Monthly Archives: September 2019

Will You Play a Rousing Game of Ms. Monopoly?

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

So I saw that Hasbro has come out with “Ms. Monopoly,” which I guess is meant to celebrate women or something, though that’s odd because it’s not like the original game is limited to male or female players.

A key rule change in this version is that female players get $240 when passing go whereas men get a measly $200…because, um, I guess the best way to celebrate strong, independent women is to give them a headstart because they need it because men have all the advantages but also, they don’t need it because they’re so strong and independent and so on.

This is where someone woker than I will point out that this rule change is a commentary on the unfairness of society and that men on average make more than women so see if you men playing this game like it when the women make more for a change.

Then, this is where I would tell the person who pointed this out that they are comparing apples to oranges because sure, women on the whole make less than men on the whole, but that’s because many women often choose less profitable occupations, and amongst the non-college educated, men always have the opportunity to get into construction or roofing or contracting and many women tend to not be interested in such professions and if you are worried then the way to fix it isn’t by just shouting down the imaginary boogeyman that is lurking in the shadows, doling out extra money to men, but rather, to look at why many women don’t go into more lucrative fields and working on ways to break down those barriers.

Moving on…in light of this new game, here are some upcoming female based board games (and/or woke board games):

#1 – Ms. Clue – Without even opening the box, just assume all male players are automatically guilty and send them directly to jail with no concerns for constitutional due process.

#2 – Ms. Twister – Female players will have a rollicking fun time as they spin the wheel that tells them which brightly colored dots they must put their hands and feet on, contorting themselves into all manner of silly positions.  Male players will decline to play and will huddle in a corner, recording themselves on their cell phones, saying things like, “Look, I’m all the way over here!” and “Here are my hands!  Look at my hands!  I’m keeping my hands to myself and away from all of those dots!”  and pointing out that they are not anywhere near the women and that these recordings will hopefully bail them out of any legal proceedings.

#3 – Woke Operation – Though the patient is the one who decided to drink himself until his kidneys exploded, you’ll need to be overtaxed to pay for this operation.  Also, you must chop off the patient’s penis and attach a vagina without making the game buzz.

#4 – Woke Risk (Or Woke Stratego) – The player who plays as America must forfeit all turns and give up all territory and possessions to all other players to make up for past injustices.

#5 – Woke Scrabble – Same point awarding system as before, but if you try to use your tiles to spell out any pronouns, you must slap yourself in the ball sack with a ball peen hammer.

#6 – Woke Game of Life (Millennial Edition) – All players under 35 just fart into their webcams and become automatically millionaires.  Anyone born before Reagan was president can literally go fuck themselves.

#7 – Ms. Chutes and Ladders – All female players get to climb the ladders.  All male players get kicked down the chutes.

#8 – Ms. Pictionary – All drawing clues just require the players to give a middle finger to the patriarchy.

#9 – Ms. Trivial Pursuit – Female players are awarded an extra pie wedge everytime a male player mansplains the answer to a trivia question.

#10 – Ms. Hungry Hungry Hippos – The game begins when the male players throw all of the little balls into the ring.  All female players will then proclaim that their hippos are not hungry…but then they will nibble on the balls that the men are eating…more and more until the male players just wonder why the female players didn’t just order their own damn white balls but, ok, then the male players calm down and realize that the female players” hippos are under a lot of pressure to please society by looking hot so they’ll go along with the rouse and pretend like the women players’ hippos didn’t eat all the white balls and the male players’ hippos will go back into the box starving but they’ll do it because they know to order more white balls would be taken as an insult.

The male players’ hippos will then pick up the check even though the female players’ hippos have jobs and money and are empowered and shit.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Should Deodorant Come in Boysenberry Scents?

I’m tired of that chemical perfume smell.  I want to smell like lavender, vanilla, oranges, citrus, and creme de menthe.

Do you also want to smell like this?  If so, please invent such wonderful smells and put them into aerosol form.

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TV Review – Team Foxcatcher (2016)

Have you ever looked the other way on a friend or loved one’s mental illness because they have money?

Maybe you rationalized taking an insult because they pay the rent.  Maybe you sucked it up and turned a blind eye to their abuse because you have nowhere else to go.

As the story of “Team Foxcatcher” unfolds, you realize that there were numerous early warning signs that multi-millionaire John du Pont, heir to the vast chemical company fortune, was one hair’s breadth away from snapping like a twig.

And while in hindsight, it’s easy to blame the wrestlers, the estate employees, the coaches, the local police, the Wrestling Association and so on, one has to remember that financial security is the end all/be all of life and few will be willing to bite the hand that feeds them until the abuse just can’t be ignored anymore.

The boiling point came when du Pont shot and killed Dave Schultz, an Olympic wrestler and family man who he’d invited to train on his property.  Once the gun was fired, everyone surrounding the murderous madman realized they should have seen it coming and yet, in the years leading up to it, no one did.

