Daily Archives: March 20, 2017

Movie Review: Kong: Skull Island (2017)

A big ass monkey is on the loose and me without a banana.

BQB here with a review of the action blockbuster Kong: Skull Island.

SPOILERS ABOUND

You know, 3.5 readers, it seems like every decade, old King Kong is poked in the butt by Hollywood and dragged out to entertain us once again.  I assume the production meetings always go something like this:

HOLLYWOOD SUIT #1:  We want a new picture that people will see but we don’t want anything original at all.  What have you got for us, Jenkins?

JENKINS:  Um…I can haz big monkey movie?

HOLLYWOOD SUIT #1:  A new King Kong film! Brilliant!

In this film’s defense, it is the best King Kong film I’ve seen in a long time, and is much better than the 2005 tour de force with Naomi Watts and Jack Black.  In fact, the reviews I read of this film were so terrible that I went in expecting it to be a mess and was pleasantly surprised that it is actually pretty good.  The critics and I just don’t agree from time to time.

In this go around, it’s the end of the Vietnam War (cue a soundtrack that will be on the wish list of any 1970s music aficionado) and the mysterious Monarch Corporation, helmed by John Goodman, wants to take advantage of military resources in the area to lead a scientific expedition to Skull Island.  Blah, blah, blah, an ensemble cast is assembled, they get separated and end up fighting throughout the movie to avoid any host of dangers, ranging from becoming the lunch of one of the island’s nasty inhabitants to trying not to get bitch slapped by King Kong.

Among the film’s better performances:

  • Samuel L. Jackson as an Army colonel who is so angry that the U.S. has lost the Vietnam War that he sees taking down Kong as a sort of redemption.
  • Tom Hiddleston as a mercenary hired to go on the mission.  This is the first movie I have seen Tom in out of his Loki outfit and I have to say, he’s too good for this film.  He may be too good for any film.  No wonder Taylor Swift dated him.  I’m not gay and yet he makes me want to date him…platonically, because as I said, I’m not gay. His part is straightforward.  There’s little backstory or character development and yet he just acts the shit out of everything he does.  It’s like I want to reach into the screen and just tell him I’m sorry that Hollywood hasn’t found anything better for him to do.
  • Brie Larson as the usual blonde that Kong gets the hots for.  The film tries to break away from most Kong cliches, but the “Oh I’m Kong and I’m going to pick up this blonde chick and stare at her longingly and the audience will feel sorry and only Bookshelf Q. Battler will be smart enough to be disgusted by a) the beastiality undertones and b) the sheer impossible logistics of getting my gargantuan prehistoric gorilla dong anywhere near Brie Larson in any conceivable way that would remotely cause her pleasure.

By the way, King Kong roams around freely throughout the movie in the buff and his King Kong dong is nowhere to be found.  Seems like a gaping plot hole if you ask me.

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy.  Worth a trip to the theater.  Worth it to see it in 3-D.

 

 

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BQB’s Classic Movie Rewind – True Lies (1994)

Arnold Schwarzenegger.  Jamie Lee Curtis.  Total awesomeness.

BQB here with a review of True Lies.

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I was flipping through the channels, caught this film on TV and it immediately made me feel like a kid again.

THE PLOT:  Arnold Schwarzenegger is a secret agent for a U.S. spy organization, Omega Sector.  However, he keeps this secret from his wife, Jamie Lee Curtis, who thinks she’s married to a lame, boring computer salesman.  In search of adventure, Jamie Lee gets taken in by a used car salesman played by Bill Paxton, who pretends to be a spy in an attempt to get into her pants.

When Arnold’s real pursuit of a terrorist organization intersects with Paxton’s pursuit of Jamie Lee’s nether regions, shit hits the fan.

THE AWESOMENESS:  Movies tend to be a snapshot of the time in which they are made, and you don’t realize until years later why they are so awesome.  But here are many reasons why this movie is awesome:

  • It was Arnold at his best.  The 1980s saw Arnold with many great action films that were high on energy but low on plot.  This film was packed with great writing and comedy.  Sadly, I think it may also be the last really good movie Arnie ever made.
  • Tom Arnold proves himself.  At the time, Tom Arnold was kind of a joke as a comedian.  He was married to Roseanne Barr, and he was in a lot of crap that wasn’t funny at all, so the public perception was that he only got gigs via Roseanne related nepotism.  At least that’s what I thought at the time.  But he totally nails the part of Arnold’s bumbling loser sidekick.  He is, in many ways, the best part of the movie.
  • Eliza Dushku.  As far as I know, this was her first role, as Arnold and Jamie’s daughter, long before she became Faith the Evil Vampire Slayer on Buffy.
  • Tia Carrere.  Tia has got to be one of the most underutilized actresses in Hollywood.  She got to be Wayne’s girlfriend in Wayne’s World and then she got an awesome role in this movie as a villain.  Then she kind of disappeared.  We need a Carrere comeback.
  • Awesome action scenes, including Arnold on a horse chasing a terrorist on a motorcycle.  Arnold kicking ass in a men’s room.  Arnold fighting a terrorist with a Harrier jet.  Also, this movie was the first time I learned that Harrier jets even existed.  All jets should be Harrier jets.
  • Charlton Heston as the chief of Omega Sector.  One of his last roles.
  • When Bill Paxton passed away recently, this was the role I instantly thought of.  He was so funny as a pervy weasel.

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy.  Find it and watch it.

 

 

 

 

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