
Junjie pines for Mei-Ling and is told by the Infallible Master to choose between love or power.
Bohai meets Dragonhand and succumbs to the power of zom fu.
Thump…thump…thump…thump…
As Bohai came to, the sound of a steady drumbeat filled his ears. His arms and legs were bound to a long tree branch that the zombified warriors used to carry the young man as though he were a bundle.
Lickspittle led the procession into the clearing, where zombified warriors danced and growled like wildebeests, bathing in blood and guts that they tossed at one another, feasting on the limbs and organs of the fallen members of the mystifying monkey slap clan.
“Ooof!” Bohai found himself face first in the dirt when the warriors dropped him. Next came Lickspittle’s voice.
“I hope this offering pleases you master,” the lackey said.
“It better,” Dragonhand replied.
“This human was feisty and fought like a lion,” Lickspittle said. “Hot, delicious blood courses through his veins, oh mighty Dragonhand.”
“Dragonhand.” Bohai’s spine tingled upon hearing the name.
The zombified warriors cut Bohai free then wrenched him to his feet and held him before their master.
“Hmm,” Dragonhand said as he looked over the specimen. “Strong…sturdy…and what’s this?”
The fiend tapped on Bohai’s shoulder, where the claw of an actual tiger had been emblazoned on his robe.
“It appears we have a disciple of the Infallible Master,” Dragonhand said as he backhanded Lickspittle. “You fool! Was he followed?”
Lickspittle cowered and hid his face behind his forearms. “No, master! He was all alone! Surely no one would dare attack a camp held by the glorious Dragonhand!”
“Dragonhand.” That name again. Bohai’s mind raced.
The fiend grabbed his prey by the face, forcing Bohai to look upon his captor’s blank eyes.
“You’re a long way from home.”
Silence.
“What have you got to say for yourself?” Dragonhand asked.
More silence.
“What’s your name?” Dragonhand asked.
Bohai refused to speak. Lickspittle struck the captive but was instantly pushed aside by Dragonhand.
“Do not come between me and a brain, insolent wretch!”
“A thousand apologies, master,” Lickspittle said.
Dragonhand leaned in and sniffed Bohai’s hair, a move that the young man was not expecting at all.
“Umm,” Bohai muttered.
“Shh,” Dragonhand said as he pressed a gray finger against Bohai’s lips. Dragonhand opened his mouth, produced his slimy tongue and licked the captive’s head.
“Sir?” Bohai said. “I do believe there’s been a mistake…”
Dragonhand ran his tongue up and down Bohai’s cranium, coating every single strand of the fighter’s hair with sticky spit.
“…it’s just that I fancy females is all and so I am not well-suited for…whatever this is…”
“Your brain speaks to me,” Dragonhand said as he stepped back. “I can smell it. Taste it. Your skull attempts to hide it from me but I know the thoughts on your mind at present.”
Bohai laughed.
“Your name is Bohai,” Dragonhand said.
Bohai stopped laughing.
“You were one of the Infallible Master’s top four students,” Dragonhand said. “Yesterday, there was a competition over the Staff of Ages. You bested a female student and thus, you believe you are, by right, the Twentieth Master of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw.”
Bohai scoffed. “That uh…you could have heard that from anyone. People talk.”
“Your fellow disciple, a young man by the name of Junjie, was awarded the staff,” Dragonhand said. “During the battle, you told him that you would gladly kill him and the remaining members of the tiger claw clan and step over their graves in order to rule.”
“Well,” Bohai said. “When you put it that way…”
“You regret saying that,” Dragonhand said. “But you should not.”
“I shouldn’t?” Bohai asked.
“No,” Dragonhand replied. “The Infallible Master was a bumbling old fool when I studied under him years ago and I am certain he remains a bumbling old fool today.”
“I…I don’t know if he’s that bad,” Bohai said.
“He is,” Dragonhand said. “You think it. You’ve said it to him. You’ve said it to your fellow students. You are reluctant to say it to me as a slight trace of loyalty towards the Infallible Master remains in you and you know I am the Infallible Master’s enemy.”
“Do I?” Bohai said. “I…I don’t know you.”
Dragonhand grinned. “Do not lie. The master has long warned you that if you do not mend your so-called evil ways, that you will end up like me. You thought I was a fairy tale.”
“I might have said something like that,” Bohai said.
The fiend nodded to his subordinates. They released the captive but within seconds, Dragonhand was lifting Bohai up into the air by his throat.
