Noted Ugly Rights Advocate Bookshelf Q. Battler
Beauty. They say it’s in the eye of the beholder but the eyes of the world will never behold the sight of an ugly man up on the big screen. Buck tooth, speak the truth, bad skin, let them in, warts, schmorts, boils, schmoils, you’ve got a zit, who gives a shit?
Oh, I’m tired 3.5 readers. I’m tired, tired, tired I say I am tired of the chains of oppression that have been cast upon my aesthetically challenged brothers and sisters. Go tell it on the mountain for Jesus Christ is born and Jesus said unto all of us that he loves the little children, all the little children of the world, black and yellow, red or white, all are beautiful in his sight and he also thinks you’re beautiful if you’re ugly.
We didn’t choose to look like Plymouth Rock landed on our faces. We were born looking like it landed on us! We were just born that way. Consult with Lady Gaga and she’ll tell you that we were born this way-ay, we were born this way-ay, we are on the right track baby and we were born this way-ay.
In a perfect world, the ugly man and the handsome man should be friends, neighbors, brothers. But alas, this world is far, so very far from perfect and therefore, that vile demon known as anti-ugly prejudice rears its ugly head from time to time, looking to take a bite out of the hides of anyone looking to walk down the righteous path to a glorious future where the ugly and the pretty walk hand in hand on the road to tomorrow.
The statistics don’t lie, folks. Praise be to the statisticians for they do not lie. According to the Fake Institute for Bogus Research, 99.999% of all ugly people will experience some type of anti-ugly discrimination within their lifetime. The other .001% were too ugly to be given the reporting form. They tried to get one and the person handing out the form was all like, “Go away! You’re too damn ugly!”
An ugly man can’t hail a cab because the cab drivers think the ugly man is some kind of hideous mutant. An ugly man can’t get a job because the boss only wants to stare at pretty people all day. An ugly man can’t rent an apartment because the landlord doesn’t want an ugly man living in his building, uglying up the place. An ugly man can’t get served at a restaurant because none of the waitresses want to look at his ugly ass. An ugly man can’t get a date because he’s just too damn ugly.
Did you know that the top one percent of the most handsome men in the world are pulling down 100% of the most beautiful babes? That’s babe distributive inequality. We need to convert to a communistic system whereby we redistribute the babes so that the ugly man gets a chance.
By the way, ugly sisters, know that by “ugly man” I incorporate you into this speech and besides, it’s technically accurate because you all look like men anyway.
But enough about the daily struggles of the ugly man. Let’s talk about that bastion of anti-ugly discrimination known as the Academy Awards.
Say it loud. Say it proud. The Oscars are too damn pretty. Let me hear you say it. Oh Lord, have mercy on all those pretty people for they know not what they do to the ugly. The Oscars are too damn pretty. Can you hear me Lord? Can you hear this ugly man all the way down here hiding in his ugly cave? Can you hear me all the way up there in heaven on your white, fluffy cloud? Lord, I say it now and I’ll say it again. The Oscars are too damn pretty. #OscarsSoPretty
Praise be to Jesus. Now there was a swarthy, handsome ass man but he never turned his nose up to an ugly member of his flock. No sir. You think Jesus looked the other way when the lepers came a-calling? Was Jesus like, “No, I can’t help you ugly ass lepers?” No. Jesus washed the ugly ass feet of those ugly ass lepers. That’s what he did.
And my friends, if Jesus, the sexiest savior ever, was able to turn the other cheek and wash the greasy, grimy, fungus encrusted feet of those ugly lepers, then surely, I say surely, those beautiful people in Hollywood should be able to throw some Oscar love the way of our ugly brother, Mr. Michael Shannon, for his turn as a crazy cop in Nocturnal Animals.
Yes, my hideous brothers and sisters, I dream of a day when an ugly actor is hired to play a pillar of the community but for now an ugly actor playing a crazy person will have to do. That is our lot in life. People see how ugly we are and they don’t assume that we just dipped our toe into the bad side of the gene pool. No, they see our ugliness and they assume we are bad people due to how ugly we are, never taking a look as to how pretty we are on the inside.
Can I get an Amen? Can I get a Hallelujah? Can I get a garden salad, hold the dressing because Lord knows that fat is considered ugly and I wouldn’t want to offend the pretty people who have, for far too long run the world.
Pretty privilege is real, folks. Pretty privilege is real. If you are pretty, you have talent managers tripping over each other to give you a multi-million dollar movie deal. If you are ugly, the best you can hope for is that a fast food joint will hire you to sit in the back and put together the happy meals but only if you put a bag over your face and promise not to scare the children like the bridge troll you are.
Hear us, Academy! Hear us, and hear us well. There are so many ugly people in the world. People who look like they got beaten with every inch of the ugly stick. People who look like God took them out of the oven early, when there was still five minutes of baking left, and now they’re all gross and dumpy and lumpy and yet you know they still taste just as good as a fresh batch.
These ugly people are tired of going to the movies by themselves because no one will go with them on a date and seeing no one as ugly as they are on the screen. Sure, maybe once in a blue moon, an ugly person will be given a part, but that part is usually based on a stereotypical view of an ugly person.
Ugly actors, those brave souls who ventured off to Hollywood in pursuit of an acting career, ignoring the advice of friends and family who told them they were too ugly to act, deserve better parts than, “mugger number five” or “homicidal madman pervert number four” or “bridge troll that kidnaps the princess and tries to eat her before he is saved by the prince.”
We want more ugly actors and actresses on the big screen and we want to see them playing big, beautiful, respectable parts. We want to know that we are loved by Hollywood despite our wretched ugliness. Most importantly, we want all the little ugly children of the world to be able to turn on the Oscars, see an ugly actor/actress take home a statue and say, “If that ugly person can make it, then an ugly little kid like me can make it too.”
Ugly brothers and sisters, cast off the paper bags that society has put over our ugly heads for far too long. Shout it loud and proud, “We’re here. We’re ugly. Get used to it.”
In conclusion, #OscarsSoPretty. Thank you for listening, my fellow ugly Americans, and now, please, put your paper bags back on because you’re all too ugly for me and I’m super duper double triple quadruple strength ugly.
Godspeed, Brother Shannon. Oh how I will weep tears of everlasting joy upon seeing your ugly face on the screen with an Oscar in your hand. Only then will I know that the cause of the put upon ugly man has been taken seriously by the pretty masses in our ugly lifetime.