This documentary does a great job of telling the story of du Pont’s long descent into madness, and how so many people who depended upon him were willing to look the other way on his mental illness because he was their goose who laid the golden egg.  (And in many respects, while money initially got them into his life, love for the man got them to stay.)

We learn that Du Pont has been socially isolated and sheltered his entire life.  He grew up in posh wealth with his mother, but never had any friends and never met a sticky situation that he couldn’t buy his way out of.  Although a man of great wealth, it was his father and others before him that built the company and so, he has spent his life as an eccentric, awkward weirdo, desperately wanting to do something that would leave his own mark, earn him respect independent of his family name and money, and so on.

Ironically, he almost got there.  A sports fan who didn’t make it as an athlete himself, he builds an athletic complex on his large, sprawling PA estate and invites America’s greatest Olympians to come and train.  He is quickly hailed as a hero, especially to wrestlers, who are typically dominated by the Russians.  We are told that wrestling is a rather complicated sport, taking years to master, and by the time a wrestler really gets the hang of it, he has to quit and find a paying job to support his family.  Russia pays its wrestlers and du Pont solves the problem by paying the wrestlers a salary out of his own pocket and even given them homes on his property.

Though truly a loon, he might have gone down in history as a great benefactor for American sports.  But alas, as the documentary unfolds, he gets crazier and crazier until tragedy strikes.

The documentary tells the tale of a man coddled by everyone, for he has coddled them with his money and so they are essentially returning the favor.  Not happy to sit back and take praise the way so many other pro sports team owners do after a major win, Du Pont wants to get involved and train with the wrestlers, though he has zero skill to offer and is an old man.

He says weird things.  He does weird things.  He has guns.  A lot of guns.

The warning signs were there.  Perhaps not so much that he would kill someone, but there were situations where had it been a poor person doing what he did, people wouldn’t stand for it.

For example, du Pont develops a strange fear of anything colored black, and demands that anything black be removed from his estate.  No black clothes.  No black cars.  No black paint on buildings.  He even fires all the black wrestlers.  Du Pont argues it is nothing personal or racist, he just can’t stomach the color black anymore.  As a high ranking wrestling official (I forget the name of the organization) explains, that moment should have been the point where his group should have cut ties with du Pont but alas, there just wasn’t another way for wrestlers to train and afford a decent living.

Local law enforcement is aware that du Pont is a loon too but du Pont has helped them with his money over the years.

Du Pont becomes paranoid and hires serious, big time security agents.  He’s convinced there are secret tunnels on his estate and spies hiding in his walls and though they agents realize these beliefs are crazy, they investigate his strange claims anyway…and the viewer is left to debate whether or not they should have just told him he’s an idiot or if they were just doing a job they were hired to do.

It all comes to a head when du Pont becomes increasingly jealous of Dave Schultz, the wrestler that everyone on the team rallies around and views as their leader.  Du Pont wants to be loved just as much, but no matter how much dough he doles out, he just can’t get as much love…and eventually breaks down and sadly, shoots Schultz, killing him.

The Foxcatcher movie with Steve Carrell was great, but I think the documentary did a better job of showing how people around Du Pont realized he was nuts and should have removed themselves from him….but its one of those things where you support your crazy uncle figure until his craziness consumes him.

And ultimately, it is a sad story.  Schultz could have gone one last victory before retirement and being with his family.  Du Pont could have maybe seen a shrink and gotten some help and gone down as a respected sports philanthropist but…sadly, mental illness took its toll.

STATUS: Shelfworthy.

 

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Is Dave Chappelle Insufficiently Woke?

Hey 3.5 readers.

Trying to post a little more.

It saddens me that the PC police are coming after Dave Chappelle.  This guy was the king of comedy in the early 2000s only to be branded a villain today.  Sorry to say it but he didn’t change.  You all did.

Oh, how I loved my Chappelle’s Show DVD box set in the old days.  I’d just watch those sketches over and over.  The guy was such a comedic perfectionist that he left 50 million on the table and walked away because he couldn’t phone it in like so many others did and the stress of doing comedy right got to him.

The weirdest argument, among many, is that his R. Kelly sketch normalized R. Kelly.  I remember that sketch.  He hanged R. Kelly out to dry as a whacko, urine obsessed degenerate pervert.  How that supposedly “normalized” R. Kelly I’ll never know.  If anything, it trashed him and made people more aware of his pervyness.

It’s just sad to see everyone getting on his case.  Your thoughts?

