Daily Archives: May 26, 2015

Fake Book Review: Arrowblast Series

Arrowblast

A Six Part Series

AUTHOR:  Rebecca Martley

PUBLISHER:  Schmeckford, Schmeckford and Dondlinger

DATES OF PUBLICATION: 2012-2015

When it comes to Young Adult fiction, Rebecca Martley’s Arrowblast sets the gold standard.  Others may try, but few will be able to match Martley’s skills in world building or character development.

The setup?

Tessa sets at least fifty fires a day in the BQB compound.  Luckily, BQB always keeps a fire extinguisher handy.

Tessa sets at least fifty fires a day in the BQB compound. Luckily, BQB always keeps a fire extinguisher handy.

In the future, and also in an alternate dimension, a second version of Earth is conquered by the cruel and unjust Overlord Kwazlo, who is by far just the nastiest jerk-face you could ever possibly imagine.  Where the world was once a happy place, it has now descended into decay and despair, as Kwazlo has outlawed all fun and merriment under penalty of death.

On a farm in the middle of nowhere, Tessa Fireswarm lives with her kindly Uncle Larry, her parents having been kidnapped by the Kwazlo Regime and forced to slave away in a mine.  Larry is a pleasant fellow who’s refused to let the sorry state of the world get him down.

One night, Larry sings a happy tune, and unlucky for him, a contingent of Kwazlo’s men hear it.  Instantly, they insert Larry into a high-velocity cannon and blast him into the stratosphere, where scientific principles dictate he’d either pop like a ripe watermelon, burn up to a crisp in the atmosphere, or suffer a heart attack from the trauma of being shot out of a cannon.

Tessa, once a peaceful girl, vows revenge and plots an attack on Castle Kwazlo.  She recruits her dueling love interests, the handsome and dashing Esteban and the dorky yet dependable Melvin.

The rest, as they say, is history.  Here’s the reading order along with a short synopsis of each book:

Arrowblast 1The Song Sentence – With no prior battlefield experience or training, three teenagers who’ve never held a weapon before manage to fight their way past Kwazlo’s forward defenses, using little more than their luck, wit and a bow and arrow Uncle Larry used to shoot squirrels with.  Seriously, Tessa was the only armed one.  Esteban and Melvin just threw rocks and doled out wedgies.

Arrowblast 2 – Big Box Office Returns – Following the monumental success of the summer blockbuster Arrowblast movie, Martley rolled up her sleeves and delighted her fans with a sequel.  Kwazlo, infuriated that three plucky teenagers with no prior battlefield experience and only one bow and arrow were able to defeat an entire division of his army, invents an evil Tessa look alike robot.  Robo Tessa tricks the dimwitted Esteban to wander off to what surely will be a gruesome fate.  Melvin is immune to Robo Tessa’s charms as he’s too in love with the real Tessa to be hoodwinked by an imposter.  Real Tessa is moved by Melvin’s loyalty, but chooses Esteban anyway because, well, it’s never expressly said because he’s better looking than Melvin but…yeah.

Arrowblast 3 – Three Time’s a Blast – Kwazlo hires 3,000 assassins to hunt down Tessa.  Tessa shoots all but one of them in the face with her bow and arrow aka “The Arrowblaster.”  The worst assassin, Demonus Repulsivo, takes a shot at Tessa.  Esteban yells “Feets don’t fail me now!” and runs the hell out of there.  Melvin, without thinking, jumps in front of Tessa and takes the hit, becoming mortally wounded.  Tessa still chooses Esteban because…yeah.

Arrowblast 4 – This is Getting Ridiculous – Melvin recovers on Uncle Larry’s farm while Tessa and Esteban infiltrate Castle Kwazlo.  They’re surprised at how easily they are able to penetrate the vile dictator’s defenses when suddenly, they find themselves hanging by their feet over a pit of lava filled with man eating sharks that have been genetically modified to be resistant to lava burns.  It was a trap all along.  Melvin, after receiving word of Tessa’s fate, makes an impassioned and moving speech that convinces all of the farmers in the land to take up arms and march to Castle Kwazlo.  Melvin leads the charge, defeats all the sharks, and frees Tessa and Esteban.  In the end, Tessa chooses Esteban because…you know, Esteban has a six-pack and plays football while Melvin has glasses and is all nerdy and shit.

