Category Archives: Movies

Is there…

a dumber movie than Battleship?

If there is, I can’t think of one.  Maybe Pootie Tang.

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Movie Review – Boyhood (2014)

Boyhood.  There’s 12 years of SPOILERS ahead.

How to describe?  I’m not even sure where to begin.

At the outset, when you go into it, you need to set aside traditional movie questions you’d normally ask to gauge a film’s overall effectiveness.  “Was I entertained?  Was I in suspense?  Was I left hanging on the edge of my seat?”  It’s more of an educational experience than a traditional plot based film so the typical questions don’t apply.

Growing up is painful, difficult, and has its series of ups and downs that few of us, if any, are spared from.  The film begins in the early 2000’s and follows a family for 12 years.  This unique idea leaves the viewer to watch the child actors grow up on screen before our very eyes.  They start out as little kids and end up fully grown adult college students.  And film crews shoot all of the bittersweet moments along the way.

Cultural references are crowbarred in all over the place.  Music, movies, politics all serve as cues to let the viewer know how much time has passed.  From the cheap clunky apple little Mason uses in the school library to the sleek apple he uses in high school, from little Sam singing Britney Spears in the beginning to Obama’s campaign, there’s a definite effort to make sure you, the viewer, are aware that time is moving on.

Director Richard Linklater took on an insurmountable task with this project.  It’s hard enough to keep a normal production on track, let alone one that requires the same cast to return every once in awhile over the course of twelve years.  Thus, it surprised me that he didn’t walk away with the Oscar for best director, even just for the courage to throw himself into the world of an unusual, time consuming project that from the start was destined to not become a big box office draw.

The film begins in the early 2000’s.  Mason Jr. (Ellar Coltrane) and his sister, Samantha (Lorelei Linklater, thus the director could guarantee from the start that at least one cast member was going to return over the course of twelve years) are little kids living with single mom, Olivia, played by Patricia Arquette.  Their biological father, Mason Sr. (Ethan Hawke) is the stereotypical screw-up, driving around in a sports car, having just returned after abandoning the family, and is now making an effort to be a part of the kids’ lives.

Throughout the film, Olivia tries to improve herself.  She goes back to school.  She marries a professor who seems great on the surface, but as it turns out, is an abusive alcoholic.  When his rage fits go out of control, Olivia packs up Mason and Sam and leaves, and the kids are sad as they’d grown attached to their step-siblings, the professor’s kids.

Time moves on.  Olivia becomes a professor herself.  The kids aren’t the only ones who grow up before our eyes.  The adults do as well.  Olivia marries a student, a man who at first, appears to be a very charming war veteran, but, and perhaps in a bit too much of a cliched manner, becomes one more angry drunk that Olivia has to dump.  Honestly, how many jerks must this woman suffer through?

Sometimes we look at kids, we see them with their video games and cartoons and we think they must be happy, but as the film shows, they suffer from a lot of sadness and angst.  As a society, we should be aware of that.  Kids in divorced families especially have it tough.  Over the course of twelve years, Mason and Sam live with their mom, see their father every other weekend, suffer through two abusive drunk stepdads and overall just live confused lives where it looks like stability is never going to be an option for them.

We see Mason, a little boy, going from the typical, silly kid who crushes his homework in his backpack and forgets to give it to his teacher, to become a young man with a dream of becoming a photographer.  We watch all of his milestones, from dressing up as a boy wizard to attend a Harry Potter premiere all the way to his graduation.

We are even spectators as Mason goes through his first breakup, something that happens to all of us.  If it’s never happened to you, you’re one lucky individual.  We’re even left with some hope as Mason meets a new girl with similar interests, the point being that Mason has learned not to seek out just any old girl but to find one who likes him for who he is.

I do have a complaint.  Throughout the film, I feel like we’re asked to cheer on Olivia as she stands up for herself time and time again against a series of lousy men.  At the start of the film, Hawke’s character, Mason Sr., is painted out as the typical “I refuse to grow up” family abandoning loser.  By the end of the film, he has, in a very noble manner, taken the sadness he feels about losing his family and channels it to become Mr. Super Reliable, a great husband to his second wife, and wise, all-knowing Super Dad to Mason Jr, Sam, and the newborn he has with his second wife.

