By: Tin Hat Ted, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Conspiracy Theorist
Good day, 3.5 readers. Tin Hat Ted here. I’d like to thank Bookshelf Q. Battler for allowing me the opportunity to share my conspiracy theories on his blog. While I am convinced that BQB is a high ranking official in the lizard people army and his blog is but a mere rouse designed to brainwash 3.5 humans into the ways of the lizard, I’ve got to get my start somewhere and it’s not like any other blogs are answering my many, many, many calls.
First, a little bit about me. I was but a humble waiter when I first began hearing the alien voices in my head. You don’t hear them because the average human mind can’t comprehend them, but rest assured those voices are there, telling you to do things you don’t really want to do all day long. That’s why you eat fast food, buy expensive products you don’t need and watch TV shows that are utter garbage. The aliens are trying to make you fat, stupid and poor so you’ll offer little resistance when their drop ships arrive full of shock troops.
That’s why I wear this very fashionable tin hat. It keeps the aliens from implanting subliminal messages into my mind. It also keeps them from reading my mind. There are many nuggets of information I don’t want the aliens to have, let me tell you.
In fact, I will tell you. Here are my latest conspiracy theories. Just keep this all on the down low because if the various forces behind the scenes ever found out that any of this went public, they’d blow a gasket. Good thing this blog is only read by 3.5 readers.
Conspiracy Theory #1 – J. Edgar Hoover is Alive and is a Woman
Former FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover is alive and well, having had his brain implanted into the brain of a female test subject, thus killing two proverbial birds with one stone, namely, achieving the director’s ambition to live into perpetuity and to become a woman. At this time, I have no reason to believe that Hoover is working for or against the government, at least in any official capacity. My sources, comprised mostly of meth addicted truckers I hang out with at the local Waffle House, indicate that Hoover just wants his Hoover time. He wants to be left alone to enjoy his long dreamed of vagina, but will strike with the copious files full of dirty secrets he maintains if he is pressed.
Conspiracy Theory #2 – Newspapers are Written By Highly Intelligent Beavers
Print is dead. The only reason this industry is still alive is the hardworking North American beaver. By day, these buck toothed rodents build damns. By night, they write newspaper articles under assumed names. Don’t believe everything you read, by the way. The beavers bring their own pro-beaver bias to the news.
Conspiracy Theory #3 – Walt Disney Continues to Run Disney
While Walt Disney was cryogenically frozen, word has it that he is sentient enough to groan loud enough that it can be heard by the scientists monitoring his cryo-chamber. Walt gets final approval on every film Disney makes. Studio execs play the latest films inside a little TV in Walt’s chamber, and then he groans once for yes and twice for no. Witnesses report that Walt’s groans regarding the gay character in Beauty in the Beast were inconclusive, so they just rolled the dice.
Conspiracy Theory #4 – All Important People are Lizards
Most multi-millionaires, celebrities, politicians, business tycoons and other people of import are not people but rather, are lizard people wearing regular people masks. If you’re ever feeling down about not making it as far as you hoped you would in life, don’t blame yourself. It’s not your fault you aren’t a lizard. The lizard people have their own network and if you aren’t in it, then the doors to success will never be unlocked for you.
I’m just confused as to why Bookshelf Q. Battler is a lizard person. After all, he’s not very successful.
Conspiracy Theory #5 – Candy Rots Your Teeth so Dentists Can Put Trackers in Your Fillings
There’s been a form of sugar that is actually good for your teeth but the government has kept it off supermarket shelves for decades. That’s because they want you to get cavities so they can put fillings in your teeth. Sure, those fillings plug up your tooth holes, but they also contain tiny homing beacons that can tell the government where you are and what you are putting your mouth on at all times.
A) Be careful what you put your mouth on if you don’t want to be blackmailed by the government and B) be like me and do all your own dental work. Oh, Bookshelf Q. Battler’s lawyer tells me to tell you to not do your own dental work but if you ask me, she’s probably part of the grand conspiracy.
Those are all the conspiracy theories I’m willing to share at this time, 3.5 readers. If you have any you’d like to share, leave them in the comments. Also, don’t forget to fashion a hat for yourself out of tin foil and wear it at all times.