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Other Movies I Saw This Summer But Didn’t Get Around to Reviewing

Sorry, 3.5 readers, I have been uber busy, but here are some brief takes on some other movies I saw but didn’t get around to reviewing:

The Kitchen – Though it has a few good moments, I thought this 1970s crime drama starring Tiffany Haddish, Melissa McCarthy and Elisabeth Moss was kind of lame.  It’s about a trio of New York housewives whose husbands go to jail and they step up to run their criminal enterprise.  It’s sort of cringe because on one hand, it’s clear the movie is made such that you are supposed to root for women making it in yet another male dominated profession, i.e. crime and yet, these women are murdering and robbing and so on so really, should we be cheering on anyone who does such things?  McCarthy and Haddish are great comedians and I get they wanted to exercise their dramatic chops, but this wasn’t it.  Those vehicles are possible.  For example, McCarthy nailed it with “Can You Ever Forgive Me?” and Haddish will likely find her dramatic role one day.  Moss, who has drama experience from Mad Men, doesn’t get much of a chance to shine.  Overall, it felt like a cheesy ripoff of 2018’s Widows, which was also about three wives who pull off a heist when their husbands are taken out of commission.

The Art of Racing in the Rain – This is another one of those noble dog movies where the dog helps his owner throughout.  Although they are just one step above being a Hallmark Channel movie, they’re still pretty good.  This one is about a race car driver who has perfected the art of racing in the rain, i.e. don’t panic or you’ll wipe out, rather, assume the rain will come and turn into the skid.  Though he was unprepared for his wife’s death and the ensuing custody battle with her parents over his daughter, the lead, whose name I forget, keeps on driving with the help of his pooch.  Good stuff.

Angel Has Fallen – A good addition to this series.  Made me go back and watch the original Olympus Has Fallen and realize it is underrated as an action film.

What movies have you seen lately, 3.5 readers?

Movie Review: It: Chapter 2 (2019)

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say I don’t like the It movies.

However, I admit that I don’t like them because they scare me on a psychological level, which is, I suppose, Stephen King’s overall goal, thus quite ironically, what makes the movie a success makes me not want to watch it again.

Both films deal with how children grow up and confront their fears, how they either overcome the obstacles that hold them back and succeed or if they don’t, are eventually consumed by them.

Frankly, the first film would have been enough, but I suppose the second shows how in a weird way, even as adults, we are still kids inside, unsure of ourselves, scared of the future, afraid to confront our demons.

“It,” a demonic being that often takes the form of uber scary clown Pennywise, takes great joy in exploiting the fears of a group of kids, later turned adults, in Derry, Maine.  As the second installment progresses, each adult will have to face a fear that has paralyzed them since childhood, and the old clown is there at every turn, rubbing their fears in their faces.

So, on a psychological level, yeah, the movie will mess you up.  I’m an adult man and I had trouble sleeping after this one, though less so than after the first one.  Sometimes too much of anything and while Pennywise had me shitting my pants in the first one, and for most of the second, I eventually just felt by the end of the second that someone should just drop a nuclear missile on this dumbass clown’s head and be down with it already.

There’s a lot of things I don’t like.  For example, kids getting murdered.  Kids getting their heads chomped off by a clown.  I get that its about confronting the fears that have plagued you since childhood, but come on, we don’t need to see children being murdered in such gruesome detail.  Maybe split the difference and have the clown’s big teeth coming at the kid, then cut away, but no, they show the kids getting chomped in horrifying detail.  Gross, disgusting and unnecessary.

Some great performances by the adult losers – Jessica Chastain, Bill Hader and the guy who plays Young Professor X being the only ones I recognize, though all did well.

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy, though please keep it off my shelf.  I never want to see it again, which I suppose means King did his work.

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A Rap I Wrote About the 77 Cents I Made Selling My Books on Amazon

rappa

Uh..yeah…mic check, here we go.

Cents!  It’s my dream to get to heaven, but to get there I’m gonna need some cents.

My bills piled high and I need to pay my rents, so gimmie the…cents!

File a bill of replevin and stop by the 7-11 just so I can get a number of pennies, the total of which is seventy-seven…cents!

One day I was just a normal guy, didn’t fly high and I never thought that I would ever touch the sky.

Then I looked into my bank account and thought perhaps I was dreaming or perhaps that I had died.

And then I thought I flew to the surly bonds up above.

Cuz when I saw all those cents in my possession, I surely fell in love with…cents!

Yeah, fly me to heaven on a Boeing 747, and pay for the ride with my seven and seven…cents!

My mama told me I lack common sense and my dad told me I was ever so dense but now I can buy sensitivity and density and just chill in the city and pay for it all with…my seventy seven cents!

What you got something that costs seventy cents, muthafucka?  Here, take ten dimes and keep the change, G.  Peace, I’m out.

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Happy Memorial Day Weekend, 3.5 Readers

Hey readers.  How are you?  I hope you enjoy your labor day weekend and take a rest from all your labors.

I know you have missed my bloggings on this fine blog, but rest assured, I’m putting my efforts into the Toilet Gator series, which will be the best books ever written about toilets, gators or toilet gators.

Unfortunately, that means I have a lot less time to blog but rest assured, the books will be worth it.