Tag Archives: academy awards

My Lamentations About the Academy Awards

This was a year where I had seen many of the movies nominated for best picture and to my surprise, I liked most of them.  They were hits that really drew the viewer in and overall were supremely watchable.  Movies like Ford vs. Ferrari, Knives Out, 1917, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood.

Naturally, the award went to Korean foreign language film Parasite and my first reaction was “Oh, yeah, the Academy always has to award the movie no one has seen” but I’m going to reserve judgment till I see it.  It was made by the same director who made Snowpiercer so it may very well be a great movie.  I will check it out and let you 3.5 readers know what I think.

I have to say, the guild is off the lily for the Oscars, at least it is for me anyway.  These shows got so “woke” that they can’t even have a host anymore.  No, literally no one wants the job.  Can you imagine that?  In an entertainment industry where performers are vying to be seen, no one wants to get that much airtime…because maybe you made some off the cuff remark ten years ago and it will all come back to haunt you thanks to social media.

I tuned in for a moment and Steve Martin and Chris Rock were joking about a lack of diversity about the Oscars.  There was a joke about how the actress who played Harriet Tubman hid black people so well that the Academy hired her to hide black people from the nominations.

Funny but also uh…why not just nominate her?  They made a joke about Eddie Murphy being hidden but again, why not nominate him?  I didn’t see Harriet so I can’t tell you if it’s a good movie or not.  I did see Dolemite and I thought that was a good movie with a lot of heart, basically a big underdog story about a man with an impossible dream, a washed up entertainer in his fifties, everyone telling him to give up on ever being in the movies but he puts all his money on the line and to make a movie and succeeds.

When I saw it I thought if Eddie was ever going to get an Oscar, it would be for this, but of course, Dolemite was also a comedy so we can’t have that.  Not at the Oscars ever.

I tuned out and tuned back in one more time to see Brad Pitt win for best supporting actor.  Maybe it’s just me but it bugged me that here’s this guy who has been acting for so many years, has been in some of the biggest movies ever in some of the greatest roles every yet he has never won an Oscar for acting.  And sadly, he felt the need to share part of his brief speech time to complain about John Bolton.  If he feels that Bolton should have testified, I suppose it’s his right to say it, but Bolton just comes across as a charlatan and huckster out there promoting himself, trying to promote his book.  To me, it felt like Brad crapped on his own long awaited acting award speech but if that’s what he wanted to do then that’s what he wanted to do.’

Ultimately, these awards are less about the movies and more about promoting Hollywood’s pet projects, though admittedly, they did have some decent movies in the running this year.

I also wondered if Avengers: Endgame shouldn’t have gotten a little recognition – the culmination of a decade long experiment where a studio was able to make all these movies that weaved together, where none of the actors had hissy fits and were all willing to share the spotlight.

End of rant.

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Is Comedy Dying? – Kevin Hart Out as Oscars Host

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

I weep for the future of comedy.

Several years ago, comedian Kevin Hart wrote a tweet, the gist of which was if he ever saw his son playing with his daughter’s doll house, he’d shout, “That’s gay!” and then break the doll house over the boy’s head.

My two cents?  Comedy is like gymnastics.  Imagine yourself as one of those tiny Russian gymnasts at the Olympics.  You could push yourself to leap in the air, do seven airborne backflips and land into a rolling somersault.  Maybe you’ll pull it off and get the gold and the accolades, or you might mess up a complicated move and end up with a broken foot.

Similarly, comedy can be hit or miss.  If you’re going to break taboos and push lines, the joke should be outstandingly funny, so humorous that it brings a begrudging smile to the face of even the most dour of school-marmish scolds.  Otherwise, the risk that you just end up looking like an asshat instead of a clever joke-smith is too great.

This joke was only so-so.  People need to grasp the context.  The joke isn’t on the son, it’s on the father.  Hart was making fun of his own sense of manliness, his own insecurities, his own insane fears that the slightest showing of a softer side can turn someone homosexual.

Imagine if this joke hadn’t been in a tweet but rather a sitcom.  Kevin is a typical dumb sitcom dad.  He comes home from work, sees his son playing with his daughter’s dollhouse.  Close up on a freaked out look on Kevin’s face.  Close up on Kevin as he looks off in the distance, imagining what this could lead to.  Cut to grown up son performing as a drag queen, accepting “Best Drag Queen of the Year Award,” and he says, “Thanks for the doll house, Dad!”

Cut to Kevin freaking out and like the Incredible Hulk, he smashes the house into a thousand pieces.  The daughter cries.  The son says, “Dad, what the hell, man?  I was pretending that doll house was Cobra Commander’s secret base and I was attacking it with my GI Joes!” (or whatever today’s equivalent toy is.)

