A Six Part Series
AUTHOR: Rebecca Martley
PUBLISHER: Schmeckford, Schmeckford and Dondlinger
DATES OF PUBLICATION: 2012-2015
When it comes to Young Adult fiction, Rebecca Martley’s Arrowblast sets the gold standard. Others may try, but few will be able to match Martley’s skills in world building or character development.
In the future, and also in an alternate dimension, a second version of Earth is conquered by the cruel and unjust Overlord Kwazlo, who is by far just the nastiest jerk-face you could ever possibly imagine. Where the world was once a happy place, it has now descended into decay and despair, as Kwazlo has outlawed all fun and merriment under penalty of death.
On a farm in the middle of nowhere, Tessa Fireswarm lives with her kindly Uncle Larry, her parents having been kidnapped by the Kwazlo Regime and forced to slave away in a mine. Larry is a pleasant fellow who’s refused to let the sorry state of the world get him down.
One night, Larry sings a happy tune, and unlucky for him, a contingent of Kwazlo’s men hear it. Instantly, they insert Larry into a high-velocity cannon and blast him into the stratosphere, where scientific principles dictate he’d either pop like a ripe watermelon, burn up to a crisp in the atmosphere, or suffer a heart attack from the trauma of being shot out of a cannon.
Tessa, once a peaceful girl, vows revenge and plots an attack on Castle Kwazlo. She recruits her dueling love interests, the handsome and dashing Esteban and the dorky yet dependable Melvin.
The rest, as they say, is history. Here’s the reading order along with a short synopsis of each book:
Arrowblast 1 – The Song Sentence – With no prior battlefield experience or training, three teenagers who’ve never held a weapon before manage to fight their way past Kwazlo’s forward defenses, using little more than their luck, wit and a bow and arrow Uncle Larry used to shoot squirrels with. Seriously, Tessa was the only armed one. Esteban and Melvin just threw rocks and doled out wedgies.
Arrowblast 2 – Big Box Office Returns – Following the monumental success of the summer blockbuster Arrowblast movie, Martley rolled up her sleeves and delighted her fans with a sequel. Kwazlo, infuriated that three plucky teenagers with no prior battlefield experience and only one bow and arrow were able to defeat an entire division of his army, invents an evil Tessa look alike robot. Robo Tessa tricks the dimwitted Esteban to wander off to what surely will be a gruesome fate. Melvin is immune to Robo Tessa’s charms as he’s too in love with the real Tessa to be hoodwinked by an imposter. Real Tessa is moved by Melvin’s loyalty, but chooses Esteban anyway because, well, it’s never expressly said because he’s better looking than Melvin but…yeah.
Arrowblast 3 – Three Time’s a Blast – Kwazlo hires 3,000 assassins to hunt down Tessa. Tessa shoots all but one of them in the face with her bow and arrow aka “The Arrowblaster.” The worst assassin, Demonus Repulsivo, takes a shot at Tessa. Esteban yells “Feets don’t fail me now!” and runs the hell out of there. Melvin, without thinking, jumps in front of Tessa and takes the hit, becoming mortally wounded. Tessa still chooses Esteban because…yeah.
Arrowblast 4 – This is Getting Ridiculous – Melvin recovers on Uncle Larry’s farm while Tessa and Esteban infiltrate Castle Kwazlo. They’re surprised at how easily they are able to penetrate the vile dictator’s defenses when suddenly, they find themselves hanging by their feet over a pit of lava filled with man eating sharks that have been genetically modified to be resistant to lava burns. It was a trap all along. Melvin, after receiving word of Tessa’s fate, makes an impassioned and moving speech that convinces all of the farmers in the land to take up arms and march to Castle Kwazlo. Melvin leads the charge, defeats all the sharks, and frees Tessa and Esteban. In the end, Tessa chooses Esteban because…you know, Esteban has a six-pack and plays football while Melvin has glasses and is all nerdy and shit.
Arrowblast 5 – Cashgrabber Supreme – Following the success of the Arrowblast 1, 2, 3, 3.5, 4, 4.3, 4.5 and 4.9 movies, Martley bring us a fifth installment of her unstoppable franchise that makes the youth of the world swoon and writers from here to Cucamonga green with envy. Melvin is finally over Tessa. He gets laser eye surgery and finds a love interest in Janessica Paramour. Suddenly, Tessa wants to be all over Melvin but he lets her know she can talk to the hand. Kwazlo attacks the base of the revolutionary farmers but our band of heroes fend off the attack. Following the battle, Melvin lets Tessa know that his love for her continues to burn brightly and he’s hers if she’ll have him. Tessa replies, “Well, now that you want me again it’s not that interesting! See ya’!” Janessica hears the entire exchange and kickboxes Melvin in the face.
Arrowblast 6 – The Final Blastening: Parts 1-3 – Exhausted from having to constantly fend off attacks from an army of teenagers with little to no battlefield experience, Kwazlo develops a gigantic laser cannon designed to burn up anyone under 21. Melvin leads the attack on the laser cannon itself. Tessa oversees the ground forces as they overrun Castle Kwazlo once and for all. Esteban is charged with leading a second wave on the laser but gets lost in a canyon and refuses to ask for directions. In a final battle royale, Tessa delivers a death blow to her arch enemy. She unmasks him to discover that Kwazlo was in fact, Uncle Larry the entire time. Except it’s not the Larry Tessa knew. It’s Larry from the other version of Earth, thus totally blowing fans minds and causing them to lose their shit all over Twitter. Melvin and Tessa marry and become just rulers. Esteban remains lost in the canyon for ten years. Finally, he finds his way out and Tessa divorces Melvin to marry Esteban, because he’s friggin’ Esteban. Enraged, Melvin dons the mask of Kwazlo, thus beginning the upcoming twenty part series: The New Kwazlo: Rebecca Needs a House in Malibu.
A tiny version of Tessa frequents the Bookshelf Battle Compound, thanks to the magic bookshelf. BQB is constantly putting out fires caused by Tessa’s arrow blasts, which she fires indiscriminately and with reckless abandon with no regard for BQB’s property.
Find out more in BQB and The Meaning of Life – Part 1 – A Toaster Pastry Too Far
Copyright Bookshelf Q. Battler (2015) All Rights Reserved
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BQB’s Attorney says: “This is a parody.”