Daily Archives: May 19, 2015

Capt. Thaddeus Talbot

Capt. Talbot

Capt. Talbot

LA Police Homicide Division.  Jake Hatcher’s Boss 1947-1950.  

Often caught between his boss, the Mayor, who feels campaign donations allow LA’s criminal element free reign and his detective’s one man crusade to clean up the City of Angels, no matter how many body bags are filled.

Below, our trusty World War One veteran gets balled out by His Honor:

TALBOT:

Hello Mr. Mayor.  How are you?  What can I do you for, sir?

Uh huh…uh huh.

Hatcher did what now?

Uh huh…uh huh.

Yes, you have a point.  I’d prefer to see a lower body count before this whole hullabaloo blows over as well.

You don’t say?  Uh huh.  Shot up a night club in the middle of the day?  Why, I’d call that ingenious, sir.  If you have to shoot up a joint, the less people around the better.

Uh huh.

Well, listen Mr. Mayor…let’s be honest here, “Mugsy McGillicuddy” and “fine upstanding citizen” aren’t exactly two phrases I’d use in the same sentence….huh?

Right.  Yes.  Of course.  Campaign contributor?  All right but does mean he just gets to…I see.

Difference of opinion I suppose, your honor.  Yes.  Yes.

Uh huh.  All right don’t worry, sir.  I’ll grab a switch and tan Hatcher’s hide until it’s a size regular leather coat.

OK then.  You as well, sir.  You as well.  My best to Mrs. Mayor.

:::HANGS UP:::

:::DIALS SECRETARY:::

TALBOT:

Gretchen.

GRETCHEN:

Yes Captain?

TALBOT:

Will you tell Hatcher to get his skinny Irish ass in here so I can hand it to him?

GRETCHEN:

Yes sir.

TALBOT:

And get me some seltzer will you?

GRETCHEN:

Stomach acting up again sir?

TALBOT:

Every day since I put that shit heel on the payroll.

Hatcher starts giving Talbot pains in the old labonza in June.

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Get Abducted! Help Alien Jones!

Alien Jones.

"Pardon me, Earth loser.  Do you have any honey mustard sauce for my space nuggets?"

“Pardon me, Earth loser. Do you have any honey mustard sauce for my space nuggets?”

He’s on a two-fold mission:

1)  Help get Bookshelf Q. Battler’s blog off the ground, thus introducing a writer who will stem the tide of reality programming.  AJ’s boss, the Mighty Potentate, hates reality programming.

2) Answer questions posed to him in his “Ask the Alien” column, which he writes in an effort to raise Earth’s collective level of intelligence and help it overcome its label of “Dumbest Planet in the Universe.”  (Theoretically, this could help with the anti-reality TV mission.)

Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy one?  Submit it in the comments, tweet it to @bookshelfbattle or leave it on the Bookshelf Battle Google Plus page.

Together, we can stop the onslaught of reality programming, thus ensuring the Mighty Potentate’s eye holes won’t be offended by the likes of:

Reality TV Shows the Mighty Potentate Hates

1)  Goat Martial Artists

2)  Nazi Housewives of Kalamazoo

3)  Flatulence Intervention

4)  Who Wants to Marry a Clown?  (As in an actual circus clown)

5)  The spin off – America’s Next Top Clown  (Clowns compete in a clown judged competition to be the nation’s favorite clown)

6)  Dancing with the Hobos

7)  Day in the Life of Insert Formerly Fabulous Now Elderly and Incompetent Movie Star, Singer, Other Entertainer

8)  Satan’s Breakfast Nook (It’s like Hell’s Kitchen, but an angry chef yells at you that you’re scrambling the eggs all wrong)

9)  Schmuck Island

10)  Antique Ninjas (Not old ninjas but ninjas who go antiquing)

Alien Jones hates stupidity and intergalactic fast food workers who forget to put his honey mustard sauce in the bag.

He’ll have to get his own honey mustard, but let’s him help him answer some questions.  Ask away.

As always, he’ll plug your book or blog in his answer.

Alien abduction image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license

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BQB and the Meaning of Life – Part 5 – The Return Kiss

PREVIOUSLY ON BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER AND THE MEANING OF LIFE…

PART ONE – Dead by an electrified toaster pastry!

PART TWO – Awake in a 1930’s speakeasy surrounded by dead celebrities!

PART THREE – A beloved deceased female celebrity from my generation who died too soon is bringing me free drinks!

PART FOUR – And William Shakespeare has been appointed as my spiritual guide!

AND NOW BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER AND THE MEANING OF LIFE CONTINUES…

“You always wanted to be a writer, didn’t you?” Bill asked.

“How did you know?”

“I read your treatment for Attack of the Killer Mutant Fish,” Bill said. “A solid effort for a ten year old with a notebook and a pencil. Tell me. Why didn’t you achieve your dream?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “Same reason why so many wannabe writers never make it. Not enough publishing houses to accommodate everyone. Readers only have so much time and so much money to spend that even if you do get published, your work might get blown away in the breeze, lost in a vast sea of writers trying to make it big.”

“Sounds like a bunch of excuses,”  Bill said.

A thespian reenacts the expression Bookshelf Q. Battler had on his face the entire time he was in God's Waiting Room.  It isn't that far off from the expression he makes even on his best days either.

A thespian reenacts the expression Bookshelf Q. Battler had on his face the entire time he was in God’s Waiting Room. It isn’t that far off from the expression BQB makes most of the time, even on his best days.

“Few of us will be lucky enough to remain at the top of the tenth grade summer reading list four hundred years after we kick the bucket,”  I said.

“Touche,”  Bill replied.  “But despite being aware of all the obstacles, you did, as a young lad, try to become a writer anyway.  Why did you stop?”

