By: Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent
Greetings Earth Losers. It is I, Alien Jones, the most intelligent being in the cosmos, here with an important public service announcement.
Beware the Moloklaxons – the Universe’s Greatest Weirdoes
Perhaps one day you one of you humans might turn off your TV, your computer, your cell phone, your iPad, your iWatch, or your iWhatever and do something crazy like, oh I don’t know, venture outside your dwelling and take in some your planet’s fresh air.
Actually, that’s not advisable as you clowns have evaporated your ozone layer, what with your body sprays and fancy butt perfumes and all, but I digress.
While your outside, you may encounter what we in the intergalactic exploration business refer to as an “Unidentified Flying Object.”
That’s a bit of a misnomer. To you, it’s unidentified. To us, it’s those damn Moloklaxons, the jerk faces of the universe.
While most civilized alien worlds banned the practice of abduction over a thousand years ago, the Moloklaxons feel there is nothing more hilarious to do on a Saturday night than to beam an unsuspecting human into their craft, fly all over the galaxy, perform disturbing nether region probes, then drop said human off in the middle of the nowhere, making sure to dose said human with a gallon of Kentucky bourbon so that the Earth authorities will write the abduction victim off as a drunkard or kook.
If you see such a spaceship in your vicinity – run! And if the Moloklaxons tell you that they must abduct you in the name of intergalactic science, know this a hoax, as they are not acting in accordance with intergalactic law.
I’m glad I was able to clear up this important question, Earth losers. Meanwhile, if you have any more questions, you should submit them to Bookshelf Q. Battler who will forward them to me. Drop them in the comments on this blog, on BQB’s Google Plus, or tweet them to @bookshelfbattle
Finally, I’m contractually obligated to remind you that the epic blog serial story, “Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life” will begin right here on bookshelfbattle.com on May 15.
I’m not prominently featured in this tale so really, I could give three craps if you read it.
Alien Jones (aka Lord Alien of House Jones) is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle on Twitter, leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com, or stop by Bookshelf Battle on Google Plus. If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, other project in his answer.