Arrowblast 5 – Cashgrabber Supreme – Following the success of the Arrowblast 1, 2, 3, 3.5, 4, 4.3, 4.5 and 4.9 movies, Martley bring us a fifth installment of her unstoppable franchise that makes the youth of the world swoon and writers from here to Cucamonga green with envy.  Melvin is finally over Tessa.  He gets laser eye surgery and finds a love interest in Janessica Paramour.  Suddenly, Tessa wants to be all over Melvin but he lets her know she can talk to the hand.  Kwazlo attacks the base of the revolutionary farmers but our band of heroes fend off the attack.  Following the battle, Melvin lets Tessa know that his love for her continues to burn brightly and he’s hers if she’ll have him.  Tessa replies, “Well, now that you want me again it’s not that interesting!  See ya’!”  Janessica hears the entire exchange and kickboxes Melvin in the face.

Arrowblast 6 – The Final Blastening:  Parts 1-3 – Exhausted from having to constantly fend off attacks from an army of teenagers with little to no battlefield experience, Kwazlo develops a gigantic laser cannon designed to burn up anyone under 21.  Melvin leads the attack on the laser cannon itself.  Tessa oversees the ground forces as they overrun Castle Kwazlo once and for all.  Esteban is charged with leading a second wave on the laser but gets lost in a canyon and refuses to ask for directions.  In a final battle royale, Tessa delivers a death blow to her arch enemy. She unmasks him to discover that Kwazlo was in fact, Uncle Larry the entire time.  Except it’s not the Larry Tessa knew.  It’s Larry from the other version of Earth, thus totally blowing fans minds and causing them to lose their shit all over Twitter.  Melvin and Tessa marry and become just rulers.  Esteban remains lost in the canyon for ten years.  Finally, he finds his way out and Tessa divorces Melvin to marry Esteban, because he’s friggin’ Esteban.  Enraged, Melvin dons the mask of Kwazlo, thus beginning the upcoming twenty part series: The New Kwazlo:  Rebecca Needs a House in Malibu.

A tiny version of Tessa frequents the Bookshelf Battle Compound, thanks to the magic bookshelf.  BQB is constantly putting out fires caused by Tessa’s arrow blasts, which she fires indiscriminately and with reckless abandon with no regard for BQB’s property.

Find out more in BQB and The Meaning of Life – Part 1 – A Toaster Pastry Too Far

Copyright Bookshelf Q. Battler (2015)  All Rights Reserved

Image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license

BQB’s Attorney says:  “This is a parody.”

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BQB and the Meaning of Life – Part 11 – A Most Annoying Manner

PREVIOUSLY ON BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER AND THE MEANING OF LIFE…

Our hero, BQB dies on the toilet, much like Elvis except with more lightning.  He returns to life after being advised by William Shakespeare to seek the meaning of life.  Thus far, all he has managed to do is eat cornflakes while resting his butt on a prescription donut pillow whilst being lectured by the greatest detective of all time.

READ PARTS 1-5

PART 6             PART 8          PART 10

PART 7              PART 9

AND NOW BQB AND THE MEANING OF LIFE CONTINUES…

“Look,” I said. “I’m not an idiot. I realize Blandie is never coming back. But she was an important part of my life for years. So what if I keep a picture of her around?”

“Prominently displayed on the wall behind your kitchen table,” Holmes said.

“And so what if I changed my life for her?” I asked. “Maybe she was the reason in the beginning, but after awhile, I stayed in the business world because I believed there was a better chance of success for me as a businessman than as a writer. Everyone who can push a pencil thinks he can write. I thought at least in business there would not be as much competition. I had no idea the economy would tank and a lousy assistant’s assistant job would be all I could find.