“Do I look like a fairy tale to you?” Dragon asked.
“Ack,” Bohai said as he pawed at his throat. His eyes bulged. His face turned purple.
Wham! Dragonhand threw his new plaything to the ground. Bohai gasped and wheezed. “I never knew it was possible to learn so much about a person by licking their head!”
“Oh,” Dragonhand said with a chuckle. “That’s a skill that is only learned through years of being a connoisseur of head meat. Stand up. You look pathetic just lying there.”
Bohai stood up.
“You remind me of my younger self,” Dragonhand said. “Do you know why?”
Without skipping a beat, Bohai gave his answer. “You used to look this good as well?”
“Ha,” Dragonhand said. “Indeed I did, but that’s not why. Like you, the Infallible Master held me back. He knew I was the best student of my generation but he kept me from pursuing the power I deserved, so I left the tiger claw clan, raised my own group of warriors and look at me now.”
“What are you?” Bohai asked.
Dragonhand glared at Bohai. “The next Emperor. Serve me, and you will be the Twentieth Infallible Master of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw.”
Bohai gulped. “And if I refuse?”
“Then I’ll enjoy your screams as I feast on your flesh,” Dragonhand said. “But I know you won’t refuse.”
“You do?” Bohai asked.
“Yes,” Dragonhand answered. “Because your brain tells me that you wish to be the tiger claw clan’s next master more than anything in the world.”
Bohai shrugged his shoulders. “I do but…I’m not without honor. I suppose a part of me still cares for those morons.”
Dragonhand snapped his fingers. Lickspittle hurried over and handed his boss a bag, the bottom of which was dripping with blood. The fiend reached inside and pulled out a disgusting brain.
“Is that what I think it is?” Bohai asked.
“Yes,” Dragonhand said as he held the brain out towards his captive. “It belonged to Changpu, the trusted right hand of the Vengeful Master.”
“This is meant to frighten me?” Bohai asked.
“No,” Dragonhand said. “This is meant to nourish you.”
“I’m good, thanks,” Bohai said. “I had a big bowl of brains just before I got here and I’m feeling a little bloated.”
Dragonhand pushed the brain closer until it was less than an inch from Bohai’s face.
“Knowledge is power,” Dragonhand said. “Taste this brain and you will never again be held back by cowards who are too afraid to allow you to realize your full potential.”
Bohai turned away and shut his eyes, refusing to even look at the gruesome meal. “You’ll just have to kill me.”
Dragonhand nodded to his henchmen. They grabbed the captive by the arms and held them. Bohai struggled wildly, but it was no use.
The fiend yanked Bohai’s jaw downward, gripped the young fighter’s tongue and rubbed the brain against it.
Bohai stopped fighting. He felt a spike of adrenaline, a rush that made him feel like an unstoppable juggernaut. He held the palms of his hands out flat in front of him.
“The mystifying monkey slap!” Bohai said.
“The same,” Dragonhand replied. “Devour this brain and you will be unstoppable.”
Bohai snarled like a wild dog and ripped the brain out of Dragonhand’s grip. He dove to the ground and buried his teeth into it, tearing and ripping and chewing away.
Dragonhand laughed at the sight of his new disciple.
“Young one,” Dragonhand said. “Your new master has a favor to ask of you.”
Bohai looked up from his feast. His lips were soaked in blood. His eyes were blank. Only the whites remained.
“Anything master.”
The tiger claw clan’s sanctuary was surrounded by high walls. The main gates served as the only point of entry or exit and as the sun rose, Bohai headed for them with Junjie in tow.
“Brother!”
Bohai ignored Junjie and kept walking forward with his head held high and his nose in the air.
“Brother,” Junjie. “Will you stop?”
Bohai refused. He walked even faster.
Junjie put his hand on Bohai’s shoulder. “Can we talk about this?”
Bohai slapped Junjie’s hand away. “There is nothing to talk about.”
“Stay,” Junjie said.
“Not a chance,” Bohai said. “I am the greatest of all the up and coming young kung fu warriors.”
“Which is precisely why I need you here to help me lead the clan when the master is gone,” Junjie said.
Bohai stopped and smirked. “Do you have any idea how ignorant you sound?”
“No,” Junjie said. “But since we were small you’ve never missed an opportunity to tell me, so let’s hear it.”
Bohai poked his finger into Junjie’s chest. “A leader doesn’t need help leading. A leader leads.”
