Daily Archives: March 28, 2017

Zom Fu – Chapter 54


Chapter 54

The Whirlwind stood in the changing quarters of the late Empress, affixing a dangly earring to his already pierced earlobe and admiring himself in a full length mirror. His neck was overflowing with necklaces adorned with massive, sparkly jewels, all pilfered from a variety of jewelry boxes that were left open and torn apart on the boudoir.
“Such a fancy one, you are,” the Whirlwind said to his reflection. “The ladies must absolutely adore you.”
Niu’s voice bellowed in from the hallway. “Your Majesty! Your Majesty, where are you?”
A lovely lady’s robe hanged in a nearby closet. It was violet and covered with a floral pattern. The Whirlwind grabbed it and admired it.
“Such craftsmanship,” the thief said. “Such fine silk. It would indeed fetch a pretty price.”
The scumbag tried it on, then struck a pose in front of the mirror. “Yes,” the Whirlwind said to his reflection. “Oh look at you! You’re positively breathtaking!”
The Whirlwind caught sight of a silver pot sitting on the boudoir. It was filled with red face paint, a bit dry and tacky but there was enough of it still wet to get the job done.
“I must complete the look!” the Whirlwind said. He picked up the pot, checked himself out in the mirror, and began applying the paint.
“Your Majesty!” Niu’s voice grew louder and closer. “Where are you?”
“Oh yes,” the Whirlwind said as he rubbed the paint into his cheeks and lips. “You are a beauty, aren’t you?”
The door to the Empress’ room creaked open. Niu stepped inside. “I’ve searched every room and I can’t find…”
The Whirlwind turned around. Niu stood back and took in the sight of his brother in arms, standing there with in a full length lady’s robe with his face painted like a common prostitute.
“You sicken me to no end,” Niu said as he walked out of the room. “Come on!”
The Whirlwind scooped up a handful of shiny rings off of the boudoir, tucked them into his pocket, then followed. “Where are we going?”
“The roof,” Niu said. “The last place we haven’t checked.
“Will there be time for more treasure?” the Whirlwind asked.
“You’ve had enough treasure,” Niu answered.

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Zom Fu – Chapter 53


General Tsang stepped slowly along the roof of the palace, taking care to not lose his footing, for the Emperor’s little hands were clinging around his neck. From this height, the general was able to see for miles in any direction. He was so far up that the humans and zombies below appeared like tiny ants fighting one another.
Thunderclaps roared and lightning bolts streaked through the clouds, lighting up the sky with each occurrence. Rain began to pour.
“Don’t worry, Your Majesty,” the general said as he stepped to the ledge. There, a long line of bright, glowing lanterns began. They were strung all the way down in a diagonal line to the army barracks, less than half a mile away.
The general took off his belt. “Now, you’ll want to close your eyes, because the key is to not look down…”


General Tsang turned around. Rage Dog and Bingwen had made it to the roof, along with their respective zombie warriors and palace guards.

The sword Rage Dog carried in his last remaining hand caught the general’s eye.

“That isn’t yours,” General Tsang said. “It’s my family’s ancestral relic, passed down through the ages and wielded by a number of men far better than you. It’s killed better men too.”

The Emperor poked his little face up above the general’s shoulder, caught a brief glimpse of Rage Dog, then ducked behind his champion.

“Hand over the boy,” Rage Dog said.

“He is not yours, either,” General Tsang replied. “You are his.” The general turned his attention to Rage Dog’s assorted flunkies. “All of you are his, for he carries the Mandate of Heaven and with it, the sacred birth right to rule over China.”

“Do it or die,” Rage Dog said.

“Bingwen!” the general said. “You bring shame on your ancestors.”

“My ancestors are dead,” Bingwen said. “Life is for the living, for those who are willing to do what needs to be done in order to live for as long as possible.”

Thunderclap! The sky lit up with lightning. The rain poured harder. Rage Dog and the general strained their eyes to see one another through the drops. Their hair and clothing became sopping wet.

“Well, there’s only one of me and at least twenty of you,” the general said. “I will have to…”
The general put up his fists. “…kill you all!”

Rage Dog pointed at the old man. “Seize him!”

Bingwen, the zombies, and the palace guards approached with weapons drawn. The thunder rolled and the lightning grew brighter and brighter until….BLAM! A massive beam of light shot down from the heavens, vaporized all of the attackers save for Rage Dog, and tore a giant hole through the palace roof. The beam was so bright that neither Rage Dog nor the general dared look at it.