That’s very admirable.  People shouldn’t be punished forever for their mistakes.  If, like Mason Sr., they turn their lives around, they should be rewarded.  But where’s Olivia’s reward?  For a brief moment, we’re hoodwinked into thinking maybe her reward is found in the soldier she marries but out of the blue he’s turned into an abusive drunk.  Didn’t we already have an abusive drunk in the form of the professor?  Did we need a second one?

Getting back to my complaint – at the end of the movie, Olivia is left a sad old woman in a small apartment.  Mason Jr. and Sam are off at college having the time of their lives.  Mason Sr. has become the Dad we all wish we had.  Olivia, the most responsible person in the entire movie, is the only one left without a reward.  That just seems unfair to me.

At the end, there’s an implication that she regrets not sticking with Mason Sr (Hawke).  Maybe she was too hard on him when he was young.  Maybe she spent too much time chasing perfection.  She went for the college professor and the war veteran, two men who were adept at holding themselves out to the world as perfect, but on the inside, had their own demons.

We’re left to think “if only Olivia had been more patient with Mason Sr.”  No, he wasn’t perfect, but given time, he’d of morphed from the caterpillar he was to the butterfly Olivia was looking for all along.  Are we all guilty of that?  Probably.  We should all try to be a little more patient with our significant others because ultimately, the grass isn’t always greener.  The perfect person you’re searching for isn’t out there.  No one is perfect.

That may be all well and good but the Mason Sr. we’re shown at the start of the film?  We can’t begrudge young Olivia for turning a cold shoulder to him.  So I’m not sure why Olivia doesn’t end up with some kind of reward at the end for all her struggles.

Like this review, the movie goes on a bit too long, though it is understandable.  They had a lot of footage taken over a twelve year period and wanted to use it.

Is it worth your time?  Yes, but just remember, it’s more of an educational experience than an entertaining one.  If that’s not something you’re looking for, you might want to pass it up.

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Michael Keaton Robbed

Boo.  Boo. Boo, I say.  Boo.

Look, I never saw The Theory of Everything.  I’m sure its great.  I’m sure Eddie Redmayne did a great job.

But come on.  He’s young.  He has like 50 years to get one.  Michael Keaton’s been around for so long and snubbed for so long.  It was really his turn.

Maybe it’s wrong to think like that.  The award should just go to whoever did the best job, but it’s too bad.  I just think Keaton is awesome and I thought it was going to be his night.

Oh well.  I suppose he had a win in that the movie sort of semi-based on his career took home best picture.

Still, I feel like this results in either Keaton never gets an Oscar, or they pull a Jack Palance/City Slickers move and give it to Keaton when he’s 70 and appears in some random role in a goofball comedy.

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Oscar 2015 Predictions

OK so I have failed miserably in my self-challenge to watch all 2015 Oscar nominated films.  I’m sorry to drop the petals off the daffodil folks, but occasionally this humble book blogger only reaches a 99.9% rate of perfection.

Thus far, I have only seen American Sniper, Birdman, and The Imitation Game (I still owe you a review).  I have  Boyhood loaded into my iTunes but have yet to get around to it.

So I’m a bit handicapped having not seen everything, which begs the question:

Bookshelf Q. Battler, are you really going to opine on things you know nothing about?

Um…yeah.  I do that everyday.  My original title for this blog was “Opinions on Stuff I Know Nothing About.”  Writing opinions on stuff I know nothing about is my God given right as an American.

Without further ado, my predictions:

BEST FILM – Birdman

All the commentary out there suggests there is a horse race going on between Boyhood and Birdman.  From what I’ve heard of Boyhood, it’s basically a “meh” sort of film and without the novel idea to shoot the young boy protagonist at different stages of his life, it probably wouldn’t have made it to the Oscars.

Meanwhile, Birdman has been winning many other awards and that’s a strong sign.