“All leaders have advisors,” Junjie said. “Even the Emperor has counselors.”
“Ha,” Bohai said. “You are no Emperor. Now leave me be so I can go where my genius will be appreciated.”
Bohai started walking. Junjie followed.
“Bohai,” Junjie said. “You are appreciated.”
Bohai flicked his hand, waving off the sentiment as though it meant little to him.
“You are loved,”Junjie said.
“Drivel,” Bohai replied.
“Bohai,” Junjie said. “You may be an arrogant, egotistical, stubborn, self-centered horse’s ass, but damn it, you are our arrogant, egotistical, stubborn, self-centered horse’s ass. I know you didn’t mean what you said about being willing to kill us all and walk over our graves just to get the Staff of Ages.”
“I did mean it,” Bohai said. “Every word of it.”
“You didn’t,” Junjie replied.
The two warriors locked eyes and stared at each other.
“And what makes you so sure of that?” Bohai asked.
“Because you aren’t doing it right now,” Junjie answered.
Bohai looked away. “You speak the gibberish of a child.”
“I speak the truth,” Junjie said. “I have no doubt you could overpower me, Mei-Ling, Niu, the Master, even the rest of the disciples and take the Staff of Ages by force if you really wanted to.”
“That is the truth,” Bohai said.
“So why are you running way instead of doing just that?” Junjie asked.
“Bah,” Bohai said as he walked onward. “Drivel.”
Junjie remained in place but shouted after his longtime friend. “Because you love us, Bohai!”
Bohai waved his hand behind him as if he were trying to shoo away an annoying dog.
“One day you will wake up alone and regretful for abandoning your clan,” Junjie said.
“Nonsense!” Bohai cried.
“And when that day comes, I hope you will return!” Junjie shouted.
“Never!” Bohai replied.
“You know you will be welcome,” Junjie said.
“Don’t wait for me, imbecile,” Bohai said as he reached the gate.
Feeling defeated, Junjie turned and walked back to the temple.
A burly man wearing steel plated body armor and a helmet shouted down from the top of the wall.
“Behold and hear me, for I am Kang the Magnificent, Guardian of the Gate of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw. I have vanquished scores of evildoers in my day and all are well advised to stay on the good side of my humble nature. Bask in my…”
Bohai scoffed. “Kang. Come now. I’ve heard this litany a million times.”
“Then you shall hear it a million and one times!” Kang shouted. “Bask in my glory and recognize that I will not be swayed in my duty to protect the walls that keep my illustrious clan safe. Identify yourself immediately!”
“Are you kidding me?” Bohai asked. “We’ve known each other for years.”
“You will identify yourself or be turned away,” Kang said.
Bohai sighed. “Bohai.”
“Hmm,” Kang said. “Yes. You do appear to be Bohai.”
“Right,” Bohai said. “Let’s move this along.”
“State your business for approaching the gate,” Kang said.
“To locate the nearest brothel, where I will fornicate with your mother in exchange for my pocket change,” Bohai replied.
Kang looked to his left and right. Upon seeing that no one else was watching, the mighty gatekeeper broke character.
“Come on, man. I told you about my mother in confidence.”
“I approach the gates in order to abandon this clan,” Bohai said.
“Yeah, right,” Kang said.
“I do not lie,” Bohai said.
“Why would you want to do a dumb thing like that?” Kang asked.
“The Staff of Ages has been promised to Junjie, even though I am far more worthy,” Bohai answered.
“Oh,” Kang said. “Dick measuring contest. Say no more.”
Kang yanked a lever and a series of gears turned round and round, culminating in the iron gate opening.
Bohai stepped outside of the sanctuary’s walls.
“Is this a permanent thing or are you just going to hide in the woods until everyone comes crying to you and telling you they’re sorry and shit?” Kang asked.
“It is permanent,” Bohai said.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” Kang replied.
“I am not,” Bohai said.
Far outside the sanctuary’s walls, Junjie stood near a cliff and practiced his anti-stress moves. The Soaring Eagle. The Perplexed Dove. The Wounded Butterfly. They were more or less the same as they all required him to close his eyes and slowly wave his arms up and down while maintaining his balance on a short, stubby tree stump.
The trick was that he had to stand one one foot the entire time. Thus, the handsome hero was given quite a start when the master’s voice came out of nowhere.
“Junjie.”