Enter mom, livid that she has married such a buffoon.  Cut to Kevin staying up all night gluing all the pieces of the doll house back together.

I don’t know.  I get some of the backlash to the tweet.  It wasn’t the best joke and it comes across as mean spirited to gay people.  As a society, we’re trying to get parents to accept their kids as they are instead of trying to mold them into something they don’t want to or can’t be.

But at any rate, I think Kevin was just making fun of himself.

I’ve never thought Kevin was a great comedian or a terrible comedian.  He was somewhere in the middle.  He plugs along.  A ham and egger.  But one thing I give him credit for is he is one of the few comedians left who TRIES to be funny.  He tries to think up funny situations for his acts and movies and rarely delves into politics but rather is into the humor for humor’s sake.

Meanwhile, and look I don’t care if you love Trump or hate Trump, but mainstream comedy has basically gone from actual comedy to this oddball world of people just standing up, saying something to the effect of, “Orange man bad!” and then cue the canned audience laugh track.

On top of that, why is Kevin being singled out?  Alec Baldwin was arrested and he’s still on SNL. Jimmy Kimmel once appeared in blackface.  He was still allowed to host the Oscars.  Sarah Silverman once appeared in blackface.  She’s still allowed to do voices in Disney movies.  Overall, I’ve enjoyed Family Guy and have looked at Seth MacFarlane as an example of someone who made it in Hollywood by sticking to it and pushing himself, but there have been some times where I’ve watched that show and been like, “Wow, this is going way too far” and then I’d change the channel.  And he was allowed to host.

I don’t know.  Just seems like there should be one standard.  Why are we combing JUST through Kevin Hart’s past?  Either the rule is that anyone who hosts the Oscars must be as clean as a whistle, or some past transgressions are ok as long as they aren’t doing it now….but to hold Kevin Hart to one standard and others to another is lame.

Oh well.  Who cares?  No one watches the Oscars anyway.

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#OscarsSoPretty – Abe Vigoda In Memoriam Snub and Sly Was Robbed

First, they left Abe Vigoda off the “In Memoriam” reel.  You know, every year at the Oscars they play a clip reel of all the actors/actresses that died in the previous year.

And they forgot Abe Vigoda!

In their defense, Abe did look like he was dead for many years, but still, he actually did die recently.  The guy was in the Godfather and they forgot to add him to the reel.

Can’t help but notice Abe wasn’t very pretty.

Then there was the Stallone upset.

Sometimes the Academy will nominate an old timer for a role that wasn’t very Oscar worthy on its own but the actor is old and there’s a desire to honor him for a long career.

That is what it seemed like the Academy was doing by nominating Stallone for Creed.  The original Rocky won best picture but Stallone has never been honored before by the Academy.

So it made sense.  It seemed like a nice thing to do.  He was an action guy.  A popcorn movie guy.  But he gave us Rocky and Rambo.  So give him one.

Then they give it to Mark Rylance.  He’s a good actor and I don’t want to dump on him.  He did a good job with his Bridge of Spies role.

But to nominate Stallone then not give him the award was just basically sticking it to him.  They shouldn’t have nominated him if they weren’t going to give it to him.

Eh.  Stallone’s not that pretty.  Was he in his heyday?   I don’t know.  You tell me ladies.  Then again Rylance isn’t that pretty either.  He’s partially bald in fact so maybe I can’t pin this one on an Oscars So Pretty situation.

What say you, 3.5 readers?  Was Stallone robbed?  Was Abe dissed?

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Oscars 2016 Recap

Chris Rock defused the Oscars So White controversy with humor.

As an ugly person rights activist, I’m still waiting for an apology for the Oscars being So Pretty.

Big upset in the Best Supporting Actor category.  Thought Sly was going to win that for sure.

Best Picture – Spotlight.  Have not seen it yet.

Thoughts, 3.5 readers?

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#OscarsSoPretty

Just a reminder that I will not be watching the Oscars this year as once again the Academy has made it clear that the hideous are not welcome in Hollywood.

Notable snubs:

  • Steve Buscemi
  • Ron Perlman
  • John C. Reilly
  • Sandra Bernhard
  • Seth Rogen
  • Luis Guzman
  • Gary Busey

And the list goes on.

Ugly actors and actresses are tired of being typecast as hobgoblins, villains, trolls living under bridges, and the quirky friend that the leads in rom coms stand next to so they can look hotter.

We’re here.  We’re hideous.  Get used to it.  No longer will we shield our faces with the oppressive paper bags of society.  We will let our ugliness fly.

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#OscarsSoPretty – Snubbed Actor – Geoffrey Arend

Hey 3.5 readers.