The general seized the opportunity. “Hold on, Your Majesty!” General Tsang lept into the air, caught the line with his belt and then…pop, pop, pop! Each lantern exploded as the belt delivered the general and his charge on down the line.

Rage Dog kept his back turned on the light. He stood and sneered, then remembered Dragonhand’s warning: “If you fail me, kill yourself and save me the trouble.”

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Zom Fu – Chapter 52

Near the steps of the Imperial Palace, three terra-cotta soldier statues stood ever so stoically, serving as tributes to warriors who had fallen in the past in the name of the Emperor. Their eyes were bright red sapphires, a bounty that the Whirlwind was unable to resist.

“Come on, you bugger,” the Whirlwind said as he jammed a dagger underneath one of the sapphires and attempted to pry it out. “Just a little…there!”

The Whirlwind stared longingly at the treasure in his hand, only to be interrupted by a cold, undead hand on his shoulder.

“Bah!” the Whirlwind said as he bashed the zombie on the head with his club. “Can’t you see I’m busy?”

“Rarrrgh!” Niu cried as he lifted another undead warrior over his head and tossed it into the night sky. “There are more important things to be busy with!”

“I was promised loot!” the Whirlwind said as he began to work on prying out another sapphire.

A zombie jumped onto Niu’s back but was quickly thrown off. Another attacked from the front, but Niu managed to grip the beast by the face and jaw, allowing him to separate one for the other.

“I said I’d look the other way!” Niu shouted. “A feat that is growing more difficult the more you shirk your responsibilities!”

The Whirlwind rolled his eyes as a second sapphire eye dropped into his hand. “Oh alright, pansy!”

Thonk! Clonk! The Whirlwind bashed in the brains of countless zombies as a fireball whizzed just inches over his head. A zombie standing directly behind the thief was hit by the flame and was incinerated instantly.

“Hey!” the Whirlwind shouted at Junjie. The thief tapped his own head to make sure his locks will still there. “Watch it, will you? If you burn off all my hair and leave me like baldy here, the ladies will never touch me again.”

“You test my patience,” Niu said as he pummeled a zombie.

“Someone had to,” the Whirlwind replied as he bashed his club into an undead skull.

Crack! A bolt of lightning streaked through the sky, followed by a menacingly loud thunderclap.

With his ghostly frame, the Infallible Master walked right through his disciples, the zombies, even the various members of the Clan of the Mediocre Yet Effective Club Bonk. The old man reached the top step and looked into the sky, where more lightning bolts passed overhead, high above the palace.

“Children,” the Infallible Master said. “Time is of the essence!”

The Whirlwind’s associates formed a line near the middle of the palace steps, bonking any zombie that dared to pass. This allowed Junjie, Niu, and the Whirlwind to enter the palace with the master.

“Club fu saves the day!” the Whirlwind remarked.

“Now is not the time!” Niu hissed.

“Niu and Whirlwind, you must find the Emperor,” the master said. “Junjie, follow me.”

“But shouldn’t I help them find the Emperor?”

“This is more important,” the master said.

“What could be more important than the Emperor?” Junjie asked.

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Does this blog suck?

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here, channeling my inner Vinny Baggadouchio and asking if my blog sucks.  Does it suck?

If it does suck, what are some ways in which I can make it not suck?

If it does not suck, why do you think it does not suck?

Personally, I feel it needs more organization because my posts get buried in the blogroll whereas there might be some gems from the past that people might like to check out.

Also, in retrospect, I’m not sure that “Bookshelf Q. Battler” was the catchiest of pen names to choose, but after investing three years into it, I’m not sure it is wise to start over from scratch with something else.

Also, this blog is supposed to be, in part, a chronicle of my BQB adventures yet I feel like I never have the time to tell you all about the amazing nerd adventures I have been on.  Would you read them if I did?  People don’t seem to read stories on blogs, I have been noticing.  So in that regard, perhaps this idea for a blog was dumb but again after three years, I feel like I just can’t cut bait and run.  Who knows if another blog idea would do any better?

Thoughts?  Thank you 3.5.  Also, why haven’t you 3.5 readers become 3,500.5 readers yet?  What are you waiting for?  What can I do to make this happen?

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Best Pickup Lines #101-150


#101 – Oh, I guess you’ll do.

