Daily Archives: February 3, 2017

Daily Discussion with BQB – How to Make Up After a Fight

Sad times at BQB HQ, 3.5.

Video Game Rack Fighter and I just had a big fight.  Terrible.  Awful.  I heard new swear words I had to look up in a dictionary.

I mean, I don’t want to cast blame but it was totally her fault.  I think it is ok to say that in a blog post because only 3.5 people read this blog.

Any ideas on how to make up with a woman who is mad at you?  Until then, I guess I’m sleeping in the Bookshelf Battle Basement with Bookshelf Q. Battledog and the Yeti.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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BQB’s Glasses Dilemma

Hey 3.5.

Your old pal BQB here.

So, I hate when bloggers talk about their personal problems on their blogs.  The readers came from entertainment and insightful conversation and…

3.5 READERS: We come for not of that BQB.  We have literally gotten none of that here.

Oh ok then.

So here’s the deal, and I figure since you are all nerds, you too have had problems with glasses:

  • About midway through last year, maybe 6 months ago, I started noticing that when I sit a certain distance away from a computer monitor, I had trouble seeing it.  It didn’t look in focus.  Now, to explain, well I don’t want to say my life story, but once a week I find myself at one desk in particular.  It’s kind of large.  The computer is positioned kind of far away, yet not so far away that it should be a problem.  It worried me but I never experienced the problem anywhere else so I didn’t worry about it and when I’m at that particular desk (I’m only at this desk once a week so it didn’t seem like a big deal) I just scooch myself closer.  Still, when I’m on a desktop, I’ve always prefer to lean back in my chair like a fat, bloated lounge lizard and I used to be able to do that with no problem but now I have to sit up and lean in to see the screen.
  • I’ve been going to the same optometrist since childhood, literally the same man who gave me my first set of glasses as a little boy nerd.  So, since I’m no spring chicken myself, you can imagine this guy is an old timer.
  • I always stuck with the guy because I never really cared for places like Pearl Vision or Lens Crafters or shit like that because I never really liked the idea of turning health issues into a franchise.  I’ll go to a franchise for pizza, chicken and burgers, but I wouldn’t go to a franchise for assistance with any of my body parts so why go to one for my eyes?
  • Well anyway, long story short, one of those franchises opened in town and I’m not sure what happened but my long serving optometrist closed his office and went to work for those corporate franchise bastards.  I don’t want to cast aspersions.  He seemed happy enough.
  • So, I tend to let eye appointments go a long time.  I know you should go once a year but if I’m not having any problems I tend to let it go a long time.  Last time I went in was 2013 and the old timer still had his office.  So, give or take some months, its been three and some change years.
  • I also don’t like going because I don’t like the idea that my prescription might change.  Since childhood, it has always amazed, and frightened me, that there are all sorts of precision tests (X-rays, lab work, procedures) to help a doctor determine what is wrong with certain parts of your body, yet all of optometry revolves around the optometrist putting a damn metal mask that contains like a zillion lenses inside and then he starts flipping them and going, “1 or 2, 1 or 2, 1 or 2…” Shit, I don’t know!
  • Literally, most of the time I can’t tell a difference between “1 or 2.”  So I hate to go to appointments because I fear he’ll up my prescription to the point where he’ll have me wearing a pair of goddamn hubble telescope fucking Mr. Magoo like glasses on my face.  My glasses are pretty thin and I’d like to keep it that way.  I’m sorry, but it’s hard enough to get chicks with thin glasses and its virtually impossible to get it with coke bottle glasses.
  • So, it having been a long time and it worrying me about my screen issue, I finally bit the bullet and followed the old timer to his new home in the evil franchise.
  • He does the “1 or 2” bullshit with me.  I don’t blame him.  I’m sure at optometry school there is a giant room with a thousand aspiring eye doctors who sit in front of a thousand mannequins with their faces stuffed into eye glass machines and they spend all day peppering the mannequins with, “1 or 2, 1 or 2…”
  • If I can’t tell a legit difference or even if its close, I always say, “same.”  Again, I don’t want to go up if I don’t have to.  If there’s like a real, “Holy shit that’s so much better” moment then OK, I won’t deny myself the comfort but I’ve never had it.  It’s just always “1 or 2” and they both look close so I just go with same.
  • This time I let the dude kind of bully me.  On one try, he kept going 1 or 2 and I kept saying same and then eventually he was like, “Come on you must be able to see a difference” so I caved and picked one and shit, he upped one lense just a bit.  The other stayed the same.
  • I didn’t contest it.  I’d had the problem with the screen so I figured maybe I was having a problem.  Maybe an adjustment would help.
  • OK here’s where it gets interesting.  I let his eyeglass saleswoman talk me into getting anti-glare coating on my glasses.  I usually never let sales people talk me into add ons.  When I buy a car, I tell the salesman trying to sell me undercarriage wax to go pound sand.  When I buy a video game, I tell the cashier trying to sell me scratch protection for the game disk to shove it where the sun don’t shine.  But here, I thought I was in a medical establishment.  Anti-glare?  Yes.  Shield my eyes from UV rays.  A small price to pay for eye protection.
  • I’ve had these new specs close to 2 weeks.  For the first week, I didn’t notice a problem.  Then starting Monday, I noticed I’m having the problem of not being able to see computer screens clearly…on every screen.  Lap top.  All other desk tops, not just the one I had the problem with once a week.
  • I wondered if it was the anti-glare coating.  Computer screens give off light, maybe that doesn’t sit well with the anti glare.  But then I put on my old glasses and I didn’t notice a difference.  I still had a problem staring at screens.  Yes, I also have a problem staring at my cell phone.
  • So I don’t know what to do.  Let’s review:

A)  I should go in and since I’ve got a month to change the glasses with no extra charge, tell them the anti-glare coat smokes pole and that I’d like a new pair without the glare.  I have talked to a few nerds who have gone to the same store and they too tell me they hated the anti glare.