Bookshelf Q. Battler here with continuing coverage of my one man campaign to get the Academy to welcome more ugly people into the fold.

I’ve been tweeting my support for various ugly actors who I feel have been passed over for Oscar consideration just because of their looks.  I’m not sure they appreciate it.  They probably think I’m calling them ugly like its a bad thing.  There’s nothing wrong with being ugly.  Embrace how God made you, I say.

Anyway, I had a brief Twitter conversation with Geoffrey Arend.

WHO?!

Yeah, when I started thinking of less than handsome thespians to tweet my support for, “That nerdy guy who is married to Christina Hendricks” came to mind but I couldn’t recall his name, even though he’s starred in a lot of stuff and you’d totally recognize him if you saw him.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not knocking the guy in any way whatsoever.  He’s been my hero forever on account of the fact that, let me repeat, a) even though he’s a nerd b) he married Christina Hendricks.

Christina Hendricks played super 1960’s hottie Joan on Mad Men for those readers who aren’t hip to the TV scene.

So, let me be clear, no one should take what Geoffrey says below as support for the #OscarsSoPretty movement, which to date, only really consists of me.  I don’t want to put words in the guy’s mouth or anything.

He’s a cool dude who was a good sport and traded funny, snarky comments with me.  Since this is a blog for nerds, I wanted to ask his advice on how nerds can romance and marry super hot chicks, but I figured that would probably be pressing my luck.

But all you lonely nerds out there, cheer up, for it is possible.  Just look to Geoffrey Arend for hope and inspiration.

Much appreciated, Mr. Arend.  Readers, you might remember this actor from Devil or Garden State. Currently, you can see him as Matt Mahoney on CBS’ Madam Secretary.

Personally, my favorite role of his was as that stoned kid who ate all the shrooms in Super Troopers.

 

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#OscarsSoPretty – Snubbed Actor – John C. Reilly

John C. Reilly.  Damn, that guy looks like a caveman.  And do you know he was nominated for a Best Supporting Actor Oscar for the 2003 Academy Awards?

“OH BQB THEN THERE IS NO ANTI-UGLY BIAS, A GUY THAT LOOKS LIKE A CAVEMAN GOT A NOMINATION!”

Sure, he got a nomination, but only because he pulled off the exceptional hat trick of starring in not one, not two, but three of the movies that were nominated for best picture that year – Chicago, Gangs of New York, and The Hours.

The Academy was probably all like, “Well we better nominate this caveman looking bastard or else our pro-attractive person bias will be exposed when people start asking why a guy who starred in three of the best pictures of the year didn’t get nominated.”

Naturally, he didn’t win.  Chris Cooper won for his role as John LaRoche in Adaptation. 

WELL THERE YOU GO, BQB.  CHRIS COOPER IS SO UGLY.

I saw Adaptation a long time ago. I remember it was very funny and witty but other than that I don’t remember much else. I don’t remember if LaRoche was good or bad or what he did in the movie.

BUT generally speaking, Chris Cooper built his career on playing bad guys and Hollywood is always happy to cast ugly people as villains, thus perpetuating the stereotype that all ugly people are secretly villains and everyone should run away screaming and flailing their arms wildly in the air whenever they see an ugly person.

What I’d really like to see is an ugly person nominated for playing a really nice person, like a beloved father or mother figure, or a respected leader or an astronaut or something.

Ugly kids really need to be made to believe that they have options in life and that their only career options are to become the sassy assistant to a romantic comedy style woman with romantic problems or….dun dun dun…a super villain.

John C. Reilly.  He’s played bad guys.  He’s played good guys.  He’s played dumb guys.  John C. Reilly needs to win an Oscar so that modern day cavemen and cavewomen have a role model they can look up to…from their caves.

 

 

 

 

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#OscarsSoPretty – Snubbed Actor – Abe Vigoda

Hello 3.5 readers.

Anti-ugly discrimination activist Bookshelf Q. Battler here, continuing to spread the polite of ugly people everywhere.

Case in point. Did you know that Abe Vigoda died this week at the age of 94? It was a shock because most people thought he already died in 1995 at the age of 156.

God bless him though.  He was funny, versatile, and he entertained many despite being so very, very ugly.

His big role was as elderly detective Phil Fish on Barney Miller.  But he did have a pretty decent part in The Godfather as well.

Yes, Abe spent most of his life looking like a zombie only to get too old to play one once the zombie craze broke out in Hollywood in the past decade.  Irony.

An old detective. An evil mafioso.  Why wasn’t Abe ever offered the spot of leading man in a romantic comedy?  Why? Just because he was so ugly that women wouldn’t have been into dreaming about being with him? Discrimination, I say.