I’m going to flip a coin here and say Birdman.  Birdman has a lot of messages that Hollywood wants you to hear, namely a) Stop complaining we feed you so much crap when you’re the ones who are eating it b) Stop complaining we don’t make enough artsy fartsy movies when you never watch them and c) being an actor isn’t all its cracked up to be

BEST ACTOR – Michael Keaton (Birdman)

I’ve got to go with Keaton.  He’s been around for so long, he’s been in many amazing movies, and well, sad to say but, time keeps a-moving on whether we want it to or not, and he may not have many more chances to appear in Oscar buzz worthy work.  Carrell, Cooper, Cumberbatch, Redmayne all turned in great performances, but they still have time and haven’t been around as long.  It’s Keaton’s turn.

BEST ACTRESS – Julianne Moore (Still Alice)

I really, really want Rosamund Pike to win this for Gone Girl.  SPOILER ALERT – in that movie, she plays the Amy whose safety you’re very concerned about when she goes missing as well as the Amy who…well, just go watch it.

But this is the year where Hollywood settles its debts and like Keaton, Moore is also overdue.  That’s not a knock on Still Alice.  I’m sure it’s great.  She’s certainly been in a lot of other great films and is deserving.

ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE – JK Simmons (Whiplash)

The King of the Actors Long Overdue for Recognition.  He’s that guy in every movie, you recognize his face as soon as you see it, but up until this nomination, you didn’t really know his name.  He’s also the voice of the Yellow M and M.

ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE – Patricia Arquette (Boyhood)

When it comes to “long overdue” Arquette and Laura Dern (Wild) are both deserving.  However, Boyhood has had more attention than Wild, so I think it’s going to go to Arquette.  Emma and Keira turned in great performances, but they still have plenty of time.  And Meryl?  Jesus, she must be using these awards as paperweights at this point.

BEST DIRECTOR – Richard Linklater

Come on.  Filming a kid at different stages of life and mixing it all into one film.  Creative.  Give him an award.

SNUBS

Finally, here’s my list of snubs:

Interstellar – the movie laid out a roadmap on how to get to deep space.  Completely ignored!  What?  Who cares about outer space travel?  Michael Keaton’s pretending to be a bird!

The Lego Movie – Best animated movie of the year no matter what.  I assume it got turned down because it was seen by some as just a big commercial for legos but come on, most kids movies do lead to big time toy merchandising.  If it was a commercial, it was a commercial with heart.

Saint Vincent – That old grumpy person you know might not actually be a jerk.  He might have experienced some heinous crap that you can’t begin to comprehend.  He may have earned the right to be grumpy.  So cut him some slack.

The Drop/James Gandolfini – I wish James Gandolfini could have received a posthumous Best Supporting Actor nomination since, sadly, he’ll never have a chance at another one.  It was a decent film and in my opinion, Gandolfini’s best performance since The Sopranos.

What are your picks?  Who do you think got snubbed?  Inquiring Bookshelf Battlers want to know.

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Attack of the Killer Mutant Fish 4 – Trailer

Alright.  After four days, the film is in the can.  God made his masterpiece in seven days.  I made mine in four.

And just in time for Oscar night.

Here’s the trailer:

Ominous music…

MOVIE TRAILER GUY:  This summer…pet store owner Fred Jones is going to feel like a fish out of water…

FRED:  All day long I feed the fish.  I clean the tanks.  I watch them swim around.  I’m tired of the monotony.  I need a change.

MOVIE TRAILER GUY:  He’s a man with a troubled past…

GENERAL SMITH rips off FRED’S stripes.

GENERAL SMITH:  Every last man in your unit was eaten by a killer fish and what did you do?  You ran away like the pathetic, sniveling pansy that you are!  You make me sick!  Get out of my sight!

FRED:  Well, I guess I have nothing to do now but move to my hometown and start up a pet store.  But God as my witness, if I’m ever given the opportunity to save people from fish again, I’ll save every last one of them!

MOVIE TRAILER GUY:  There’s a lot at stake for Fred, and he might lose the love of his life in the process…

FRED’S GIRLFRIEND:  I just feel like you love this stupid pet store more than you love me.

FRED:  Well one of us have to have a job, Fred’s Girlfriend!

(Fred’s Girlfriend stomps out of the store)

FRED:  No!  Wait!  Fred’s Girlfriend!  Come back!

MOVIE TRAILER GUY:  And when a mad scientist enters the mix…

MAD SCIENTIST:  You ignored my warnings to preserve the environment, world!  Now I’ll teach you a lesson by ushering in a new age of mutant fish masters!