“Whoa, whoa…whoa!” Junjie cried as he tumbled backward and fell into the grass. He looked up to find a transparent apparition that sure looked a lot like…
“Infallible Master!” Junjie shouted as he stood up.
“Yes?” the apparition replied.
Timidly, Junjie pressed his hand through the apparition’s form and marveled as it passed right through.
Junjie’s lips quivered. His hand shook. “Oh master! You’re dead!”
“What?” the master asked. “No. I’m just practicing the art of astral projection.”
“Astral…what-jection?” Junjie asked.
“Astral projection,” the master repeated. “The ability to separate body from spirit so that both may exist on the same plane.”
“Is that even possible?” Junjie asked.
“Obviously,” the master said. “Though it is a feat that has taken me a thousand years to achieve. It is the most complex skill that a kung fu master can acquire. I only figured it out recently.”
“So, if your spirit is here, where is your body now?” Junjie asked.
“Back meditating in my room,” the master replied. “Though it has been known to get up and do things without me. It could be making breakfast for all I know. One time I caught it dancing.”
The master looked down at his student’s hand. It was still lodged in the stomach area of the master’s spirit.
“My son,” the master said. “If you intend to keep your hand there much longer you will have to make me dinner.”
“Oh,” Junjie said as he pulled his hand back. “I’m sorry.”
The master stepped towards the cliff. “Beautiful day.”
“Yes,” Junjie replied. “I practice here most mornings. Here, I can enjoy the peace, the quiet, the cool air…”
“…the interesting scenery,” the master said as he pointed his translucent finger toward Mei-Ling, who was practicing her moves by the banks of the river below, unaware that she was being watched.
“What?” Junjie asked. “Who? Her? I didn’t even notice she was there.”
“Come now, my son,” the master said. “As Guowei, the Seventh Infallible Master used to say, ‘He who spreads bullshit to a shitter of bulls is bound to get shit on his face.’”
“How can one be a shitter of bulls?” Junjie asked.
“I have no idea,” the master said. “The Seventh Infallible Master was a big fan of the opium so I doubt he knew either, but the point is, stop lying. There is no need to and it does not befit you.”
Junjie sighed. “I love her so, master.”
“Hmm,” the master grunted. “And does she feel the same way about you?”
“I hope so,” Junjie said. “Though I don’t know, really. We’ve had some talks. Well, I talked. She listened and made various faces of an inconclusive nature.”
“Ah,” the master said. “Women were a puzzlement a thousand years ago and little has changed since. There can be no doubt that they will always be a mystery.”
“A beautiful mystery,” Junjie said.
“And unfortunately, if you are to be the Twentieth Master, Mei-Ling shall have to remain a mystery that you will never solve.”
Junjie looked sullen. “I figured as much.”
“My son,” the master said. “I would never stand in the way of the happiness of my students. If she loves you, and you her, and if a life together is what you both desire, then I bid you both to go into the world and start a family of your very own.”
“That is a nice thought,” Junjie said.
“But whether you are a master or a disciple, the path of kung fu is a lonely one,” the master said. “It requires your complete and undivided attention. Love your fellow students. Love your family. But romantic love has no place within our sanctuary’s walls. It is a dangerous distraction that could get you or another disciple killed.”
“I know,” Junjie said. “And I have no idea what to do.”
“Extending your life indefinitely while serving as the Twentieth Master of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw is a rare opportunity,” the master said.
“It is,” Junjie replied.
“But,” the master said. “Loving someone who loves you back is just as rare. She may even bring you more happiness than the Staff of Ages could. I would not know. It has been over a thousand and seventy years since I’ve known the love of a woman.”
Junjie choked back a cough. “A thousand and…”
“Yeah,” the master said. “You won’t be getting boom boom anytime soon if you become the next master so keep that in mind. No one told me that before I signed up for the job, let me tell you.”
“But master,” Junjie said. “The Staff chose me.”
“It did,” the master said. “But you must also choose it.”
“What happens if someone rejects the staff’s power?” Junjie asked.
“Honestly?” the master asked as he stroked his beard. “I don’t know. No one has ever done it before.”
“I have a lot to think about,” Junjie said.
“Indeed,” the master replied. “And not much time within which to do your thinking. My body grows weaker and I fear the Staff will allow me to expire soon. I would like to know that the Twentieth Master is in place before I make my way to Diyu.”
“This is all so much,” Junjie said.
