Here’s what I wrote about in July 2014, told in Game of Thrones style:
LORDS VARYS AND BAELYSH walk through the empty throne room, the IRON THRONE looming large in their presence.
VARYS: My little birds tell me there’s an idiot out there who doesn’t know how to run a book blog.
VARYS: I confess I know not. Perhaps he thinks he’s the next Roger Ebert.
BAELYSH: To aspire to be the next Roger Ebert is a dangerous goal – like a man reaching for the sun and forgetting to keep his footing on the treacherous ground below him.
VARYS: Even worse, he apparently thinks he’s some type of comedian – making light of Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull. Does he think he could do be better if Hollywood gave him a budget and a crew?
BAELYSH: My whores could make a better movie than that if they were given a budget and a crew.
VARYS: Stupid lowborn.
BAELYSH: Idiot eunuch.
MEANWHILE ACROSS THE NARROW SEA:
The KHALEESI sits on a throne inside a pyramid. SER JORAH is on his knees, begging.
KHALEESI: You spied on me! You sent information about me and my child to the usurper!
JORAH: The info was mostly about your brother and come on, my lady, let’s be honest – he was kind of a dick.
KHALEESI: Even worse, you subscribed to a book blog that ONLY REVIEWED ONE BOOK IN JULY! Only one single, solitary book! How dare he call himself a book blogger if he can’t be bothered to produce more book reviews?
JORAH: But surely everyone wants to read a review of Fletch, Khaleesi!
KHALEESI: Don’t call me that! Leave at once, or I’ll have your head! Don’t come back until you’ve found a book blog that reviews at least TWO books a month!
BEYOND THE WALL…
YGRITTE: You know nothing, Jon Snow.
JON SNOW: Not true. I know all about the poem, Invictus thanks to a poetry discussion on bookshelfbattle.com
YGRITTE: We never should have left that cave.
JON SNOW: We had to. There was no Diet Shasta Strawberry soda in there.
ACROSS THE COUNTRYSIDE:
THE HOUND: All your relatives are dead, nobody to pay me my money, what in Seven Hells are we to do now?
THE HOUND: I’d rather borrow another one of me brother’s toys without asking again.
AT TYRION’S TRIAL
TYRION: I wish to confess. I saved you. I saved this city – and all your worthless lives. I should have let Stannis lecture you all into boredom about whether or not life is a tale told by an idiot.
I didn’t make Joffrey read about “A Plague on Both Your Houses!” though I wish I had!
AT THE FIGHT BETWEEN THE RED VIPER AND THE MOUNTAIN:
RED VIPER: You followed @bookshelfbattle on Twitter! You followed http://bookshelfbattle.tumblr.com/ on tumblr! You liked the Bookshelf Battle page on Facebook! Admit it! I’ll hear you confess! Who gave the order?!
THE MOUNTAIN: YEAH I FOLLOWED ALL THE FABULOUS BOOKSHELFBATTLE SOCIAL MEDIA!!! AND I DID IT JUST LIKE THIS! (Smashes the Red Viper’s computer into a million pieces).
As always, thanks for reading. Looking forward to entertaining you with more booktabulous goodness in August.