Poor Abe.  Died this week so young at 94, so young, never had a chance to experience all that life has to offer, and worse, never got the Oscar recognition he so richly deserved.

If you can think of an ugly actor or actress denied Oscar recognition for far too long, leave your suggestion in the comments.

Be strong, my ugly brothers and sisters.  We’re here.  We’re ugly. Get used to it.

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#OscarsSoPretty – Why Are No Ugly People Nominated?

Hello 3.5 readers.

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BQB’s High School Yearbook Photo.  Ten takes and this was the best one.

Bookshelf Q. Battler, here to talk to you about a very sensitive subject.

By now you’ve heard of the “#OscarsSoWhite” controversy. For the second consecutive year, no non-white actors or actresses have been nominated for the entertainment industry’s most coveted prize.

As you’re all aware, I am a paragon of fairness, and while I’m loathe to throw stones, I’m pretty sure it is safe to assume, based on the criticism levied at this completely useless awards ceremony in which the mega rich and ultra glamorous pat one another on the back, that everyone in Hollywood has a klan robe hanging in their closet.

But I’m not here to talk about that issue.  This matter has already been widely reported and will be a part of the public dialogue for weeks to come leading up to the ceremony itself.

No, what I’m here to discuss is a question that’s loomed large on my mind my entire life but I’ve never had the courage to say anything about it until now:

WHY ARE THE OSCARS SO DAMN PRETTY?

There.  I said it and as an advocate for the ugly, it felt good.

The Academy assures us that it is taking steps to ensure that the Oscars will be more diverse in the future, an excellent move of course.  However, whether you’re black or white, asian or latino, or some other ethnicity, one thing is for certain:

IF YOU ARE AN UGLY PERSON, YOU’LL BE STRUCK BY LIGHTNING ON YOUR WAY TO CASH IN YOUR WINNING POWERBALL TICKET LONG BEFORE YOU GET NOMINATED.

Not convinced?  That’s ok.  You’re probably an attractive person. You suffer from “Attractive Person Privilege” and have thus lived your entire life oblivious to the plight of the ugly person.

You were always invited to parties.  Hell, people threw parties in the hopes that you’d attend.  People feel like their lives have been enriched if you simply walk past them.  If you get lost and take a wrong turn into a neighborhood you’re not familiar with, no one calls the cops on you to report that a damn C.H.U.D. is on the loose. You’ve never cried yourself to sleep after spending an evening researching the costs of various anti-uglification surgeries.

Yes, attractive person, you should definitely sign up for some ugly person sensitivity training, but in the meantime, just take a look at this year’s nominees and tell me that there isn’t a pro attractive person bias:

BEST ACTOR:  

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Jesus H. Christ look at this guy. It’s like when he was being made in Heaven’s people factory, God got up off his ass, walked down to the assembly line, and personally supervised the production process.  Leonardo literally cannot take two steps down the street without being slapped in the face with a vagina.  That’s how badly women want him.

In The Revenant, Leo plays a man who gets the shit mauled out of him by a damn fat ass bear and then has to drag his mortally wounded carcass across miles of unexplored territory but somehow, he still manages to cast a striking figure the entire time.

I can tell you I have to go through an entire morning routine just to upgrade myself to C.H.U.D status so if I were mauled by a damn bear I’d just end up too ugly to even walk out of the house.

(Millennials, C.H.U.D. stands for “Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller.” They were in a horror movie in the eighties.  They’re very ugly.  Not only would a C.H.U.D. never win an Academy Award, but you’d never want to swipe right on one if you saw it on Tinder.)

MATT DAMON 

Shit.  What a handsome son of a bitch.  He’s so good looking that every movie he is in, from Saving Private Ryan to The Martian, is about all the time, money, and effort entire teams of people are willing to expend just to get him back whenever he’s lost because that’s just how precious he is to everyone.

Do you know what The Martian would be like if I had been cast in the lead role? The entire movie would be one minute long and it’d be a bunch of dudes at NASA saying, “F$%K that I’m not going to put in overtime just to retrieve an ugly guy.  That ugly bastard can rot on Mars for all I care.”

Saving Private Ryan? Tom Hanks leads his men into enemy territory to rescue Matt Damon.

Saving Private Battler? Tom Hanks would let the Nazis keep me.

ANY QUESTIONS?

“BUT BQB, BRYAN CRANSTON WAS NOMINATED FOR TRUMBO AND HE’S NOT ALL THAT HANDSOME.”

No, but he’s not ugly either.  Believe it or not but it is possible to be in a gray area where you’re not a suave ass baller but you’re also not a C.H.U.D.