“Well,” the master said. “My advice would be that you talk to Mei-Ling…as much as you can. You wouldn’t want to give up the chance at being a kung fu master for a woman who doesn’t love you…but you also wouldn’t want to take on this life changing role without knowing how the woman you love feels about you.”
“Do you know if she loves me?” Junjie asked.
“Ha,” the master said. “I may be the master of the greatest of all kung fu clans, but I will never be a master when it comes to the female mind. Talk to her, my son. Reveal the mystery of her heart and make a decision.”
“What if I make the wrong one?” Junjie asked.
“Then you will fall on your face and live with the consequences forever,” the master said.
“Huh,” Junjie said. “I was hoping for a better response.”
“Welcome to adulthood,” the master said.
The master’s ghostly form disappeared and left Junjie to observe the woman he loved all by himself.
“What am I going to do?” Junjie asked himself.
Poof! The master’s apparition appeared again.
Junjie’s frightened scream was mildly reminiscent of a woman. “Ack!”
“But seriously,” the master said. “Make a decision before tomorrow morning because the clock is ticking.”
Poof. The master’s spirit disappeared. Junjie waited a full minute before deciding he was all alone.
“Oh Mei-Ling,” Junjie said as he observed Mei-Ling practice her stances. “How I wonder what you think of me.”
Poof! The master was back and this time, he scared Junjie so much that the young man had to clutch his heart and breathe deeply just to slow it down.
“Master!” Junjie said. “You have to stop doing that!”
“Oh sorry,” the master said. “I thought this was the kitchen.”
Poof!
In the courtyard of his clan’s sanctuary, the master held his hands behind his back and paced back and forth as he trained the three hundred members of the tiger claw clan. Each member stood before a pole with a straw dummy attached.
“Claw!” the master shouted.
The students held out their hands as if they were claws.
“Strike!”
The students slashed their clawed hands through the dummies’ chests, allowing straw to spill out everywhere.
“Seize!”
Each student grabbed hold of an orange.
“Twist!”
The students twisted their hands back and forth, though in this simulation, there were no guts to fight through.
“Yank!”
The students removed their oranges and held them up victoriously.
“Disciples,” the master said. “All kung fu clans have been trusted with one signature move, a move that when utilized, can devastate an opponent. We have been trusted with the most deadly of moves, not just because ours is the oldest and most revered clan, but because the Staff of Ages has always kept our Infallible Masters on the path of righteousness. It has done so with my predecessors. It has done so with me. It will do so with Junjie when he replaces me.”
The old man stroked his beard. “Swear to me that you will never use the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw for evil!”
“We swear!” the students shouted in unison.
“Good,” the old man said. “That is all for this morning. Continue to practice, and we shall resume our studies this afternoon.”
The students formed small groups and showed off their moves to one another as the master hobbled into the temple. Slowly, the old man made his way to his room, sat upon the floor, closed his eyes, and began his meditation.
“Body and spirit become two,” the master repeated over and over. “Body and spirit become two.”
The Grand Library of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw was old, dusty and in a state of disrepair. The reading tables were rickety. The floor was dirty. Cobwebs grew over the thousands upon thousands of scrolls stored in cubby holes along the walls.
“You’ve appointed me as a janitor, master?” Niu asked.
The master laughed as he leaned on a desk. “No, my son. It has been three years since Scholar Jing succumbed to his advanced age and I have yet to find a replacement.”
Niu looked around the room. “I can see why. No one wants to get their hands dirty?”
“No,” the old man said. “No one realizes the honor of this great position.”
Scholar Jing’s desk was decorated with a gold inlay that was in desperate need of polishing. Curious as to what it contained, Niu opened a drawer only to step back as a bat flew out. It squeaked menacingly, then flapped its wings until it was out of the library.
“I can’t say I’m feeling the honor as of yet, master,” Niu said.
“Kung fu is the way of peace,” the master said. “The way of tranquility. Defense over offense is our way yet many young students fill their minds with thoughts of adventure and daring do. No one wants to be a kung fu librarian.”
“And I should?” Niu asked.
“Of course,” the master said as he pointed to the cubby hole lined walls. “These scrolls contain the history of our clan. Each scholar records the events of his time and passes it down to the next scholar. It is an essential role, for if we lose our past, then our grip on the future becomes tenuous at best.”
Niu folded his giant muscular arms and looked down at the old man. “And when you look at me, a librarian is what you see?”
“No,” the master said. “I see an ox capable of crashing through enemy lines and destroying opponents two at a time. But there is what you look like on the outside and who you are on the inside.”
