Daily Archives: January 29, 2016

How the West Was ZOMBED – Chapter 9

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Highwater didn’t have much in the way of large public buildings, but the Reverend Cavanagh allowed his church to serve as a makeshift jailhouse whenever Slade and Gunther had too many yahoos in custody for the cage in the Marshal’s office to hold.

The Buchanan Boys were arranged six per pew, their legs clapped in irons, each man chained to the one next to him. It wasn’t exactly conducive to good shuteye.

“Now boys,” Gunther said. “Let’s go over the rules.”

Jefferson Knox was a good old boy Gunther knew from way back. A fellow veteran. He had a scar across his right cheek courtesy of a Confederate bayonet. Those were dark times indeed. The American Civil War led to an internal neighbor against neighbor struggle in Missouri. Some, like Gunther and Knox, chose the North. Others chose the South. Fifteen years had gone a long way to heal the statewide wounds, but they weren’t fully closed. Bad blood remained.  Hard feelings festered.  Animosity on a scale that grand  doesn’t go away overnight, let alone a decade or two.

Knox held a double barreled shotgun. He and his mop topped sons, a duo in their early twenties who thankfully got their looks from their mother, had been sworn in as special deputies. Cole was a bit taller and muscular. George was lanky, but it was nothing that a few push-ups couldn’t have fixed. They were each packing pistols, though they’d never used them on anything other than forest animals before.

Like everyone else in town, these three didn’t lift a finger to help Slade in his time of need, but Gunther figured it was better to hire them than Waldo, Townsend, and Blake. At least the Knox family was kind enough to keep their dissent to themselves.

“The first rule is we’re in charge and if you do somethin’ we don’t like, you’ll get shot,” Gunther said as he walked down the aisle, Winchester in hand. “Attemptin’ an escape? That’ll get you shot. Smugglin’ in contraband? That’ll get you shot.”

Gunther paused next to Smelly Jack, who felt a compelling need to ask, “What if I f$%k your mother?”

The deputy walked on, but not before introducing the butt of his rifle up against the side of Jack’s head. “Talkin’ out of turn? That’ll get you shot.”

The old timer joined the Knoxes at the front of the church, right next to the preacher’s pulpit.

“Boys,” Gunther said. “Really, when it comes right down to it, y’all should just assume that anything you might do or even think about doin’ will mostly likely get you shot. Any questions?”

Jeb Buchanan, Jack’s brother-cousin on his father’s side, raised his hand. “What if I…”

“It’ll get you shot,” Gunther said. No need to hear the question.

Unbeknownst to his underlings, Slade had returned from his appointment with Miss Bonnie and was watching through the front door. Convinced his men had the hoodlums under control, the Marshal took a seat in a rocking chair on the front porch. He shifted his hat over his eyes and settled down for the night.

A triumph over the Buchanan Boys. A rejection from Miss Bonnie. Though it’d been a long day, the rest he needed eluded him.

Something was off. He don’t know exactly what it was, but he just had a hunch. A fit of intuition. A feeling…like he was being watched.

“ARRR….ARRR….ARRRRRWHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!”

Slade jumped up and drew his weapon. He looked around. Nothing. He holstered his Colt and returned to his attempt at slumber.

“Damn coyotes,” he mumbled.

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#OscarsSoPretty – Snubbed Actor – John C. Reilly

John C. Reilly.  Damn, that guy looks like a caveman.  And do you know he was nominated for a Best Supporting Actor Oscar for the 2003 Academy Awards?

“OH BQB THEN THERE IS NO ANTI-UGLY BIAS, A GUY THAT LOOKS LIKE A CAVEMAN GOT A NOMINATION!”

Sure, he got a nomination, but only because he pulled off the exceptional hat trick of starring in not one, not two, but three of the movies that were nominated for best picture that year – Chicago, Gangs of New York, and The Hours.

The Academy was probably all like, “Well we better nominate this caveman looking bastard or else our pro-attractive person bias will be exposed when people start asking why a guy who starred in three of the best pictures of the year didn’t get nominated.”

Naturally, he didn’t win.  Chris Cooper won for his role as John LaRoche in Adaptation. 

WELL THERE YOU GO, BQB.  CHRIS COOPER IS SO UGLY.

I saw Adaptation a long time ago. I remember it was very funny and witty but other than that I don’t remember much else. I don’t remember if LaRoche was good or bad or what he did in the movie.

BUT generally speaking, Chris Cooper built his career on playing bad guys and Hollywood is always happy to cast ugly people as villains, thus perpetuating the stereotype that all ugly people are secretly villains and everyone should run away screaming and flailing their arms wildly in the air whenever they see an ugly person.

What I’d really like to see is an ugly person nominated for playing a really nice person, like a beloved father or mother figure, or a respected leader or an astronaut or something.

Ugly kids really need to be made to believe that they have options in life and that their only career options are to become the sassy assistant to a romantic comedy style woman with romantic problems or….dun dun dun…a super villain.

John C. Reilly.  He’s played bad guys.  He’s played good guys.  He’s played dumb guys.  John C. Reilly needs to win an Oscar so that modern day cavemen and cavewomen have a role model they can look up to…from their caves.

 

 

 

 

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