(MAD SCIENTIST dumps toxic waste into fish tanks.  Fish become enormous)

FRED:  Thank God I kept this shotgun under my counter just in case I ever have to kill a bunch of murderous fish!

(FRED cocks the gun – shoots at the fish)

FRED’S GIRLFRIEND:  I’m scared, Fred!

FRED:  Just stay behind me, Fred’s Girlfriend!  I’ll keep you safe!

MOVIE TRAILER GUY:  …things are about to get fishy.  Coming soon to a theater near you.

So there you have it.  Now I’m just waiting for Hollywood to back the Brinks Trucks up to my back door and unload all the sweet, sweet cash.

And no, I’m not having trouble coming up with material for this one post a day for a year challenge at all.

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Movie Review – Birdman (Or, The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance) 2014

Or, Hollywood is Sorry for Pushing Crap on You, But It’s Kind of Your Fault.

In 1989, Michael Keaton starred as the first Batman to not suck.  That role made his career.  I’d argue that it didn’t really define him though.  He’s been in zany comedies and serious dramas, performing expertly in both.

Yet, as a former Batman who’s ditched the cowl to seek out more serious roles, one is left to wonder how much of Birdman is semi-autobiographical.  Does Keaton identify with Riggan?  Only Keaton could truly answer that.

Keaton plays Riggan Thomson, a big time actor who, twenty years ago, played a feathery comic book super hero in a series of Birdman films.  They were special effects extravaganzas that made him a lot of money and were big at the box office.

Movieclips Trailers

Today, Riggan is trying to leave his past behind him and gain recognition as a serious actor.  He’s broke, having sunk a fortune into a Broadway play adaptation of a work by author Raymond Carver.  And true to the style of a play, the cameras follow the actors on and off stage, with very few cut scenes throughout the film.

Actors aren’t as happy as you’d think, there’s intense pressure, you can’t please everyone, and whatever you do, someone is criticizing you.  You try to produce art (i.e. Raymond Carver) but alas, people just want fluff (i.e. Birdman).  Even worse, once you “sell-out” and take a role like “Birdman,” the “true artist” community will shun you and refuse to consider your attempts at artistry, even if they are worthy of notoriety.

As consumers of entertainment, should we push for real, serious, dramatic art?  Plays and movies where there’s all kinds of gut wrenching dialog to make you think?  Or should we just have fun and watch Birdman fight bad guys?

Are purveyors of comic book movies making us all stupid?  Are creators of heady dramas just too full of themselves?

These questions are asked, and never really answered, though the movie serves as a chronicle of one actor’s attempt to produce serious art only to be stymied at every turn.

Riggan’s foil, played by Ed Norton, is veteran broadway thespian Mike Shiner.  Recruited for Riggan’s play, Shiner is a pretentious limelight hog and though he claims to be all about the art, he’s ultimately just as obnoxious as any movie star.

Meanwhile, Riggan has to deal with a snooty play review critic, who vows to shut Riggan’s play down before even seeing it, simply because she does not believe someone who stooped low enough to play a cartoon superhero is deserving of praise for attempting real art.

In other words, if the entertainment world is at war, then it’s a battle between the big blockbuster fluff eaters and the holier than thou tweed jacket wearers.  Both think they’re the smartest people in the room.  Neither is willing to meet the other half way.

Emma Stone, who plays Riggan’s daughter, Sam, earns her Oscar nomination with this speech:

TEXT OF SAM/EMMA STONE’S “RELEVANT SPEECH” FROM BIRDMAN

RIGGAN:  It’s important to me! Alright? Maybe not to you, or your cynical friends whose only ambition is to go viral. But to me . . . To me . . this is — God. This is my career, this is my chance to do some work that actually means something.

SAM: Means something to who? You had a career before the third comic book movie, before people began to forget who was inside the bird costume. You’re doing a play based on a book that was written 60 years ago, for a thousand rich old white people whose only real concern is gonna be where they go to have their cake and coffee when it’s over. And let’s face it, Dad, it’s not for the sake of art. It’s because you want to feel relevant again. Well, there’s a whole world out there where people fight to be relevant every day. And you act like it doesn’t even exist! Things are happening in a place that you willfully ignore, a place that has already forgotten you. I mean, who are you? You hate bloggers. You make fun of Twitter. You don’t even have a Facebook page. You’re the one who doesn’t exist. You’re doing this because you’re scared to death, like the rest of us, that you don’t matter. And you know what? You’re right. You don’t. It’s not important. You’re not important. Get used to it.

