Hey 3.5 readers.
If you’ve been following this blog for a long time (and my condolences if you have. I hope your situation improves soon) then you know I am a vocal advocate for rights of the ugly everywhere.
One day, I hope that there will be a constitutional amendment that prevents the government from passing laws that would force us to wear bags over our heads.
Further, I, personally, have been arguing with attractive women for years, informing them that I’m trans-handsome and if they don’t treat me as handsome then they are hateful bigots but alas, no one has been woke enough to see my side of things. Maybe someday, my fellow uggos.
Anyway, every year, I direct most of my vitriol against the Oscars. Why? Because they’re too damn pretty. You’d think after my years of advocacy, they’d put more ugly actors and actress into the mix. After all, the vast majority of Americans are hideously ugly and totally unbangable, so it’s high time that we see more ugly representation at these awards shows.
As usual, Hollywood disappoints. Follow along, will you?
Bradley Cooper – I like Bradley Cooper. For a handsome man (I can say that without being gay) he has managed to develop a good personality. Still, fuck that guy. He looks like a Ken doll. Life was good enough for him already. Next!
Viggo Mortensen – Holy shit. The charmed lives that the attractive live. The dude dropped the N word in public and he’s still nominated. I mean, OK, he said it in reference to a broader discussion and there didn’t seem to be any malicious intent but still, had he been ugly…
Christian Bale – A handsome man dressed up as an ugly man, i.e. former Vice-President Dick Cheney. You know what I call this? Ugly face. Good looking people get all the parts and on the rare occasion when there’s a part for an old bald gray haired man with a permanent scowl, they don’t actually find such an old man, they just make up a good looking guy so that he looks like. Ugly face! This offense to the ugly cannot stand.
Rami Malek – This is a tough one. He’s not ugly, he’s just nerdy. If I were a woman, I might call him cute. Again, I’m not gay or anything. More confusing is he plays Freddie Mercury, who wasn’t really all that ugly but people at the time made fun of him and made him feel like he was ugly because of his teeth. So a not ugly guy playing a man falsely accused of being ugly…I’m not sure of the official term but whatever. Rami is not ugly enough to qualify as ugly representation.
Willem Dafoe – 3.5 readers, do you have any idea how long this dude has been around? Like, for freaking ever. He was in Platoon, for Christ’s sake. He’s been in all kinds of big award winning critically acclaimed flicks. He was the friggin’ Green Goblin. He’s done it all. Do you think any other actor who has been around this long has been snubbed so regularly? No. Why does he get the shaft? Because the dude’s ugly. I love the guy. He’s a great thespian, but the dude looks like a damn skeleton man. I complained about this last year because he was nominated for “The Florida Project” and he did great with that, by the way, but he didn’t win and I think they’ll just keep nominating him forever because the Academy wants to placate Ugly Rights advocates like me but they’ll never let him win.
Anyway, he’s up for playing Vincent Van Gogh in some picture no one saw. Fuck it. I didn’t see it. But I want him to win. He is an ugly man playing a motherfucker who cut his damn ear off. Sounds good to me. It actually doesn’t. The Florida Project was good. He deserved it for that one, largely because for the first time, Hollywood allowed an ugly actor to play a respectable man, i.e. a hard-working motel manager who runs around behind the backs of all the drugged out losers who stay in his motel, keeping an eye on their kids and keeping them out of trouble but gets zero thank yous for it.
I’ll be rooting for Willem. In the meantime, if you can think of any ugly actors who are being snubbed, list them in the comments. I’ll be back later to explain how the Best Actress award is biased against ugly broads.
By the way, before you argue that it is unwoke for me to use the word “ugly,” I remind you that I too am very ugly, so we ugly people can use the ugly word. That’s our word.