Dear 3.5 Readers,
Divorce is never easy, especially when you’re BQB and you learn that you were married due to a legal technicality. Divorce is especially difficult on the children, or in your case, the readers.
I know all 3.5 of you must feel some sort of loyalty to BQB but don’t, for he is an epic douche who peed on the toilet seat one too many times without dropping to his knees to apologize and beg for mercy, and he now he must suffer for the rest of his life as penance. Really, it’s only fair.
I mean, I regularly took time away from my passion of playing Car Thief Mayhem to help BQB run his stupid blog, his stupid BQB HQ, and to even walk Bookshelf Q. Battledog and the Yeti. So when you think about it, I really deserve to take everything and BQB deserves to live in a seedy motel for the rest of his days with Leo McKoy.
I feel like I was pretty generous in the settlement negotiation process. Not only did I let Attorney Donnelly talk me into not calling for BQB’s genitals to be slammed in a steel door for the rest of his life, but I also let BQB retain custody of the Yeti. So really, when you think about it, I’m the good guy here.
Things are finally going to be run differently around here. I don’t know what exactly inspired me to cast BQB into a life of misery so I could fully recognize my full womanly potential. I’m not going to lie though, I felt motivated as soon as I watched Ashley Judd give her deranged poem on the National Mall.
As Ashley ranted and raved about the blood stains on her bedsheets that weren’t her choice, I found myself shouting at the TV, “Yes! Yes! I don’t need a man! Bookshelf Q. Battler is the source of all my problems!”
Listen, don’t worry. This blog has been missing a woman’s touch for far too long. It will still be totally awesome. Don’t listen to all that nonsense BQB spouted that under my watch, this blog will turn into a collection of daisy photos and vagina poems.
In conclusion, please enjoy this photo of a daisy…
…and also this original poem I wrote about my vagina.
An Ode to My Vagina
An Original Poem By New Bookshelf Battle Blog Proprietor, Video Game Rack Fighter, May BQB Never Sully This Website With His Inability to Put Urine Into the Toilet Ever Again
Vagina! Whoa, my vagina!
Giver of life and of mirth.
Is it the source of my inner-self?
Should it be the sum total of my self-worth?
Colin Firth. Bridget Jones could do so much better.
Won’t someone write my vagina an appreciative letter?
Eddie Vedder. Lead singer of Pearl Jam and to him
And any other man after my vagina I say, “Scram!”
Isn’t that the plan? A world conquered by vaginas!
An end to rule by man. Oh, vagina!
Sing me a song!
Give me respite from the days that are so long.
Dong! Destroy anyone who has one.
And when that happens, my vagina will have won.