Yo. 2017. Time to get the green. BQB on the track like a flea on a dog’s back. Crank up the bass and let’s lay this shit down, ya heard?
Ahh, dating. It’s one of the great joys of life, unless your boyfriend is a wannabe rapper. He’s got the backwards hat. He’s got a few lyrics he’s scribbled down on some notebook paper. He yearns so badly to join ranks of Snoop, NWA, 50 Cent, and Eminem.
But let’s face it. He couldn’t rap his way out of a paper bag and you’ll be supporting him forever.
From BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Rapper:
#10 – Begins Every Conversation With a Lead-In That Features the Year, Followed by What He Wants the Sound Technician to Do
YOU: Hun, what do you want for dinner?
HIM: Yo, yo, yo, 2017…don’t want no string beans. Put a little slick on this mic and we gonna lay this track down. Bring some motherfuckin’ pizza to town, know what I’m sayin’ cuz?
#9 – He Never Introduces You to His Friends…He Announces the Collaboration
YOU: Oh, hi hun. You didn’t tell me you were having friends over. Can you introduce me?
HIM: Yo, yo, yo, B-Money Steaze up in the house, gettin’ ready to blow the doors off this motha-fucka….yeah and Sticky Mark up on the track, gettin’ it all whack for your ears, now what I’m sayin’? Funk-ta-fied Freddy backin us up all day, everyday and Worldwide Miscreant stoppin’ by to get in on this shiznit, ya dope ass sucka!
#8 – So Many Backwards Hats
They’re easily convertible to frontwards hats but he just won’t listen, even after 30.
#7 – Always Offering You a Demo Tape…
…no matter how many times you tell him you’re not in the industry and can’t help him…or that no one uses cassettes anymore.
#6 – Always Talking About How Hard His Life Is/Was
HIM: Yo, yo, yo, growin’ up on the streets was no fun, bitches in my face wavin’ they gun, how I got out the hood is a wonder, all my dead homies be six feet under.
YOU: You were from Connecticut, dipshit.
#5 – Refers to Money as Stacks
BANK TELLER: And how would you like to cash this check sir?
HIM: Yo, yo, yo give me fat stacks, bitch!
#4 – Calls Everyone “Bitch”
You, your friends, your family, your dog, everyone.
GRANNY AT THANKSGIVING: Sonny, can you pass the gravy?
HIM: Aw, shit! Gravy comin’ all up in this motha-fucka, bitch!
#3 – Won’t Get a Day Job
Because he likes to keep it real. Rappable stories come from the streets, not from working 9-5 at Kinko’s, bitch.
#2 – Always Working On New Rhymes
All day, every day, his notebook is out and his pen is scribbling new lyrics. If only he could sell some.
#1 – Fights Are Like Rap Battles
YOU: You didn’t do the dishes!
HIM: Yo, yo, yo, bitch want me to do the dishes and now she mad, wants me to sleep with the fishes!