You can be just an average looking guy or gal and be considered for an Oscar.  It still isn’t as easy it is for attractive people.  You have to work extra hard, be in the business for years, take self-deprecating roles like Cranston did as the dumb Dad on Malcolm in the Middle.  If you do all that then maybe, just maybe, they’ll think about handing you a little gold statue if, but only if, you’re lucky enough to get cast in a role that you act the shit out of, like Cranston did in Breaking Bad.

Do all that and MAYBE JUST MAYBE you’ll get a nod as an average person.  Forget it if you’re a hideous mutant.

“BUT BQB, EDDIE REDMAYNE WON AN OSCAR LAST YEAR AND HE WAS NOMINATED AGAIN THIS YEAR.”

True, but here is the thing:

THERE’S A SMALL SUBSET OF UGLY PEOPLE WHO ARE UGLY IN JUST THE RIGHT WAY THAT IT MAKES THEM ADORABLE.

Eddie Redmayne is one of those people.  Benedict Cumberbatch is another.  There must be something in the water in England.  Come to think of it, the UK is the home of the pug.  Have you ever seen a pug?  You just want to smoosh their wittle faces don’t you?

If you’re a pug the Academy will look the other way.

We’ve talked about the men, but what about the women?

BEST ACTRESS:

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Holy Crap.  Look, I’m not trying to be inappropriate here, but that chick can catch any D she wants any day of the week and twice on Sunday.  Not saying she does. Just saying that she never, ever has to worry about being alone. If she ever feels alone, she can just put her head out her front door and shout, “I’m Jennifer Lawrence! Who wants to talk to me?” and then talk to the ten thousand men that show up.

This woman is so hot that she stars in a Young Adult movie series in which she can’t figure out which of the two dudes who wants her to pick. When was the last time you ever had a choice?  Before I met Video Game Rack Fighter, I don’t recall ever having any choices to make in my past dating life. If a woman was willing to acknowledge my existence after a first date, then I asked her out again.

Jennifer Lawrence is so hot that cyber criminals actually hacked her phone because that’s how badly they wanted to see pictures of her butt.  No one wants to look at pictures of my butt I’ll tell you.  You will be scarred for life from that sight.  If anything, hackers might hack my phone to install a program on it that prevents me from taking pictures of my butt.  Not that I was going to do that anyway but still.

CATE BLANCHETT

Cate Blanchett has been in the acting biz a long time.  She’s hot when she plays straight women. In Carol, she plays a lesbian.  Just throwing it out there, if I were a woman, I’d become a lesbian just to go out with Cate Blanchett.

ANY QUESTIONS?

“BUT BQB, CHARLOTTE RAMPLING WAS NOMINATED AND SHE’S SO OLD!”

Hold on to your hats, 3.5 readers, because I’m about to let you in on one of Hollywood’s biggest Oscar loopholes:

LOOKS FADE.  EVEN ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE KNOW THAT.  AND NOT EVERY ATTRACTIVE PERSON CAN WIN AN OSCAR EVERY YEAR. ERGO, IF YOU ARE AN ACTOR OR ACTRESS AND YOU GET OLD, YOU’LL BE CONSIDERED FOR AN OSCAR AS LONG AS YOU WERE SUPER HOT WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG.

Google some pictures of Charlotte Rampling in her heyday.  Again, not trying to be inappropriate, but Charlotte Rampling in her prime was a world class source of boner inspiration.

Same scenario for Jessica Tandy. When she was young, Jessica Tandy pitched more tents than Barnum and Bailey.  That’s why they were willing to give her an Oscar for Driving Miss Daisy when she was at the end of her life and looked like the Crypt Keeper.

(Millennials, the Crypt Keeper was this boney, scary voiced mummified guy who hosted a horror show on HBO.)

“BUT BQB, SHOULD YOU BE SAYING SUCH MEAN THINGS ABOUT UGLY PEOPLE?”

It’s ok.  I’m ugly.  They’re my people.  It’s our thing.  Behind closed doors, we go up to each other and say, “Yo, what up, my uggo?”

You can’t do that to an ugly person if you’re attractive.  That’s OUR thing.

“BUT BQB, I WATCH MOVIES ALL THE TIME AND I ALWAYS SEE UGLY CHARACTERS ON SCREEN.”

Oh sure. Ugly people aren’t completely banned from Hollywood.  But they are tired of being typecast as trolls, demons, monsters, psychotic murderers, homeless people, bloated corpses being investigated by attractive detectives who end up humping because they can’t keep their hands off each other because they’re so damn attractive, hobgoblins, villains, and of course, the sassy office assistant who tells the female lead of a romantic comedy, “Go get him, girlfriend!”