I don’t know about you, but after I listened to Emma rant away on that one, I came close to shutting down this blog. (Obviously I didn’t, because, you know, nothing can stop me from my one a day post challenge.

Still, Sam’s right.   We’re all just shouting in the wind, trying to be relevant, trying to matter.  And at the end of the day, after movie goers walk out of the theater, after play watchers go out for cake, after novel readers put a book down, and after my 3.5 regular readers go on to read another blog…how relevant are we?  As it turns out…not very.

Fame is fleeting and celebrities just aren’t as happy as we think.

Throughout the film, Riggan is taunted by Birdman himself – a gravelly voice that sounds more like Christian Bale’s version of Batman than Keaton’s.  Birdman is the voice of commercialism, urging Riggan to abandon his efforts at serious drama and sell-out – do a reality TV show, make a Birdman comeback movie.  Forget the hoity toy stuff and just rake in the dough.

And honestly, whether Birdman is right or wrong is left up to the viewer’s interpretation.

Big surprise of the film – Zach Galifianakis can actually act.  He plays Riggan’s agent and rather than be that same old obliviously rude cartoon character he plays in every movie, he actually comes across as a competent, reliable professional, someone you’d actually want to represent you if you were an actor.

At one point, Shakepeare’s “Life is a Tale Told by an Idiot” speech from MacBeth is prominently featured.  If you want to know more about that, you can read expert commentary from world renowned literary expert Bookshelf Q. Battler.

It’s a film that starts a dialog about what we, the entertainment consuming public, want from Hollywood.  Because, as it turns out, if enough of us want it, they’ll give it to us.  If we show them that high-falutin, chin-stroking, navel gazing, thought provoking dramas will make money, then Tinseltown will send them our way.  Yet, if we keep buying tickets for Birdman-esque blockbusters, then we’ll get more comic book movies.  It really is up to us.

And it’s also up to us to determine whether or not we should feel guilty about choosing comic book-esque movies over drama.  Personally, I don’t.  I’m a nerd.  I love comic book movies.  I love hoity toity stuff too.  There’s room in the world for both.  One need not cancel the other out.

And sure, the public often complains that Hollywood isn’t trying that hard, but then we pay more attention to viral videos, tweets, and gossipy nonsense than serious efforts at art.  At one point in the film, Riggan’s stroll through Times Square in his underpants gets more attention through social media than his play ever does.

We all want to be relevant.  We’re all clawing over each other to grab our piece of the public’s limited attention span.  We’re all idiots.  Can’t we all just calm down, take a deep breathe, stop crawling over each other for a few fleeting minutes of fame, and take a moment to enjoy friends, family, and the things that actually matter?  At the end of the film, Riggan frets more about not spending enough time with his daughter than he does about his fizzling acting career.

Heck, had I not promised my 3.5 regular readers a year’s worth of posts, I might seriously consider packing it in myself.

Because if a guy who was paid buckets of money to dress up like a cartoon bird hero can’t be happy, then what luck do any of us have?

I predict this film will win best picture.  Keaton’s had a long career and has yet to be graced with an academy award, so he’s overdue.  Ironically, it’s a movie about a man trying to get past commercialism and make some serious art made by a man who’s trying to get past commercialism and make some serious art.

The Academy will no doubt love its message – “Hey, we actors aren’t as happy as you’d think, we really struggle to make you all happy!”

And finally, I’d just like to say, I think Michael Keaton is awesome.  He made me laugh in movies like The Dream Team and Beetlejuice.  And I remember seeing him in the first Batman and I thought, “Wow, Hollywood picked a guy that isn’t all buff and muscle-bound to play a super hero and he did an awesome job.  Maybe there’s hope for us nerds.”  So I hope tomorrow night is his night to walk home with a little gold man.  (I mean an Oscar, not an actual little gold man).

Did you see it?  What did you think?  Flap your bird wings to the comment section and let me know.