Niu sat down at Scholar Jing’s desk. The chair creaked and cracked apart, leaving Niu’s backside on the floor.
“And who am I on the inside?” Niu asked as he stood up.
“Someone who realizes this is a job that needs to be done and…”
Niu dusted himself off and sighed. “Someone who realizes if I wasn’t meant for this job, I wouldn’t be here.”
“You are free to turn it down,” the master said.
“No,” Niu said. “Though I’m going to need a bigger chair.”
“The library is yours to furnish as you see fit,” the master said as he led the big man out of the library and down a hallway.
“As our scholar, you will keep the library in superb condition, maintain the scrolls of past scholars, and advise those who seek information,” the master said.
“I understand,” Niu said.
“Naturally, I expect you to keep a full training schedule, as you are still a member of China’s most revered kung fu clan,” the master said.
“Naturally,” Niu said.
“But you must also devote your free time to reading the scrolls and absorbing their wisdom,” the master said. “You must start with the tale of how the Staff of Ages was constructed in Heaven and gifted to the First Infallible Master so that he would be inspired to raise the first kung fu clan and call upon others to raise clans in service of the Emperor.”
“That sounds like a lot of reading, master,” Niu said.
“Yes,” the master said, “But it is knowledge you will need to perform a scholar’s most important task.”
“An important task?” Niu asked. “Is it dangerous?”
When Niu and the master reached the end of the hallway, the old man opened up a pair of double doors. The pair stepped into a room where fifty children, ranging in ages from five to twelve, sat at tables and ate breakfast.
“Very,” the master said. “All scholars must educate the next generation, and don’t expect them to go easy on you.”
The master clapped his hands. “Children!”
Like a swarm energetic locusts, the kids jumped out of their seats and surrounded the visitors.
“Master, master!” the little ones cried.
“Hello, young ones,” the master said. “Behold, Scholar Niu, your new teacher.”
Niu grimaced as the kids swarmed around him.
“Wow, he is huge!” one child said.
“Like a mountain with eyeballs,” another child added.
“Master,” Niu said. “Why are the fates punishing me?”
The master laughed. “It may seem that way now, but in time, you will recognize this duty as a blessing, just as Scholar Jing did.”
“I am the greatest kung fu champion!” a little boy shouted as he kicked Niu square in the groin.
Timber. Like a mighty tree severed from its base, the clan’s newest scholar came crashing down to the floor with a tremendous thud.
“I think Scholar Jing was a better man than I,” Niu said as he stared up at the ceiling.
“Perhaps we should discuss this first,” was the last thing Junjie managed to say before his mouth was shut by Bohai’s foot.
Junjie brushed the blood from his lip with the back of his hand, nodded at his opponent and asked, “So that’s how it is, is it?”
“It is,” Bohai replied as he cracked his knuckles.
“So be it,”Junjie said.
The two men paced to and fro like a pair of hungry jackals until Junjie threw a punch. Bohai caught it with his left hand then attacked Junjie with his right. They became locked in an attack and deflect pattern for several minutes until Junjie finally landed his fist on Bohai’s face.
“You have no idea how long I have wanted to do that, brother,” Junjie said.
“Ahh,” Bohai said as he spit blood out of his mouth. “You have no idea how long I have wanted to do…this!”
Bohai lunged for Junjie’s arm, gripped it, and flipped Junjie into the air before slamming him to the floor.
A grounded and dizzy Junjie looked to his right to find Niu sitting perfectly still on the floor, meditating with his eyes closed.
“You’re not interested in becoming the Twentieth Infallible Master?” Junjie asked Niu.
“Oh I am,” Niu answered. “But if I am meant to have the staff…”
“…then you will have the staff,” Junjie said as he leapt to his feet and quickly dodged Bohai’s foot.
“You are daft as you are humongous, Niu!” Bohai shouted.
“Perhaps I am the last one you should be worried about,” Niu said as he pointed a finger toward the ceiling.
Bohai and Junjie looked up to find that Mei-Ling was already five floors above them and easily jumping up to the sixth.
The master laughed. “Hmm. Perhaps the first female Infallible Master’s time has come.”
Bohai performed a running jump to the second floor’s wooden bannister, grabbed it, stood upon it precariously, then jumped up to the third floor bannister. Junjie followed, nipping at Bohai’s heels.
