Daily Archives: May 13, 2015

Bookshelf Q. Battlestats


Statistician Jones

Statistician Jones

TO:  Oh Great One, the Awe Inspiring Mighty Potentate, Who Causes All Beings to Quake in Their Boots

FROM:  Your Humble Servant, Alien Jones

RE: Bookshelf Q. Battlestats

All Hail the Mighty Potentate!  May your ganderflazer’s secretions be copious and frothy until time folds over on itself and the totality of universal existence starts all over again!

As requested, an update on your plan to assist Bookshelf Q. Battler become a successful writer, thus stemming the flow of reality programming that threatens your beloved scripted television.

This Friday, May 15, the Summer of Bookshelf begins.  Through a carefully plan series of hypnotic mind control experiments, I have convinced our noble blog host to provide a summer’s worth of serialized stories, in the hopes that he can find more than 3.5 readers.

“The State of the Bookshelf” as of May 13, 2014:

WORDPRESS FOLLOWERS: 969 (Ha! 69!  I’m sorry, Mighty Potentate.  I must be spending too much time amongst the humans).



It is my hope that this summer will help propel Bookshelf Q. Battler’s stats exponentially. Thus, I have asked the humans to do what they can to help as once BQB manages to figure out how to make folding paper money off his drivel, I shall be able to abandon this bogus assignment.

Err…I mean this wonderful opportunity.  Yes, all ideas that originate in the mind of the Mighty Potentate are joyous and splendid.

Fear not, Mighty Potentate, for I shall report post-summer stats in the Fall.

Your Humble Servant,

Alien Jones

Alien image courtesy a shutterstock.com license.

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Mr. Devil Man

The Los Angeles Courant

Yesterday’s News Today!

August 7, 1949


By:  Stan Clarence, Staff Reporter

Mr. Devil Man claims his sixth victim in six days.

A serial killer on the loose!

LOS ANGELES – Women across the City of Angels are locking their doors and sleeping with one eye open as police sources confirm the notorious murderer dubbed “Mr. Devil Man” has claimed his sixth victim in as many days.

Mrs. Cloris Daniels, 24, was found stabbed to death in the living room of her Sunland home late last evening.  Authorities state her husband, Martin, returned home after a night of billiards only to faint upon viewing the gruesome sight.

“At this time we are able to confirm that Mrs. Daniels matches the description of the previous five victims – brunette, blue eyes, slight build and attractive facial features,” said Capt. Thaddeus Talbot, Los Angeles Police Department, Homicide Division.  “My detectives are working diligently to bring the perpetrator of this heinous crime to justice.”

Meanwhile, brunettes across the county are investing in hair dye.

“LA’s getting a new bevy of blondes,” said Sandra Sawyer, owner and proprietor of the Spotlight Beauty Salon, “As if we didn’t have enough of them around here all ready.”

Ms. Laurent went on to note that hair dye appointments are booked solid through September and the line of ladies hoping for a walk-in is out the door and around the corner.

Peaches Durand

Peaches LeMay

The local press have dubbed the killer “Mr. Devil Man” due to the fact that police reports indicate that at each crime scene, the record of the song of the same name sung by legendary Jazz songstress Peaches LeMay was found playing.

Ms. LeMay’s manager, “Step-Aside” Clyde Russell, said his client is heartbroken that her signature song has become associated with such evil deeds.

“That song was never meant to be anything more than playful,” Russell said.  “It’s about a cat that does his woman wrong so she shows him the door.  Nothing more. Ms. LeMay is sick with grief that her signature hit has been twisted around to be associated with violence.”

Rumors abound that Jake Hatcher, the lead detective on the case, and Ms. LeMay, were once an item in the late 1930’s before the critically acclaimed songbird found fame and fortune.

Asked if said speculation requires Detective Hatcher to recuse himself from the case, Capt. Talbot replied, “Don’t you dregs of humanity have anything better to do?  Get the expletive deleted out of my face and don’t print that I said that!”

