Ahh, the face hole – the best and the worst of human body cavities. It lets us talk and eat, but at times, it can also smell like a butt, aka the worst of body cavities.
Does your breath stink? I’m not a dentist but I play one on this blog. From BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Reasons Why Your Breath Stinks:
#10 – Throat Gremlins
Sad, but true, tiny creatures have been known to set up shop in a human throat and party hearty. Soon, they start to stink and that stink comes out of your pie hole. Ten out of ten scientists who attended science school in Barbados will agree with me on this.
#9 – Demonic Possession
It happens. You’re taking a nap, minding you business and without realizing it, a damn demon has set up shop in your body. It makes you scream, swear, belch, fart, projectile vomit on everyone, it’s a whole mess. Even worse, they make your breath stink. Consult your local Catholic priest for assistance.
#8 – A Small Animal Crawled Into Your Mouth and Died
People often say, “Yeesh! What crawled into your mouth and died?” to a person with stank breath. Little do these people know that this often happens. Mice, rats, bats, porcupines, armadillos, frogs, lizards. It doesn’t even have to me a small animal. I knew a dude who once fell asleep and a damn emu crawled into his mouth and bought the farm. Always post signs around your sleeping area to notify animals on their last legs to go find another mouth to crawl into and die in because yours is off limits.
#7 – Oniony, Garlicky Foods
Truly, a Sophie’s choice. Do I want to eat something delicious or do I want to avoid stink breath? Eh, just be honest. If you look like a butt, then you might as well eat something delicious and smell like a butt. Having minty fresh breath won’t make you look less like a butt.
#6 – Butt Pranks
If you’re a member of a frat, chances are one of your frat brothers has placed a butt on your face while you are sleeping. Remember, always lock your door and wear a catcher’s mask while sleeping to avoid butt pranks. We here at the Bookshelf Battle Blog do not condone butt pranks or any other type of inappropriate butt related behavior of a butt like nature.
#5 – You Licked the Toilet Seat Again, Didn’t You?
How many times must I tell you to stop doing that? Bad reader. Bad, bad! Get some help.
#4 – You Don’t Brush
There’s no magic cure for weight loss or to fix a variety of health problems, but sticking that brush in your face hole and wiggling it around for a while a few times a day can do wonders for your tooth health. Take advantage of one of the few things that people can do to improve there lives that actually works.
#3 – You Don’t Floss
Your job isn’t done after brushing. Brushing doesn’t get all the shit left between your teeth. One time I didn’t floss my teeth for an entire year and learned that in the interim, the mob had started using the spaces between my choppers as a dumping ground for whacked snitches. When I finally began flossing again, each time I’d stick the floss between my teeth and boom! Hey, it’s Vinny Boombotz! :::Floss::: Hey! It’s Mickey the Squirrel! :::Floss::: Oh my God, it’s Sal the Tuna!
#2 – You Don’t Use Mouth Wash
Brush, floss, then finish up the trifecta. Get mouthwash. The stronger the better. I prefer Listerine. Don’t just do one swish and spit it out. Let it sit there in your mouth as you imagine the mouthwash molecules all look like a young Robert Duvall in Apocalypse Now. Picture each molecule as a helicopter pilot coming in to drop minty fresh napalm on all of the germs in your suck hole. “Oh, how I love the smell of minty fresh napalm in the morning.”
Um…if one of my 3.5 readers is Vietnamese I apologize for that metaphor. I didn’t even write it. It was the Yeti.
#1 – You Never See the Dentist
I know. No one enjoys going to see the dentist. But these fine tooth doctors can clean up your choppers, shine them up good and help you combat any suck hole related problems you may be suffering from. Stop avoiding your dentist. Your suck hole will thank you, as will the people who have to breathe the air in the vicinity of your suck hole.