In the Academy’s defense here, this could be an issue that isn’t the movie industry’s fault.  Amidst the #OscarsSoWhite discussion, there is another discussion as to whether or not art imitates life and if so, then perhaps the issue is that Oscar winning movies are often about historical events and sadly, due to racism, many minorities have been kept from taking part in the activities that become fodder for Academy recognized films.

I feel like I speak for ugly people everywhere when I ask society to keep an open mind when it comes to hiring an ugly person.  Sure, you’d rather have a hottie to stare at in your office, but the ugly person will work harder because they know they have to and they might actually help you get shit done.

“NO REALLY, BQB, I HAVE SEEN MOVIES WHERE AN UGLY PERSON WAS THE MAIN CHARACTER!”

Again, we have to make a distinction between ugly characters and the attractive people hired to ugly themselves up with makeup and prosthetics to play them.

Yup.  That’s right.  Even when there’s a role that calls for an ugly person, Hollywood will not call on any one of the many ugly people who, against the advice of their friends and family, travelled to Hollywood in search of fame, ignoring all the cries of, “You’ll never make it!  You’re too ugly!”

Instead, they’ll just take an attractive person and apply some ugly makeup.

For instance, take the 2003 film, Monster, about the life of Aileen Wuornos, a very unattractive female serial killer.

Did Hollywood give an ugly actress her big break?  Nope. They just took inconceivably hot actress Charlize Theron and uglied her up.  Put a shitty hair wig on her, used makeup to add wrinkles and acne and blotches and so on.

And she won an Oscar!  And you know, she’s a great actress and all, but come on.  This chick wakes up every morning looking like a damn Disney princess.  If I were a blue jay I’d want to fly into her room and land on her arm just to listen to her sing and then do all of her housework for her.  That’s how hot she is.

Plenty of roles available for hot chicks.  Hollywood could have let an ugly chick have her fifteen minutes of fame to play an ugly serial killer.

Hollywood does this all the time, often with villains.  It’s like they just ugly up a good looking person and then wink at the audience and say, “Don’t worry folks!  There’s a really good looking person under this get up!  We’d never let an ugly person star in a movie!  Ha ha ha!”

What if a real life nerd defies the odds to achieve greatness?  Surely they’ll allow a nerd to play a nerd, right?

Wrong.  Steve Jobs was the ultimate king of the nerds.  Did they hire a nerd to play him?  Nope.  They just slapped a pair of glasses on Michael Fassbender.  Typical Hollywood.

If I may wax controversial for a moment, “black face” or when a white person applies black makeup and pretends to be black, is a highly offensive practice and rightly so.

As an ugly person, I don’t like it when attractive people walk around in “ugly face.”  That fake ugly face does not give the attractive person any insight into the suffering of the ugly.  Everyone knows attractive people in ugly face are still good looking under there.  They’re still getting invited to the party anyway.

WHAT ABOUT BEHIND THE SCENES OSCARS?

They don’t count.  We fully understand that Hollywood will allow you to work behind the scenes as a director, or a cinematographer or a writer even if you’re a total mutant.  My hat goes off to them.  In today’s economy, it is hard to get a job at McDonald’s if you’re an ugly person, so ugly people have really pulled off a hat trick if they’re allowed to do anything at all in the film industry.

But I’m talking about putting more ugly people on screen so that the nation’s vast supply of ugly people will learn to love themselves, ugliness and all.

WHAT ABOUT DEMOGRAPHICS?

According to the Fake Institute for Bogus Statistics, attractive people make up a mere twenty-percent of all movie going audiences.

That’s because attractive people have so many better options for a Saturday night.  When surveyed, attractive couples stated that instead of watching a movie, they’d rather go sky diving, or white water rafting, or skinny dipping, or go for a frolic in a field of daisies without a care in the world, or lie on a beach and make love with one another, completely oblivious to the waves crashing all around them, or travel to a third world nation and take a selfie with a starving child so they can slap it up on Facebook and pretend that they care, or attend any of the millions upon millions of parties they are invited to or have thrown in their honor per year.

Good looking people just do not have time for movies unless they’re starring in them.

Ugly people make up the remaining 80 percent.  When surveyed as to why they enjoy movies so much, they said that they prefer to remain in the dark like the C.H.U.D.s that they are, that movies provide a form of escapism that helps them forget about the horrible lives they live as ugly people, that romance films, in particular, allow them to fantasize about what it would be like to be in a relationship because God knows no one is asking them out on a date because they’re too ugly, and finally, they have a lot of free time to spend at the movies because they’re so ugly that no one wants to make love to them in the crashing waves of a sandy beach or frolic through a field of daisies with them.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Yes and no.  First, yes, I get Hollywood’s side.  They’re in a visual business. They sell escapism.  I go to movies to escape from the low level of life my ugliness causes me.  I go to movies so I can pretend to be one of the attractive people on screen.  I don’t want to pretend to be ugly because I already am.