B)  But if I experienced the problem with the old glasses, this is likely a sign of some bigger problem with my eyes that the anti glare removal may not fix.  Perhaps I should see the doctor and ask him to test me again.  I did mention the screen issue when I saw him and he said ok and proceeded to test me and that’s all that came of it at the time.

C) If I ask him to test me again, I’m not sure what he’d find since it has only been two weeks.  I’ll feel like an asshole explaining this to him.  I’ll go through the same test.  Most likely it will have the same result.  I’ll go through a bunch of shit and get rid of the anti glare glasses for regular glasses and I’ll still have screen problems.

D)  There’s literally a part of me that wants to lie and go in with a story about a hobo who punched me in the face on a subway and my eyes haven’t felt right since just so I have a better story as to why I want him to look at my eyes again after seeing him 2 weeks ago.

E)  On top of that, I have been

Advise me, 3.5 readers.  What should I do?

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Top Ten Pieces of Investment Advice

golden-3d-dollar-sign

Ahh, money.  It makes the world go round, doesn’t it?  You know they say money can’t buy love, but if you ask me, those losers have never tried it.

Love it or hate it, you’ve got to have a base line amount of it to make a go of it in this world.

Stocks?  Schmocks.  Savings?  Schmavings.  There are plenty of investment advice blogs out there, written by, you know, people with investment credentials and shit.

My advice will get you absolutely nowhere fast and my lawyer urges that you not follow it at all.

Stupid lawyers.  Always the buzzkill.

Anyway, from BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, MA, here are BQB’s Top Ten Pieces of Investment Advice:

#10 – Buried Treasure

Withdraw your cash, stick it in a tin box, wrap it in plastic wrap and bury it in the backyard.  If the worms, gophers and weather don’t destroy it, you’ll have a fun time digging the shit out of your yard when you do actually need it.  Don’t forget to draw yourself a map that you won’t understand in the future and/or will most likely lose anyway.

#9 – Electronics

Stock up on cell phones, computers, etc.  They aren’t making any more of that shit.  It’s not like they aren’t coming out with a new updated version of your phone every three months.  Oh, wait.  They are?  Sorry.  You are the owner of a crate full of useless phones now.

#8 – Gold!

That crusty old bastard William Devane is always telling me to buy gold in those TV commercials and damn it, if you can’t trust a man who played the president in a season of 24 as well as The Dark Knight Rises then who can you trust?  Eh, in theory, and I’m totally spouting shit out of my ass here, a little bit of gold in your safe might not be a terrible idea.  I’m sure super rich actors, celebrities and politicians all have a bunch of frigging gold bars stored somewhere in case the economy collapses and chaos reigns supreme.  My gut tells me not to buy more than I can afford to lose though because, you know, there are thieves about and I have so much to do that I don’t have enough time to sit around BQB HQ with a shotgun just to ward off gold thieves.

#7 – Pez

I believe Nerdstradamus when he says that Pez will be the currency of the future.  Buy up all the little candy bricks and cartoon dispensers you can so you can be rich as all get out in the future.

#6 – Time Shares

It’s a home that you own for a week a year!  What could possibly go wrong?

#5 – Join a Tontine

It’s simple.  You and your friends put all of your money in a big concrete box and bury it or hide it somewhere.  Then, you all live your lives and the last one who dies gets the money.  Just, you know, don’t be a dick and kill all your friends.  And don’t join up with friends who are dicks.  You know what? Just don’t do this.

#4 – IOUs

Every time you buy something extravagant that you don’t really need, write an IOU to your future self.  Don’t worry.  You’re good for it.

(SPOILER ALERT:  You’re not good for it).

#3 – Loan Sharking

The good news?  You can “help” people by lending them money with usurious, ridiculously high interest rates attached.

The bad news?  A) It’s illegal and B) You’re going to have to break some legs.  You don’t want to break legs.  You’re too nice and also it makes a terrible mess.  My lawyer and I don’t advise you to do this at all.

#2 – Farts in Jars

In the future, man will evolve into a butt-less species.  Thus, you should shoot every toot into a jar and store those jars in your basement so that one day, when a butt-less society becomes nostalgic for fart smells, you can clean up.

Note that if this does not happen before you grow old and die, the grandchildren you leave behind to clean up your house will think you were insane.

#1 – Wise, Prudent, Solid and Cautions Savings and Investing Plans

Invest wisely in solid, reputable mutual funds, savings accounts, IRAs and so on.  Seek the advice of competent investment professionals.

I mean, you could do all that shit but will that be as fun as going on a treasure hunt and/or farting in jars?  I think not.

REPEAT:  My lawyer and I urge you to not waste your money doing any of the horrible things mentioned in this ridiculous blog post.  Really, you should be ashamed of yourself for even reading it.

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