#102 – Pardon me ma’am, but do you have a taser?  If so, is it charged?  Also, what’s your pepper spray situation?  I ask because the ER says my health insurance won’t cover any more zap or eye treatments this fiscal year.

#103 – If you were peanut butter, I’d spread you on my bread.

#104 – The ladies say I’m a dog.  Wanna pet me?

#105 – Let’s go back to your place.  My place is filled with silverfish.

#106 – I’ve been told I have a silver tongue.  Got any varnish?

#107 – Want to play Monopoly?  I’ll put my finger in your thimble.

#108 – Would you like to split an ice cream soda at the malt shoppe?

#109 – Why yes, these are Hammer pants.  Thank you for noticing.

#110 – Look into my eyes.  You are getting sleepy…very sleepy…

#111 – Does anyone else know you are here?  Would anyone miss you?  Just curious is all.  No biggie.

#112 – Do you come here often?  Would you like to?

#113 – Would you be willing to take a compatibility test?  You only have to fill in the bubbles on a scantron sheet for seven hours.

#114 – Want to see me crush a beer can on my head?

#115 – I sure would love to bounce a quarter off that tucas.

#116 – I feel like I could get lost in your eyes.  Would you like to get lost in my chest hair?

#117 – I’d like to sketch you sometime, but I’m not a very good artist.  It would probably just look like a stick figure with two giant chest circles.

#118 – We’re not getting any younger.

#119 – I just sold my three years sober chip for a keg.  I’m officially off the wagon, baby! Woo!

#120 – I’ll mow your lawn and trim your hedge.  Also, I will do your lawn work.

#121 – You shaved down there or do you look like you’ve got bigfoot in a leg lock?

#122 – I’d love to take you to Europe, but the International Showcase at Epcot is the best I can do.

#123 – Who’s up for a little bit of the slap and tickle?

#124 – You are an amazing woman and I value your mind and spirit over your body.  Was that sufficiently deep to get me into your pants or do I have to spout off more nonsense?

#125 – It totally works.  I just got it checked.

#126 – Wanna come back to my place?  We can take turns lying down in the chalk silhouette on the floor.

#127 – Allow me to serenade you with my accordion.

#128 – Wanna do your good deed for the year?

#129 – Hey lady.  Stop staring at my crotch.  My eyes are up here.

#130 – You look exactly like a movie star.  Has anyone else ever mistaken you for Rosie O’Donnell?

#131 – We’re like two ships passing in the night, except now it’s time to dock in your harbor…

#132 – Let us crash our bodies against each other like two portly wildebeests rampaging their way across the Savannah.

#133 – Eh, like you could do better.

#134 – What wedding ring?  Oh, THAT wedding ring!  I’m just holding it for a friend…

#135 – You’re pretty hot.  Seriously, you could be a prostitute in the greater Manhattan area if you wanted to.

#136 – If looks could kill you’d be an Apache attack helicopter outfitted with heat seeking nuclear missiles and twin gatling guns.

#137 – Can I touch it?

#138 – Can I text you sometime…and also, many times after that?

#139 – I know we just met but I can already imagine a life where I pass out in front of the TV with a beer in my hand and a cigar in my mouth while you wash the skid marks out of my undies.

#140 – I’ve been told I look like a young Abe Vigoda.

#141 – Would you mind terribly if I were to take a life insurance policy and then hang out with you for awhile at the top of a very high flight of stares for absolutely no reason in particular?

#142 -Yeah, I’m a health nut. My diet consists mostly of Slim Jims and Red Bull.

#143 – I have a map to the G-spot.  A legendary explorer gave it to me in exchange for three gold doubloons and a goat.

#144 – Can I sniff the air in your general vicinity?

#145 – Are you one of those lame-os who freaks out when a man takes between thirty and forty thousand photos her while she’s sleeping?

#146 – I’m into feet.  Can you take off those shoes so I can meet yours?

#147 – I wipe regularly.

#148 – I’m cash poor but love rich.

#149 – Check out the size of my hands.  Extra big gloves for me if you catch my drift.

#150 – Let’s boogie.

Daily Discussion with BQB – That Scene in Michael Jackson’s “Beat It…”

…where the two dudes get their hands tied together, thus allowing them to have a knife fight to the death because neither is able to run away is by far the most awesome, totally gangster scene in music video history.


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