Yup.  Little known secret.  Even ugly people discriminate against ugly people.  Most ugly people have convinced themselves their transformation into an attractive person is just around the corner so they better not associate with ugly people and hold out for all the attractive people coming their way once they deuglify themselves.  So many ugly people waste their time home alone when they could be together, enjoying one another’s ugly company.

 

Ugly people must stand up and inform the public about this outrage in a productive manner.  They can’t rely on the news media to do it for them.  Have you watched the news lately?  Every anchorman looks like a perfect haired, square jawed, straight teeth having Mitt Romney looking bastard and every reporter is a Hot Ass Blonde Chick like the one who, to her credit, saved my life during last year’s East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse.

The attractive people in the news media either don’t understand or don’t care about the plight of the ugly.

IS ATTRACTIVE PRIVILEGE REAL?

Yes, and not just in Hollywood but everywhere.  Attractive people have no clue how many doors to the good life magically open up for them just because they’re easy on the eyes.

Attractive people can ask someone out on a date and instantly get a yes, not a “I think I have to wash my hair that night” or “I have to take my cat to the podiatrist” or even worse, “I’ll get back to you” and then they don’t get back to you.

Do you know what attractive men reported as the number one source of their injuries last year?  Broken ribs caused by throngs of hot women throwing themselves at them.

Do you know what ugly men reported as the number one source of their injuries last year?  Pepper spray blasts to the face from attractive women they just said hello to.

Do you know what attractive women reported as the number one source of their injuries last year?  “Selfie Finger.”  Searing finger pained caused by taking too many selfies because they know they’re hot and they’re addicted to all the likes they get for their duck faced photos on social media.

Do you know what ugly women reported as the number one source of their injuries last year? Suffocation under enormous piles of cats.  So very many cats.

Attractive privilege is even prevalent in the workplace.  An ugly person could write a report on how the company’s product, if arranged in a certain way, could be used as a cure for cancer, saving countless lives and earning the company trillions and still get chewed out for interrupting the meeting with his/her ugly face.

Meanwhile, attractive people can just show up late, openly admit they didn’t do shit on the big project, and still get promoted.  The boss will say something to the effect of, “You’re such a straight shooter, attractive person!  I like it!  Lunch is on me!”

Note all this information comes from the Fake Institute for Bogus Statistics.

FINAL THOUGHTS

The vast majority of movie fans are ugly C.H.U.D.s who immerse themselves in film because their lives suck due to their atrocious appearances.

Yet, most unfairly, ugly people of all ethnicities and backgrounds are consistently denied Oscar consideration.

This February, little ugly children will tune into the Oscars and not see anyone who looks as ugly as they are, leaving them with the message that they aren’t welcome in Hollywood.

And sure, you might say, that’s good that they get that message early and get the idea of fame out of their heads so they can grow up and use all the time they aren’t spending on dates that no one wants to go with them on, on studying hard to become doctors, lawyers, scientists, professionals, heads of state and so on.

But, that would be missing the point.  Ugly people can’t help their ugliness. It isn’t their fault that God spent a little extra time baking some people, and took others out of the oven a little too early.

#OscarsSoPretty is an actually thing.  I didn’t make it up.  Ugly people have taken to Twitter to make their voices heard, mostly because they have nothing better to do since no one is asking them out on a date.

Ugly lives matter.  Attractive privilege is real.  End ugly discrimination and nominate a genuine, bonafide ugly person in 2017.

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BQB’s Oscar 2016 Predictions

BEST ACTOR

NOMINEES:

Bryan Cranston – Trumbo

Leonardo DiCaprio – The Revenant

Matt Damon – The Martian

Michael Fassbender – Steve Jobs

Eddie Redmayne – The Danish Girl

WHO WILL WIN: Leonardo DiCaprio for The Revenant

WHO SHOULD WIN: Leonard DiCaprio.  He’s young and still has plenty of time to win an Oscar ahead of him, but he also started his career young and has been working on Oscar worthy pictures for what seems like forever now.

Bryan Cranston is great and his Breaking Bad shot to super stardom late in life is a great Little Engine That Could story.  We all feel time’s hand on our shoulders, reminding us that we’re not here forever and if there’s something we want to do, we’d better do it.  Thus, we love Cranston because he reminds us its still always possible.  BUT – no one saw Trumbo.

Matt Damon was great but he’s already got an Oscar.  Even if its for screenwriting and he’d like one for acting, precedence should go to the guy who doesn’t have one yet, i.e. Leo.

Michael Fassbender – He’s great.  I didn’t see Steve Jobs but…how many Steve Jobs movies   have there been now?  He’ll have his chance.