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Attack of the Killer Mutant Fish 3 (Casting Call 3)

I’ve decided that Fred the Pet Store owner needs a love interest.  That way my upcoming film will appeal to both men and women.  Men will enjoy the action, while women will be enthralled by the romantic tale of a pet shop owner winning the heart of his lady love.

Bold move I know, to deviate from the source material, but I’m writing in a girlfriend for Fred.

JULIA ROBERTS

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, in a pet shop full of monstrous, evil killer fish, asking him to love her.

Hmmm.  Can you read this with a Southern accent?  And also, not be old?

MILEY CYRUS

Dang y’all, there’s all like dang crazy fish runnin’ round…I better stick my tongue out at ’em!

NEXT!

DREW BARRYMORE

I’m just like…you know…thinking…that Fred, you spend so much time running this pet store?  That like…you totally forget to run the pet store inside your mind…

NEXT!

MEGAN FOX

Hi.  I’m all hot and stuff.  I’m going to stand next to these killer mutant fish and look totally hot.

When can you start?

 

 

 

 

 

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Attack of the Killer Mutant Fish Part 3 (Casting Call 2)

And we’re back, still discussing that first novel I penciled when I was around ten year olds.  Attack of the Killer Mutant Fish was an epic sci-fi action fest.

Yesterday, I did a casting call for Fred the Pet Store Owner, who fights the mutant fish.  Today, I’m doing a casting call for the Mad Scientist who randomly walks into Fred’s pet shop with no explanation whatsoever and dumps toxic sludge into the tanks, thus creating enormous, super-sized killer mutant fish.

Stop laughing!  You know this crap is better than half of what’s on TV today.

CHRISTOPHER WALKEN

Huh-lo!  I’m a…mad sci-en-tist!  I must turn these fish…into mu-tants, thus finally obtaining my rah-venge…against the cruel world that failed to heed my sci-en-tif-ic warnings.  If pee-puhl con-tin-yoo…to destroy the en-vi-ro-ment…then the world will be engulfed…by mu-tant fish…just like these!

Hmmm.  A valiant effort, but not what we’re looking for.

KEVIN SPACEY

There’s a saying in my home world of Mad Science Land.  If you fail to listen to brilliant mad scientists, then don’t be surprised when the Earth is overrun by a race of super powerful fish.  :::knocks the table twice:::

Next!

JACK NICHOLSON

You want the truth about fish?! YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH ABOUT FISH!  Son, we live in a world with tanks.  Who’s going to protect them?  You?  You pet store owner Fred Wineburg?  You mock me at parties but deep down you want me on those tanks, you need me on those tanks…

I dunno.  I’m not feeling it.  Next!

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Yeah I made those f*$king killer mutant fish and I hope they burn in hell!

Hmmm.  I’m intrigued.  Can you keep going, Sam?

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

The path of the righteous fish is beset on all sides by the inequities of the sel-fish and the tyranny of evil fish…

You’ve got it!  You’ve got this part!

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Attack of the Killer Mutant Fish 2 (Casting Call)

As discussed yesterday, when I was approximately ten years old, give or take a year, I penciled in a notebook my first novel, Attack of the Killer Mutant Fish.

Now that I’m a big time blogging mogul with 3.5 regular readers, including my Aunt Gertrude, I have the resources to turn this novel into a major movie production.

Recently, I held a casting call.  The following actors read for the part of Fred the Pet Store Owner, who, as discussed yesterday, shoots all of the fish.  Why a pet store owner had a gun, I don’t know.  But it wasn’t because when I was ten I was a lazy writer.  I purposely left it up to the reader’s interpretation.

AL PACINO

Hoowah!  You little fishy finned cock-a-roaches think you can come into my establishment and eat my customers?  If I was half-the man I was twenty years ago, I’d take a flamethrower to this place!  Say hello to my little friend!

Al, my people will call your people.  Next:

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

Alright, alright, alright.  Hello there kemosabes.  Listen, y’all need to just take a deep breathe and chill out.  Take off your pants and bang on some bongo drums.  All this?  Right here?  This life?  All of this interaction?  This is all just a trick.  We’re all just sentient meat, fooling ourselves into thinking that our base thoughts and emotions actually matter, when in the grand scheme of things, they really don’t.

