Ahh, Valentine’s Day. That day that you don’t want to screw up, for if you do, your source of vagina, er I mean your beloved lifelong best friend and companion, will go on lockdown.
Have you been too busy reading this fine blog to buy a gift? From BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, here are my top ten last minute ideas:
#10 – Household Appliances – If 1950s advertising has taught me anything, it’s that you’ll be a hero in your household for getting your wife a dish washer, clothes washing machine, basically anything that will make less work for her around the house and frankly, you’re a good man for not being a stickler and making that lazy bitch clean clothes and dishes the better, old way of demanding that she put all that dirty shit in a sack and drag into down to the river and then spend three days washing it all in the river water and drying it all on a rock.
Make sure you let her know that you’re being a good guy by helping her out here. “You know, honey, Mr. Tiddlybonker across the street makes his wife carry all the dirty clothes to the river…”
#9 – Money – Chicks dig money. Oh, and if you don’t have a wife or girlfriend, I’ve heard that money can buy you a prostitute…so, rent a valentine! (Don’t do it you’ll go to jail and be a bad man’s valentine).
#8 – IOU Coupons – Free backrubs, free this, free that. Hand drawn.
#7 – Penis. Consensual penis only. Seek written, notarized, witnessed and videotaped consent. Just to be sure, make her take a lie detector test while she’s consenting.
#6 – Karate lessons. Once she’s a blackbelt, she can karate chop all of the unwanted, non-consensual penis.
#5 – A lifelike dummy replica – She can put this out and it will take all of the unwanted, unsolicited, non-consensual penis attacks while she goes about her daily business.
#4 – A song. Write her a song. Sing it. If all else fails, sing your words over a Boyz II Men track.
#3 – Cake. Women love cake.
#2 – Russel Stover heart shaped chocolate boxes. Only squeeze 70 percent as you look for the one you want.
#1 – A poem. Her eyes are like the ocean, her smile is like the sun…chicks love that shit.