The chase was on. Junjie remained just below Bohai until the tenth floor when Bohai decided to improvise and stomp his foot down on Junjie’s head. Knocked off balance, Junjie let go of the bannister and began to fall until he grabbed Bohai’s leg and yanked him down with him.
The duo fell through the air for a few levels until they rolled to the right and crashed through the fifth floor bannister.
Back on the ground, the master was lecturing his most gigantic student.
“I am disappointed that you are not in this, Niu,” the master said.
“I am in it,” Niu said with his eyes still closed. “If I am destined to lead then I will.”
“Sometimes I think my foot is destined for your ass,” the master said.
“If your foot is meant for my…”
“Silence!” the master shouted. The old man looked up to see Mei-Ling moving higher and higher.
“Children!” the master shouted. “Have you found the toys I have placed around the tower? Play nice with them!”
On the fifth floor, Junjie and Bohai spotted a couple of the toys in question hanging on the wall. Junjie seized a pair of nunchucks while Bohai claimed a wooden bo staff.
“Stand down before I destroy you, Junjie,” Bohai said.
“You are not worthy of the Staff of Ages,” Junjie replied. “Your disrespect of the master has proven that.”
“It is mine by right,” Bohai said. “I am the best!”
Junjie gripped one end of the nunchaku and used it to twirl the other end by the metal chain. “Prove it.”
The pair had a stair down for a while. Finally, Bohai brought his bo staff through the air in a sweeping motion. Junjie cracked his nunchaku against the staff, deflecting the attack just in time.
Attack and deflect. Attack and deflect. Eventually, Bohai managed to get a jab in against Junjie’s chest. Not to be outdone, Junjie answered the hit with a nunchaku smack against the side of Bohai’s face.
Down below, the master and Niu listened to the commotion.
“I have done nothing but show you kindness since we were children and you have done nothing but mock me for it!” Junjie cried.
“How can I make you better if I don’t point out every one of your many, many flaws?!” Bohai asked.
“Hmm,” the master grunted. “Those two have some issues to work out.”
“If they are meant to work them out then…”
The master interrupted Niu. “No one likes a fatalist know-it-all, my son.”
“Perhaps they aren’t intended to, master,” Niu said.
“Ugh,” the master said as he slapped his forehead.
Up above, Mei-Ling was now on the eighteenth and final floor. There she found a bow, an arrow, and a coil of rope. She tied one end of the rope to the bannister and the other end to the arrow.
The tower was circular in shape, little more than an extra large cylinder. Mei-Ling could see the Staff of Ages hovering just underneath the skylight, but it was much to far too reach with her hands. So, expert markswoman that she was, she took aim at a wooden support beam on the other side of the eighteenth floor, fired, and scored a direct hit.
In doing so, she created a taut tightrope. Now she just had to walk it.
However, as she leaned over the bannister and looked down to see how tiny Niu and the master looked from this height, she realized that the feat she was about to try was easier said than done.
Although he didn’t look a day over a hundred years of age, legend has it that Yaozu, the Nineteenth Infallible Master of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw, was approaching his one-thousandth year when he called upon his four most impressive disciples to assemble in the Tower of Masters Past.
“Wonderful,” the perpetually well-groomed Bohai said. “Just wonderful. How many more afternoons must we waste listening to that insufferable old fool babble on?”
Junjie brushed one of his long, black locks out of his eyes, then glared at his fellow student. “Show some respect.”
“Me?” Bohai asked as he clutched his chest in an overdramatic effort to feign surprise. “What about my precious time? Where is the master’s respect for that?
At the end of the line stood Niu, a big bald beast of a man who spoke in a booming baritone. “We are where we are meant to be. If we weren’t meant to be here at this very moment, then we wouldn’t be here.”
“Oh spare me your fatalist nonsense,” Bohai said.
“If you are meant to be spared then you will be,” Niu replied.
Bohai sighed. “I’m surrounded by imbeciles.”
Junjie leaned forward and craned his neck to the right, thus allowing himself a brief glimpse of the beautiful young woman standing between Bohai and Niu. Alas, the handsome hero only caught a quick peak at Mei-Ling’s enchanting eyes before his field of vision was blocked by Bohai’s pompous puss.
“Oggling our sister-in arms when we are supposed to be waiting for the master’s wisdom? Tsk, tsk, Junjie. Where is YOUR respect?”
In that moment, Bohai’s smarmy mug looked so punchable, but Junjie knew the master would not approve. So he used his words instead.