“Fledgling writers don’t make much money,”  I said.  “I wanted a big house, a fancy car, an awesome wife, the whole nine yards…”

“And did selling out your dream provide you with all of those things?”  Bill asked.

“I spend my free time writing a book review blog in which I never write a book review,”  I said.  “What do you think?”

“Could be worse,”  Bill said.  “Last week I had to advise some poor schlub who hanged himself after he couldn’t take one more lonely night of writing Firefly fan fiction.”

“So what are you saying?”  I asked.  “If I become a famous writer, then I’ll find the meaning of life, and then I will be allowed into Heaven?”

Bill slapped his knee and erupted into a hearty, robust laughter.  The inhabitants of the bar – Lincoln, Albert, Eddie, Cleopatra…everyone, they all laughed too.

“I’m afraid it is not that easy, my new friend!”  Bill said.

The waitress returned with another martini for bill and a scotch on the rocks for me.

“This is what I recommend for people when they’re told that finding the meaning of life isn’t that easy,” the waitress said.  She then sauntered away and greeted John Wayne as he entered the room.

“Well, Howdy Pilgrims!”  John yelled.

“Howdy, John!”  the deceased historical barflies retorted.

“Few people ever come close to touching the dreams that dwell within their hearts,”  Shakespeare said.  “Do you think a deity would ever be so cruel as to make the meaning of life and the attainment of a dream one and the same?”

“Ummm.” I thought about it for a moment. “Is this a riddle?”

“No,” Shakespeare said. “The meaning of life is not discovered through dream fulfillment. Alternatively, following one’s dreams does not lead one down the path toward the meaning of life.”

“You’re getting awfully meta, dude,”  I said.  “Are you going to ask me what a tree sounds like if it falls down in the middle of a forest with no one around to hear it?”

“CRACK! BOOM!” the waitress yelled over from the bar, where she was busily setting drink cups on her tray.

“The meaning of life does allow a person to be content,” Bill said. “Find the meaning of life, and you will know a brief feeling of contentment.”

“Contentment?” I asked.

“Satisfaction,” Bill said.

“Happiness?” I asked.

“Eh,” Bill replied. “I wouldn’t go that far. No one is ever truly happy.”

“Seriously?” I asked.

“Seriously,” Shakespeare said. “It is human nature to always want more, no matter how much you may already have. Thus, even people who look happy and act happy, even those who think they are happy, are not truly happy.”

“So a brief moment of contentment is all we can achieve?” I asked.

“Yes,” Shakespeare said. “And God, he’s giving you a second chance. Find the meaning of life and you will find your brief moment of contentment.”

“Why am I so special that God would give me a second chance?” I asked.

“I was actually wondering the same thing,” Bill said. “No offense, but you look pretty mediocre. Is your cousin a congressman or something?”

“No.”

“Huh,” Bill said. “Well, the Lord does work in mysterious ways.”

Bill looked at an old clock hanging on the wall.

“It is time to return you to your world now, Mr. Bookshelf,” Bill said. “But you can’t be sent back without someone on the other side to welcome you. Tell me, if you were to return to your life, would there be one person happy to see you?”

I thought about it. And thought. And thought. Five minutes passed. I had nothing.

Bill looked at his pocket watch. The waitress sauntered over and handed me a bottle of Goldschlager.

“If it’s taking you this long to think of someone who misses you on the other side, you’ll need this,” the waitress said.

“Booze with flecks of gold in it?” I asked.

“Makes your pee shiny,” the waitress said. “It’ll be a nice distraction from your shell of a life.”

“I’m sorry,” Bill said. “But if you cannot think of anyone from the physical realm who is lamenting your loss, then I must inform you that you will remain trapped in this room forever.”

I snapped my fingers.

“Wait!” I said. “I thought of someone!”

Bill smiled.

“Then you may return to your life,” Bill said. “But know this, good sir, if you do not seek out the meaning of life, you will not get a second chance at Heaven.”

“Wait,” I said. “Odds are few people have ever found the meaning of life, yet most people are decent human beings. You’re telling me all those people end up in Hell?”

“Not Hell,” Shakespeare said. “Just Second Class Heaven. You see there’s a First Class Heaven, akin to being served at a Rodeo Drive boutique, and then there’s Second Class Heaven, which is like being served at Wal-Mart.”

“Takes you forever to get your halo there,” the waitress said. “And when you do, its usually scuffed and second hand.”

“I understand your confusion,”  Shakespeare said.  “You see, to us First Class Heaven folk, Second Class Heaven is so blasé that we rarely even refer to it as Heaven at all.  It’s just a place where God sticks all the people who never earned eternal reward or punishment.”

“The catch-all kitchen drawer of the cosmos”  the waitress said.  “You know, that drawer where you put your batteries, your rubber bands, loose screws, spare appliance parts, crap you don’t know what else to do with but feel bad throwing away…”

“I get it,”  I said.  “Well, it looks like it’s second class for me.  I have no idea where to begin searching for the meaning of life.”

“Don’t worry,” Bill said. “You’ll find a clue in a most annoying manner.”

“Thanks Mr. Cryptic,” I said. “So how do I get back?”

The waitress sat on my lap. It seemed a tad forward, but who was I to argue with a beloved female celebrity from my generation who passed away too soon?

“Close your eyes, honey,”  she said.

“Alright.”

I closed them.  I was back in the darkness, where I saw absolutely nothing, and felt only a pair of juicy lips pressing themselves up against mine.

Will Bookshelf Q. Battler make it back to the physical world?  Find out next time on Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life!

Copyright (C) Bookshelf Q. Battler.  All Rights Reserved.

Drunk guy photo courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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