Bookshelf Battle

Swears, gratuitous violence and naked chicks in a superhero movie!

Whodathunkit?!

BQB here with a review of DEADPOOL!

SPOILERS!

Oh my God.  This movie was like a space shuttle launch.  So much had to happen before it could finally happen.

1. Fans had to convince Hollywood that super hero movies are profitable by showing up en masse.
2. A new generation had to grow up, become adults, and be cool with a super hero on screen who does and says horrible, horrible things.
3. Hollywood had to be convinced that there was an adult audience for a raunchy R rated super hero movie, because films about heroes in spandex fighting evil are traditionally geared toward kids.
4. And to top it all off, this movie was first teased in 2009 when Ryan Reynolds was in that horrible, godawful Wolverine movie!!!  (Remember the one with Will. I. Am?  God that was awful.)

And it’s here!…

Is love only a fairy tale?

That’s the question asked by this part prequel/part sequel to The Huntsman.

You’ll be hunting for some spoilers if you read further.

Freya (Emily Blunt) is sister to Ravenna (Charlize Theron) aka the Wicked Queen.

Prior to the events of the first Huntsman film, Freya becomes irrevocably heartbroken, and sets out to take over the Northern part of wherever the hell this fantasy world is.

To do so, she raises an army of “Huntsmen” and thus we learn Eric the Huntsman’s (Chris Hemsworth) origin.

Freya proclaims love to be a lie and bans it, leaving Eric and his secret wife, Sara (Jessica Chastain) to hide their relationship.

Yadda yadda yadda.  Flash forward to a time post the original movie. The magic mirror has gone missing.  Eric and two of his dwarf pals have to find it. Some dwarf women come into play.

Freya wants the…

Space.  The final frontier.  Damn, it’s big and shit.

These are the voyages of the Starship SPOILERPRISE.

BQB here with a review of Star Trek: Beyond.

J.J. Abrams’ third Star Trek movie is out.  This go around, Kirk and Co. get lured into a distant nebula, ambushed and stranded after crashing on a desolate planet run by the evil alien Krall.

The crew has an artifact Krall wants in order to do evil shit…and they fight and shit and that’s about it. I’ll let you watch and fill in the details on your own.

I applaud J.J. because he seems committed to honoring the spirit of the old show/movies even though the 35+ crowd that Hollywood typically doesn’t give a crap about is the only demographic that would care.

Sulu’s totally gay and homage is paid to the late Leonard Nimoy, as well as to the original cast.

Sorry to…

Take one part The Matrix and one part Inception, throw in a dash of Harry Potter in an alternate universe where Harry Potter is for adults and you’ve got Marvel’s latest addition to its movie list, Dr. Strange.

Presto change-o, abracadabra 3.5 readers. Hold onto your magic wand because it is time for another Bookshelf Q. Battler movie review.

OBLIGATORY SPOILER WARNING.

Benedict Cumberbatch stars as Dr. Stephen Strange, an egotistical surgeon whose career is cut short when his hands are badly injured.

Refusing to give up all that he’s worked for, he sets out for Nepal in search of alternative physical healing.

Instead, he learns the secrets of magic, mysticism and sorcery from the Ancient One aka Tilda Swinton.

Blah blah blah. There’s another sorcerer that Dr. Strange has to fight (Mads Mikkelsen), he has an ally (Chiwetel Ejiofor) and a love interest (the ever boner inducing Rachel…

A shark takes a bite out of Blake Lively’s phat ass and comes back for more.

BQB here with a review of The Shallows.

SPOILERS.

OK, so the shark doesn’t take a bite out of Blake’s bodacious booty though let’s be honest, could anyone have blamed him? I mean not an actual “bite” bite but still.

Hmm…that joke didn’t land? That’s ok. Nothing new for the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

The set-up? Nancy (Blake), depressed over the loss of her mother to cancer, takes a sojourn from medical school to do some surfing in a shallow cove.

A shark bites her leg and then from thereon it’s about two hours of Blake swimming from rock to rock, trying to think up ways to outfox the finned freak.

I knew very little of this film going into it but it was an enjoyable surprise.  I assume it was low budget and if…

A woman is either John Goodman’s guest or hostage.

That’s pretty much it.

End of review.

Crap.  That’s only 16 words?

Let’s talk some more then.  BQB here with a review of 10 Cloverfield Lane.

SPOILER WARNING!

So here’s the deal, 3.5 readers.

Our tale begins with Michelle (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) getting into a car accident.  When she wakes up, she’s locked away in an underground bunker.

Her host or captor as the case may be is Howard (John Goodman.)  He informs her that while she was knocked out, a  major attack occurred up above.  It might have been nuclear or chemical, he isn’t sure, but he’s sure that the world above ground is no longer habitable and she needs to stay in the bunker with him.  She’s informed that if she tries to leave the bunker, she’ll let in poison gas that will kill everyone.

OK.  Show of hands…