Daily Archives: March 23, 2017

I Hate Stock Related Journalism (Or More Fun with Snapchat Stock)

Hey 3.5 readers.

So, I bought Snapchat stock a couple weeks ago.

And all the headlines in the stock related media were essentially, “YOU ARE A DUMBASS IF YOU BOUGHT SNAPCHAT!  SELL RIGHT AWAY!”

But I held in there.  And held…and held…and held…and it slipped…and I held.  Finally, it slipped more and I figured this was a dumb idea.  I sold it at a loss of $200.

Then a couple of days later it started to go back up.  And the stock media was like, “SNAPCHAT IS GREAT! WHY’D YOU SELL IT, DUMBASS?”

I swear, buying a stock is more or less like placing a bet in a casino and stock journalists yell, “Put it on red!  People who put it on black are morons!”

But then if it lands on black, they’re like, “We knew it was going to land on black all along, dummy!”

So…who knows?  I guess in a year if SNAP bottoms out I’ll be glad I sold.  Then again, if you goes through the roof I’ll be banging my head against the wall.

All I know is that stock journalist are like those two crusty old bastards who sit in the back of the Muppet Theater and heckle Kermit over everything.  They’re going to heckle you no matter what you do, so just do what you think is best.

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Things that Really Frost My Ass – #16-20


Uncle Hardass, America’s Angriest Uncle, is on a roll and can’t be stopped.  Here are his latest complaints:

#16 – Television

I used to like television a lot, but that was back when there were only three channels.  I don’t like to think and I don’t like to be overwhelmed.  Nowadays, there are way too many channels and too many shows to choose from.  How could anyone possibly watch them all?  I see commercials on TV for shows I’ll never have the time to watch and I feel like I’m missing out on something.  I say we get rid of all these lousy channels and go back to the three channel format.  I’ll watch one channel and two of you watch the other two and let me know what happened.

#17 – Crybabies Who Whine About Spoilers

Speaking of telling me what happened on television, do you realize there was a time when if you bumped into someone who hadn’t seen a TV show and you told them what happened, they thanked you for it?  The networks only ran the show the one time, see, and then that was it.  If you missed it, you were out of luck.  Now everyone thinks they’re so special just because they can watch TV whenever or wherever they want.  If a show comes out today, you’re not allowed to tell someone about twenty years from now because there’s an off chance the imbecile you’re talking to might watch it thirty years from now while he’s oggling his stupid phone while he’s dropping a stinker on the can.

What ever happened to free speech?  George Washington is rolling over in his grave.


#18 – Spice Racks

My ex-wife Gertie used to buy all these little spice bottles that she’d use one time, then put on a rack and just look at them but never use them ever again.  She thought that somehow that made her a gourmet chef.  I tried to tell her that to be considered a chef, she actually had to use the spices and not just stare at them for forty years like a dummy.  That woman has spices that have been in existence since Eisenhower was president and she refuses to use them.  I’ll never understand women.  If you ever figure them out, don’t tell me the secret.  You probably have to be insane or something just to grasp how their brains work.

#19 – People Who Say “Excuse Me” When They Burp or Fart

Eff that noise.  Where are we, Communist Russia?  Newsflash, Jack.  The Soviet Union collapsed a long, long time ago.  Farting and burping are natural bodily functions and should be done whenever needed and without apology.  In fact, I have it on good authority that protection of a man’s right to burp and fart was guaranteed in the original draft of the Constitution, but the Founding Fathers’ wives made them take it out.  Yeah, like women never fart.  They act like they don’t but between you, me and the four walls, Gertie used to squeeze out butt blasts that were rank enough to peel the paint off a barn.  Whoa nelly.

#20 – Rubber Bands

When was the last time you ever used a rubber band for its intended purpose of holding a plethora of items and/or large stacks of paper together?  Probably none.  People just make them into big rubber band balls, or they use them as little sling shots or something.  Somewhere a bunch of rubber tycoons are making a mint by convincing people this useless item should be a staple in every office in the world.  Don’t tell anyone I said this.  I don’t want Big Rubber to put a hit on me.