 Hatcher has his work cut out for him.  No pun intended.  Coming soon to a blog with 3.5 readers near you.

Killer and singer images courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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Alien Jones on How to Follow Bookshelf Q. Battler

Greetings Earth Losers!

Alien Jones, Intergalactic Columnist

Alien Jones, Intergalactic Columnist

Alien Jones here.  As you 3.5 readers are aware, I hail from the most intelligent species in the universe and therefore hold in my cranium a vast reserve of knowledge to answer your questions.

My planet’s Supreme Ruler, The Mighty Potentate, has commanded me to help Bookshelf Q. Battler usher in a new era of entertainment that will push back the scourge of reality television.

Yes, the Mighty Potentate loves his scripted TV and fears that if left unchecked, the reality menace will one day offend his eye receptacles.  No one wants a TV full of “Hollywood Housewives on Crack” or “Undercover Dentist” or “Who Wants to Marry a Schmuck?”

(Between you and me, I actually quite enjoyed Who Wants to Marry a Schmuck?  The schmuck was the best part.  Don’t tell the Mighty Potentate though.)

Anyway, this summer marks Bookshelf Q. Battler’s effort to bring more followers to the blog.  That’s fine by me because as soon as BQB starts getting paid for writing the Mighty Potentate will release me from my columnist duties.

How do I, a lowly human, follow Bookshelf Q. Battler?

TWITTER – @bookshelfbattle

GOOGLE+ – https://plus.google.com/+BookshelfBattleblog/posts

It’s not that it takes much effort to write this column.  My powerful mind allows me to perform hundreds of tasks simultaneously.

I just feel my brilliance needs to be exposed to more than 3.5 readers.

By the way, if you have a question, I’ll answer it, as I am also on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one answer at a time.

You can ask your questions through this site or the same Twitter and Google Plus info above.

The Mighty Potentate has declared your planet to be uber stupid.

No offense.

Alien image courtesy of a shutter stock.com license.

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EAST RANDOM TOWN, USA – Bookshelf Q. Battler’s 3.5 readers were aghast to learn that Bookshelf Q. Battler will croak louder than a frog with a bull horn in the very first part of Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life (Due out this Friday, May 15)

This reporter wanted to know what BQB’s known associates had to say:


ALIEN JONES (Intergalactic Correspondent, All Knowing Alien) – Dude!  SPOILER ALERT!  You’ve just ruined it for the 3.5 readers!


DR. HUGO VON SCIENCE (Prestigious Professor of Science at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University; Columnist, Inventor of the Incredible Exploding Chinchilla and Teflon Pants) – This makes no sense!  So what happens?  BQB just drops dead und pushes up zie daisies for zie rest of zie story?


THE YETI – International War Criminal, Furry Monster, Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Arch Nemesis) – ROAR!  I hope so.  A whole story about that loser pushing up daisies sounds good to me.  He always cheats when we square off in roundhouse kick competitions!

shutterstock_267074402Hardassimo (“Uncle Hardass”) J. Scrambler (The Ghost of BQB’s Deceased Uncle, Husband of Aunt Gertie, Ex-Employee of…THE SALT MINES!) – Good!  Serves that poor excuse of a nephew of mine right!  He’d still be cooking with gas if he’d gotten a job at the SALT MINES like I told him to.

But did he listen?


  “I want to be a writer,” he says.

“I want to inspire the world through the written word,” he says.

Bah!  Oh well.  At least he can join me wherever the hell I am and I can lecture him for all eternity about what a colossal disappointment he is.  If he’s smart, he’ll get a job at THE AFTERLIFE SALT MINES!

REPORTER:  We asked BQB what he thought about this development.

BQB:  Are you serious?

REPORTER:  You drop deader than disco.

BQB:  Well that’s a helluva way to start a story.  What’s left?  Thirty chapters of the Yeti tap dancing on my decomposing remains?

REPORTER: I’m sworn to secrecy.

BQB:  Did you ever find out if my love interest will be played by Katee Sackhoff?

REPORTER: It’s not Katee Sackhoff!

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