Don’t call us, Matthew.  We’ll call you.  Next:

DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON

CAN YOU SMELL WHAT FISH THE ROCK IS COOKIN’?!!

God Sakes Alive, you have to be old as shit to get that joke.  Next!

ROBERT DENIRO

You bloopin’ to me?  You make those little puckery bloop bloop fish faces and bloop at me?  Well, I don’t see anyone else around here, so you must be talkin to me!

I don’t know.  A solid performance, but I just picture Fred being younger.  Next!

CLINT EASTWOOD

Go ahead.  Make my filet.

(Cymbal tap – ba dum bum ching!)  Sorry, I said younger!

JESSE EISENBURG

Um…yeah…um you…you…you know I didn’t ask for any of this.  I’m just a guy running a pet store.  I keep the pets fed and if someone wants a pet I sell them a pet.  But…but….but…this?  I’m not prepared for this.  Nothing in my life has prepared me for this…this, what is this?  Fish, these Killer Mutant Fish and all they do is run around, trying to eat all the customers?  And how are they walking on land if they need to be in water?

You had it until you started asking questions.

This might be a tough one.  I’ll have to think about who would make for a good Fred.  If you have any ideas, please post them in the comments.  Tomorrow, we’ll be casting for the part of the Mad Scientist.

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Let’s Talk Sci-Fi – Movie Review – Blade Runner (1982)

Hey Fellow Sci-Fi Nerds,

So for the past few weeks, I’ve been asking for your input as I build a world for a sci-fi novel that’s locked up in my brain.  Naturally, I thought, why not help the process along by checking out a cult classic of Sci-Fi cinema, namely the 1982 Ridley Scott Directed film, Blade Runner, starring Harrison Ford.

(Forever Cinema Trailers)

THE PLOT

Ford stars as Richard Deckard, a Blade Runner, a special type of police officer assigned to hunt down and execute replicants on site.

Replicants are bioengineered humans.  They’re built by the Tyrell Corporation to be stronger, faster, smarter, or as Tyrell puts it, “More Human than the Human.”  (In case you were wondering where that White Zombie song came from).

Foreseeing the problem that replicants could use their superior abilities to take over, the government outlaws them on Earth, and only allows them to be used as slave labor on off world colonies.  Further, Tyrell has put in a failsafe – replicants only live for four years, so none of them really have time to learn how to get too big for their britches.

THE WORLD

In the 1980’s, Japanese tech companies were booming, so naturally the creators of the film anticipated an Asianization of American culture.  Although it takes place in a futuristic Los Angeles, open area Asian bazaar style shops and sidewalk noodle joints riddle the landscape.  An enormous building size image of a geisha is prominently displayed.

Even though its in the future, everything looks old and worn out, suggesting that America may one day fight itself in abject poverty, everyone living in cramped, dirty spaces, tripping over one another just to get some room.  (Sometimes when you look at today’s economy reports, it feels like we’re there).

THE CLOTHES

Oddly, even though it’s LA and the depletion of the ozone layer is only going to make it hotter, everyone in this film is bundled up like its Christmastime in Minnesota.  This is where some science nerd will now explain to me that global warming can actually lead to global cooling.  And you’re probably right, science nerd.

THE TIME

It takes place in 2019, so about four years from now, we’ll be subject to a number of “Where are the replicants?” stories like we did this year now that we’ve reached the age of Back to the Future II.

THE TECHNOLOGY

Much of the tech in the film, at least by today’s standards, looks like it was raided from the basement storage room of a high school AV Club.  There’s a lot of tube based monitors and equipment that looks like it could display microfiche in your local library.  But hey, it all probably seemed like top of the line stuff in 1982.

There are flying cars, but there are also regular land cars.  Deckard has a land car.  He does get a ride in Edward James Olmos’ flying car.  And I was glad to see this flying car did have several instruments, computer monitors, controls, and Olmos even puts on a special flying hat.  In other words, the people behind this film anticipated, like I do, that flying a frigging car will be serious business and not something you can allow just an y old jerk to do.

There are video pay phones.  Video phones are here, but you know my feeling on the subject.  Pay phones of any kind are long gone and I doubt they’ll make a comeback.