“It’s up your ass,” Junjie said.
Bohai’s face contorted with anger. He sputtered. He stammered. His mouth puckered as if it had just tasted a sour lemon. He was about to give Junjie a vigorous tongue lashing when he was interrupted by a gruff, gravelly voice.
“That’s the last place I would expect to find respect.”
The four thoroughly shocked disciples turned around to find the master had been standing behind them for quite some time. They balled their right hands into fists, punched their left hands, then bowed. The master did the same.
The Infallible Master wore a flowing white robe to match his long white hair and beard. He walked slowly with his back hunched over and rested his weight on a finely crafted cane, the length of which was constructed out of shimmering jade. A red ruby at the top served as a grip for the master to hold on to.
“Master,” Bohai said as his face turned crimson. “Why, I was just extolling your virtues but these three refused to hear of it…”
The master grinned and rested a boney hand on Bohai’s shoulder. “It’s all right, my son. I too was once a young man who considered all old men to be fools. Just know that old fools have ears that work better than you might think.”
The old man surveyed his students.
“Junjie,” the master said. “So gallant. So brave. And yet, I sense much self-doubt in you. Why you do not believe in yourself, I do not know, for your skills are formidable.”
“I doubt I have the intelligence to figure out why I am so doubtful,” Junjie replied.
The master flashed Junjie a deadpan glare until the young fighter said, “Oh right. I’ll work on it.”
The master moved on. “Bohai.”
“Master?”
“No master can lead efficiently if he is surrounded by sycophants who only tell him what he wants to hear,” the master said. “You are a contrarian prick who would argue the sky is orange if I were to say it is blue, but I would not have it any other way.”
“Funny you mention that,” Bohai said as he wagged a finger at the master, “Because as it so happens, there are a few changes I’d like to make around here…”
“Not now, assface,” the master said as he moved on.
The master gazed at the most alluring member of the quartet. “Darling Mei-Ling. Your beauty and grace are matched only by your determination.”
Mei-Ling nodded.
“I can only imagine what horrors you saw as a child when Dragonhand destroyed your village.”
Mei-Ling nodded again.
“But it is my hope that one day you may learn to live with a past that cannot be undone, for only then will you feel comfortable enough to speak again.”
Mei-Ling frowned.
“Find your voice,” the master said as he gripped Mei-Ling’s shoulder. “For I know you have much to say and the world will benefit greatly to hear it.”
Mei-Ling smiled sheepishly.
The master stood before the fourth disciple. “Niu. You are big as an ox and twice as loyal.”
“If that is what I am, then that is what I am,” Niu replied.
“Yes,” the master said. “And while I applaud your ability to accept the twists and turns that fate inevitably throws our way, I hope in time you will realize that fate merely sets up the words on a page. How we arrange those words is up to us.”
“If I am to figure that out then I will, master,” Niu said.
The master took a step back and looked at the entire group.
“Like all of this clan’s disciples since time immemorial, the four of you were brought to this sanctuary as orphans. Some of you were unwanted and unloved. Others were wanted and very much loved by parents who left this world too soon. Time is as fast as a leopard and twice as cunning, for sooner or later, it sneaks up on everyone, even your master. I recall when you were all mere babes and now you stand before me, having learned all I am able to teach you.”
The master’s face turned grave. His eyes looked weary.
“And though I have been blessed with an entire millennium,” the master said as he tapped the end of his staff on the floor. “I have learned that my fire will soon grow dim and burn out.”
A single tear rolled down Junjie’s cheek. “Master, what are you saying?”
The master took his hand off the top of his staff, gripped it by the mid-section, and raised it high into the air. In doing so, the group was fascinated to see that the ruby was glowing bright red.
“The Staff of Ages has indicated to me that the time to select the Twentieth Master of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw has come.”
Yes, I know I have a ridiculous amount of irons in the fire aka half finished stories.
Yes, I know I should stop doing that.
I love kung fu movies. I love zombies. I was inspired. I will most definitely finish and publish everything I have started, but I think my first novel really needs to be “clean” or as clean (clean as in not dirty) and this is as clean as I get.
So behold, Zom Fu, a send up of cheesy kung fu movie tropes and also, zombies.
My thought is perhaps over the next year or so I can release a Zom Fu novel, then a Zombie Western and go back and forth.
I know. I’m all over the place. I’m sorry. Let me know what you think.
Bookshelf Battle 