Bookshelf Battle

Oh Hollywood.  When will you ever learn that every time you put out another cheesy romantic movie, you’re causing the women in our lives to hold us up to ridiculously high standards?

Men, are your women way into romance flicks for YOUR own good?

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the top ten warning signs your girlfriend might be a romance movie fanatic:

10.  She watched Serendipity then erased her number from your phone and wrote it down in a copy of the book, Love in the Time of Cholera.  She sold the book to a used book store and then informed you that you will never talk to her again unless fate sees that the book with her number in it makes its way to you.  You call her the next day and you are all like “Seriously babe I remember your number because we’ve been…

Ninjutsu.  The ancient Japanese discipline that weaves martial arts, guerrilla warfare, espionage and clandestine assassination tactics into one lethal practitioner.

If a ninja wants you dead…you won’t know until you are dead.

But if you are dating a she-ninja, you won’t know until you consult this list.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Ninja:

10.  Although you think you might be alone, you’re pretty sure you just saw that shadow in the corner move.  Don’t worry.  That’s just ninja foreplay.

9.  You keep finding her nunchucks in your dishwasher.  It’s not that you don’t want to help her out but it just seems rude she won’t pre-rinse the blood off of them first.

8.  Sometimes when you’re alone and in the mood, a fast moving gust of wind will zoom through the window, knock you down, move around…

Vampir.  Children of the night.  Demonic bloodsuckers.

Call them what you will but if your girlfriend is one of them, she might just call you lunch…and not in a good way.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs that Your Girlfriend Might Be a Vampire.

10.  She’s the only girl you’ve ever dated who doesn’t spend a lot of time primping in front of the mirror.

9.  Awkwardly works the word “bleah” into regular conversation.

8.  Hypnotizes you through glamour techniques to get you to do her bidding.  (This could be inconclusive as most women do this anyway.)

7.  She totally sucks.  Insert joke here.

6.  You often wake up feeling woozy with two small holes in your neck.  Calling her on it will do nothing as she’ll just shrug her shoulders, channel Shaggy and say “wasn’t me.”

5.  Always has an…

Tessa Fireswarm – YA Novel Protagonist/Attempts to Destroy BQB’s Magic Bookshelf Often

If you’ve been one of BQB’s 3.5 readers from the very beginning (my condolences to you for that is precious time out of your life that you will never get back) then you’re aware one of the characters living on BQB’s magic bookshelf is none other than a tiny version of Tessa Fireswarm, protagonist of the Arrowblast series.

What?  Up your nose with a rubber hose, Suzanne Collins.  Tessa is a true original.

Wait.  This just in.  Attorney Donnelly informs me that Tessa is a parody.  Whatever.  Just no one sue me please.

Anyway, when Tessa isn’t busy attempting to blow up the other characters living on BQB’s magic bookshelf in an ongoing war for shelf space, she occasionally advises BQB on the Young Adult genre.

Here now, with Tessa’s help, are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend…

Video Game Rack Fighter Cat – Official Pet of BQB’s Better-Half

Pets.  They bring joy to our lives and only ask for food, water and the ability to poop and barf all over our rugs, furniture and priceless possessions in return because they are dirty disgusting little bastards.

Hey, no one threw you out that one time you pooped on the sofa (you know you did it) so you can give your furry friend a break for the occasional accident, right?

But what if it is two furry friends?  Or three furry friends?  Or fifty-eight furry friends?!

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Crazy Cat Lady:

10:  Wherever she goes and whatever she set out to do, she never fails to come home with an extra cat.  Trip to the store for milk?  New cat.  Dentist appointment?  New cat…

Does your girlfriend take your money when you are in need?

Is she a triflin’ friend indeed?

In that case, whether or not you’re Jamie Foxx (as featured in Kanye West’s song Gold Digger) you might want to consult this expert list.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Gold Digger:

10.  You actually have some gold to dig.  If your ass is broke, then believe it or not, she might actually just like you for your personality.  Who knew?  I sure 9didn’t.  I always thought you were a schmuck.

9.  Uses you like her own personal ATM.  If you’re asleep, she just picks you up, turns you upside down, and shakes you until all the loot falls out of your pockets.

8.  Has a long laundry list of reasons why she can’t get a job.  None…

“Hey baby, wanna crinkle my foil?”

He seemed like such a sweet guy when you met him.  Alas, it wasn’t until after you fell for him that he started checking your purse for radio transmitters.

Ladies, is your man living in constant fear of “The Man?”

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Conspiracy Theorist:

10.  He owns a vast selection of tin foil hats, which he maintains prevent the government and/or aliens from reading his mind.  You’re not able to stop him from wearing his tin foil baseball cap out in public, but he’s not unreasonable.  He has agreed to stop wearing it backwards once he turns thirty.

9.  It isn’t easy to take him to a dinner party.  Your friends want to talk about movies, music and gossip.  He wants to talk about how Hitler and…

Your girlfriend will kick so much undead ass during the zombie apocalypse.

She thinks it’s the end of the world as we know it…but do you feel fine? 

Alas, to all good things must come an end.  Just as the dinosaurs were wiped out when they plugged in their curling irons all at once, so too may humanity cease to be one day.

But probably not while we’re alive.  It’s those future suckers who’ve got problems.

Or is the end closer than we think?  Your girlfriend sure seems to think so.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Doomsday Prepper:

10.   Attempted to get you to drink your own urine to, and I quote, “get you used to the robust flavor.” Not only did you hurt her feelings with your emphatic refusal, you’re also not able to…

Ahoy mateys.

Yup.  There’s a joke about pirate booty to made here.

Last September, a band of pirates took over bookshelfbattle.com in celebration of National Pirate Week.

They taught you all how to talk like a pirate…but you didn’t learn how to speak like a she-pirate.

If your girlfriend were a pirate, here is the English to Pirate translation of things she might say to you…er, “to ye.”

10.  ENGLISH: Honey, I wish you’d help out around the house more.

PIRATE TRANSLATION:  Avast ye stinking bilge rat!  Batten down the hatches, trim the mainsail and swab the poop deck or it’s the cat of nine tails for ye.

9.  ENGLISH:  I’m in the mood for nookie. 

PIRATE TRANSLATION: ARRR ye filthy landlubber!  Raise the misen mast fer it be time to keel haul across the starboard bow.

8.  ENGLISH: I am not happy with you right now.

PIRATE TRANSLATION:…

Romance novels.

For Christ’s Sake, put a shirt on Chad.

Not only are they the fuel that keeps the fires of many a female reader burning, they keep the wheels of the publishing industry turning as well.

Ladies of all ages like a good story about a woman swept off her feet by the perfect man.

Said perfect man usually defined as being a) long haired b) muscular and c) shirtless.

It’s ok ladies.  I won’t point out that your love of these novels is more or less the equivalent of your boyfriend scoping out risqué sites on the Interwebs.

And romance authors, though I’ll never read them, keep churning them out as the more people who are reading anything, the longer the publishing industry stays afloat.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Shirtless Alpha Male in…