Also, nothing to do with tech, but people smoke like chimneys throughout the film.  People don’t smoke as much today and when they do, rarely in public lest they be accused of a hate crime.  Enter any dive bar and you’ll find people engaged in Russian roulette competitions, chainsaw juggling, wild and crazy orgies, but anyone who lights up a stogie will be asked to leave.

LEGACY OF THE FILM

It’s fun to make fun of, but in a time where Star Wars had put Hollywood on a “space opera” kick, the people behind this film did try to make something serious.  It poses a lot of questions about bioengineering, and JF Sebastian’s creepy “toy shop” certainly leaves us wondering whether maybe we should let nature run its course with the human anatomy, rather than do our own tinkering.

There’s certainly a lot to discuss about life when it comes to film – the quality of life, how little time we have, how none of us want to die, even replicants.

Olmos’ character, Gaff, speaks in a foreign language of some kind through most of the film, only to clearly annunciate at the end, regarding Deckard’s replicant love interest Rachel:

“It’s too bad she won’t live!  But then again, who does?”

In other words, Gaff uses his few precious words in the film to tell us that we all tend to walk around aimlessly, trying to get something out of life, but few of us ever get where we want or are satisfied if we ever do.

IS DECKARD A REPLICANT?

If I shake my magic 8 ball, it will read, “All signs point to yes.”

Deckard dreams of a unicorn.  I don’t know if that’s really a sign, because frankly, I dream about unicorns all the time.  I might be a replicant then.  Replicants have implanted memories and since unicorns aren’t real, and yet Deckard has a vivid memory of seeing one, the suggestion is he was built in a lab where a scientist added a false memory of a unicorn.  Replicants receive false memories, supposedly in an effort to make them happier and/or more human.

Also, Deckard has kind of an odd relationship with his boss, Bryant.  At the start of the film, he tells Bryant that he’s out of the Blade Runner business and won’t help him.  Bryant tells Deckard he doesn’t have a choice and so Deckard just complies and goes on a replicant hunt.  Does that mean Deckard is a slave of some kind, beholden to Bryant’s will?  Or is Deckard just like any other human who doesn’t want to piss off an overbearing boss?

ROY BATTY

The villain of the film is Roy Batty (isn’t batty another word for nuts?) aptly played by Rutger Hauer.  He’s a replicant who roams LA, cutting a wide swath through various genetic scientists in the hopes he can torture one into coming up with a cure that will allow him and his friends to live longer.  None of them are able to, which drives him, well, batty.

SPOILER ALERT  (Although honestly, you’ve had like thirty plus years to watch this damn thing)

The surprise of the movie comes when Batty has Deckard right where he wants him.  Dickard clings to a rooftop beam, about to fall at any second.  Batty can easily step on the hands of the man who has been hunting him and be the victor.  But instead, Batty uses his super strength to save Deckard and pull him to the rooftop.

Why?  Could it be that Batty recognizes that Deckard is a fellow replicant and doesn’t want to kill one of his own?  Or, does Batty just decide that killing Deckard won’t really accomplish anything, so why spill more blood?

In the end, Batty has this iconic “TEARS IN THE RAIN” speech:

I have… seen things you people wouldn’t believe… Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those… moments… will be lost in time, like (cough) tears… in… rain. Time… to die…

Out of the mouths of replicants.  That’s pretty profound stuff, isn’t it?  Forget about attack ships and glittering beams, just think about all you’ve done in your life.  Long before I became Blade Runner fan, I would often get choked up just by thought that one day, I’ll kick the bucket and all the memories of all my accomplishments, including starting this blog that only three people read, will vaporize into nothingness.  Who knew that I was just suffering from Roy Batty sadness the entire time.

And what is a tear in the rain?  A tear is happening.  A memory is happening.  But a tear in the rain just becomes another drop of water.  A life full of memories ends, just like so many others do every other day…well, I don’t want to say that life is meaningless or “a tale told by an idiot” as Shakespeare once said, but  aren’t there times when we all feel a little bit like Roy Batty?

CONCLUSIONS

It’s worth a rental.  And Hollywood hasn’t shown an interest in remaking it with a bunch of dopey starlets who would probably just screw it up…yet.

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