Eddie Redmayne – I didn’t see the Danish Girl but…he won last year.

BEST ACTRESS 

I’m going to skip this one because I didn’t see any of the movies they were nominated for. I’ll just go with fan favorite Jennifer Lawrence for Joy until I get around to seeing the others’ movies.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Christian Bale – The Big Short

Mark Rylance – The Bridge of Spies

Tom Hardy – The Revenant

Sylvester Stallone – Creed

Mark Ruffalo – Spotlight

WHO WILL WIN AND WHO SHOULD WIN – Sylvester Stallone for Creed. He’s 70 years old. His Rocky movies have been fan favorites since the 1970’s, entertaining one generation after the next.  They’re all pretty much have the same message – life’s attempts to knock you down are unavoidable.  It’s not about whether or not you’ll get knocked down because you will.  It’s about whether you get up and keep going or lie down for the count that matters.

The original Rocky won best picture and Stallone’s been big in the movie business for years, though mostly as an action hero and we all know what the Academy thinks about action.  Its now or never and the Academy will reward him here.

Plus, I’ve seen Creed and given Rocky’s still the same old Rocky as always, its still not a bad movie.

ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

Totally not intentional, but I don’t know much about the movies and/or performances by the supporting actresses either.

I’m going to root for Jennifer Jason Leigh for Hateful Eight as we haven’t seen her in anything for awhile, but she was great back in the day.  I want to see Hateful Eight but haven’t gotten around to it.  She looks great in the previews though.

BEST ANIMATED FILM

I’ll go with Inside Out because I didn’t see the others and it was good.  Did anyone see Peanuts?  Was it any good? I’m surprised that one didn’t get a nomination.

BEST DIRECTOR

I’m going to go with George Miller for Mad Max: Fury Road.  His original Mad Max films are sci-fi classics and he pretty much invented the post-apocalyptic genre.  All these movies and TV shows about people wandering around in drab, post-society wastelands are thanks to him.  (Or, maybe thanks for giving us depression about the future, as the case may be.)

Plus, it couldn’t have been easy directing all those people in leather speedos jumping around willy nilly.

Which brings me to…

BEST PICTURE

NOMINEES

The Big Short – Haven’t seen it.

Bridge of Spies – Saw it.

Brooklyn – Haven’t seen it.

Mad Max: Fury Road – Saw it.

The Martian – Saw it.

The Revenant – Saw it.

Room – Haven’t seen it.

Spotlight – Haven’t seen it.

WHICH MOVIE WILL WIN – The smart money seems to be on Spotlight, a film about the Boston Globe investigative journalism team that uncovered child abuse allegations in the Boston area Catholic Church, which had major ramifications worldwide.  Critics seem to like it and it casts light on how journalists are the last resort to protect the public when government and social institutions fail.

If the Revenant won, I would not be surprised.  I liked it and it did have the feel of an Oscar winner.

WHICH MOVIE SHOULD WIN – Mad Max, Mad Max, and Mad Max.  I went into it thinking, “Oh boy, Hollywood’s cashing in on a remake of an old movie yet again.”  But it was so much more than that.  Messages about the future, how people interact with one another, mans’ primal instincts, women standing up for themselves (it’s called Mad Max but he’s pretty much Furiosa’s sidekick in this movie).

Great writing in that the story is told in many parts where no words are even spoken.  Amazing action, stunningly awesome special effects – a really great visually pleasing movie that overcomes a drab desert landscape.

But it won’t win.  It won’t win because the Oscars have always been to boost movies that Hollywood makes to get a message across or discuss a difficult subject.  Spotlight might be great but more people lined up on Saturday nights in December to watch lightsabers get swung around in Star Wars.  Not as many people lined up to watch actors pretend to be journalists in the middle of discussions as to how expose priests for wrongdoing.  (Not that that wasn’t important, but if we’re talking about what entertains people on a Saturday night…)

In other words, big blockbuster movies already got their reward in the form of a payday.  Lesser known but important message movies need the nominations and awards to get publicity so more people will see them and the studios make their money back so they can keep making less popular important message films.

That, and its action.  And sci-fi.  Action movies and sci-fi movies don’t get Oscars.  At least not for best picture.  They’ll never let something so comic book-ish win.  They’ll worry it will open the floodgates for every damn Avengers movie to sweep the Oscars in the future.  They can’t have that.

I could see some of these other movies and change my mind but IMO, of the ones I saw, Mad Max was the best, and not just on action but in story as well.

The Martian was also great.  If that won, I wouldn’t mind but hey, it was nominated.

Let that be an inspiration for you, 3.5 self publishing readers.

 

 

 

 

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