“And every day you wonder what would have been had you taken the time you spent rising to a go-nowhere job at Beige Corp. and applied it to your love of the English language,” Holmes said.

Average Beige Corp employee.

Average Beige Corp employee.

I banged my forehead against the table with a thud.

“Yes,” I said. “You’re right. Every day of my life I wonder exactly that.”

“I’ve done it again, Watson!”

“You’ve solved the case, Holmes?”

“Elementary, my dear Watson,” Holmes said. “Elementary! Mr. Bookshelf’s testicles now reside in a mason jar prominently displayed on his ex-girlfriend’s night stand!”

“Highly unlikely, Holmes.”

“I’m speaking metaphorically, man!”

“You know, Old Sports,” Gatsby chimed in. “Some of us are trying to read the funny papers.”

“Guys,” I said. “I appreciate you trying to help. But that isn’t even what’s been bothering me lately.”

“Then please, Mr. Bookshelf,” Watson said. “Unload your burden on our ears, sir. It is the least we can do for the room and board you provide us.”

“You wouldn’t believe me,” I said.

“We’ve seen many unbelievable things,” Holmes said.

I sighed.

“After the toilet incident, I briefly died,” I said. “I found myself in God’s waiting room, where William Shakespeare, the greatest writer of our common language, informed me that he had been appointed as my spiritual guide. He then told me that the best experience man can hope for is a brief, fleeting moment of contentment, and that can only be provided by discovering the meaning of life, the path toward which I will find in a most annoying manner.”

Holmes, Watson, and Gatsby all shot blank stares in my general direction.

“Sounds like somebody needs to lay off the goofy juice, Old Sport.”

“You guys don’t believe me?” I asked.

“Mr. Bookshelf,” Holmes said. “My archenemy is a traitorous university professor. Watson and I once encountered a case that involved allegations of a murderous ghost dog. Your claim of meeting the Bard after dying in your latrine does not provide me with any doubt whatsoever. Watson and I shall gladly help you solve this mystery.”

“Indeed we shall,” Watson said.

“It will be even greater than the case we just solved moments ago,” Holmes said. “The Case of the Meaning of Life!”

“I always thought it was to eat a balanced diet, perform your calisthenics without fail, and when in doubt, swallow a heaping table spoon of cod liver oil,” Watson said.

“You’re thinking of how to live a clean life,” Holmes said. “We’re talking about the meaning of life.”

“Party all day and convince others you’re better than they think you are, Young Duffer,” Monroe said.

“That actually doesn’t sound like a bad idea,” I replied.

“Bark! Bark! Bark!”

Unnoticed by me, Bookshelf Q. Battle Dog had left the kitchen and made his way to the living room.

“Now then, Watson,” Holmes said. “We must return to the bookshelf and consult Mr. Bookshelf’s volumes pertaining to science, religion, philosophy, and spirituality.”

“BARK! BARK! BARK!”

Bookshelf Q. Battle Dog’s barks grew louder and louder.

“A wise course of action, Holmes,” Watson said. “Surely some scholar has expounded upon the meaning of life.”

“BARK! BARK! BARK!”

“Battle Dog!” I yelled. “Keep it down in there!”

“Devise a list of noted philosophers, Watson,” Holmes said. “We will start with the modern thinkers and work our way backwards until…”

“BARK! BARK! BARK!”

“I say,” Holmes said. “Is it possible to shut that hound’s mouth…his incessant yammering is really most…”

Holmes and I looked at each other, smiled, then said it together.

“ANNOYING!

Surely you are brimming with anticipation over the next part of BQB and the Meaning of Life!  Stop begging.  You’ll just have to wait until tomorrow.

Copyright (C) Bookshelf Q. Battler 2015.  All Rights Reserved.

Oh Sir Arthur Conan Doyle please forgive me.

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